5 year old is still in nappies, Am I failing as a dad?

[Downhillrider]

I'm still trying to get my head round this form so I apologise if this is the wrong place.

I am a single dad to 3 children ages 5, 8 and 12. (2 girls and 1 boy) I lost my wife 2 years ago.

I really don't know how to start this I feel embarrassed and that I'm failing my son! He's 5 years old and is in mainstream school, the school have been great with him and we are under assessment for EBD? and Autism. Ok so lets get onto the whole "why the hell is he still wearing nappies at 5 years old"

We tried potty training at the age of 3 not long before my wife became ill, but things didn't work so I went back to nappies, I tried again in a few months again he just wasn't getting it this went on for just over a year as I wanted to get him in underwear before starting school. I ended up taking him to the doctors to see if there was maybe a medical reason but nothing. I thought ok once he sees all the other kids using the toilet at school he might understand but I'm not having much luck!

I have tried not buying anymore nappies this just lead to many accidents, reward stickers he wasn't interested. Sitting him on the toilet but he will scream and get himself in such a state and ends up making himself sick.

So where do I go from here? He's in the last size nappies that I can buy so I really need to get him into underwear ASAP.

DS1 was not fully toilet trained until he was 7. He also has ASD although he is Very high functioning.
We tried
Smiley face ball thing in the toilet
Reward charts
Taking him every 10 minutes
Not talking about it at all and just letting him wet himself
‘Dry like me’ pads in pants
A wobl watch that was set for certain times to vibrate to remind him to go to the toilet (we loaded with school and they let us know the best times in between lessons/breaks etc)
Making him change his clothes and put them in the washing machine (in the hope that all the incomviemce would put him off - would be easier to just go to the loo)

Anyway as part of his ASD diagnosis his consultant at the children’s centre discovered he had poor core muscle tone so he had physio which gave us core strengthening exercises to do at home and he also had a course of hydrotherapy in the pool at the centre. This seemed to really help
(Along with him getting older I suppose) wobl watch also helped as it gave him back the control, he wasn’t constantly being pestered by adults to go to the toilet which didnt suit his nature.

DD who is 18 months later on the thier hand was fully toilet trained at 18 months and only took a week (we didn’t start training with her but we were trying everything with DS1 and she just wanted to join in!! Made he feel better that it wasn’t just crap parenting!

My son wasn't keen on bare bottom either, but we tried no nappy with loose trousers, which helped break the cycle of going in nappy. A few accidents help them realise they get wet without a nappy.

I personally didn't use bribes, stickers or chocolate as he just doesn't get incentives.

Another poster said too, but I found asking too much is annoying to them. You can get potty watches they have a timer and then it's time to try. I didn't use this but just an idea.

My son has special needs and didn't toilet train properly until he was 7 . It was very very painful and challenging but I was determined to do it .. I do not work and have time and effort as only have one older child .
It must be very hard for you so don't beat yourself up about it .. one thing I would say is have you been referred to the continence service . I had a lot of help from them and lots of tips and support . Ask your gp for a referral or possibly the school?

Thank you for all the great replies I have made another appointment to the doctor and I will be asking for help.

Just a question question with though child still in nappies how do you change them in public? I try to avoid going out! How ever we do have a large changing table at our local woods which is great!

Also now I’m not alone how do you take your children swimming, what do they wear? The girls would love to go but I can’t have my son pooping in the pool

I'm glad you've got a drs appointment. My 5yo DD is in nappies, she had autism and is non verbal, she doesn't have the understanding or communication yet to toilet train. Luckily my DD still fits into size 6 nappies but we have a referral for the incontinence nurse as they can supply bigger nappies/pads up to adult size. I'm not sure about swimming nappies though that's something I need to look into as my DD does swimming every week at school and she's in the biggest size of swim nappies.

Definitely check out the Sen boards.

You can get special needs nappies that ho up to adult and are washable .. I already put my sons swimming shorts over the top to not bring attention to it

I terms of changing in public I used to change him standing up .. so in a disabled loo or even the normal cubicles .

www.splashabout.com/splash-shorts-adult-black.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIsOn4rcLt4AIVzZ3tCh3WXwywEAQYDSABEgJFRPD_BwE
This sort of thing but you can get loads of different styles ..
have you considered applying for dla or an EHCp if the school thinks he may need one ?

My autistic son knew when he needed a wee or poo but he screamed if we tried putting him on the toilet. I think the unknown of it scared him.

I made him this visual board (I’ve attached the picture) and talked him through it. Each step has a tick that you can flip down when he’s completed the step. I had a chocolate surprise egg sat on the window sill in the toilet and he knew that if he completed all the steps on the board then he’d get the egg. I let him play with the visual board for a while so he understood the steps and it wasn’t so unknown and scary.

Then one day, I pretended we had run out of nappies and kept him naked and then when I could tell be just need a wee (or if he crouches like he looks like he needs a poo) i just casually said “oh well, we’ll just have to use the toilet and get your surprise egg”. We took it slow and followed each step on the board and he did it! No fear or screaming.

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Doctor appointment didn't go as I planned it to go! I told her the problems and that I've been told I can get some bigger nappies for Finn but as I haven't "bothered" with trying to get him out off nappies for nearly 7 months that I will need to give it another go before she can do anything! Also as he doesn't poo at school that he's has bowel control, but he poo the moment he's out the school gate. So I'm now at a loss off what to do now

I would have a gentle go at training again at a weekend, without making a big deal of it. Keep a diary of how many accidents he has and whether he had a go on a potty/toilet during the time. Is there any chance your girls could stay with family/friends for a weekend to let you concentrate on this?

Then go back to the GP with your diary and ask if that's enough evidence. I can't believe the comment about being able to hold it at school. Just because he can control it, doesn't mean he will be able to just instantly sit on the loo and get it right. His autism is a factor here which the GP seems to be ignoring.

Thank you, yes I can send the girls to their nans for the weekend.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous about doing a whole weekend without a nappy during the day! He does wee loads.

If he hates the toilet how about one of these ?

rover.ebay.com/rover/0/0/0?mpre=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ebay.co.uk%2Fulk%2Fitm%2F123023986607

At least until he gets (if he can ) into the habit of it.

As for swimming and poo ,keep a diary of his poo times (should be fairly regular) and go outside those times or just after he had a poo with a swim nappy on too just in case.

I'm sorry GP visit didn't go well, but give it another go, with no pressure,again keep a diary and then go back. It's likely they will try to fob you off,just try again and again and again.

There are many things you can try, but at the end of the day he needs to be ready for it.

When out and about use the disabled toilets and change him standing up.

I'm sure you'll have probably thought of these things, but when we were toilet training I put those large absorbent sheets that you use on beds (either maternity ones or puppy training ones!) on the sofa/chairs under washable throws or under washable cushion covers. Fortunately we had hard floors, but you could put plastic carpet protector down on high traffic areas if you have carpet. I also kept the floor as tidy as possible for easy clean ups or for rapid dashes to the loo. I would also stay in the house, or just do very local short trips on foot.

Then just be very relaxed about it (easier said than done of course) and just see how it goes.

Thank you I have ordered one! Anyone is worth ago

Poo is a mix as he can go 2 to 4 times a day I have found some swimming shorts with a built in nappy so I'm going to give them ago. I don't think he would poo while in the pool but I couldn't take that risk.

I will need to practice changing him standing him up lol

Basically the same as puppy training !

Depending on how hectic mornings are you could practice as you get him ready for school? Would pull ups be better maybe? Even if they require taking everything off.

There are many issues at play here ..sensory issues,losing his mum, ASD and even his age(some kids are just not ready).

As long as you keep trying(even if it's just different incontinence resources rather than actual potty training) you have not failed.

Lucky we have wooden flooring downstairs so that should be ok! I will cover his chair. Do I stick with just underwear or underwear and trousers or maybe just trousers? He won't go naked, do I use a potty in the same room as him or try and keep them in one off the bathrooms? Do I put him on the potty/toilet if he's mid way though going? I have so much going through my head right now.

I have used pull up in the past but I found they didn't hold much. I have tried getting him to sit on the potty or toilet before a bath but he just freaks out! He will sit on the potty if he's got a nappy on though.

I would put a suitably sized potty in the main room he's in, leave it there all the time to help get him used to the idea. I would also go with comfy trousers with an elastic waist, like joggers or pyjama bottoms and no pants or pull ups. Have plenty clean and spare so changes are no bother.

If you catch him mid wee, I wouldn't try to get him on the potty as it might upset him. Just repeat that next time he can try to get to the potty/toilet before he starts.

Have you looked at the ERIC website. (Not sure if it has already been mentioned). I would also ask for a referral to the specialist continence nurse - we went through the school nurse - so might be worth asking school to bake the referral. I

www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-Bjorn-55125-BABYBJ%C3%96RN-Potty/dp/B005LFLMGA?tag=mumsnetforum-21 He's got this potty but I'm more than happy to give others a try! He is small and skinny.

I have been looking at the ERIC website and a few others. I will try speaking to the school and see what they can do but they don't seam to fussed with him still being in nappies and he has a support teacher

Hello! Apologies if this has been mentioned but speak to your school nurse and ask for a referral to the continence service there should be a continence specialist nurse especially for children - there is where I work anyway. You are doing a great job x

I would use trousers but no pants for your trial weekend. Pants might feel like a nappy so he won’t mind just pooing in those. No pants will have more consequences so he’ll hopefully realise something is different