5 year old is still in nappies, Am I failing as a dad?

[Downhillrider]

I'm still trying to get my head round this form so I apologise if this is the wrong place.

I am a single dad to 3 children ages 5, 8 and 12. (2 girls and 1 boy) I lost my wife 2 years ago.

I really don't know how to start this I feel embarrassed and that I'm failing my son! He's 5 years old and is in mainstream school, the school have been great with him and we are under assessment for EBD? and Autism. Ok so lets get onto the whole "why the hell is he still wearing nappies at 5 years old"

We tried potty training at the age of 3 not long before my wife became ill, but things didn't work so I went back to nappies, I tried again in a few months again he just wasn't getting it this went on for just over a year as I wanted to get him in underwear before starting school. I ended up taking him to the doctors to see if there was maybe a medical reason but nothing. I thought ok once he sees all the other kids using the toilet at school he might understand but I'm not having much luck!

I have tried not buying anymore nappies this just lead to many accidents, reward stickers he wasn't interested. Sitting him on the toilet but he will scream and get himself in such a state and ends up making himself sick.

So where do I go from here? He's in the last size nappies that I can buy so I really need to get him into underwear ASAP.

Maybe speak to your HV. If you child has autism then you will need specialist support with this. If your son is just not ready then there will be specialist nappies. nappies exist all the way into adult sizes but are referred to incontenance pads.

I'm sorry I've no advice but my friend has a son with autism and I know he wasn't out of nappies until he was 6. So I highly doubt you are failing as a dad, but I imagine you may need some more specialist help to help you with your son.

there are people that you can pay to help with potty training maybe theres ones with experience with special needs .Sometimes as parents we need help

OP sympathies for all you are having to deal with. I would just try to relax. I think there are children's books for potty training which you might try. If the school is coping, I would make it much less of a thing for you both and just check that the assessment goes along quickly by pushing for it, and ask your local chemist/provider what next size nappies your son can go to - or google online. Poor both of you. But if he lost his mum at 3 and on top of which has anything on the spectrum, this is possibly a cry to be back being a baby when everything seemed safe - or just a normal thing on the atypical spectrum. Don't chastise yourself, or him, and don't forget your girls.

Hi I just wanted to say please don’t ever feel you are failing. You’re doing your best and what an incredibly hard time you’ve been through as a family. Potty training is so hard at the best of times. If your son is on the spectrum this could mean you need to approach it differently to the normal
Guidance you’d find.

If it were me I would ask to see your health visitor. Book an appointment with her/him discuss all your concerns and I’m sure they will be able to give you the best approach and advise.

In terms of if you just want to try again. My little boy is 2. At 2.5 he knew when he needed a poop and always tell us but he didn’t understand it when he needed a wee. We kept trying and stopping because we didn’t want to set him back.
But he’s nearly 3 now so Saturday we took him shopping, let him choose pants and told him what would be happening. He isn’t a big fan of stickers anyway really I’ve done a jam jar of small milky buttons and he gets 1 button for every wee on the potty. I’ll do this until the novelty wears off. Some might judge me for using sugar but it has very much incentivised him and we give him lots of praise. If he has an accident we just say don’t worry Just try again next time we’re all learning. We’ve got a few books about potty training to read with him too. We ask him every 45 mins - hour if he needs a wee and just encourage him to sit on the potty. We’re on day 3 and he’s only had 1 accident today.

The last time we tried wasn’t long ago but it didn’t really work in nappies/ pull ups. My best advice is when you think it’s time to do it just put him straight in to pants. But I really would seek advice from your HV first

Best of luck

You sound like such a lovely dad. I have worked with autistic children and many of them were still in nappies as this age - you haven’t failed your son at all! I’m afraid I have no advise, perhaps he’s not ready quite yet xx

Your doing your best.

You’ve all been through the mill.

Does he watch you going to the toilet? Honestly mine only started going on the toilet when they seen me actually doing it. Do you ask him every 15 mins? Try and go back to basics.

No nappy. Up to the toilet every 15 mins to check if he needs a wee.

Good luck love and sorry for your loss

There is a special needs section on here. Many parents on the SEN board, have exactly the same problem. You are not alone

Maybe try posting there for advice?

My son has Autism, he was in nappies for much longer than usual.

www.autism.org.uk/about/health/toilet-training.aspx

Some tips here. Good luck

Have you been referred to the school nurse for support?

I agree with other posters that if your son is being assessed for ASD, then this may be a slower process for you.

There is an excellent website called "Eric" which may be useful.

Is it just poos your ds is struggling to do on the toilet, or both wees and poos?

Oh wow! I didn't expect for so many replies thank you!

He won't tell anyone when he's done a wee or poo although when he does a poo he will squat down so it makes feel think he know when he's going for a poo? but he won't tell me he's done one or ask to be changed. He's happy to stay in a dirty nappy.

I was thinking about trying to potty train again in the holidays but I really don't know where to start the toilet just freaks him out! He doesn't like being naked on the bottom half as well. Do I go with underwear or pull ups?
I will try a book I read to him each evening before bed.

We don't have a HV she hasn't bothered with use since he was 2

Hopefully I've answered everyones questions

This may be a daft question but have you got one of the training toilet seat inserts to make it easier to sit on the toilet? You can even get ones with steps up as well.

The ERIC website is a really good starting point for advice and for finding help. Is he verbal and does he understand what he's supposed to be doing wrt doing all his wees and poos in the toilet?

You can get nappies for older children, although not from high street shops.

Does your son have an ehcp? If not apply for one through the local council. This will start the ball rolling for help and support at school. As part of this - or alone- you can also contact your local continence team for help / assessment. You can get larger nappies / pull ups usually supplied through them if they agree there is a medical need (ie autism). You can also buy larger nappies and pull ups from amazon (Libero size 7 and so on, or tena slips).

I know it’s difficult but try not to stress. 5 is very young for any child with autism to be toilet trained. My son is nearly 7 with autism and learning disabilities and he’s only just got it in the last couple of months. I think everything just takes longer.

If he's school age it's not the hv you deal with. There might be a school nurse associated with the school or the gp can maybe refer to other services dealing with continence

You are not failing. Not a bit of it.

I was having a conversation with a colleague the other day about our DS1’s. Mine was not fully toilet trained until age 7. He is a September birthday, so managed to start school at almost 5 without nappies. But only just & with lots of accidents. And that only referred to wee. He would hold poo until he came home & have a nappy on.

Colleagues DS1 is approaching 5 and showing no signs of being ready to relinquish nappies!

My DS1 has been diagnosed with Aspergers, hers is currently being assessed but she is sure he is on the spectrum also.

We are nurses if that helps at all!

My DS1 is now 21, has 9 GCSEs & a full time job. I only add this because I remember that back when I had a 7 year old needing a nappy as soon as he came home from school I did, I admit, worry relentlessly about what his future might be.

Never think you are failing. You are acknowledging your child’s difficulties & actively seeking help for them. In no context is that failure .

I don't think he's ever done a wee or a poo on the toilet/potty! I have got a seat and step for the toilet and a potty chair.

he won't sit on them if he's naked but has sat on the potty in a nappy, the toilet he won't go near although I have tried this ends in screaming and him making himself sick.

The school have only got the ball rolling and I've got a few meeting coming up with the school. Things have been very slow

He's verbal but he does struggle with with communication with people his speech is delayed maybe speech is that off a 2/3 year old?

I cant help with potty training but you can easily buy bigger pullups online, eg Amazon.

Theres age 4-7 and 8-15 and they are good.

You sound lovely

Potty with tv on or a kindle etc?
I did find bottomless worked best but it doesnt sound like thats an option.
My dc has sensory issues i think so would then not want pants on. And would wake every day wanting a nappy on even if they were fine going. They are still having accudents at nursery at almost 4.
I found taking them every hour or so as too frequently was annoying to them.
You may need to let him have some accidents to then say 'that should have gone on toilet' whilst watching carefully for signs.
Hopefully the school nurses can give some advice.
Some kids are just undersensitive to discomfort.

The fact you are even here writing this message means you are not failing, OP.

Other posters have given great advice, it's ok to ask for help. Don't beat yourself up, just do your very best in your children's best interests. I've heard of some parents taking a week off work to focus solely on potty training, perhaps you could try something like that? Sorry I can't be of more use.

Best of luck with everything.

You do have a Health Visitor. Just because they haven't bothered with you doesn't mean you don't have one. But you also have a school nurse. Either can refer you to the incontinence clinic for nappies/pull ups.

It sounds like your DS has general delays as well, so you might want to consider applying for Disability Living Allowance for him? Pop over to the Special Needs section and chat things over.

Agree with pp that you would also get good advice on the SN board here.

We had similar with our ds (asd), the total fear of the toilet. I spent many weeks gradually working on firstly overcoming that phobia - spent time in the room just playing (eg water balloons on the taps, sticker books, etc). Then progressed to sitting on the loo (still in nappy). Then pooing in the nappy but sitting on the loo. Then loosening the nappy. Then removing nappy but putting it over the loo (like a net), then gradually lowering it to eventually removing it. Each step might take days to achieve. And at each step he mastered we'd massively reward him with a sweet/small toy/praise etc, and only move to the next step when he was totally comfortable and mastered the last one. Though he was toilet trained age 4 before school, he was still worried about using public loos when he started school, so his TA there did similar to help him overcome his anxiety about school loos there, just playing games in the actual room, while he sat on the loo (clothed with seat down to start) almost as a distraction technique, and to gradually make his desire to keep playing outweigh his fear of being in the room.

This might not be appropriate for you but just fwiw this is what we did.

Good luck, and hope you're getting support from school, it must be very hard for you

Thank you for all the support I really appreciate it! Really glad I was recommended this page.

I will try and find the special needs board as I’ve got a few more issues that I could get some advice on.

I’m thinking I might be pushing this getting him out off nappy’s after seeing I’m not alone. I’m just a little fed up with changing nappies everyday.

I put ping pong balls down the toilet with my little boy, wrote numbers on them , played a scoring system with him and his brother (older) and he loved it 😆

My son is 7 and is still in nappies he's autistic and don't think he'll be out of them any time soon.
Go to your go and ask for a referral to the continence nurse in your area. They will help you with toileting programmes. They will also help you get bigger nappies. And from 5 you can get four nappies a day on prescription so will help cut the cost down for you aswell. They come in a bulk order and you just purchase more if you run out. Hope this helps.

go=gp

www.eric.org.uk is an excellent source of advice. Good luck, your love and concern shine through your posts.