To choose not to work after DC? Why?

[Marghe87]

I totally get it. Childcare costs are ridiculous, better to spend time with the family than with colleagues as those years will never come back etc... But, in the long run, aren't the risks too high?
I mean, being a SAHP means:

• giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
• giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
• putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
• stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
• what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I don't mean to be harsh will all of the above but I am really keen to understand why a person (90% of the times a woman) feels like giving up their job is the best option for themselves and their families in the long run.

I'd like to hear from women that made different choices.

Why? Are you writing an article? Or Are you trying to decide What to do yourself? In which case honestly no-one can say what would work best for your family.

Always being there for my children is worth missing out on the best house or holidays. I've never had to miss any school events. For us as a family it's what we want to do and I wouldn't change it for the world.

@TulipsInbloom1 I just want to understand what is behind other women's choices.
I don't think I could ever be a SAHM but in my case it doesn't matter really as I cannot afford to do it anyway :)

These are all downsides from your perspective. But you are making all kinds of assumption s - eg that the person giving up work has a "career", that they're paying a pension, that two incomes are needed. In every single case, the family has to make a decision based on the emotional and financial realities of their situation. Your decision making will be different to mine and mine is different to my friend's.

I continue to be floored by why people CARE so much. it's someone else's decision. Unless the decision means you watch someone you love disappearing into a black hole of abuse or something, why is it your problem. I'm so tired of all these "SAHP vs WAHP" arguments and discussions. Just as people choose to have 5 children or just 1. Why on earth do some people think they can comment on other people's choices?

I've become a SAHM until my two go to school. They are 1 and 3. The cost of childcare and commuting was more than I earned. And yes I know everyone says the cost should be spread between DH and I but really in the end it works out the same doesn't it, my income made zero difference to our lives and as we both worked shifts it was near impossible to make it work with rigid nursery times. We tried and failed. DH earns more and he has been promoted twice since I became a SAHM partly because it allows him far more flexibility.

I had a career that I hated and didn't want to stay in anyway. I have accepted that maybe I will only have a job now once the kids are in school but I will work. Even if it's cleaning or sitting on a checkout. But equally I will only be 32 by the time both the boys are in school so I don't think I've missed my chance and in the meantime we have done what we think is best for our family. If I had enjoyed and seen a future in my job we would of found a way of making it work I'm sure. Everybody does what is right for them.

I was made redundant 6 months before my first child was conceived. The job I got after my redundancy was just to fill a gap. I was always going to leave.

Once I had my 2nd child (2 close together) we have decided that due to the cost of childcare and the fact are family is complete, so no further breaks, I might as well be at home bringing up our children until they are at the very least full time in school.

It's a bloody privilege to be able to do this but at the same time I'm aware of the sacrifices we are making.

I'm hoping that it's the right decision- it does mean I see all my babies firsts, I don't have to worry about losing pay if they are ill, my husband has flexibility to pursue some different career progression routes and it will be my turn later.

It's just what is right for us.

I think it depends on what you do. If you could have a 5 or more year career break and then pick it back up part time then it’s the ideal. My mum and MIL (both primary teachers) both stopped work when first child born and started again when youngest started school. It was the way of things then 35+ years ago.
Others may have a job that isn’t a career IYSWIM and if financially it isn’t viable they have to do the best for their family.
I would have lost my career for good if I hadn’t gone back. I’m a dentist and would have deskilled and been too out of touch. It’s a very family friendly career though in that I managed a year off with 6 months full pay and then went back 2 days. I do 3 days now he’s at school.
Each to their own surely?

It’s really not that hard to understand that everyone makes different choices based on the different situations they are in, what their job was, how much it paid, whether they liked it, what their partner does, how much they earn etc etc...

Plus some people believe that having a parent at home is more important for children than having a bigger house, extra curriculars etc...you may not agree, and that’s fine.

Some people have partners that earn plenty, in which case having someone run the house and children’s lives can improve everyone’s lifestyle.

If you are happy with your choice there is no need to be critical of others doing it differently is there.

It's what works best for me. Because I can. Because it's fun. Because not everyone has super amazing well paid high flying careers. Meh, it'll all be fine.

what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

Oh god, you're right! I lost all my forethought, intelligence, things I love doing, when I became a sahp! Whatever shall I do when they leave?? I just cannot think with my tiny withered brain.

I quit my job before I had kids because my employers were dicking me around with payment of wages. I didn't find another one. After kids my job-searching naturally got subsumed under other stuff and I am basically unemployable now.

We don't need the money and I have hobbies to keep my mind active so it's not really a big deal.

what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I finally have enough time to finish all the projects I am continually starting _

I did it - had 5 wonderful years at home with my children and watched them develop and set the tone for their upbringing. I would not have missed it for anything.

We chose to have one parent with the children when they were small and valued that above money.

No problem about returning to career at all; and then at 50 I went off at a tangent and chose to start another new career.

I have no complaints - can't see why you would not do that if you wanted to and are able to financially. Too much pressure on parents to pursue a career exclusively.

DH and i waited to have DC so we could afford for me to give up work and be a SAHM. It was what we both wanted for our DC. I wanted to be their main carer and did not want them going into childcare. I honestly can say they were the best years of my life.

I went back to uni and retrained when they were older and got a job. I realised i hate working and took early retirement and am now a SAHW i guess as my DC have grown up now. I am back at uni studying again. Life is good!

- giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
Partner earns very well and we are very happy with our detached big house in a posh village with lots of savings.

- giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
I worked because I needed money, never gave a fuck about ambition. Did enjoy most of the job though, but not as much as doing my own hobbies

- putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
I live in a different country with different laws. My prenup (which can't be contested) favours me terribly, I have equity (large sum) in the house which I will get back & enough to help me buy a flat. He will have to pay alimoney for ten years. I won't need much to get by, a few hours cleaning or other simple job would be enough. If he dies all the savings will be mine, I can rent out a few rooms and would be fine. If he gets ill I'll have to find a part time job or a full time minimum wage one, but since our mortgage is half of the house we could also sell the house if necessary and downsize quite comfortably.

- stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
I'll inherit a large sum ftom my dad. Cannot be disinherited. Even if he remarries or decides to spend it all I can claim my part (different laws here). I also get half of DH's pension that he paid into from the day we married.

- what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?
I've never been bored in my life, I love reading, sewing, painting, goldsmithing, going to museums, travelling, swimming, cooking and crochet. I'll finally have more time to invest in my interests.

Basically, I'm financially secure and happy. So why wouldn't I stay home?

Because I want to spend time with my kids and focus on family life. I have enough money to pay my bills, I'm not bothered about a "career".

@explodingkitten clearly your situation is quite privileged, not everyone is in this position and my question was mostly to those who don't have a massive property, lots of savings, lots of money to inherit and amazing prenups.

Cost of childcare was my salary plus an extra 200 when we had two so when we had the third we went into mortgage arrears because of childcare and so I quit. You do lose a big chunk of yourself and feel inadequate at times and useless but there are a lot of pros too. I will go back to work but take a much lower job in the future but that's something I've made peace with too. To each their own.

Oh meant to add with money we've struggled a lot, being over and back on the property line even though dh bas a good job but that's as much because of old loans, bad choices buying a property and car etc

Am currently wondering if explodingkitten is married to Prince William.... 🤔

But you are making all kinds of assumption s - eg that the person giving up work has a "career", that they're paying a pension, that two incomes are needed.

This. I find it fascinating that there is an assumption that everyone has a career, it's something I see particularly in articles in newspapers like the guardian. An awful lot of people just have jobs. A lot of them hate their jobs too! I had to leave work because I didn't earn enough to pay for childcare, and because my job was shift based it would have been difficult to find appropriate childcare. I'm happy with this because I didn't like my job at all and because we live well within our means even though DH doesn't have a massive salary. I'll be fine because I'll be out of work for around 4 years probably which isn't that long and I have lots of customer service experience and some excellent references so should be fine to get another not very well paid job. I'm only having the one child, I wanted to spend all the time I could with him whilst he was still small.

I didn't have a career, dp does and is 9-5 mon-fri.

Never had a pension to start with

Don't particularly like working

Wages would be negated by childcare costs (this is the big one)

Dp earns enough for us to live perfectly comfortably, and even go on holiday and buy a new house.

Far less stressful for everyone. Dp just does work and bills. I sort house while he's at work, we split child care when he's around.

Weekends are spent doing fun things as a family.

I will caveat though that now ds is in reception I am looking for part time work. I trained as a chef so evenings and weekends are typical and would fit in.

We chose for me to stay at home
Once I had the children. I was never a big flier with a career, I did have a job until I got engaged to my husband,but then I moved abroad to be with him. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and always said I wanted to stay at home until the kids went to school-at 5 months old my son always diagnosed with multiple life threatening allergies,so even after he went to school
I wanted to be able to get there st the drop of a hat. We have struggled on the one wage,and rarely have proper holidays (but we live in a holiday destination so all summer is spent at the beach or the water park).wheb the kids got older,I looked into a part time job, but couldn't find what Ali wanted. All I could find were full time positions,and once you factor in travel,childcare,cleaner etc it just wasn't feasible. I volunteer once a week, and I am here to attend any school functions (although it can get tricky at the mo as I have two in two different schools,so if they have events on the same day I am Haitink around like a mad woman!

Some woman decide to have a career and then start a family.

I've decided to wait until my family is complete. And when youngest is in full time school then I will get a job.

Dh earns enough to support us. We don't have tonnes of money, but the bills are paid and we have a roof over our heads and a home filled with love and laughter. Sometime we have enough to make ends meet but that's fine with us. We're not materialistic, not bothered about fancy holidays/house/cars. We have what we need and that's good enough for us.

I'm glad I did it this way, because the amount of friends I have who chose to do it the other way around,and are struggling with fertility problems is something I don't think I'd of coped with.

As ever, a woman's place is in the wrong

I have chosen not to work whilst my DC are little. I’m lucky to have a DH who earns plenty so my salary wouldn’t materially change our circumstances. I had actually already given up my career that I’d worked hard to achieve, I hated it and it made me very unhappy. I had just finished a qualification to start a new career. Life insurance covers for my DH helps alleviate some worries. My DH is paying into a pension for me so I still have savings for retirement, plus his pension planning is to have enough for us all to live off. I intend on starting my new career (will be my own business) once the children start school.

Personally I think that it’s not a bad thing for one parent to give up work for a few years whilst children were small. It’d be nice to see the workplace accommodating this better through back to work schemes and possibly allowing partners to contribute to pensions whilst the other person looks after children. Not that the government would actually do that, probably too easy to use it as a tax loophole but it would help.