5 year old is still in nappies, Am I failing as a dad?

[Downhillrider]

I'm still trying to get my head round this form so I apologise if this is the wrong place.

I am a single dad to 3 children ages 5, 8 and 12. (2 girls and 1 boy) I lost my wife 2 years ago.

I really don't know how to start this I feel embarrassed and that I'm failing my son! He's 5 years old and is in mainstream school, the school have been great with him and we are under assessment for EBD? and Autism. Ok so lets get onto the whole "why the hell is he still wearing nappies at 5 years old"

We tried potty training at the age of 3 not long before my wife became ill, but things didn't work so I went back to nappies, I tried again in a few months again he just wasn't getting it this went on for just over a year as I wanted to get him in underwear before starting school. I ended up taking him to the doctors to see if there was maybe a medical reason but nothing. I thought ok once he sees all the other kids using the toilet at school he might understand but I'm not having much luck!

I have tried not buying anymore nappies this just lead to many accidents, reward stickers he wasn't interested. Sitting him on the toilet but he will scream and get himself in such a state and ends up making himself sick.

So where do I go from here? He's in the last size nappies that I can buy so I really need to get him into underwear ASAP.

I was hoping to not have to deal with messy poo I was going to pick up some boxers so at least they hold the poo but I’m guessing I’m best off just sticking with trousers?

I'd maybe let him choose his "grown up" boxers or pants, whichever he prefers and then put the potty in whichever room suits you. Buy plenty of cleaning stuff ready. He will get there. I agree with giving him a phone or tablet to play on while he sits on the potty. And be extra enthusiastic when he actually goes.

I know nothing about autism but I know about bereaved children and it's so hard. You've been through a lot and he's only 5 bless him.

Sorry the GP wasn't any help.

Just a update

We went to the shops to get the girls and Finn some new pjs and underwear. I told the girls what was happening and we tried to make a big deal over him choosing his underwear I decided to try out with just boxers as at £4 for 5 pairs I won’t mind having to bin a few.

As soon as we got home of course the girls wanted to put on there new stuff and to my surprise Finn wanted to put on his big boy underwear which I wasn’t planned on doing but I thought I’d go along with him and let him lead the way. Not even a few second after putting a pair on he wee’d. Ok I blame myself for that as i didn’t get a chance to explain that he would need to use the potty or toilet. It didn’t bother him one bit. Now I’m thinking it wasn’t such a great idea but then I guess it’s a start that he’s wearing underwear!. Changed him and tried again. Had a few tiny little accident and I did manage to get him to sit on the potty with a bribe off a ice lolly after dinner. That was a first sitting on the potty without anything on. Although he didn’t do anything.

Half a hour late he sat on the potty with his underwear on and did a wee so that’s a start I guess! Just need him to pull his underwear down lol. While i was running the bath and getting the girls sorted we had a poo accident and he freaked out. I ended up putting I’m back in a nappy.

Do I carry this on? I’m off work tomorrow and I’ve told the school I might keep Finn home with me and try and get him out off nappies. Friday and Saturday might be better as my mum won’t have to have the girls all day tomorrow just after school, night time and most off Saturday.

Sorry I didn’t realise how long this turned out! I don’t mean to bore you.

A lot of people keep their little ones naked from the waist down and stay in the house for the first 3 days of potty training so kids learn when they are weeing and can get to the potty quickly. Then they wait for 6 weeks of successful potty training with clothes before they introduce underwear.

That all sounds like an excellent start!!
Personally I’d get cracking with it- if a day off school wouldn’t confuse him then yeah I’d go with that.
I’m a big fan of bribery for this sort of thing to get them over the first difficult hurdles.

Is the GP aware of his issues/potential ASD? If not, I would write a list of all his behaviours, delays etc, show the GP and insist on referral to a paediatrician. Sorry if you've already tried this. I have every sympathy; it doesn't look like my younger son will be trained in time for school and it's really stressful, but I accept that his development is delayed and therefore he probably differs physically from his peers as well as socially/emotionally so it will take longer. It doesn't sound as though you're getting enough support

I'd keep up the momentum...in the morning just put his boxers on. Remind him that big boys boxers means he'll need to use the potty and see how you go.

There will be mess, there may be tears but don't push anything either; just like you've done today.

Good luck.

It won’t heko with the poos but can you teach him to see into the toilet standing up? I work in a special school and for some of our students with sensory issues sitting in the toilet is very difficult but we have had success teaching some of our male students to use the toilet by standing up to wee into it. Once that’s established and they understand the function of the toilet you can then work on pooing.

I also read that up should give more ‘p’ food, prunes, pears and peaches so the poo is easier to pass so they are less recluctant and sitting to poo is generally more difficult so it make the process similar to what he is currently used to.

Hello OP. My DD was almost 5 before she was potty trained. She has a toilet aversion (which caused constipation and many issues) and she is still on Movicol at 8.

I found the school nurse really helpful. But the thing which helped most was a friend suggested buying an advent calendar (in a June!) and letting her open a door after every day of poos/wees on the toilet/potty. (It didn’t have to be every time). She was very taken with the idea and picked it up by about the middle of the advent calendar.

Good luck. I know how stressful it is.

You need the Victorian Continence Foundation "One Step at a Time" resource. This is written especially for toilet training children with SEND.

There's a link at the end of The Bladder and Bowel Foundation"s information leaflet:

www.bladderandboweluk.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Information-sheet-re-Toilet-training-children-with-additional-needs.pdf

I think he'd be fine with having a day off school. He won't go naked but I can give that another go I did buy loose boxers so they don't actually hold anything.

I'm a sucker for bribing my kids and he loves ice lollies so why not use them lol. Do I keep changing him each time he wets even though he's only done a few dribbles.

I don't know if it will help, but here's what I done with my son (you'd probably have to wait until school holidays)...

3/4 days of naked with the potty just in the room. Didn't try and sit him on it, just kept saying 'if you need a wee wee or poo poo, your potty is over there'.
If he had an accident I wouldn't say 'never mind', 'it's okay' or anything like that, I would just say 'mummy will clean this up, but next time your wee wee must go in the potty'.
When he was on the potty. We didn't look at him, just carried on doing what we were doing (with a side eye on him), so he didn't feel pressured.

After a few days of him getting that, I then put loose joggers on him with no pants. I read that where pants sit they set off a muscle memory that makes them feel like they have a nappy on, causing accidents. Plus they're looser and easier to pull up and down. I would then carry on with what I done previously. So never forcing him to sit and never asking him if he needed to go. Just every ten minutes 'your potty is over there if you need a wee wee or poo poo'.

Then once he'd nailed that for a week or so, we then went on to pants too.

Whenever he done anything on the potty. It was all high fives, big fuss.

I got all that from a book called 'oh crap' but that's the general gist of it.

Maybe worth a shot?

Thank you! I can teach him to stand to wee I just though you started with them sitting? Really sorry about TMI next his poo's are how would you put it not solid? but not super runny. He has no problem with going for a poo.

I have tried stickers in the past but he wasn't fussed I guess I could try a treat or something.

I would personally start with sitting.. also, even if he sat forever.. more chance of him having a better aim!

Yup my sons poos are still 'paste'. Just always have baby wipes handy, and teach him to bend on to his hands until he masters cleaning himself up.

Just in case you don't hear it often enough, the amount of thought you're putting in to helping your son through this, shows what a great dad you are!

Apologies, I just read further down for the reasonings behind standing up to wee

I’ve not read the full thread, but just to say Tesco brought out a range of larger child size nappies (mainly I think for children with autism) so these might help for a little while

I really appreciate all the help and advice! I've been doing everything alone for so long it's nice to get some support.

I've been having some trouble with a few parents at my youngest two school, I'm the talk off the mothers on the playground know as the lazy dad!

Thetes definitely no need to start with sitting down if sitting down is distressing and causing issues for your son. I think generally we teach toddlers to wee sitting down because their balance and motor skills needed to stand and aim are not yet developed enough for standing. But that is less of an issue as children get older, and for children with autism standing may be a lot more comfortable than sitting. If you are having battles and crying around sitting on the toilet then teaching to stand removes that huge barrier and will make success more likely. You can support aim by putting a ping pong ball in the toilet (which will float and won’t go down when flushed) for your son to try and hit as he were.

(Sorry for all the typos - I’m on my phone and battling against an over-zealous autocorrect)

I totally forgot we still need to do the school run which takes around a hour with both girls. Will be walking to the school so I still stick with underwear?

My dd has autism and was 5 before she was vaguely potty trained, had loads of accidents even then. We used a star chart and the promise of new books to bribe her quite frankly as she screamed at the thought prior.

Loosing his mum, your partner will have been really difficult for a child unable to really understand what happened and my heart goes out to you, wondering if he associates potty training with her getting sick?

We did get hv support and she took medication until 9, and had a special watch that beeped every 2 hours to remind her to go (she's adult now and still has the odd accident as she doesn't feel the need to go and has issues with public toilets).

The lazy dad???!!! That is shocking.
You're looking after 3 children who have lost their mum. That is fucking difficult!

Seriously, post more on mumsnet. There is loads of support on here. Its given me some great ideas in the past and also a feeling of Im not alone in this! Someone has always been through it.

Downhillrider yep stick with underwear for the school run. Take spare clothes and the potty with you!

CielBleuEtNuages that is very true! There is always coming out there going through the same things or worse.

School run went fine and no accidents but he hasn’t wee’d for 2 hours!!