Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

Why don't you bottle feed? It's what I do when I know I'm going somewhere that I don't feel comfortable breastfeeding. Like at my PiL's house

I didn’t get the choice of having DH support, he needed to get back to work and that would have been the same irrespective of my feelings. I’ve not touched on my own emotional state so it’s an assumption to think I’m emotionally balanced because DH isn’t joining me. He can’t.

Thing is OP, the way you talk it's as if men only go to baby classes because they're "pandering" to emotionally unstable partners. My DH wasn't pandering to me. He was signed off work for three months because I wasn't allowed to be alone with my baby because I was suicidal. It wasn't my choice to have him at home. And he needed to go back to work too. But he couldn't. And sometimes he went to baby classes because he wanted to spend time with his baby, and he wanted to meet other parents.

When I said I was glad you didn't feel you needed the support I was being sincere. I'm always glad if someone feels confident and is enjoying motherhood. And I'm sorry if that wasn't actually the case and you did want your DH to be around more.

Sadly, OP, your feelings are the reason why my DC, who cares for dgs several days a week, feels he cannot attend any of our local baby and toddler groups. He tried one and was made to feel so uncomfortable that he won't go again. The person missing out here is my dgs.

If you feel uncomfortable breastfeeding with men present have you tried a cover?? I personally preferred to cover up when in public as I felt uncomfortable!

Thank you for the helpful posts re mindset and improving my confidence.

I won’t pile on after you’ve accepted you’ve phrased it slightly offensively.

But if your still uncomfortable feeding in public try a few specific tops which cover you pretty much completely without exposing anything. Mothercare, Seraphine, H&M all have nursing tops which work well or try Over and Under method. Honestly no one really looks I’ve found, if they do it’s usually children curious.

@MrsGrannyWeatherwax

Thank you. I have some feeding tops which are useful.

Both mums and dads should be equally allowed to bond with their children at baby groups in my opinion

i don't understand why it takes two parents to sit and coo over a new born at a group that is, ostensibly. to provide support for new mums who are hormonally challenged, knackered, leaking from various orifices and sat on a surgically reconstructed arse hole.

Can't Damian find something else to do for an hour? And I have NO issues whatsoever with dads at toddler group,however at a postnatal group- Dad is not post natal. Therefore he could stay at home running round with the vac / pop to tesco surely for an hour?

I think deep down you knew you were being unreasonable. As a lone parent I was made to feel very unwelcome at a few parent and toddler groups for being a dad, not a mum. Don’t be someone who causes a child to be excluded from an activity.

Sorry but yabu...really really unreasonable! It's a parent and baby group, dads are parents too and have just as much right to be there with their little one. My dh currently takes our ds to a group on Friday morning as I work, sometimes he's the only dad sometimes there are a couple of others there too but he goes either way. If you don't feel comfortable feeding in front of dads in a group that's ok but you need to find a quiet space for it and not expect them not to be there.

OP would you like to tell us about the negative experience that has made you feel anxious about BF in public? I promise you will get lots of support here to help you feel better and continue BF.

The answer is to feel less self conscious breastfeeding. So if you don't feel able to bf in front of men, presumably you're not going anywhere in public? That's very limiting. I remember feeling terrified feeding in public for the first time. But I didn't have much choice. Before long I was feeding whereever I needed, including on public transport. I had a cover but rarely felt I needed to use it.

@RebeccaWrongDaily at no point did the OP say it was a postnatal group, baby groups tend to go up to 1y and op's baby is 3m so I very much doubt its a group of women straight out of hospital still wearing maternity pads!

Is the broader issue less about breastfeeding and more about having a DH who doesn’t do much and thinks offering emotional support is ‘pandering?’ Isn’t that a much bigger problem that random dads at a playgroup.

Rebecca we aren't talking about a postnatal group. It's a baby group where mums, dads, carers etc should be welcomed.
And shock horror some dads take babies to these groups on their own!!!!

I think that if we are going to foster the spirit that a woman has the right to feed anywhere and everywhere in public without fear of being told to stop or cover up, then we have to accept that men are obviously going to be present on some of those occasions. I would agree that they won't be interested in your body but if you're self conscious then use a cover over baby's head. You can't exclude men from baby groups just in case someone might want to breastfeed.

I have been at groups with couples which are very odd. It's like a double date only only some of you got the memo, and makes people who come alone feel very third wheel-y. But a Dad with a kid on his own? Unless it's breastfeeding specifically I wouldn't think that was odd st all.

Yabvvvvvu...these groups are to support parents, they just happen to be called "mother and baby". My dh looks after our children 1 day a week so I can work and he takes them to baby groups as he gets cabin fever at home. He often feels alienated and I find it disgusting behaviour. The men at these groups should be treated as equals, we are all parents regardless of sex.

@Ploppymoodypants
Essentially someone glared at me continually and when I didn’t respond continued to glare, tut and shake their head as they then moved away from me in what was a clear protest. I was completely covered, so I couldn’t have done anything to be more discreet.

I had been doing really, really well and it just shook me a bit.I probably am over sensitive and need to brush it off. But it just dented my confidence. I’m on my own more often than not and need to get out and about. I have felt comfortable with all ladies but felt affronted with all bottle fed babies and several men where. I just felt like the odd one out at a place I was expecting some refugee.

I want to be part of the whole empowerment of BF women movement.

@PotolBabu

It isn’t. My DH is wonderful but a bit black and white, so whilst he could be more supportive, he would never be able to join me at this kind of thing in any event as he’d be working.

I suspect the type of men who attend baby groups aren't the type to have a issue with BF....

YABU!

Dads have just as much right to be involved as the mothers.

My DP works part time and when I was on maternity he came with me to baby groups and meet ups, and when I went back to work full time - he went without me.

Sadly, it's woman like you who make some dads feel uncomfortable. My DP use to take our DD to baby swimming but stopped going because some of the other mums made him feel unwelcome.

Haven’t read the whole thread but just wanted to add from a breastfeeding perspective it’s unlikely they’re even watching. I’d recommending going to more public places to feed! I totally understand why you few uncomfortable, it can be very daunting to start with.

Do you wear two tops? It’s the best way to feed discreetly. I felt very self conscious to start with but honestly, 11 months in I couldn’t care less! I feed with my dad/ inlaws/ brother and partners husbands in the room no problem.

Those of you objecting to couples attending - can you really not imagine why a woman might want the support of her partner at those kind of events in the early days? 20% of women suffer mental health difficulties in the perinatal period. Baby groups can be massively daunting for many new mums.