Men at baby groups...

[Foxmuffin]

I might be BU but I’ve got a 3 month old baby and have been going to a few baby groups. I find it a bit off putting when partners/husbands join Mum and baby. I totally understand that women who have had sections will need help driving and possibly lifting things but have also know partners drop off and find a pub/cafe for the hour groups go on.

I’m EBF and I’ve been to a group of 9 where I was the only one BFing, with groups of new mums I feel comfortable just getting my boob out to feed, but when babies are on the bottle with men there I feel a bit uncomfortable and it kind of spoils it for me. I suppose if their partner is BFing I feel a bit more like they’ll understand. Please understand I’m not looking down at FF, it’s more that if Mum’s OH is used to seeing BFing and babies feeding for comfort for what can sometimes feel like most the group I feel they’ll understand.

My own DH went back to work after a week so I’ve been doing all these things on my own for some time. He has never been one to pander over either of us so I’ve had to do the food shop etc myself and get on without support (actually a little pandering would have been nice, but he’s not like that).

I’m probably being self conscious, I don’t mind feeding in public but in enclosed spaces I feel the need to be more discreet which then spoils baby bonding time which is why I go to these classes.

I think you’ve had a bit of an unfair rinsing here OP. BFing is hard and stressful and you’re not being unreasonable to feel self-conscious about it. Having said that, unless you look for specific women only spaces there are going to be men in lots of environments where you might need to feed: cafes, shopping centres, day out type places. They really, really aren’t bothered at all.

I’ve read all the posts and honestly op I think you need to get over yourself. You bang on about your feelings and others being selfish but can’t see the hypocrisy.

My OH is planning on taking extended leave to spend time with me and our new born. Why shouldn't he come and enjoy the classes too? He'll be there for us. And really isn't interested in watching you bf

Can you not just use a cover? Poor dads get a bit of a raw deal in my opinion. My sister's partner was a SAHD whilst she went back to work - bit harsh to exclude him from all of those activities!

I'm sorry your DH is a bit rubbish and other dads make the effort.
Have a

YABU. This is your issue, and nothing to do with men being there or not.
Everyone knows some babies are breastfed, and most don't care either way or bat an eyelid.
My husband is a SAHP and takes our daughter to a playgroup every week. Luckily he's fully accepted there (hasn't been everywhere) by everyone. There are women who breastfeed at the group and it's not an issue for anyone.

Not sure what was wrong with my question.

My bil was a sahd as my dsis was the higher earner. She went back to work when her twins were 4 months old, they also had an 18 month old. He went to every baby group going as it gave him some sanity and other parents to talk too, he even ended up running one of the groups. I get your self consious, but he seriously would not have batted an eyelid at a mother breast feeding, infact quite a lot of the twin mums attempted to breastfeed whilst at groups, tandem feeding is not discreet. Your needs and wants do not trump that of another parent.

I personally feel sad that there are so few men at baby groups and classes and disappointed that there isn't more on at the weekend so my DH could participate. If it's a breastfeeding support group, fine. If it is a parent and baby group you are being unreasonable. That said, sorry that you are finding feeding in public difficult.

I’ve read all the posts and honestly op I think you need to get over yourself. You bang on about your feelings and others being selfish but can’t see the hypocrisy.

I absolutely can. I have genuinely seen a different POV and am genuinely sorry to have offended anyone.

DH is a SAHD. Don’t see why DC should miss out on groups because his main carer is male

If you'd have started a thread about feeling anxious / uncomfortable breastfeeding in public, you would probably have got a different response. But you've turned it into - men shouldn't be attending baby groups, which isn't really fair.

It also sounds like you have issues with the way that your husband has treated you since the birth of your child, and are possibly feeling a bit sore about seeing all these women with nice supportive husbands. That's an entirely separate issue to the breast feeding, and when you feel able to, you should address this.

Dad's are parents too.

Jesus christ it's hard for them to adjust as new parents also and now with shared parental leave, have time away from work also.

My husband has taken our daughters to play groups over the years, so has their grandad when he has looked after them.

You're the one with the issue and if it bothers you then you need to leave, don't punish and try to make another parent feel unwanted.

*sar302

If you'd have started a thread about feeling anxious / uncomfortable breastfeeding in public, you would probably have got a different response. But you've turned it into - men shouldn't be attending baby groups, which isn't really fair.*

Yes I can see that.

I had an experience a week or so ago that left me feeling anxious BFing, so I’ve kind of been trying to bat that to one side and carry on. Then today I went to a space I thought would be women only and that added to my anxiety.

I appreciate I have approached it the wrong way.

Men are parents too! My DH was a SAHD, he couldn't just sit in the house all day.

Unless your dancing completely topless, singing than your milkshake brings all the boys the the yard; no male parent is looking at you breastfeeding. They are far more concerned with their partner and child.

Men are allowed to occupy spaces meant for parents. They are parents too, and in some cases they'll be the mother's both physical and/or mental support. --Or does your sexism trump the accessibly needs of disabled mothers?

I didn't attend many baby groups with my first because between being physically disabled and needing my DP's help for things I need help with; I knew this would be the attitude of many of the mother's so we chose no to impose.

Honestly I get breastfeeding is sometimes difficult but this attitude is not okay midway through 2019.

Have a and think about why you feel this way, is it because you are resentful of you own DH not being sufficiently there for you? It doesn't sound like he is there emotionally.

My DH loves coming to the sign classes with DS. He got really involved.

I can promise you he'd have no interest in your milky boobs. He already had to tolerate mine.

Oh OP, sounds like you’re having a difficult time. Breast feeding has been hard, feeding in public has been hard, you can’t help how you feel and you would have liked some more support from your DP.

I think you know it’s important that men aren’t alienated from these groups and in 2019 it isn’t really reasonable to exclude them. I think most Dads either won’t care a jot, or possibly will feel mildly embarrassed but know they shouldn’t and concentrate on averting their eyes and/or trying not to make you feel uncomfortable.

You’re more likely to find a women only environment at a breast feeding support group and could try one of these, or you could ask about somewhere else to feed as you’re finding it difficult. Or you could try and persevere. Remind yourself that you have the right to feed, that the dads really aren’t interested and it might be that your confidence increases and you feel more OK about it.

I think it’s a bit of a sensitive topic and lots of men have had a really hard time. You might well have got kinder replies if you’d posted about feeling self conscious feeding in public, rather than it becoming about the presence of men at baby groups. The stuff with your partner is separate again but does seem to be bothering you and maybe needs addressing.

I can see I have divided opinions!

No, you haven't.

YABVU.

@FoxMuffin you’re going to get post after post of the same comments from people who can’t be arsed to read the thread before sticking the boot in.

If I were you, I’d bow out!

I'm glad that you're starting to see the other side OP. I don't think the majority of posters have been aggressive or are calling you a bitch, but have been typically plain in what they're saying - YABU!

I can only echo what others have said - Dads have as much right to be there as you if it isn't specifically a Mother and Baby group. Most will not be there to support their partner because she can't go on her own or she isn't an independent person - they will be there taking an interest in what their child is doing and being a family. Most will not notice or care if you breastfeed.

Can you not see this as an opportunity to practice feeding in front of men in a safe, predominantly female environment who would stick up for you in the incredibly unlikely event of something happening?

It might also help you to try and change your mindset around feeding - for example rather than thinking about how feeding affects you (feeling self conscious), think about how you feeding can help others (giving others confidence, normalising breastfeeding etc)

YANBU to feel self conscious. You just need a more reasonable solution to that.

I like men being at baby groups, it makes it more interesting and shows the children that their dads are just as capable as their mum at taking care of them. I never felt self conscious as I assumed the men would have seen it all before with their partner and find it uninteresting.

The fact you feel self conscious BF is a moot point.
The fact your OH doesn’t get much time to be around to support you is also a moot point.
Both of those points are ones that most new parents face when adjusting to the new way of life but they are your issue to deal with. My DH has almost exclusively take our youngest to groups because I’m at work when they’re on and he isn’t. Should my child miss out because you have issues that have nothing to do with her or my husband? I chose my husband to have children with because I knew he would be my 50/50 partner in parenting them and I’d wager I’m not alone by a large majority.

Things you can do to make this situation easier for yourself:
Look into which groups are women only so that you can use those when you’re feeling self conscious.
Work on your self esteem where BF concerned. Are there things you can do to make you feel less exposed - groups at places with feeding rooms, using covers, expressing if you can.
Have a chat with your partner about how he can support you and make a plan going forward so that you feel you’re not alone.

Men being at baby groups isn’t the problem here.

Well, you are being unreasonable, unless it's a group specifically for breastfeeding.

However I always found it weird and unnecessary for both parents to attend together, and I noticed it impeded the mother from making meaningful connections with other mums if they always had their DP glued to them. It's different if the father is bringing the baby out to give the mother a rest - that makes perfect sense to me.

As a man I took my DC to baby/toddler groups every week for a couple of years and to NCT coffee mornings and get togethers. I was even chair of the NCT group for a year.
The worst thing was the occasional 'oh, a man can look after a baby' sort of comment. Of course men can, it isn't difficult, you feed one end, wipe the other, and worry continually.