Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

@Foxmuffin yeah it's tough getting used to breastfeeding and all that goes along with that. You just have to keep remembering you are doing great for your baby, it's a shame you felt awkward in that situation, but just think, the more people see breastfeeding the more it becomes a non event for people to stare at.
Look at it that are helping break down those barriers when it comes to breastfeeding.

i think, as you have acknowledged, probably not the best wording of the thread as this is more about you feeling awkward than fathers not attending baby groups. We have some a fathers attend some of the different groups we attend, one has become a friend of ours in one group, he felt so awkward initially as some of the other mums were staring and being quite rude to him. (Although they can be like that with other mums. So maybe not a gender issue)

Good luck with your breastfeeding and the confidence that (in the nicest possible way) they don't really care if you're feeding.

@DecomposingComposers and me 😂 I've never got this sisterhood of breastfeeding.
It was between me and my kids. I didn't do it for anyone else. I honestly couldn't care less what other parents choose.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself OP!

If it is community centre/church hall type babies and toddler group then there is absolutely no reason to think men won't be there. It 2019 there are same sex couples with babies, there are male childminders, there are stay at home dads, there are grandparents looking after their grandchildren who find it easier to share the load because small children when you are in your 60-70s are tiring. There are mums that want their partner there because they lack confidence, because the have PND, because they have had a section and can't drive or because of illness/disability. Breastfeeding rates are low in the UK but not because a small percentage of the careers at baby groups are men. Countries with much higher rates of BF often have better paternal leave and so presumably more men at baby activities than the UK where it is still low.#

rebecca But how would you know if there were issues with the mum's health? I certainly didn't explain to people at baby groups that my husband was there because I was only two weeks past a period of postnatal psychosis so intense I'd only been prevented from committing suicide by the early arrival of my HV and I therefore wasn't allowed to be alone with my baby. And you wouldn't have been able to tell to look at me.

Clearly touched a nerve with you Contraceptives. I am glad you and your DH got so much out of it :)

You haven't touched any nerve. I just think what you wrote was ridiculous.

Get over yourself. Fathers have just as much right to be at baby groups as mothers. Just because your husband does not pander to you does not mean others won’t support their partners. I know for a fact groups of women can be absolute bitches to men who turn up and make life really uncomfortable. As a woman I am sick to death of the I breastfeed and do it anywhere I want brigade, and I don’t like to see public breastfeeding. Go to another room and do it discretely, and let the men spend time with their babies at the group,

chloemol OP has the right to breastfeed wherever she wants and if it makes someone uncomfortable, man or woman, THEY should be the ones to leave. I'm afraid you're the one that needs to get over yourself here - and I say that as someone who believes men should be welcome at baby groups.

I sort of get where Rebecca is coming from in finding it weird that couples would go together!

Men with their babies I have no issue with (why would I?). It’s not even that I’d have an issue with a couple more I’d be wondering why they would choose to go to a baby group together instead of something less shit really!

I also wouldn’t befriend a couple! I’d be thinking they’re a bit strange 😬 and I wouldn’t really want to sit there third wheeling with them!

What about single men with kids

Gay couples

Men who take the primary childcare role

You are being very very unreasonable

IvanaPee

Does it make any difference to OPs problem though, whether the men are there as part of a couple or on their own? Her issue is that there are men there surely?

So maybe what the OP is saying is that she could do with a female only space where she could socialize with other women and get confident with breastfeeding.

I have to say I had a few men ogling my breasts when I was breastfeeding. And making fairly pervy comments - one of them was the husband of one of my friends. He made me feel very uncomfortable.

OP I think you've had an unfairly harsh ride on this thread. But I think we all know that women aren't allowed any female only spaces anymore. If the men want in then what the men wants goes.

No, I suppose not.

I did tell OP earlier that I think she’s doing herself a disservice by stopping!

Just pondering the point, I suppose! I’ve never actually seen a couple at any of the baby groups I endured when mine were younger!

Perhaps it’s more common in the UK.

I used to go to a baby group attended by a couple and also a woman who came with her mum. We all became friends. BF’d in front of friend’s husbands. They didn’t bat an eyelid.

My DH was a stay at home parent for quite a while and regularly went to playgroups and chatted to mums who were mainly friendly and welcoming. (I guess he didn’t talk to the ones who weren’t).

Having said that I will admit that when my babies were born, it was women with babies the exact age of mine that I mainly wanted to talk to but only because I felt lonely and wanted to connect with people who were going through/had been through the same as me.

Sorry you’re having a hard tome, nothin andoff the thread. People love to lock you when you’re down on AIBU.

Takes big summer scarf when you go, don’t start staying in and miss out on human contact.

I do understand where you're coming from as I was quite nervous breastfeeding in public at first.
However, being a young mum I often feel a bit left out at baby groups as most of the mothers there have their own friend groups / get chatting to other mums of a similar age. So I sometimes do drag (reluctant) DP with me so that I feel less awkward.

YABU, men are entitled to take their children to groups. SAHD, single dads, separated dads, gay dads, male nannies... shouldn’t be excluded from parenting groups and neither should their babies. They might also need support! I know a SAHD and it’s awful how he’s been excluded from groups for being male, he’s so isolated.

As pp have said, if the issue is that you feel uncomfortable feeding in front of men, then you’ll have that issue in most places. There are female only spaces such as breastfeeding groups but you can’t expect every group to be female only. Otherwise where can the dads go?

groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable
Can you say why you feel uncomfortable around men? Is it because you think men might look at your breasts in a sexual way?

YABU ... a really odd opinion.

My DH used to do baby / toddler groups. Goodness knows why I should go and he should have to go and sit in a cafe somewhere.

OP, it's rubbish that you had that negative experience in public when getting into the swing of breastfeeding.

But the type of people who go to baby groups are not the type likely to care that you're breastfeeding. It will probably barely register with them. Also, people are pretty fixated on their own babies anyway. (If someone were to make you feel uncomfortable, you would take it up with the group leader, not raising it as "men" thing but as a "this specific man (or woman)" issue.)

If you want a women-only space to establish breastfeeding, continue that separately through a breastfeeding network.

You will probably find men are a regular feature of all the baby and toddler groups as plenty take parental leave, or act as the primary caregiver. And of course there are also men in same sex relationships and single dads, including widowers. All very deserving of a spot in the groups, and likely to want to go to them!

If you do still feel uncomfortable breastfeeding in that setting (you shouldn't, and nobody there would want you to) then you'd need to either not do groups like that at all, or step out to go somewhere you do feel comfortable breastfeeding.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience bf but I think you realise YABU to want dads excluded from baby groups :)
Also I’m sorry your dh hasn’t done any pandering. After carrying a baby for 9mo, pushing that baby out your vagina and still keeping it alive after that I think women deserve some pandering, it makes me a bit sad to think guys just think it’s all in a day’s work. If they’d had the baby I bet they’d expect a bloody medal as well as a hell of a lot of pandering. Please tell him if you need him to do more - be it dinner waiting for him to come home and cook it, or a night wake up or bathing the baby, he’s their parent too. You’re not the only one able to look after this baby every hour of the day. Of course he might do all of these things but the tone of your posts is rather that he doesn’t.

I think your thinking is very backwards and old fashioned and perpetuates women feeling they have to do it all and the idea that men who look after their kids are babysitting for mum.

So yes, YABVU

Op, I don't think yabu to feel that way. Your feelings are your own and sometimes we can't change them.

Like others on this thread have said, it's not just a mother's world anymore. Sometimes this is where new mothers feel at their most vulnerable.

If you continue going to the group, just remember how strong you are for going on those days. If others have a problem with your BF, then that's their problem.

Your attitude is so disappointing. My DP was a sahd and women like you put him off going to baby groups. PS he doesn’t give a shit if you breastfeed and he’s certainly not looking.