5 year old is still in nappies, Am I failing as a dad?

[Downhillrider]

I'm still trying to get my head round this form so I apologise if this is the wrong place.

I am a single dad to 3 children ages 5, 8 and 12. (2 girls and 1 boy) I lost my wife 2 years ago.

I really don't know how to start this I feel embarrassed and that I'm failing my son! He's 5 years old and is in mainstream school, the school have been great with him and we are under assessment for EBD? and Autism. Ok so lets get onto the whole "why the hell is he still wearing nappies at 5 years old"

We tried potty training at the age of 3 not long before my wife became ill, but things didn't work so I went back to nappies, I tried again in a few months again he just wasn't getting it this went on for just over a year as I wanted to get him in underwear before starting school. I ended up taking him to the doctors to see if there was maybe a medical reason but nothing. I thought ok once he sees all the other kids using the toilet at school he might understand but I'm not having much luck!

I have tried not buying anymore nappies this just lead to many accidents, reward stickers he wasn't interested. Sitting him on the toilet but he will scream and get himself in such a state and ends up making himself sick.

So where do I go from here? He's in the last size nappies that I can buy so I really need to get him into underwear ASAP.

Sorry for all the posts! Trying to log everything ready to show this doctors is this correct? At this rate I don’t think 10 pairs off underwear will be enough lol

7:30 - underwear on

8:00 to 9:00 - school run with the girls kept him in underwear and jogging bottoms no accidents but showing signs off needing a wee.

9:00 to 10.00 - still showing signs off needing the toilet kept asking if he needed a wee and gave him a choice off the toilet or potty. Tried the potty with standing up but he wouldn’t relax tried talking and using the tv to distract him. Got him to sit on the potty still not wee’d.
Ended up wetting hisself.

10:00 to 11:00
3 little wee’s in underwear

That’s great he’s learning to hold his bladder - that’s a really good start.

I’m having such a dreadful day gone through 10 pairs off boxers most he’s just wee’d a little bit in and 3 pairs off trousers. He hasn't gone in the potty or toilet yet! Feel like giving up right now

No, don't give up! It will just click at some point. Now you've started you might as well persevere (even if the bloody washing machine is on constantly).

Keep bribing him (you need a bumper pack of ice pops )

at this rate he will have nothing to wear I haven’t even bother to start the washing machine going! I’ve still got 5 hours off this :( I’ve been giving I’m plenty to drink

Try him naked from the waist down and as soon as he starts to wee pick him up and put him on the potty and say we wee in the potty now.

Have you put the washer on yet? Good luck for tomorrow! Another day!

Today update I have added a few questions at the end and I think we may have got somewhere and I’m sure as hell wouldn’t off kept going this long I would off given up after the first few accidents. Sorry it’s turned into a really long message.

7:30
underwear on

8:00 to 9:00
school run with the girls kept him in underwear and jogging bottoms no accidents but showing signs off needing a wee.

9:00 to 10.00
still showing signs off needing the toilet kept asking if he needed a wee and gave him a choice off the toilet or potty. Tried the potty with standing up but he wouldn’t relax tried talking and using the tv to distract him. Got him to sit on the potty still not wee’d.
Ended up wetting hisself.

10:00 to 11:00
4 little wee’s in underwear
1 big wee in underwear

11:00 to 12:00
Sat on the potty but didn’t do anything.
4 small wee’s in underwear
1 big wee’s in underwear

12:00 to 1:00
1 little wee in underwear
1 big wee in underwear

1:00 to 2:00
1 little wee in underwear and sat potty but didn’t do anything ran out off boxers and pj bottoms

2:00 to 3:00
Put pants and jeans on )he wanted jeans on)
Showing signs off trying to poo, managed to get him to sit on the potty he sat for a good 5 mins didn’t poo but did do a big wee loads off praise and he was excited!
He sat hisself on the potty trying to poo starting going but jumped up and poo’d on the floor a few tears but not a major freak out.

3:00 to 4:00
No accidents and no using the potty.

4:00 to 5:00
Asked him to try for a wee which he did a little wee again lots off praise. Risked a quick trip to the shops to grab a few bit no accidents.

5:00 to 6:00
Little wee in underwear but pointed to them, took him to the potty and he did a big wee.

6:00 to 7:00
he poo’d his underwear and hide from me just before bath time a battle to change him! After bath time I left him naked told him we didn’t have anymore underwear left but he must go on the potty if he needs a wee! Got him to help hang his clean underwear and clothes up.
No more wee’s. Pj’s and nappy I’m ready for bed.

He did drink a lot off juice today should I cut drinks down? Just felt like he didn’t shop weeing lol

Most little wee’s was a few dribbles could off maybe just kept them underwear on?

Doesn’t tell me he needs the toilet but was holding himself a lot today, should i then be asking him if he needs a wee?

Should I be taking off the wet underwear or encourage him to do it hisself? He does have trouble getting his clothes on and off hisself.

That all sounds really positive, I think you've done a great job with it all.

If he's holding himself a lot, then take him to try for a wee. Ask him if he needs a wee, if he says no, then say it's time to try for a wee anyway.

For now, I would help him take any wet underwear off, just to make it easier to deal with.

Good luck tomorrow!

Hi Downhill.

I just wanted to say my DD1 is 4.5 and has autism and is still in nappies despite 2 years of trying. It's common for children with autism to be late at potty training, and it's hard when they have communication impairments, so I think you are doing a great job.

No. You're 100% not.

The school could assist with a referral to the school nurse who takes over the role of a HV once children start school (at least that’s how it works where I live!).
If it doesn’t come under the umbrella for the School Nurse they should know where to access further advise etc from, additionally ask the SENCO at the school if they can offer advice or access to relevant support.
Good luck, & you’re doing a great job [smile

Thank you! I have a little bit more hope for a better day tomorrow.

Feet up and a few beers is needed after this is done I think

Just another thought.....why not take him to the toilet with you when you go & ask him if he’d like to try too? See if he’d prefer to do one standing up just like his Dad does

Enjoy the beer

No advice as my DD is only 9 months. Just support, the very fact you are asking advice shows you care and you are not failing! I'm a secondary school teacher and I teach kids age 11/12 who still have toilet issues. Is often linked to emotional issues....but I'm not saying that it's the same for you son. Be kind to yourself, be supportive to your son, don't let it become a big problem that upsets you and your son. You are getting help and sound like you are on top of it. Lots of hugs from a fellow lone parent x

Hi DownhillRider - another voice of support here. My very articulate 5yo with ASD is still in pull-ups after lots and lots of attempts at toilet training and it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I agree that ERIC are great and asking for a paeds referral through your GP is well worth it. Sending my best wishes to you and your family.

I did try getting him to stand this morning but he just froze up but he is ok with sitting on the potty it would be nice for him to use the toilet!

Ah you are very brave teaching 11/12 year olds. I've got a 12 year old daughter who's attitude is terrible lately! Think she knows it all. I'm dreading the next few years

I was in pull ups at night until I was 9! No rhyme or reason for it. I guess I just took longer to learn, my mum also took me to the doctors, I was all clear but he did say i could just have a weaker bladder.

It Sounds gross but my ds wouldn't relax to wee standing up on a toilet ( also ASD has sensory issues didn't like the splash etc) we let him wee in a flower bed a few times so he relaxed and let the flow go...

No. You are not failing as a Dad. There are bigger nappies as there are children and adults with various reasons for needing them. You may need to talk to your GP/pharmacy to find out where to get them. You are a superhero.

Finn decides that 4am was morning time he hasn't done this for months :( so I'd be putting him down for a nap do I put a nappy on him?

So far we've had a brilliant morning with no accidents and 3 big wee's on the potty! First one was when he had woken up he took his nappy off and went and sat on the potty.

Personally I still wound for nap time as daytime dryness is completely different from nap/nighttime dryness, deal with that once you feel there is a definite & continual dryness in the daytime as they are two separate issues. Good luck

Would* ....typo !!!

I don't think you're failing as a dad at all. It sounds like you have a huge amount on your hands
Have you thought about asking to be referred to your local continence service? They deal with children as well as adults and will be able to give you lots of specialised support and advice.