Taking in a child for 3 months?

[Ivy44]

It’s looking like DP’s ex might be going to prison for 3 months for fraud.

DP and I have 1 child and we’re currently trying for another. We also have DSD - DPs daughter with the ex that might be going to prison. Of course we have said that DSD will come and live with us if her mum goes to prison. She stays with us 2 nights a week anyway and we live quite close to her school and friends.

DPs ex has another child, an older boy, who is not DPs child. I’ve never met this child, DP never sees him anymore (DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other when she split with DP). From what we hear from DSD, the older boy is quite badly behaved. DPs ex has asked us to take the older boy as well, if she goes to prison, so that the children aren’t separated. I can see why she’s asking but I’m not comfortable about it all. I feel bad for the boy but don’t think he is our responsibility.

He’s been in trouble at school for being disruptive and picking on other children. He stole DSDs savings from her room. He has a lot of tantrums which involve breaking thinks in the house, including some of DSDs things. And DSD is frightened of him.

Again, I don't dispute that he's a vulnerable child. But your priorities here are quite rightly your DC and DSD. If it would be negative for them then I don't think you should take him in.

His mother’s brother may take him, at least he’s related to them. They live about half an hour away so we could ensure contact with DSD.

That makes a difference if he can remain with family, not go into foster care and have contact with his sister. Perhaps that's the better solution.

To those who are suggesting that the rest of us wouldn't really help the OP to look after this child - yes, I would do that if I knew the OP in real life or if she set up a fundraising page. It's sad that some people assume that everyone out there is uncaring.

Has she been convicted at court and waiting for sentencing or has it still to be heard in court?

If she is awaiting sentencing I would suggest meeting with her to chat through things and to meet the lad.

You have no idea what you could be agreeing to and I know I certainly wouldn't be going into something like this completely blind.

Asking DSD what she thinks is a terrible idea. She’s 7, it’s not fair to put such a big decision in her hands.

OP, people are telling you to take him because they’re not the ones being impacted. I’m with everyone who’s saying no, sorry, the risk to your own family unit is far too great and he’s not your responsibility. Cheeky cow cutting your DP off from his step son when it suited her and assuming he’ll step up when it doesn’t.

Your priorities are your child and your DSD. You need the time, resources and energy to support her and that won’t be possible if you have to worry about him as well.

Also slightly appalled by anyone saying his behaviour is “par for the course”. You must know some pretty disturbed 11 year olds. Ffs.

As PP have said it makes far more sense to put both girls in together.

I dont know. Part of me thinks it's likely only 3 months and a nice thing to do. The other part thinks that your DP should go for full custody after this, and if that happened it would be cruel to kick the boy out and keep the daughter

Makes a lot more sense for your DP to tell his ex she needs to make arrangements for her son and for him to apply for RP of his daughter.

Your priorities have to be your dd and dsd. It doesn't sound like the boy coming to live with you is the best idea. You don't know him, you don't really have space for him, you don't know what sort of parenting he might need if his behaviour is challenging, you don't know how long he might need to be with you, you don't know if you will have another baby in that time or not.

I think his mum needs to find somewhere else for him to go. You can make sure he spends plenty of time with his sister if he is nearby. That's enough to be expected of you I think.

I would tell the mum now before she speaks to the kids and creates an expectation that they will both go with you.

I think you've made your mind up and are just trying to find justifiable reasons to not do it

I agree.

Some of the replies on here

I hope none of you are ever in this position where some ones kindness towards one of kids really helps you get out of a shit hole.

Why should the OP go for residency of the dd?

The FATHER should go for residency because he is clearly the more stable parent.

The kindest thing for a troubled child is a place where he's wanted, where it's not overcrowded, where his issues might get some professional attention. No one is saying the OP should go for residency of the 7-year-old but her father might, he's her parent and her other one has a criminal record, why shouldn't he?

He is an 11 year old boy whose mum is going to prison. You have never met him and your DP has not seen him for four years. You have prejudged him exclusively on the word of a seven year old. He may be completely out of control or just a PITA big brother.

I cannot believe you would consider not taking him in. Three months is nothing. Poor child.

I agree it's not ideal them sharing a room if they don't get along though. Where does your two year old sleep? Can you move things around for the three months so DSD shares with them and the boy has the box room?

Wow, the other child is just lying and exaggerating then? She should be disbelieved? The mind boggles.

You have prejudged him exclusively on the word of a seven year old. He may be completely out of control or just a PITA big brother

This x100. My children would happily say that their sibling is awful and mean and steals and picks on them. Entirely not true. Every teacher also hates them and picks on them for absolutely no reason at all. Again, nonsense. You need to know more about the child.

It doesn't matter wether or not she's lying. She is their daughter. That is her home.
She and her well being are their only concern.

The mother needs to ensure that both of her children are adequately housed during her incarceration.
Any adverse affects her children suffer due to her choices are only her fault.

Well, there you go, OP, your DSD is a liar.

I didn't say DSD was a liar. She is seven, so will have a seven year old's perspective on things. Of course OP and her DP have to take care of their DD and DSD needs.

But the DP was part of this boy's family too. It's not the boy's fault his mother kept him away.

I wonder if the situation were a bit different, if something were to happen to to OPs DP, would OP be ok with DSD going to social services?

Has anyone even considered what the child wants?

An 11yo boy may not want to stay with his ex step dad and a woman hes never met with a toddler. He may prefer to stay with his uncle.

OP, god forbid it should happen, but if one day you and your DP were unable to care for your child and they were facing what this boy is- how would you want a person in your position to act towards your child?

Please do the right thing and reshuffle your life for a short period of time to help this poor kid in need.

You're looking for excuses because you know what the right thing to do is, you just don't want to do it.

I mean really- Why would him staying with you for a few months delay you from conceiving another child? Even if her sentence is double (unlikely) and you get pregnant tomorrow (also unlikely) he will be gone for months before the baby is born. Also if your house is to small to possibly house this boy- why are you planning more babies in the near future?

The right thing isn't easy, but i think in your case it's really clear.

How can you say this is the right thing? You don't know this child.
He could cause serious damage to OPs home.
It could be the right thing not to take him in and protect the children they have.

Please, please take him in. If he is as bad as a 7 year old says he is, you have the opportunity to be a source of light in a clearly troubled 11 year olds life.

Meet him and go from there. please.

She's highly unlikely to get a custodial sentence as a single mum for a fraud offence (even 2nd time around). I'd be thinking it'll likely be community service, deduction from benefit (if applicable), community service (at a push), and/or tagging.

@Contraceptionismyfriend he's 11! If he was a pyromaniac or equivalent I'm sure they'd have heard about it. He stole £40 from his sister and 'breaks things', hardly the crimes of the century.

The answer is to get to know him and supervise him well. If he has troubling behaviour then deal with it like you would any other child.

To assume he's dangerous based on the information OP provided is just alarmist and silly.

My three brothers were all guilty of similar sins by that age. I found them incredibly annoying and difficult, but they were my family and I loved them and I cannot imagine what it would have done to my young mind and sense of trust if we'd been split apart out of some bizarre notion of protecting me. My brothers grew up to be successful and thoughtful men BTW, but who knows if they would have had the same outcome if no adult cared enough about them to deal with their immature behaviour appropriately rather than just look for excuses to shaft them into the foster care system.

Was the "office cleaner" in your previous thread really your OH's ex?

I wonder though if he would find the stability he needs in your home. Maybe that’s why he is acting out at his mums house. Look for root cause and solve the behaviour. Of course you don’t have to, and I’m the last person that would want to, but actually when it comes down to it, i would.

Any adverse affects her children suffer due to her choices are only her fault.

Whatever the answer, it's odd that people keep saying that.

The children are PEOPLE in their own right.