Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

@bananabreadforbreakfast
Well I have also had two c-sections on busy maternity wards so have a lot of empathy with what you're saying, however I absolutely cannot support the removal of a new mothers right to privacy at such a vulnerable time as a solution to overstretched facilities and staff on maternity wards.

I would have loved my DH to be able to stay with us overnight after having my children, however I felt incredibly uncomfortable about being in the company of other men whilst I was bleeding badly, trying to establish breastfeeding and generally had various body parts exposed at various times. I remember having the end cubicle near the sink and it was horribly intrusive having random men traipse past me to get a drink whilst I was confined to a hospital bed.

So as I mentioned previously, I can understand why new mothers would want the extra support of their partners being able to stay but I absolutely cannot support this trumping a woman's right to privacy. Until (much needed) provision is made to allow parents to stay together after the birth of their baby without intruding on other new mothers then I think we should ban fathers staying overnight on maternity wards.

@PregnantSea RTFT.

@bananabreadforbreakfast YABVU. A woman who has just given birth absolutely has the right to privacy from men on a maternity ward. For a whole plethora of reasons.

If you want your dh with you, get a private room. Simple as that.

I work full time and my husband works part time so does a couple of baby groups a week with our baby daughter. He's seen me breastfeed both of babies and couldn't give a monkeys about mothers breastfeeding around him. He struggles to go to these groups as small cliques of mothers sit in gaggles and refuse to talk to him, so he talks to the odd other dad, grandparents and childminders. I'll tell him that mothers like you think he has no place at these groups as an at-home parent to an under-1. He'll be thrilled to learn you think he's leering at you and should stay in his place at home and stare at 4 walls.

YABVU. These are parent and toddler groups. Go ask your health visitor for details of local breast feeding groups if you feel so uncomfortable feeding in general baby and toddler groups.

I did. Sorry that I didn't come to the same conclusion as you.

So you read the entire thread, including all of the OP’s apologies and explanations. Her posts about feeling sensitive and not meaning to cause offense. About realizing that she shouldn’t and doesn’t want men barred for baby groups.

And you still felt the need to post that she was BVU and ask if she was stirring shit?

That’s a bit odd.

He's seen me breastfeed both of babies and couldn't give a monkeys about mothers breastfeeding around him.

This has been said several times. So, again, they’re not the ones exposed. So it isn’t about their comfort.

Oh, and it's not AIBU...

@PopWentTheWeasel
He'll be thrilled to learn you think he's leering at you and should stay in his place at home and stare at 4 walls
How ridiculous!

1. Neither OP or anyone else has suggested that men and playgroups should be banned because they all "leer" at breastfeeding mothers.

1. Nobody has suggested that men looking after small children should be confined to their homes. In fact to the contrary, a few posters have suggested that if a breastfeeding woman isn't willing to feed in front of men then she will be facing this reality.

I’m sure most men are fantastic and I’m grateful for the affirmations they don’t care on this thread.

After I had given birth and was on the ward, having had some third degree tearing and an episiotomy. I was trumping quite loudly with no warning, a bloke in the next bay wasn’t very good at hiding his amusement and nor were the Mother’s visitors. I then had a cry and could hear him asking “what’s up with her” I felt totally humiliated. So I’m genuinely so pleased that most men are kind and considerate but don’t assume every single one is!

@MonkeyTrap
Plus more seriously, all those posters saying that they are absolutely positive that their partner has no interest in women breastfeeding or being in various states of undress in a maternity ward, I'm sure in the vast majority of cases you are absolutely right but you are not inside your partner's head so can't know for certain and it's not like they would admit such a thing to you is it? Like it or not, there are men in this world who do have a unsavoury interest in this kind of thing and to pretend men like this don't exist is quite dangerous.

I guess everyone's view on where men should and shouldn't be following birth/whilst women breastfeed will wildly differ, but for me, I'd been examined by a male student nurse who was accompanied by a male midwife, then wheeled in to surgery and had a man deliver my baby via c section. After having a bloke elbow deep in my guts, and two men checking to see how dilated I was (before c section), it didn't massively bother me if someone on the next bed, which was separated by curtains, had their husband there helping them.

And that’s great for you, banana.

But if a woman feels vulnerable or triggered or just unhappy with a male present at such an upheaving time then her needs and wants trump you wanting your husband there to fetch you water. It really is that simple.

I had males present for my birth in theatre too. I wasn’t in a position to argue. I’ve had a male gynaecologist and urologist.

It’s not black and white.

I agree with Bumpity that you’re not in your partners head. But more importantly you’re not in my own. I might know my anxiety is unfounded and I’m being sensitive but that alone hasn’t magicked it away.

I guess the other thing with regards to new fathers being there over night is how is it really any different from the 9-10 odd hours during the day that literally anyone (friend, relative, work mate) can be on the maternity ward visiting women?
If it's a simple case of women don't want to breastfeed around men/they feel vulnerable having just gone through childbirth, then do regular day visitors not fall in to the same group as the new fathers?

Absolutely fine if you don’t mind who gives you intimate care, it won’t affect everyone the same. For various reasons, including religion, PTSD & trauma response, a lot of women cannot or do not want to have, males around when they are exposed or when they need intimate care. It’s perfectly reasonable for a woman to feel either way. Consideration for those who need privacy from males, really isn’t that much to ask.

Unsure why you feel self conscious about BFing, do you think the Dad’s will be leering over your lactating breasts or something? Really strange, they won’t even notice!

I’ve never thought twice about Dad’s being there, they have just as much right as Mum’s.

Isn’t there a real problem with men visiting the Dr because of embarrassment? Clearly I’m not alone.

Unsure why you feel self conscious about BFing, do you think the Dad’s will be leering over your lactating breasts or something? Really strange, they won’t even notice!

That’s fine for you to feel that way. Plenty of women do mind, and that’s not strange. It’s common and it’s just as valid as your feelings.

@Pinkvoid

I have not accused anyone of leering. I felt uncomfortable exposing myself in close proximity. I accept its my issue, not theirs.

I felt self conscious feeding in general and more so in front of men. Just like I would going topless on a beach. Not because I think they are leering just because. The difference being you choose to go topless but you have to feed your baby.

Gosh I don't know what I'd have done if my husband hadn't been able to stay - my daughter was born in the early hrs via emergency csection under General anaesthetic - I was then unconscious for a long time during which time my husband cared for my daughter - then when I was conscious I was bed bound for a week so he literally did everything - I had blood transfusions from womb rupture and a very bad infection so he basically had to deal with all the things I would ordinarily have been doing. Fortunately I was given a private room but the rest of the postnatal unit was on a ward - what do you do in those circumstances? Would he have been made to go home and my daughter left with a midwife for the next couple of nights? I only wish I'd been lucky enough to be able to breastfeed! And if I'm lucky enough to breast feed when I have my baby in 5 wks time then hopefully I'll be too chuffed to care who sees!

I think that until the NHS stops being so shit and new mothers neglected in post natal wars fathers are going to have to stay sometimes.

And if I end up with a Csec I would prioritise my needs above the wants of someone else.

You could go to a private mum and baby group - many of them exclude men entirely. The public ones should be welcome to all.

It genuinely never crossed my mind to think anything about about dads being at these groups. Sometimes just the dad came. No one appeared to bat an eyelid about it.