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Original poster

Taking in a child for 3 months?

183 replies

Ivy44 · 16/05/2019 13:19

It’s looking like DP’s ex might be going to prison for 3 months for fraud.

DP and I have 1 child and we’re currently trying for another. We also have DSD - DPs daughter with the ex that might be going to prison. Of course we have said that DSD will come and live with us if her mum goes to prison. She stays with us 2 nights a week anyway and we live quite close to her school and friends.

DPs ex has another child, an older boy, who is not DPs child. I’ve never met this child, DP never sees him anymore (DPs ex stopped them from seeing each other when she split with DP). From what we hear from DSD, the older boy is quite badly behaved. DPs ex has asked us to take the older boy as well, if she goes to prison, so that the children aren’t separated. I can see why she’s asking but I’m not comfortable about it all. I feel bad for the boy but don’t think he is our responsibility.

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/05/2019 08:14

The OP doesn't know him. Her child doesn't know him. He has stolen and been aggressive to her step daughter. She owes him nothing.
He is a child. And deserves a safe home. The state should provide that. But not the OP.

Treesarered · 17/05/2019 08:16

It's not your responsibility OP so I wouldn't take him in either if you know it's going to affect your own family. The mother shouldn't of been stupid and committed a crime!

Cloudtree · 17/05/2019 08:22

The OP doesn't know him. Her child doesn't know him.

The OP's DH knows him and the OP's child is 2 and so doesn't know lots of people.

I don't know why I'm bothering anyway. The OP will clearly not be taking him. What a shame if in actual fact he was told off at school for flicking a rubber band or passing pokemon cards to his friends in assembly and the large amount of money he "stole" from a 7 year old was actually £2 from the tooth fairy (which has actually slipped down the back of her bedside cabinet)..

But hey lets judge him on the basis of what a 7 YO says being gospel without even meeting him.. [Hmm]

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Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/05/2019 08:31

The OPs DH knew his something like 4 years ago and hasn't seen him since. So no he doesn't know him.

doxxed · 17/05/2019 08:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/05/2019 08:53

I'm not sure what to suggest. I assume if you don't take him he'll end up going into foster care which would be awful

And confirm how he is the second class child in the family.

I wonder if the bad behaviour directed at dsd is because she is allowed to visit her father and he, I presume liked seeing ops Dp, his step father and then all of a sudden it was stopped and the mother is the one to blame for the behaviour.

I would welcome him with love and hope that you could all establish a more permanent contact.

This could be for only 6 weeks and might mean so much to this boy.

I am not saying it would be hard to begin with and a welcoming mother and father figure might make the world of difference to him.

I actually feel really sorry for this boy.

An absent father who plays happy families with his new wife and children played out on a screen. A mother who can’t keep herself out of prison because of sticky fingers. A step sister who gets to see the only father he can remember for a weekend away in a nice family but he isn’t allowed to go.

I would say no wonder he acts up.

Everyone hated him or left him so what is the difference if he does get angry and break things or steals things.

The love isn’t there in the first place. Everyone has left and everyone else hates him

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 17/05/2019 08:54

I think the risk is too great. I wouldn't. You have no responsibility to this boy and DSD is afraid of him. That would be enough for me to say no.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 17/05/2019 09:03

I think this is a really tough call. On one hand I agree that in theory it would be better to keep the half siblings together however if your DSD has any concerns about her older half brother then your priority is clearly her. But please make sure that she doesn't feel responsible if you don't take him in. Honestly I think his mother should contact his biological father and make some sort of arrangement. It won't be easy so good luck, @Ivy44 Thanks

Lumene · 17/05/2019 09:15

It’s not fair on DSD to have an 11 year old boy, soon to be 12 sleeping in her room with her for longer than 3 months.

Definitely wouldn’t make children share mixed sex rooms at this age. This wouldn’t be allowed if they were in care.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2019 10:19

In terms of him being jealous of his sister it could very well stem from the fact that he had the relationship with your DP taken off him yet his sister still gets to see her dad. Not your fault but this could be a great chance to rectify that and make him feel wanted.

...until convict mum is out again and stops the boy from seeing OP’s DP? Who has no parental rights/responsibilities as he’s not his father?

Original poster
Ivy44 · 17/05/2019 10:27

So many responses. Thanks, even if I don’t agree with all of them!

@oliversmumsarmy thanks for explaining how he might feel.

DP and I spoke last night and DP was actually going to have a conversation with his ex about DSD being frightened of her brother, before we found out about the potential prison sentence. Apparently there were signs of this when DP lived with them, although it seems to have got worse over the last few years.

DPs ex is not all a bad mother, she doesn’t drink or smoke, the kids are clean, tidy and fed. They get to school on time etc. She’s a hard worker, is working six days a week at the moment. She has got a lot of debt though, which is possibly why she has got involved in this credit card fraud. I don’t think she thinks through the consequences of her actions though, hence the affairs with married men, stopping DP from having contact with DSDs brother. The previous fraud was benefits fraud, but I don’t know if she got a criminal conviction for that - she had been working in a bar a couple of nights a week and hadn’t told the DWP about her extra income.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 17/05/2019 11:37

It's a hard one.

I think that the boy's preference should come into it. He may prefer the uncle rather than a stranger and someone who suddenly disappeared from his life. (I assume mum didn't tell him why)

Personally I disagree with the people who suggested that you could help turn things around with him. He's presumably been like this for years so 3 months won't permanently change things. He'll be going back to the environment that help create the way he's been behaving. Personally I'd be concerned with him bonding with you then never seeing you again. A temporary relationship could seem like a rejection later and could make him even angrier.

I think that lack of space is a legitimate reason to decline. I have a 12yo and he loves having his space to escape to.

Singlenotsingle · 17/05/2019 11:46

You're being very kind to welcome dsd into your family for the three months. It's too much to expect you to take the boy as well, especially if dsd is scared of him anyway. And you've got your own dc to think about. You can't take the risk.

klendraa · 17/05/2019 11:57

@singlenotsingle

That doesn’t constituent “ kind”in my option. DSD is just as much as her partners child as her child with him. It’s her family too ffs. What kind of stepparent and father wouldn’t let their child/stepchild live with them?

What would be kind is taking the boy. Which I fully understand may not be possible

sashh · 17/05/2019 12:18

I think you need advice from someone with specialist knowledge, children can act when things change and this is going to be a big change.

There is also the potential that with Brexit the mother might not be able to stay in the UK with a criminal record.

I would contact one of the charities that help families of prisoners.

I think it would then be sensible to create a plan with 'what if' options.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 17/05/2019 12:21

There are absolutely no issues with DSD coming to stay. We’re happy to have her, although appreciate it’s not under the best circumstances. It’s going to be difficult for DSD too and we don’t know how she will react.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivy44 · 17/05/2019 12:28

@sashh

I hadn’t even thought about the impact a criminal record would have on DPs ex staying in the UK. That would cause even more problems.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivy44 · 17/05/2019 12:55

Also, DP asked me if I would be ok with him applying for full residency for DSD, I said that would be absolutely fine with me, if that’s what he wants to do. I didn’t bring it up.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 17/05/2019 13:29

A 3 month sentence can be as short as 6 weeks in reality, with time off for good behaviour.

She won't lose her council house for a short sentence.

I think you can't make a proper decision until you have all of the facts.

ohforfoxsakenotagain · 17/05/2019 13:35

So your basing the boys behaviour on what you're being told by a 7 year old? That seems somewhat naive of you.

I understand your DP has no responsibility of this boy however he is your DSDs half sibling. The same as your DC.

You need to meet with the ex and the boy and make an informed decision and not take fact from a 7 year old.

elsabadogigante · 17/05/2019 13:42

You haven't met him. The MNers haven't met him but they'd be the first to take him in, turn things round, provide love and stability so why not all those who are guilt tripping the OP do the kind thing and find out if you're near her so you can take the boy in since their home is overcrowded and you can pay for it and facilitate his seeing his half-sister? Hmm

BlueMerchant · 17/05/2019 13:51

If DSD is indeed frightened of her brother then it should have been addressed before now as a separate issue, not only used as one of the reasons you don't want him living with you.
How long have you known?
Is she currently living 5 days with him in the family home?
What steps have you taken to address this issue?
If it's serious enough to pose as a negative for him moving in your home then surely you wouldn't be allowing dsd to return there after her visit to you?

ohforfoxsakenotagain · 17/05/2019 13:57

And also to add to that, your DP was happy enough to be in this boys life whilst he was with the mum. Yes she stopped him from seeing him but that's not the point.

Also, if as you say, the 7 year old is as scared of him as you say, why is he happy to let her continue living there and filing for custody?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 17/05/2019 14:15

He is not the same as the OPs own biological child.

Original poster
Ivy44 · 17/05/2019 14:18

DP was about to address the issue of DSD being scared of her brother, with their mother but then we got this news on Wednesday night.

Step parents can’t win on Mumsnet can they? If I had got involved, rather than leaving it for DP to do, then I’d have been accused of overstepping the mark because I should have left it for her actual parents to sort out.

OP posts: