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Original poster

5 year old is still in nappies, Am I failing as a dad?

193 replies

Downhillrider · 05/03/2019 20:35

I'm still trying to get my head round this form so I apologise if this is the wrong place.

I am a single dad to 3 children ages 5, 8 and 12. (2 girls and 1 boy) I lost my wife 2 years ago.

I really don't know how to start this I feel embarrassed and that I'm failing my son! He's 5 years old and is in mainstream school, the school have been great with him and we are under assessment for EBD? and Autism. Ok so lets get onto the whole "why the hell is he still wearing nappies at 5 years old"

We tried potty training at the age of 3 not long before my wife became ill, but things didn't work so I went back to nappies, I tried again in a few months again he just wasn't getting it this went on for just over a year as I wanted to get him in underwear before starting school. I ended up taking him to the doctors to see if there was maybe a medical reason but nothing. I thought ok once he sees all the other kids using the toilet at school he might understand but I'm not having much luck!

I have tried not buying anymore nappies this just lead to many accidents, reward stickers he wasn't interested. Sitting him on the toilet but he will scream and get himself in such a state and ends up making himself sick.

So where do I go from here? He's in the last size nappies that I can buy so I really need to get him into underwear ASAP.

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Original poster
Downhillrider · 11/03/2019 18:10

He can follow instructions like asking I'm to get something if he wants to do it!

Behaviour I don't want to say is bad but he's got a temper on him, if you tell him off he will just laugh at you.

Communication is getting better it's still like that off a younger child sometime you can't understand what he's trying to say I want to say he can at least put a 4 - 5 word sentence together. He's got his own TA at school which she's with him all the time.

He struggles with dressing and undressing hisself, feeding he'd fed hisself when he wants to but he won't touch sod foods

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas11 · 11/03/2019 18:15

He sounds like he could do with speech and language, occupational therapy and behaviour support. Unfortunately it’s not like you can wave a magic wand but this would greatly help him - have you ehcp plan / any help?

A TA isn’t going to be able to tackle these issues from a professional perspective.

If I were you and you have some money, I’d get a behavioural Psychologist or BCBA even for one consulting session, to give you and the school advice. And a very good SLT.

AuntMarch · 11/03/2019 20:45

School update
Actually he did really good at school with one accident and that was on the way to the toilet from playing outside. Sadly they had a incident when he was told off for hitting another child and that after he stood and wet hisself telling the TA he's weeing blush I'm not happy about that

Neither of these are that unusual! And certainly not limited to children with other needs. The first, it's quite a distance to get to the toilet from outside - especially when you are so busy you don't realise straight away that you need to go.
The second- it's distracting attention from the incident you're being told off for. Such a big deal is made when toilet training that children know it wont be ignored!

Unfortunate what happened in the car, great he could tell you though, hopefully he'll gradually recognise with a bit more warning time!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds Families General parenting Potty training
LilQueenie · 11/03/2019 20:55

I don't think you are failing. DD was not dry overnight till around 5/6yrs. I felt awful so I can understand how you may be feeling. In the meantime I would switch to pull ups. They can go up to 8-15 years. All the supermarkets, superdrug and boots have them.

EvaHarknessRose · 11/03/2019 21:12

He is doing really well, new routines are hard but he will get there.

Original poster
Downhillrider · 11/03/2019 21:15

I guess I'd expect him wetting hisself when I tell him off? How would I deal with that?

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AuntMarch · 12/03/2019 19:22

Obviously I don't know your child, and the way I would respond would depend on the individual but my instinct would be to change him without talking about it or making eye contact, not letting it distract from whatever I just said to him. (I wouldn't make him change himself, that's too much attention and means wetting himself served its purpose!)

Original poster
Downhillrider · 12/03/2019 21:02

Thank you!

I won't bore you with anymore updates but I may need some more advice later on I'd see if it carries on

OP posts:
Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 12:37

I was going to wait till the end off the week to ask this but it's happen again

This is the second day it's happen. I've been called to collect my son for pooing hisself as they are unable to clean them up. This is the first time he's poo in school so never had a problem when he was in nappies

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 13/03/2019 12:45

I wouldn’t collect him. Just go with a change of clothes and wipes and ask to a space to clean him up in school. You don’t want him to learn that if he has a poo he can come home.

Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 13:13

I will ask them tomorrow just a bit pissed off as they have left him in dirty pants for a good 45 mins to a hour are they not allowed to clean them up at all? They change him when he's wet hisself

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AssassinatedBeauty · 13/03/2019 13:51

The ERIC website has a useful section about schools

www.eric.org.uk/help-at-school-faqs

I would maybe read that through and take some print outs with you to the school to talk through with them.

From my understanding the school shouldn't be calling you in to deal with accidents.

Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 15:51

Thank you I had a look at the site. I want to say I had a nice chat with the teacher when I went to pick up my daughter but I've now been banned from the school! After trying to tell her that I shouldn't be called into collect him. Just waiting for the headteacher to ring me!!

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 13/03/2019 16:43

Ah. That's not great. I hope you are able to explain what you want to explain to the head and hopefully sort out the banning issue.

Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 17:01

Do they have to be "trained" in dealing with this? She said the TA wasn't trained in cleaning a child up

OP posts:
Spiderbanana · 13/03/2019 17:10

Some schools are unwilling to help with toileting. At my DS's school a girl broke her hip and was in a wheelchair and nappies whilst it healed. The school made her mum coming in and changing her as a condition of he daughter attending school.

I really echo the recommendations for the Eric website. Immediately, you will see you are not alone and there are lots of information sheets you can download as well as support products.

My DS has no SN but was wet every night until he was 8. Your little boy has been through a lot, as have you and it isn't surprising he is struggling to adjust.

Be kind to yourself OP, you are doing great x

Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 18:32

Off the phone from the head teacher! I have a big meeting tomorrow. I just feel like giving my kids up she made out I was in the wrong! It started with

Harry you’re behaviour was unacceptable toward Miss ** hello I’m 30 not 3! Shes very upset. We phone you as Finn had a accident and a upset tummy and we didn’t have the right staff to deal with Finn. I do feel that Finn isn’t really ready to come out off nappies. Blab blab blab as for the children tomorrow I shall meet you at the front gates.

He didn’t have a upset tummy as he’s been fine all day he is still wetting hisself daily but has improved from day 1! So I just give up to make the school happy?

I will just add that all the other children had gone home, I didn’t lose my temper with her. Ok I may have raised my voice and sworn a few times but wouldn’t you?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 13/03/2019 18:41

Tbh, no I wouldn't have raised my voice and I wouldn't have sworn at the teacher. They don't deserve to be treated like that. It might be worth considering making a formal written apology to the teacher for that, in order to try and mend the relationship with the class teacher.

You will have to find a way of talking to the staff at school without losing your rag. It's better to walk away for a short while and regain your composure.

I wouldn't stop trying to train him. Whenever you do it, there will be accidents and issues. Even full trained children can have unexpected accidents having been fine for months. Have a careful read of the Eric site and maybe put together some bullet points on paper that you want the school to address. If they don't agree and don't want to do what you think they should, then you may need to follow through with a complaint.

Jackshouse · 13/03/2019 18:45

Raising your voice and swearing is losing your temper and it’s not acceptable. PP suggestion of writing a formal letter is a good one.

Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 18:57

I don't see it as loosing my temper but ok and the swearing was said in the conversation it wasn't directed at her I can't see what's wrong with that

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 13/03/2019 18:59

Swearing isn't appropriate when you're in a school environment and dealing with professionals. It comes across as aggressive and confrontational.

AuntMarch · 13/03/2019 20:06

If you said something about cleaning up shit, I'd have cringed but let it go. If you told me it was a fucking ridiculous policy, I'd expect one of the leadership team to address it. So it very much depends.

I don't personally think it's ok for a school to leave a child dirty and it would never knowingly happen where I work but I honestly don't know if that's the norm. All of their policies should be accessible to parents though.

I agree, apologise to the teacher.

The head saying he is not ready to move out of nappies though is somewhat irrelevant if they wouldn't have changed that anyway though.

Original poster
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 20:26

I can't even remember what I said but after having a think ok I was in the wrong and shouldn't have sworn at her.

The thing is when he was in nappies he wouldn't poo in school but the moment he was out and in the car he would poo. Since being in underwear he's done one poo in the toilet the rest he's done in his pants is he doing it for attentions? He knows he needs a poo or has done a poo

OP posts:
Downhillrider · 13/03/2019 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn.

AssassinatedBeauty · 13/03/2019 23:00

I would report your own post and get the picture removed as you've put your full name visible at the bottom. Threads from MN do end up in the Daily Mail website and similar, just to warn you.

Having said that, your letter is fine. Don't worry about your handwriting, it's legible and perfectly neat enough.