Taking in a child for 3 months?

[Ivy44]

It’s looking like DP’s ex might be going to prison for 3 months for fraud.

DP and I have 1 child and we’re currently trying for another. We also have DSD - DPs daughter with the ex that might be going to prison. Of course we have said that DSD will come and live with us if her mum goes to prison. She stays with us 2 nights a week anyway and we live quite close to her school and friends.

DPs ex has another child, an older boy, who is not DPs child. I’ve never met this child, DP never sees him anymore (DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other when she split with DP). From what we hear from DSD, the older boy is quite badly behaved. DPs ex has asked us to take the older boy as well, if she goes to prison, so that the children aren’t separated. I can see why she’s asking but I’m not comfortable about it all. I feel bad for the boy but don’t think he is our responsibility.

If you don’t want to do something just don’t do it, don’t look to strangers on the internet to confirm your feelings or give you a justifiable excuse.

This is a very strange thread. Why on earth are posters positive that the best thing for the 11 year old would be to be housed for three months with a woman he has never met in his young life and a man he probably barely remembers and has not seen for four years? Honestly that sounds a more traumatic choice for him than him staying with an uncle that it sounds like he knows well. Why are people trying to force him into a home he has never been to just because his sister will be there? The option of staying with the OP sounds like it would be very uncomfortable for him and very crowded as well. It also sounds like the OP and DH would be willing to facilitate visit for the children if he stayed with his uncle, this sounds like the best choice under the circumstances for all concerned.

You could ask the children's mother to arrange for you & OH to spend some time with her son & judge for yourselves how you think he would/wouldn't get along with you all. If you don't think you can manage to cope with any behaviour he displays then in the nicest way possible it could be put to him if the time comes that since neither you nor his uncle have room for both of them you'll each be having 1 to stay & making sure they get together & see each other.

Don't let people guilt you into taking the boy in. He is not your responsibility. Do what you feel is right for your family. I wouldn't be taking him in

1. Meet him
2. Ask the ex why she thinks staying with you is better than staying with his uncle
3. Don't assume DSD is completely accurate in her assessment of her brother.
4. If you take him in put the two girls in one room and the boy in the boxroom.

Also, without trying to guilt you, not all children in care are placed in foster homes - there simply aren't enough

You don’t like or want him, this is ok for you to feel, just say so outright

Stop asking for pity though

1. Meet him
2. Ask the ex why she thinks staying with you is better than staying with his uncle
3. Don't assume DSD is completely accurate in her assessment of her brother.
4. If you take him in put the two girls in one room and the boy in the boxroom.

Agree.

In the traumatic situation of his mother going to prison it probably would be best to keep both children together. Wouldn't social services make some payment towards his upkeep?

One thing to keep in mind is what may happen if you don't take him in.

How will the dc handle the separation and the reunification? Will the boy having a few unstable months (possibly changing schools, living with unknown people possibly etc) negatively affect their reunification?

Will your dh consider applying for primary residency of the dsd if things don't go well and the boy increases negative behaviour towards dsd because of the separation?

I think the potential issues resulting from separation and then reunification is a very good reason to consider taking him in.

Your dh needs to meet with him, see how they interact together. Hopefully they can restart their previous positive relationship with each other. Then they need to discuss the possibility with the boy and lay some ground rules and expectations. He does need the small room to himself at that age imo.

Would there be any possibility of negotiation with the brother and keeping the boy in his mother's home with your dh and the brother taking it in turns to look after him? Would only work if for a short period otherwise housing benefit would stop. Would give him some stability and her a home to come back to. If the ex loses her home then it could be longer looking after him until she manages to find a new home. It does depend on the brother's situation and whether between you it will be possible to finance the extra costs of the house.

It will be the summer holidays for a load of any sentence. Could he not stay with his dad in Slovenia?

I think your DP's ex has got a bloody cheek asking you to have her son, given she disallowed your partner contact after the split. What makes her think an 11yr old would be comfortable staying with (virtual) strangers anyway? He will almost definitely pick up on the fact that you (understandably) don't really want him there and it'd be so awkward for him. It's all very well people sitting behind their keyboard telling you that you should take the lad in OP* but given that you have a little one to think of (put first) and you have no real idea of how bad his behaviour is or how long you will have to look after him for I would tell her no.

I'm not sure why other posters are certain that living with a woman he's never met and a man he hasn't seen since he was 7 will be better for him than an uncle who he (presumably) knows and has a relationship with.

Though even if you would be a better choice, your dd and dsd are your priority and it doesn't sound like having him there will be in their best interest.

If I were your DP I'd use the 3 month period as an opportunity to formally apply to become the resident parent. It sounds like the two of you can offer dsd a lot more stability than the mother and I say this as someone who had a bullying older brother. My brother has received diagnoses as an adult that explain his childhood behaviour so while it wasn't completely his 'fault' he made my childhood very difficult and the effects have lasted into adulthood.

We took in my DH stepson ( DH lived with his mum from 4 -11 ) we took him in at 16 as the other option was prison- he took ever bit of jewellery and sold it, was on a tag and broke the condition - And ended up in young offenders - don't take him in its a hugh responsibly. Let his needs be met with a foster family but have contact and visits with you, you can support him that way and forge a relationship.
However I did take in my daughters friend for about 6 months and that ended very well, we have just received her wedding invite. You really need to think of you.

As a teacher, who frequently deals with very disruptive 7 year olds, I can wholeheartedly say that this is usually due to very chaotic and unsettling home circumstances. I, personally, wouldn't take your DSD's opinion of her brother at face value. He's understandably upset that his sister has two nights a week at your house, with a man he used to have a great relationship with and probably takes this hurt out on her in a typical PITA big brother way. She probably doesn't want to share her dad if she already only sees him two nights a week and might be worried about your partner liking him more than her!!
Your partner really needs to step-up here to reassure both children. Spending time with your family could do the brother the world of good you know!! Showing him love, routine and structure will really help him in the long run. Couldn't he have the box room and the two girls share a room? What's the problem with that? If you do give him a chance, please don't then walk around on eggshells, tense, expecting him to be naughty, and almost waiting for him to act up. You'll resent him, but need to keep in perspective that his behaviour will probably be no worse than the two girls. At this moment in time, I absolutely would not be thinking of another baby either. If you don't take brother in, and then did fall pregnant, how do you think your DSD would feel? "Oh, sorry, we couldn't take your brother in as didn't have room, but we do have enough space for a baby!". If I were you, I'd ask for your partner to have at least weekly contact with dsd and her brother, and see how that goes up until sentencing. If things go well, then consider taking him in. Ensure you have the support from the ex's brother so he can take both children, perhaps once a fortnight, to give you some respite if needed.

That should have said very disruptive 11 year old boys, not 7 year olds.

I would say no to having her son. DSD is frightened of him. You don’t have enough space, you have no relationship with him and nor does your DP. Four years without contact is a long time.

Surely he would be better with Mums brother, who he knows, and can get far more attention from?

MrsPworkingmummy the brother isn't 7, he's 11. The sister is 7.

Every sympathy for the 11 year old whose been failed by the adults in his life, but putting him in a tiny overcrowded house with untrained people he doesn't know and an unrelated toddler in order to keep him with a half sister he doesn't seem to get on with sounds batshit.

People who "take in" damaged children against their better judgement, especially into overcrowded conditions, out of duty and to look to the outside world like good people generally make things worse, not better. If the adults in the house become overwhelmed by all the children playing up in the tiny, crowded house the entire family could breakdown.

All sorts of things which some people are saying are normal, are not.

It's not normal for siblings to lie and say their sibling hurts them and steals from them, any more than its normal for an 11 year old to hurt, scare and steal from a 7 year old. Whoever posted that her children lie constantly like that about one another and teachers probably needs to have a think about and address why her children do that, not try to convince others it's normal behaviour!

I think your DC and DSD are your first priority here, not this boy, though I feel sorry for him.

If you doubt that he might be harmful to them, I would not let him stay. When I was a child, my mother temporarily took in my 2 cousins when my divorced aunt could not cope with them because of depression. I hated it. They were both quite traumatised and were a huge burden on the family and my poor mum who already had 3 young children herself to look after.

Put your own first OP, there is nothing wrong with that. Your gut feeling is telling you no for a reason.

Why can't DSD and DD share a room and the boy have the box room? This could be a great opportunity for you to have a positive influence on this child. In terms of him being jealous of his sister it could very well stem from the fact that he had the relationship with your DP taken off him yet his sister still gets to see her dad. Not your fault but this could be a great chance to rectify that and make him feel wanted. I suspect he feels very abandoned by both his father and his step father.

And although your 2 year old will be supervised so he won't get the chance to push her around like he does his sister, I imagine the tantrums where he breaks things will be enough to frighten her. I wouldn't subject my child to that sort of violence for the sake of a child I've never met and have no relationship with.

What a difficult situation , you haven't had much time to think about it .
I think your DP should meet with his ex and the boy to find out whether he is seriously troubled or 'just' a bit difficult.
I don't think space is an excuse ( although of course it will be disruptive) because you have several bedroom options that would work and you are considering another child ie have space for another baby.
I wouldn't ask DSD's opinion because she is too young to bear that responsibility and would be coming at it from a POV of having her personal space and routine upset.
Little DD is presumably constantly supervised so I can't see how she would be at risk.
Ex thinks your family would be the best option for her son which should be taken into consideration.
School is nearby.
I'm not saying for a second that this would be straightforward but it is short term .
If your OH and his ex both think it is in this poor boy's best interests and possibly/ probably the best interests of DSD then I think you should go for it.
I suppose your OH could move in to ex's house with both children if you aren't happy ; maybe with the boy going to his uncle at weekends or something if everyone was in agreement but that disrupts you and little DD.
Best of luck.

Fostering arrangements usually require the fostered child to be the youngest in the household. That's really the only way it can work with a child who is already troubled even before being removed from their home and parent.

Even a well balanced 11 year old is likely to go off the rails a bit when removed from their home, their only parent in any sense of the word sent to prison, and sent to live with strangers. The presence of a 4 years younger half sister who he already has a poor relationship with is not going to magically make him grounded and zen.

anybody would think twice about taking a random child into their home for a long period of time!

This is not a random child. This is the DSD's brother and the OP's DH was his step father for a large proportion of his life.

I am really gobsmacked at the responses on here. This is a child FGS. And I entirely agree with others saying you can't judge on the basis of a 7 YOs perspective at a particular point in time.

MY 11 YO would say his older brother is the meanest person on the planet sometimes. My 14YO would say the same about his younger brother. In reality they're both good kids and whilst they like most other children will have been in trouble at school at some stage it does not make them juvenile delinquents.

You need to meet the child. But I think your mind is made up anyway and you are trying to justify it to yourself knowing deep down it is wrong to turn him away.