Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

But surely with that should come some understanding that my feelings are no less valid? They are. If you feel very strongly about it stick to the session that don't have men in them.

I didn’t get the choice of having DH support, he needed to get back to work and that would have been the same irrespective of my feelings You can't stop other men going just because yours didn't. You need to be able to see them as men who are able / willing to parent, day to day, more than yours can. All families have fdifferent needs and priorities.

I despair sometimes. Men are encroaching on all sorts of female spaces, but parent and baby class really isn't one of them! Men are dads, are parents too.

*pinkyredrose

What do mean by your husband doesn't 'pander' to you? Is 'pandering' his word or yours? Is he expecting you to do everything you did before you had a baby without his input because he 'goes to work'?*

I mean he’s not the emotionally supportive type. You’ll also note I said it might be nice if he was a bit more that way inclined. It was in no way a criticism of anyone else.

I don’t think you have ‘divided opinions’. You have been told clearly the vast majority of times that you are being unreasonable.

@CuriousaboutSamphire
I wasn’t saying that I should stop other dads because I didn’t get the choice. I was dating people are assuming I’m emotionally stable because my DH isn’t there. His lack of presence isn’t indicative of my mental state.

@ClaudiaWankleman

Oh ffs rein it in. I have acknowledged and appreciated the different POV put to me. It’s given me some insight and I’ve acknowledged that. No need to keep twisting the bloody knife.

So is it just a case of you being envious that some fathers choose to take their child to playgroups/attend with their partners?

I don't think people are making a judgement call about your mental health because your husband isn't there. The majority of the dads will be there for their child not to provide emotional support to their partners.
My DH usually went on his own with DS....it was their 'thing'

Alternate view: I’m a dad who took 3 months off when my twins were born. I had every intention of going along to loads of groups.

But I was out off by the groups all being called “mother and baby groups” as opposed to something more neutral. I didn’t want to intrude on a space that was explicitly for women, so I didn’t go.

Yes, there was one dads group locally. But it was a religious group, organised by a church. I’m an atheist. So that wasn’t for me either.

I understand the need for women to have women only spaces, particularly after child birth. I wouldn’t want to intrude on discussions about the consequences of childbirth, or the difficulties of breast feeding.

But I did feel excluded and isolated. I think we need to rethink the naming and accessibility of these groups if we want dads to step up.

Maybe just maybe it’s not about women needing men there but a father wanting to do something with his new child?

@SureTry

Seriously?

It’s a case of feeling self conscious and anxious and wanting to bf my child and have a chat without those feelings.

Having the ability to admire other men’s more hands on approach is a second, quite separate observation I have made. The two are mutually exclusive.

@CostanzaG

Peachgreen said it was great I didn’t feel I needed the support, which I hadn’t said.

I went back to work . My husband was a SAHD. You are being awfully unreasonable. It's 2019.

In the nicest possible way though your self consciousness is your problem and shouldn’t make someone else feel uncomfortable attending with their child

@PaddyF0dder

I’m really sorry to hear that was your experience and I didn’t mean to be insensitive. I can see how I was. I’m sure the mutual respect and space I’m craving is there and it’s only my mind that’s preventing me feel comfortable.

We went as a couple. With our twins mind would have been awkward with one going!

I would say the rates of BFing are so low in the UK, the lowest in Europe. So it’s clear this isn’t my issue alone and that actually, it’s important to foster good experiences of BFing for Mums.

That’s not to say Dads aren’t important too.

I do totally take the points raised on board. But do people really need to be so aggressive?

It’s a case of feeling self conscious and anxious and wanting to bf my child and have a chat without those feelings

And that's understandable and there are groups that are specifically aimed at breastfeeding mothers if you're specifically concerned about BF. But I don't see why general parental anxieties can't be discussed in a mixed group. Dads get anxiety too!

We shouldn't be alienating men from parent and child groups. We should be encouraging them to attend more!

By saying men shouldn’t go you are saying they are less important!

Perhaps making people realise that dad are no more interested in you feeding than a mum is would be a better approach!

YABVU and this makes me really sad.
I have EBF my baby and never had an issue with dads being at our groups, from very early on.

One of our first things we went to was a baby massage class. There was a dad there who was taking shared parental leave - his partner had gone back to work at 4 weeks as she was a sole trader but his company had a generous leave policy. I thought it was great. Was his baby just supposed to not get the benefits of massage because she was being looked after by a bloke?

I went to some BF support groups and a postnatal yoga group where I'd have been a bit surprised to see a man, mainly as the yoga was aimed at our pelvic floors! But we go to a lot of play groups, sing and rhyme at libraries etc and there are always at least a handful of dads. I have never once felt like I was being inappropriately looked at while BF and I think it's great to see more hands on dads.

My partner will be taking shared parental leave when I go back to work. Do you suggest my baby should just stop getting to go to her groups?

You are unreasonable. Your issues are your own and judging men for attending a baby group with their baby is wrong. Ask for somewhere private if it helps or look for groups that exclude men.

*By saying men shouldn’t go you are saying they are less important!

Perhaps making people realise that dad are no more interested in you feeding than a mum is would be a better approach!*

Yes I agree.

Totally unreasonable. Dads have every right to be there and we should be actively encouraging more men to attend wherever possible to help reduce the imbalance between how women and men are generally expected to parent.
If you feel uncomfortable, I feel for you but ultimately it's your issue to overcome, or seek out specific mother and baby groups.

I'm also confused, are you saying your DH not being emotionally supportive is the same as not 'pandering' to you? To me, not being emotionally supportive is being a shit partner and father. Not pandering is very different!

Yabvu I get that you are uncomfortable breast feeding around men, I can guarantee that the majority have saw women breastfeeding before, they don't care.
They certainly will not be leering at you while you feed!
To say that men should not be at parent and baby groups is ridiculous they are more interested in their own child.
What about single father's should their children be left out as you might feel uncomfortable?
You will get more confidence breastfeeding the more you do it out and about don't let who ever is about put you off especially not a dad who has more than likely saw it before

Ffs OP, get over yourself! Why shouldn't a new dad spend time bonding with his baby just because you are being ridiculous. I've never seen anyone, male or female, be bothered or even look at a BFing mum. Why do you think everyone is interested in you? Feed your baby however you want and stop judging other parents.

My dh wanted to go to groups with our dd when she was a baby but was made to feel so uncomfortable by the group leaders and some of the mums (like you, op) he only did a few before giving up. Dads have just as much right as mums to spend time with their children no matter how they are fed.

@codenameduchess

You’re right I’m a complete bitch.

To feel self conscious BFing is totally unique and beyond comprehension.

Thank you for highlighting the error of my monsterous ways.