Taking in a child for 3 months?

[Ivy44]

It’s looking like DP’s ex might be going to prison for 3 months for fraud.

DP and I have 1 child and we’re currently trying for another. We also have DSD - DPs daughter with the ex that might be going to prison. Of course we have said that DSD will come and live with us if her mum goes to prison. She stays with us 2 nights a week anyway and we live quite close to her school and friends.

DPs ex has another child, an older boy, who is not DPs child. I’ve never met this child, DP never sees him anymore (DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other when she split with DP). From what we hear from DSD, the older boy is quite badly behaved. DPs ex has asked us to take the older boy as well, if she goes to prison, so that the children aren’t separated. I can see why she’s asking but I’m not comfortable about it all. I feel bad for the boy but don’t think he is our responsibility.

It is very traumatic to lose a parent to prison. I don’t think that’s being over dramatic.

I have worked with children in this situation, it’s awful to watch.

@bibidy

I know she was upset last night as her solicitor had told her that a three month sentence is likely. Apparently it should be more but it’s likely to be reduced to 3 months as she has kids. I have no experience of this so have no idea how it’s likely to play out. She did commit benefit fraud a few years ago, I know she was found out and had to pay it back but I don’t know if she got a criminal record for it.

I don’t know if it’s best for her to tell the kids so that they can prepare, or wait until she is sentenced (in case she doesn’t get a custodial sentence).

I'm sure it is, Ives, it's not a good idea to compound that by lodging him with people who do not want to care for him, and there's nothing wrong with that. Guilt tripping someone when they don't have physical space, headspace or want to doesn't benefit anyone.

"the boy" is your DSD's brother so the sharing of a room is a complete non point.

"the boy" was also your DP's step son. They lived together for years with your DP as his primary father figure (albeit they haven't had contact for four years).

"the boy" is also a eleven year old child FGS. My 11 YO son still sleeps with a cuddly stitch toy from disney and spends most of his free time watching kitten videos.

@cloudtree

I’ve never met him.

DP hasn’t seen him for 4 years.

DSD is frightened of him.

Actually, the room sharing is a point, even among siblings . And the fact that he's stolen from his half-sister and she's frightened of him.

But hey, OP, all these MNers who would I'm sure would be glad to take him in, they're so open-hearted and handed with other peoples' time, money, space, resources and emotions I'm sure they'll be falling over themselves PMing you with offers to take him, rent you a larger space to accommodate him, provide private counselling, the works.

The boy is no relation to the two people who live in the house. What if a first cousin pops up?

You would be completely justified to say no.

But you should say yes.

You have a chance to make a real difference in this boy’s life. Helping him is in your dsd’s best interest. Best case scenario of her sibling continuing on a troubled path is emotional distress for dsd. Another scenario is that seeing her mom go to prison and her brother go off the deep end, pushes her along a bad path. I would help him as a way of protecting her.

Put older boy in the box room and have dsd and your youngest share.

That's another point. How will the mother compensate you finically?

@cloudtree OP is not a saint, just human - anybody would think twice about taking a random child into their home for a long period of time!

And this is a child she doesn't even know, and who she has reason to believe has behavioural issues as well?

Come on, seriously.

My 11 YO son still sleeps with a cuddly stitch toy from disney and spends most of his free time watching kitten videos.

My 'badly behaved' 11-YO attacks us physically, tries to hack into things to play violent video games and watch inappropriate stuff on YouTube, has raging OCD, has meltdowns every single day, sometimes for hours, probably has PDA on top of the OCD and won't go to bed without melatonin. They're all different! And some of them are not someone I'd house if they weren't mine unless there was a lot of outside support and professional input involved. Not hard to imagine.

Actually, I think the best thing for this child, who sounds quite troubled, is foster care because it sounds like he may have some undiagnosed condition(s) that haven't been picked up upon and in a professional setting might get the chance to be addressed. Everyone makes out like 'the care system' is akin to the 9th circle of hell and yet they laud the bravery and selflessness of foster carers, well, they're not ogres, you know.

Stealing, tantrums and scaring 7 year olds isn't normal or par for the course for 11 year old boys at all - I have one, he has friends, also have an 8 year old.

This 11 year old boy is clearly troubled, and losing his father figure when the OP's partner left is doubtless part of it, but of course it's probably not just that.

If he frightens his sister and breaks and steals her things it's highly unlikely that making her share a box room with him for 3 months is in her interests.

Obviously nothing is at root an 11 year old's fault, he's still a child an a victim of crappy circumstances. However that doesn't mean that it's better for a 7 year old girl sibling to be kept with him if it means sharing a small room in an overcrowded house. Don't forget his behaviour will almost certainly be worse if his mother is taken away, and it's very likely he resents his half sister's father for abandoning him (it's highly unlikely his mother told him he'd like to stay in a pseudo paternal role after breaking up with his mother) and may be very unhappy and resentful indeed.

@contraceptionismyfriend

I don’t know if she would be able to. I think she’s in a fair bit of debt, which maybe what lead to her committing fraud. Having DSD won’t cost much more as we already buy her clothes, uniform, pay for clubs etc.

I hadn’t thought of the cost of having her brother, it’s a good point.

Perhaps your partner should apply for full custody of his daughter. Doesn't sound like her other parent is best placed to care for her.

@anothernotherone

DPs ex had an affair. Kicked DP out and was expecting the new man to move in. New man decided not to leave his wife and kids in the end. DP wanted to keep on seeing DSDs brother but ex DP said no.

Shitty circumstances for both DSD and her brother.

Once the mother is incarcerated it will be a lot easier for your husband to establish himself as resident parent. When the mother leaves prison you can then make an offer for visitation and she can then seek court action if she doesn't agree.

@garnierbbcream

I think he sounds as though he needs some specialist care, whether he has an undiagnosed condition or is just angry at his circumstances (understandable).

@contraceptionismyfriend

I don’t know what happens when someone goes to prison but I’m guessing she’ll probably lose her house (it’s housing association so maybe they’ll keep it available for her?) Will she get help re establishing herself when she gets out?

It sounds like taking in the boy would negatively impact all of you.

If you tried to take him in and it didn't work out where would he go?

I'd tell Ex that she needs to investigate alternative options for him.

Yes he's just a child, but he's not your responsibility and it sounds like his presence would not be good for your own DC or DSD. He's pretty much a stranger to all of you except DSD who is scared of him.

I would meet this child a few times before deciding he is unmanageable.

Your 2 year old is well supervised being a toddler so unlikely to be a risk of bullying.

There is no reason you couldn't try it then make other arrangements if it is too much.

If brother is in care it will effect dsd. If not while she is with you then after she returns home. She likely loves him and if he goes off the rails it will impact her too.

Yanbu to be unsure and it is a huge ask (and yanbu to say no) if it were me I would try my best. If it wasnt possible then fair enough.

Good luck tough situation.

Put older boy in the box room and have dsd and your youngest share.

This. Makes more sense to have the girls sharing what I assume is the bigger room. And agree now might be the time to discuss your DP being the RP for his DD.

It's not an easy decision for you but I think remaining with his sister is the best thing for this child. I think you need to meet the child, a 7 year old is not necessarily a reliable witness to how serious his bad behaviour is. How close is his relationship with his uncle? I think he should preferably be given a choice of staying with you or his uncle and wherever he lives you are going to be seeing him regularly for his sisters sake. Basically all the adults (you and DP, his ex and her DB) need to get together to talk through the best solution.

And he might have no undiagnosed problems, just a mainly absent father and a pseudo father figure (your DP) that then (from the child's viewpoint) 'abandoned' him.

@churchthecat
I had wondered this. If we took him in and he was really disruptive, could we phone social services and ask for him to be put into care? Wouldn’t that be worse for him then not taking him in the first place. If we do take him and he does anything to hurt DD then I would want him to leave.

It sounds like a terrible idea and I can't understand why anyone would think otherwise. I'm sorry but there is absolutely no way I'd take in a badly behaved 11 year old who bullies his sister. It's a shame he has no where to go but he's simply not your responsibility. There is no reason the children need to 'stay together' you can just facilitate contact if dsd wants it. You don't have the room and it could go on for years not months, you don't know what her sentence will be.
Your own child and dsd are your priority. Just say no, it's not appropriate and you don't have the space.

Why is what is best for the boy more important than what is best for everyone else?

From what OP has said I'm not sure I agree that it is best for DSD that he does come with her.