5 year old is still in nappies, Am I failing as a dad?

[Downhillrider]

I'm still trying to get my head round this form so I apologise if this is the wrong place.

I am a single dad to 3 children ages 5, 8 and 12. (2 girls and 1 boy) I lost my wife 2 years ago.

I really don't know how to start this I feel embarrassed and that I'm failing my son! He's 5 years old and is in mainstream school, the school have been great with him and we are under assessment for EBD? and Autism. Ok so lets get onto the whole "why the hell is he still wearing nappies at 5 years old"

We tried potty training at the age of 3 not long before my wife became ill, but things didn't work so I went back to nappies, I tried again in a few months again he just wasn't getting it this went on for just over a year as I wanted to get him in underwear before starting school. I ended up taking him to the doctors to see if there was maybe a medical reason but nothing. I thought ok once he sees all the other kids using the toilet at school he might understand but I'm not having much luck!

I have tried not buying anymore nappies this just lead to many accidents, reward stickers he wasn't interested. Sitting him on the toilet but he will scream and get himself in such a state and ends up making himself sick.

So where do I go from here? He's in the last size nappies that I can buy so I really need to get him into underwear ASAP.

Thank you! It's been a much better day today not to many accidents but he won't poo in the potty.

Also Sunday we go out to our local woods for the day come rain or shine lol and I've got the girls back tonight can we still go out? As I'm thinking about sticking with still training him and what would I do about school on Monday?

We kept using nappies for nap time and I would say we need nappies at nap time/bed time because you are still learning. We quickly dropped them at nap time after nursery did but she had been dry through nap time for months already at this point. If it was not for nursery dropping them at nap time I would have waited longer.

Make sure you have waterproof sheet and spare sheets for the day he refuses a nappy for sleep time without warning.

Don’t feel like you failed you haven’t.
I have a child with a disability. My child was 3 it took us 8 weeks and was very hard work but we got there. I literally took my child every 10 mins to the toilet. As advised by the incontinence nurse. Make sure the child is positioned correct and has a footstool (if like my child they suffer from constipation). We were advised to allow our child to take toys, tablets and even blow bubbles on the toilet. We got there, it’s not prefect tho my child is in school now and struggles to wipe but we’re still working on this and hand washing is a massive fight. I know it’s exhausting but my goal is to make my child as independent as possible. You sound like like a great dad don’t you forget it. I’m always happy to chat if want to. Good luck you got this.

Training for a wee & a poo should be looked at as separate issues as it were; kids can even be scared of what they see has emerged from their bodies!!
I could give you tonnes of examples of loads of ways different children handle & being dry & clean with respect to training....just focus on one thing at a time at the moment, even then it may well be one step forward & two back but even with that just keep going (hard I know but hang on in there).
With regards to the woods: see how today goes first; talk to your son & ask what he may like to do tomorrow in the morning perhaps; some parents use the pull-up pants to assist with training, would that be a 1/2 housed way to go for you?; perhaps put him in nappy tomobut keep asking if he needs a wee when out; make sure he tries for a wee before you go out e every single time;Indy’s is two days away .....see know today & tomorrow goes first....
You’re doing great as a parent....

I would suggest you contact your Gp or health visitor and ask to be referred to the continence nurse/ team, they will be able to advise on the best course of action. They will also reassure you that you are not the only one in this situation, and it is almost certainly possible to solve.

I think for now regular trips to the toilet, lots of fluids to help keep poos soft, and as someone else said blowing bubbles or windmills or trumpets etc (not you- the child) will help with poos.
Keep it positive and have plenty of spare pants/ knickers etc on stand by.
I had two tricky to train children and we got there eventually.

• Excuse sooo many typos! No time to proofread before posting, sorry!

Thank you! I try to avoid naps as much as I can but with him being up so early he was such a grumpy boy.

I'm still thinking about tomorrow we've had a few accident after a great morning but I want to put that down him being tired. He doesn't tell me when he needs a wee but a few time has taken hisself to the potty without being asked or if he's holding himself then I'm asking him if he needs a wee and he nods lol.

Sending you a big hug OP. I have twin boys (2.5) both with ASD, both non verbal, don’t understand words. I know there’s a very long way to go before they understand what a potty is for and want to use it, and being realistic I think it’s unlikely they’ll be out of nappies before starting school but I will certainly try if it’s feasible.

Much more pressing is getting you some support and getting him assessed for ASD. I am appalled you’ve had such little support from Health Visitors. Your GP practice should be able to give you the number for who covers your area, or your local children’s centre. In our area each HV team also has a paediatric nurse who can help with children like this. Sadly he’s too old for portage as they would have been a big help

You need to take things one tiny step at a time - things get more manageable with the right support in place.

Someone I know who’s son has ASD had good success by sitting their son on the potty every 20 mins with no expectations but lots of praise / rewards if they go.

A complete fail and I feel terrible! Trying to get some jobs done around the house and Finn was playing in his bedroom. Just kept popping my heard around the door to check on him. I went downstairs to grab the washing off the line and to stick some more on. Came back upstairs and could smell poo coming up the stairs to find Finn and wiped poo all over his carpet I did shout at him cleaned him up put a nappy on him and he's currently laying in my bed. Have given up for today! As all afternoon it's been terrible

I just want to say thank you for all the help and support! I now know I'm not alone. I will see the GP on Monday and see what she has to say. It's been such a shit evening! And I don't think my son is 100% ready come out off nappies any maybe I've just pushing things to hard on him for the sake off my self

I never had the challenges you are facing but I always potty trained on a week off so we could stay in as much as we needed. Good luck.

Not a fail and you shouldn’t feel terrible. It sounds like you had a really successful morning and a tough afternoon doesn’t cancel that out.

Potty training is a process and a big step for both of you and there will be ups and downs - every child will learn at their own pace and it may be weeks or even months before you feel you’ve really cracked it. But it sounds like there has been real progress in the last few days so I think it won’t be too long before the good days are outweighing the bad.

If you can persevere through the tough moments and stick to pants that’s great, but don’t focus too much on the setbacks. Tomorrow is a new day to start again. It’s great your son has been taking himself as well - can you maybe get some pull ups instead of nappies so that if you do find yourself at a point where cleaning up another accident feels too much again you can still encourage sitting on the potty whilst also having him in a pull-up?

You’re doing a great job, potty training is not easy and especially for a child with additional needs. Please try and hold onto that when it feels hard!

Good luck for tomorrow!

You are not failing .

You are doing a fabulous job .

Kids don’t come out of nappies for all sorts of reasons , autism is one, and sometimes the child suffers from anxiety etc .

It must have been very traumatic for you and your child and other children to lose your wife .

Do see a GP and seek health visitor support .

You are absolutely not failing as a father you are doing the job of two parents and hat off to you.

Nowadays even people who have have children with no issues allow the pre - school nurseries to potty train their children rather than having the hassle themselves .

You cannot develop super powers and fix everything .. you are doing a great job .

I know of a child with autism who came out of nappies after developing a keen interest with nice bathrooms and toilets after going on holiday and staying in a fancy hotel suite with several toilets :

You just don’t know what will work .. keep trying and you will get there

Thank you! I may give pull ups and just let him lead the way. After going back to nappies he wasn't bothered about using the potty thought

I haven't read the full thread but I have read all your updates OP.

I don't have tons of experience with autistic children, but I do work in early years so have seen many children go through toilet training.
My opinion generally is that pull ups confuse children. If it feels like a nappy, why wouldn't they wee in it? I know some parents have put them on over a pair of pants for short periods of time (e.g. getting the bus), so there's no mess but child can still feel they had an accident.

There's a child at work at the moment who comes in a nappy one day and then pants another. He doesn't know what's going on, we can't keep up so how is he supposed to!
If tomorrow goes as well as the last couple of days and school are supportive I'd keep at it. Especially if he doesn't tend to poo there anyway.

The poo smearing- it really isn't unusual! And seems to be a sensory thing- just trying to get it off of themselves. It's not him trying to be naughty, but it is still ok to teach him that's it's not ok to do!

Finally, the parents on the playground are ten times worse than the kids! Take no notice. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job!

Don’t give up . You are important . If you find it stressful take a step back and use the pull ups etc .

Forget what the world thinks .

You need to keep yourself happy and energetic for the kids , if there is a day when you want the pull ups , use the pull ups .

And everyone here ( I’m sure ) thinks you are doing bloody fabulously . Don’t even let your own mind convince you otherwise...x

Thank you! It's just been such a shit evening also had my 12 year old daughter shouting and hitting me this evening as I wouldn't let her go out. I guess tomorrow is a new day and fresh start for us all.

Hi op I don’t have any advice, just to say you are doing a fab job. It must be tough raising three children on your own. I go out of my mind when my husband works away and I only have 2
Give it another day and if you feel he’s not ready you can try again in a few months

Exactly .

One day , when your kids have children of their own they are going to think about what you did for them on your own .

Remember that you and your children have been through a tough time and don’t feel afraid to seek help from your GP when you need it , whether it is a charity or another healthcare organisation , get all the uppity you can .

An acquaintance lost his dad when he was very young and he raised funds for a charity called Winstons Wish ,who he believed made a huge difference to his life as a bereaved child.

You may wish to contact them though I have no personal experience or knowledge of this charity .

www.winstonswish.org

Not uppity , support !!

I did post earlier but it's a busy thread so you may not have seen it . My son ( with sn ) cracked wee fairly early and from year one was in pants at school but poo took way longer . He was even dry at night at 5 but I only got the poo sorted at about 7. He would ask for a nappy to poo in and would never poo or sit on the toilet to try ..
I wouldn't see it as a failure if you can get wee under control and just use the nappy to poo in . I managed to get him from wearing the nappy around the house to poo at his leisure to sitting on the toilet and doing it on demand .. then eventually it just happened , one day he got on the toilet and forgot he didn't have the nappy on while he went .. we have never looked back ...
it's painful, stressful , tedious and annoying but I did it and I'm so glad I did . A life without nappies is so much easier ! Good luck .. and get that referral to the continence nurse . You are doing a great job !!

Thank you.

Sadly he doesn't tell me he needs a poo he can say the word poo! So that's isn't a issue although since being in underwear apart from the first poo he's hide and does it in his underwear so that's what is making it frustrating as he knows he's need/done a poo

We are giving underwear another go today as he choose them over a nappy this morning but my only worry is we are going out with friends later today. So I'm stuck with putting a pull up on him and hoping he doesn't treat them like a nappy or taking a suitcase off change off clothes lol

It does sound to be like he isn't ready yet. If you crack the wee though later on I would still get him out if nappies and let him poo in his pants / nappy . I know it's a pain carrying lots of spares with you but it will work eventually I promise .. I thought I would never train my son and it took 4/5 years but we did it in the end .

Maybe he needs privacy. Can you put the potty in a tent for him?