Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Taking in a child for 3 months?

183 replies

Ivy44 · 16/05/2019 13:19

It’s looking like DP’s ex might be going to prison for 3 months for fraud.

DP and I have 1 child and we’re currently trying for another. We also have DSD - DPs daughter with the ex that might be going to prison. Of course we have said that DSD will come and live with us if her mum goes to prison. She stays with us 2 nights a week anyway and we live quite close to her school and friends.

DPs ex has another child, an older boy, who is not DPs child. I’ve never met this child, DP never sees him anymore (DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other when she split with DP). From what we hear from DSD, the older boy is quite badly behaved. DPs ex has asked us to take the older boy as well, if she goes to prison, so that the children aren’t separated. I can see why she’s asking but I’m not comfortable about it all. I feel bad for the boy but don’t think he is our responsibility.

OP posts:
Cloudtree · 16/05/2019 14:55

@Ivy44 If that's the extent of his bad behaviour I don't think your toddler is in harms way. An 11 year old being disruptive in class and stealing petty cash from his sister isn't exactly a hardened felon.

I would agree, that's pretty much par for the course. He's eleven for goodness sake. It doesn't sound like there are many other options except potentially the uncle. There's a good chance he would want to stay with his sister and the person he always knew as his step dad (the OP's DH).

Some people are being incredibly harsh here. Clearly if it ends up being a long term thing then that's a bit different and his father needs to be involved but 12 weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 16/05/2019 15:01

I’m not sure how his father being involved would work. The boy would have to move to Slovenia which would disrupt his schooling.

My concern is that it could potentially be longer than 3 months. It’s not fair on DSD to have an 11 year old boy, soon to be 12 sleeping in her room with her for longer than 3 months. It’s a small room and she’s only just got enough room as it is. Not fair on DD to have to stay in our room for longer than three months either. If it goes on for a year (for example) then we could well have another baby by then. It’s not fair on me to put off trying for another child, given my age.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 16/05/2019 15:02

Has the boy always been disruptive ? How long since he had a relationship with your DH ?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General parenting
Foxmuffin · 16/05/2019 15:04

It would be kind and good for the siblings to stay together.

But I don’t think I would volunteer if he’s a difficult child.

PeachPotato · 16/05/2019 15:06

I would get his ex to ask her solicitor if you can speak at the sentencing hearing, saying you could temporarily house both siblings but wouldn’t be able to for longer than three months. Might have some sway on how long she is sentenced for.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 16/05/2019 15:06

It’s 4 years since DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other, just after they split up. I have been with DP for 3 years.

I know he was jealous of DSD and has pushed her etc on a fairly regular basis. The disruption at school and stealing of pocket money (£40 As she was saving up for something, so she now keeps her savings at our house) are fairly recent I think.

OP posts:
Chilver · 16/05/2019 15:08

I think you've made your mind up and are just trying to find justifiable reasons to not do it.

I would take them both in - this isn't their fault and they need stability. If you choose not to do it, you will need to think about how you facilitate regular contact between the siblings whilst they are apart. I think it's important that they have a relationship during their formative years, particularly if their lives are already so disrupted.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 16/05/2019 15:09

I think you should speak to DSD. In this situation my step-daughter Love one of their brothers and DP treated him as his own while he was in a relationship with his mother so he could come (although he is badly behaved). My DsD’s also have another brother who tehybdont like, they say he hurts them and he is considerably older. If they didn’t want him to come I wouldn’t do it x

WalterIris · 16/05/2019 15:09

I would probably try and keep them together if possible, for your dsd sake. She will loose her mother for 3+ months, to loose her brother also would be cruel if it didnt have to happen.

I would just move your 2 year old into your room for 3 months. If it goes on longer then you will have to consider bunk beds and the older 2 will have to share.

helpneededandadvice · 16/05/2019 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ as it was posted in the wrong place.

Littleduckeggblue · 16/05/2019 15:14

Personally I wouldn't allow it. You and your husband are not responsible for the boy.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 16/05/2019 15:14

If you slept with someone on the 15th and got a positive test on the 20th then I’d say it’s your partner who is the father.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/05/2019 15:17

It's a big mess and I feel for you and your family, OP Flowers

But, in your hearts of hearts, I think you know that taking him in would be the right thing to do. It's not fair and his mother has behaved appallingly, but this is a child we're talking about.

You and your DP can be the responsible adults and give him stability for the next few months. You'll need to set down ground rules on his behaviour and I'd insist that he spends some time with your DP before moving in. He could blossom in a stable family situation.

GarnierBBCream · 16/05/2019 15:17

I have a son like this who's the same age. He has ASD. I can barely stand him and he's my own child. There is zero way I'd take him in if I were you. None. You are under no obligation, bollocks to all the 'you have to', no, you don't. Your DSD might even want a break from him, my other daughter is leaving to go to my sister's in Summer for the very same reason.

Bibidy · 16/05/2019 15:23

This is really though. It feels so harsh on the boy not to take him in, but also it will be a big enough adjustment to have your DSD move in full-time, without also throwing an older boy you don't even know into the mix.

What's your DH's thoughts on the matter?

Is the prison thing definitely happening? Can you put off the decision until you find out whether it's likely to be a certainty?

I'm not sure what to suggest. I assume if you don't take him he'll end up going into foster care which would be awful, but equally you need to think of your own family.

Bibidy · 16/05/2019 15:23

*really tough

ReganSomerset · 16/05/2019 15:26

Hmm. It's a toughie, for me it'd hinge on what your step daughter wants, though I'd be leaning towards no, given that you'll likely put in loads of work and get to like the lad then never get to see him again.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/05/2019 15:28

I missed the bit about them sharing a room.
It would be a full no from me based on that.

UCOinanOCG · 16/05/2019 15:30

I don't think it is at all harsh to not commit to taking on the lad. He is a completely unknown quantity and you have no idea how long the sentence might be for. If he already has some behavioural issues, being separated from his DM is likely to compound these which would have an adverse effect on the younger children.

In all honestly she may not be given a sentence at all given the impact of it on her family. She is hardly a risk to society.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 16/05/2019 15:30

Honestly, you absolutely should take him. Even though it will be incredibly hard it is the right thing to do. He is an 11year old boy about to lose his mum Sad

Starlive23 · 16/05/2019 15:31

Sorry,but she should have thought of this boy and where he would end up while she was committing fraud!

OP I think it's very gracious of you to take the girl without hesitation but the boy is not your responsibility at all!

Original poster
Ivy44 · 16/05/2019 15:32

@garnierbbcream

Thanks. If he was a more pleasant kid then we would be less concerned about taking him. We have to think about the impact on DD, which a lot of posters don’t seem concerned about. DSD seems frightened of him and may not want to stay with him.

His mother’s brother may take him, at least he’s related to them. They live about half an hour away so we could ensure contact with DSD. DPs ex said she hasn’t asked them as she doesn’t think they have space for both kids (neither do we really, especially if it goes on longer than 3 months).

OP posts:
Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 16/05/2019 15:33

OP I think it's very gracious of you to take the girl without hesitation

For the little girl’s dad to care for her when her mum physically can’t...You think that somehow going above and beyond. Wow. No wonder so many children have so much heartbreak if something happens to their mum.

hsegfiugseskufh · 16/05/2019 15:33

op doesn't need a "justifiable reason" to say no, this child is not her partners responsibility and most definitely not hers. She has to prioritise the 2 children that they are responsible for.

I would feel for him, but I wouldn't house him for 3 months (possibly longer) no.

GarnierBBCream · 16/05/2019 15:35

He's not losing anyone, his mum's just going to jail for a few months Hmm. The level of guilt tripping and melodrama here is ridiculous.

My DD would jump at the chance to get a break from her brother, tbh. At any rate, you don't have room, you don't have headspace, he's not your responsibility and you don't want to.

So don't.

Swipe left for the next trending thread