Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

This is exactly the kind of opinion that keeps alive the belief that women have to primary carers and men shouldn't take extended leave or be sahp.

Seen your update!! I can’t believe people have been so ridiculous to you about breastfeeding in public. I’ve never had anyone say anything but I’d definitely be ready with a come back ‘stop harassing me, it’s illegal!’ Or ‘go and enjoy your cows milk latte’ maybe something along those lines.

It can feel weird when you’re the only one breastfeeding too. I’ve had that in a few baby groups but maybe a Mum with a bottle would feel the same way if the roles were switched.

You feeling uncomfortable breastfeeding in public has nothing to do with dads going to baby groups.
I think it's great that dads are doing more things like this with their children.
Also the use of the word pandering is horrible, it makes it seem like giving emotional support is stupid and the woman is weak for needing it.

I want to be part of the whole empowerment of BF women movement.

Then to do this you need to feed. I'm not saying full boobs out but just carry on doing your thing as you've done so far. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. The person in the wrong is the one that eye rolled and made you feel uncomfortable. I appreciate you've been made to feel insecure and I do feel for you but if you truly believe the statement you made above you need to fight back. Eye rollers are best greeted with a beaming smile or a flip of the bird whichever takes your fancy really

Ah okay OP. That does sound offputting, and I can understand if you feel a bit wobbly because of it.
For what it’s worth I FF DD1 and felt judged and criticised with my bottles. Sooo fast forward to DD2 I EBF and decided from word go that I would ‘own it’and not care what anyone thought. But actually I worked myself into a state and was just gagging for someone to give me an iota of disapproval so I could let rip at them all ‘postnatal hormonal guns blazing’. In 6 months I think that barely anyone noticed me doing it, much less cared. The only reaction I had was knowing friendly smiles from older ladies, camaraderie from women, and glasses of water from woke hipster men 😊 even the teenage boys don’t notice or look. Middle age men have been seen to over egg the whole ‘adverting their gaze’ but I guess that comes from a place of trying to do the right thing even if they aren’t used to it.
It’s fantastic you are BF, well done. Keep up the good work, put your big girls pants on and crack on feeding where you like.
Ikea show room, Costa, the park, Santa express, school play, funeral, church service, the vets, a house party, the bus are all places I have BF and no one cared or noticed.

Sorry, my phone auto-correct changed DH to DC. My husband looks after our dcs a few days a week and having been made to feel very uncomfortable, will no longer take dgs to any baby groups. I think it is so sad that we are forever moaning that men don't do their fair share of the childcare and when they try to do something the women make them feel uncomfortable.

I want to be part of the whole empowerment of BF women movement.

Does this actually exist?! I think you’re putting far too much pressure on yourself OP. My youngest is 16 months and I’m still breastfeeding her. I don’t feel empowered, I feel irritated, exasperated, violated and bruised! The fact you feel affronted and uncomfortable because other babies were being fed by bottles is quite worrying to be honest.

YABU, Why should men be excluded from baby groups?
At most of the baby and toddler groups I have been to, there have been single dads or stay at home dads.
Most people are busy wrangling their own kids, trying to have a chat and wouldn't even notice you BF.

I think it’s nice dads go too. I’m EBF and do it discreetly but if they did see anything at the end of the day I’m feeding my child.

Please don't let other babies being bottle fed impact on how you feel. For all you know some of the mothers of those babies struggled really hard to try and breastfeed but ultimately couldn't. Or perhaps the bottle contains breastmilk. We all need to judge one another less on how we feed our babies. Slightly separate to the main issue, but still worth mentioning.

If someone says something in a public place to you about feeding your baby, tell them to shove off - I'm sorry your experience has shook you up though. I've been judged by random people in cafes for bottle feeding - you literally can't win. And just so you know OP, having a FF baby in a room full of BF ones isn't a barrel of laughs either - we never managed to getting BF to work so I used to sit there feeling enormously guilty and angry/upset about my shitty tits.

It would be great if more men went to groups and get involved in different activities. You do see more men at toddler activities though which is positive.

I think what you can take away from this thread OP is that we’re all doing it ‘wrong’ because there’s no right way

@Imicola
I don’t care re the bottle. Generally there’s a mix. Generally you feel comfortable in the presence of people doing the same thing.

YABVU. What about the dads that are on shared parental leave or work flexibly so they have time with their babies too? Are they not allowed to see their baby enjoying a group?! Ridiculous.

I made a great male friend at one of our baby groups, he was very self conscious about being there but he has as much right as you and me.

Your experience sounds off putting op so I can see why you feel a bit uncomfortable but as many pps have said this is not the fault of the dads attending parent and baby groups and nor should they be made to suffer because a random woman gave you the stink eye.
She was in the wrong not you.

Your post does sound as if it's tinged with a bit of resentment perhaps at you DH for not supporting you in the way you see others being supported. That's not 'pandering' that's caring for someone you love who's gone through a hugely life changing event. You probably need to talk but keep doing what you're doing and the confidence will come.

I used to take my baby back to the car to feed if I was out and about as I was more worried I would offend others / get disapproving looks. This soon changed as I soon realised no one gives a hoot and if they do then it's their problem.
You will overcome the BF in public anxiety if you want to.

My mother told me I would have to take my baby upstairs to feed when I came to visit, as to save the mens embrassement .

I didn't.

I never once got challenged on my choice of feeding so I can't speak on that front but I am sure your own negative experience was an exception and will not be a common occurrence.

My partner is a SAHD and he has had some horrible experiences when attending baby weigh in and baby and toddler groups. He was also amazingly supportive when I was breastfeeding. To hear your opinion on men attending group only adds weight to my partners experienced isolation when attending said groups.

I am sure you can see that for many various reasons men need and should have equal rights to attend, participate and feel included in such surroundings.

I want to be part of the whole empowerment of BF women movement

Then you really need to ditch the idea that breastfeeding should be hidden away from 50% of the population. It's a perfectly normal thing to do and anyone who gives you grief about it is a twat. But Dads being kept away from baby groups isn't going to do anything to help further normslise and neutrslise feeding in public.

Those of you saying your partner was a SAHD and if dad hadn't gone then the child would miss out, that's not the case, it's the couples going together, like the person ^^ said, like it's a weird double date.

Hence me suggesting maybe hands on dad does something useful, while his partner goes to baby group (or vice versa)

@RebeccaWrongDaily get a grip. It's not a double date. Is a family activity to bond and play with a baby who is pretty much useless to do much else with.

I'm sorry they made you feel like that but for what its worth, I remember feeling embarrassed that I was bottle feeding my baby when it seemed like most other mums were able to breastfeed - I had a few comments from other mums suggesting I should have tried harder (I really couldn't) - the point being it's rotten feeling judged either way - wish people were a little less judgmental - why should it matter to anyone else what a mother does?

Ps my husband unfortunately was at work when I was on maternity leave - but he once had a day off and came along to a baby class with me - it was lovely for him to see what we were getting up to during maternity leave! Some of the ladies brought their mothers along every week.

I would really appreciate not being told to get a grip for having a differing opinion. I think it's weird that two adults, with a 3 month old baby that basically does naff all, have to go to play group together to 'bond'- It's frankly weird, and a bit controlling (assuming there are no issues with mum's PN health)
The 'group' is not really, at that stage, for the baby, they're primarily to enable the parents to find some people to hang out with. When a couple roll up it changes the dynamic.
I have no issues with SAHD's and during the years I was at home with my small children spent 80% of my time with another SAHD down the park or at the toddler drop ins etc. If DH had a day off we'd do something fun together with the kids that didn't involve sitting in a church hall eating soft biscuits and talking about nappy contents / sleep routines.

Haven't RTFT but YABU. In Sweden partners take a large chunk of parental leave, attend baby groups with their offspring and Swedens BF rate is higher than England so there can't be a correlation as you suggest. I personally encourages partners of both sexes to attend groups with their babies, no one is there to watch you BF. If it helps I BF dd until nearly 3 in both England and Sweden and never once had a negative experience.

I want to be part of the whole empowerment of BF women movement.

Am I just really old, what is this?

I breast fed my dd until she was 3 and a half but I never felt part of any movement. I just fed her. Was it meant to be some sort of political statement?

What do you not understand @RebeccaWrongDaily ? A play group or baby class is literally designed for the baby. It's got toys, activities and games centred around that stage of development.

As FTP me and DH learnt so much from these places. How to interact with DS. His entire Christmas was made up of toys we'd seen him play with at these places.

If couples change the dynamic then that sucks for those people who are that soft.
I couldn't have cared who didn't want him there. They can go find somewhere else.