Taking in a child for 3 months?

[Ivy44]

It’s looking like DP’s ex might be going to prison for 3 months for fraud.

DP and I have 1 child and we’re currently trying for another. We also have DSD - DPs daughter with the ex that might be going to prison. Of course we have said that DSD will come and live with us if her mum goes to prison. She stays with us 2 nights a week anyway and we live quite close to her school and friends.

DPs ex has another child, an older boy, who is not DPs child. I’ve never met this child, DP never sees him anymore (DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other when she split with DP). From what we hear from DSD, the older boy is quite badly behaved. DPs ex has asked us to take the older boy as well, if she goes to prison, so that the children aren’t separated. I can see why she’s asking but I’m not comfortable about it all. I feel bad for the boy but don’t think he is our responsibility.

How old are the children?
What do you mean by badly behaved?

It is right that siblings who live together 5 days a week continue to do so,

If you cannot take the second sibling, perhaps someone else in their DMum’s family has them, or foster care if no-one else can have them together.

It is going to be very important that they continue to have each other

DSD is 7. The older boy is 11.

He’s been in trouble at school for being disruptive and picking on other children. He stole DSDs savings from her room. He has a lot of tantrums which involve breaking thinks in the house, including some of DSDs things.

Unless the boy poses a danger to your family I really think you need to take him in. It's only 3 months, and it will be so much less traumatic and disruptive to him to stay with his sister. That's what is left of his family unit, it is so beneficial to him to keep that in tact.

Poor little kid. I really hope you decide to do it.

It’s 12 weeks. You would be doing both the children a huge favour to keep them together.

It would be really tough on you but in your position I think I would give it ago

Their mum is from Slovenia and has one brother living over here.

We don’t have space for both of them. If he came to live with us he would have to sleep on a camp bed in the living room. DSD has the box room when she stays. Single bed, wardrobe, desk. Unless we put bunk beds in there and they could sleep in the same room.

I’m concerned about his bullying behaviour , as I have a two year old.

What was the relationship between the boy and your dp like before?

Will they be able to spend time together before you decide?

What does the boy want to do?

He’s not your responsibility, no, but it would be a kind thing to do.

Is the boy's father on the scene?

I wouldn’t do it due to the impact on your child given the behaviour you describe.

I tihnk perhaps you ought to meet him, is he aware of what is happening. His mum needs to start preparing him and part of that should be involving him in decisions about his care. He may prefer to stay with his sister with adults that he doesn’t really know, or he may prefer to stay with familiar adults and have regular contact with his sister.

At 11 he is old enough to have a view, and I suspect he will fare better if he has input into the decision.

Where does your child sleep? I would bring the little one in with you and let the boy sleep there. Or put bunk beds in with your dsd.

DP says they got on well.

We have only just found out about the potential prison sentence, DPs ex phoned him last night. I don’t think she has been given a court date yet. She spoke with her solicitor yesterday and was advised that she should expect a minimum of 3 months in prison, it could be longer.

I would hope that the ex would let DP and the boy spend time together. I don’t know what the boy wants to do. The children haven’t been told about the potential prison term yet, DPs ex asked us not to mention it to DSD.

It is going to be very important that they continue to have each other

This is an assumption. Maybe the daughter would prefer not to be living with a sibling who tantrums and breaks things for the three months.

Another one wondering about the boy's father. It would be kind to take the sibling in, but if you don't have the room or energy for three kids, you may not be able to. It's going to be hard enough with the disruption without parenting a child you have not met before. It's important he has time with his sister, but equally important that he has a trusted adult to stay with.

The boys father was married to someone else when DPs ex got pregnant with the boy. He lives in Slovenia with his wife and family, I think he has Skype contact with his Dad.

@Ivy44 If that's the extent of his bad behaviour I don't think your toddler is in harms way. An 11 year old being disruptive in class and stealing petty cash from his sister isn't exactly a hardened felon.

I'd be getting a cheap bunk bed, putting your valuables away and getting on with it.

I'd be also thinking about DSD and how she will feel when she is older if you don't do this for her brother.

I agree with Fairy that you should talk to him about what he wants - to stick with his sister, or with a familiar adult (his dad?) and also build some rapport so you guys aren't strangers to him.

But if he does come stay with you I think he needs to be in a bedroom - either your kid on the floor of your room to make space, or do the bunk bed idea. I don't doubt that it will be hard but it will only be 3 months and you could make a huge difference to a child who it sounds like has already had a tough start with his mum going to prison.

I think we need to speak to DSD, once she is aware of what is happening, DSD and my DD are our priority in this. DSD seems a bit frightened of her older brother, I’ll see if I can get any more information on why this is when we see her at the weekend.

He isn't your responsibility but i tell you who's responsibility he is HIS MOTHERS who decided to commit fraud, Don't do it! She could get 3 months, she could get 1 year, she could get in a fight in prison or threaten a guard and have to do the full amount! you don't know and I am guessing once he is with you and she is in prison there will be no one else for him to go to!!

I would not prioritise this boy at all.
Speak to DSD and assure her that she is safe and has a a home with you and that is secure no matter what.

If there is no one in the UK to take him then SS will have to step in. There is nothing they can do to force you to do this.

I had wondered if Social Services might insist on them staying together, if not with us, then in care.

Obviously we don’t want DSD going into care when she has a home with us.

At what point do social services get involved?

I’ve been reading up this morning and found that there is no obligation for the courts to inform ss. The first some children hear of it is when they don’t get picked up from school, then ss get a call.

SS can't insist on anything.
Your Husband has PR. They can not prioritise keeping your daughter with this boy over him having the right to house his daughter.

Unless he is proven to be unfit she will go to him.

We’re definitely not unfit, both of us have been cleared to work in schools. SS have never had any reason to be involved with us.

Thanks for your advice!