To choose not to work after DC? Why?

[Marghe87]

I totally get it. Childcare costs are ridiculous, better to spend time with the family than with colleagues as those years will never come back etc... But, in the long run, aren't the risks too high?
I mean, being a SAHP means:

• giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
• giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
• putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
• stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
• what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I don't mean to be harsh will all of the above but I am really keen to understand why a person (90% of the times a woman) feels like giving up their job is the best option for themselves and their families in the long run.

I'd like to hear from women that made different choices.

I have one child and knew i wouldn't have more. So I'd never get another go at it.
I sahm f.t for 5 years.
I didn't see any point in a stranger raising my child so i could work a low paid, dull, admin job so I could pay the stranger all my wages AND never see my child. Bizarre to me. Also, it was a dead end admin job, so staying for progression was a pointless consideration. I claimed child benefit so still got years for state pension. My job didn't offer a personal pension and they'd already refused part-time working to another new Mum.
It was risky and I sometimes panicked that I'd never get to work again. Plus not having my own money was a head fuck.
I'm proud of our achievements and lucky i was able to do it. Plus my DD was a breath holder and when you see your toddler go floppy and have to revive them many times with cold water, it tends to make you closer (and me a bag of nerves)!
3 months after she started school, I got a job at the Company where my partner works. It was 30 hours, 8.30 to 2.30. I used breakfast club for her.
I stayed for 4 years, then struggled to find anything that worked with school times. So I worked at CP for a year as a pt housekeeper. I earned a pittance, it was hard. But the free staff passes helped 😁
Then i was contacted by an agency, got into local authority, have moved up 2 bands and have the hours and days I want, earning the most since 2004.
So, there are my reasons, the risks, and the truth that it is possible to work again.

It made financial sense for me. If I worked now I'd be making roughly 2quid an hour after childcare costs. I'd be incredibly stressed, it would eat into our time together as a family, it would damage my husbands career because he wouldn't be able to work whenever he liked and study whenever he needed to. And the main thing is my husband earns around three times what I learnt, and works 12 hr shifts, random shifts sometimes nights, fir the NHS. So if he had to take specific days off so I could work we would be losing money for no reason. He may as well work those days and earn the three times extra for them. I also worked for the NHS and did 12 hour shifts... there arent really school hour friendly shifts I could've done... I would've had to change jobs.....
And at the end of the day I've never really been ambitious in terms of career. I didnt expect to be a housewife but when I think about it this is what I value most about my life not paid work. So this role suits me.... even if it is sometimes isolating and has been a steep learning curve! I mean i worked in a caring role for money before... it seems much more rewarding to me personally to do it for my family.
Maybe i will go back to work in the future at some point but probably only at minimum wage level... I dont have any plans to study or anything.
We arent wealthy by any means. I dont by branded food and I buy second hand clothes.... but we manage to travel and do things. I dont regret my choices.

*being a SAHP means:+
- giving up one extra income
My salary was barely above min wage so it hardly made a huge difference to our quality of life. Imo having a mother available at all times is of more value to my DC than my tiny salary would be (I admit I’d feel differently if I was earning £50k, but I’m not)

- giving up a job/career
I didn’t have a good career. I’d worked hard and got qualifications but never got the lucky breaks such as being hired in a job with prospects. So I was stuck in a dead end job on a zero hour contact because it was all I could get. I was glad to have an excuse to quit (again I admit I’d feel differently if I had a good career but I don’t)

- putting the future of the family at risk
I’m aware that if DH dies I’m screwed. But me working wouldn’t change that situation because my job was shit. In the event of DH’s death I’d get an insurance payout and sell our house, and live a very modest life on the proceeds until DC grow up and don’t need me to support them any more.

- stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
I didn’t earn enough to pay into a pension anyway. A min wage job gives you f* all pension contributions so it’s no great loss. I’m aware I’ll have a low income later in life but working won’t change that, it’s beyond my control.

- what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?
Then I can get a crappy job and not have to weigh it against childcare or time with my kids. Or maybe I’ll try starting a business.

In summary OP, my life before kids was crap. Despite my qualifications I wasn’t successful in building a career and I felt shit about that every day. I had low self esteem because nobody valued me enough to give me a decent job or promotion even though I’d worked ridiculously hard and got all the qualifications. I had to take whatever min wage job I could get and I felt like a failure every day. When I had kids it was an excuse to quit my job and stop hating myself and the world. I have value now. I have self esteem. I’m important and the work I do in raising DC is important. There is no value for me in returning to my shitty min wage job and low self esteem because I don’t have a good career. It’s only fun to play the game if you’re winning - when you’re not winning it’s miserable and you don’t want to play if you don’t have to.

Just that presumably if you can only get minimum wage and so perhaps levels of education aren't great

I have a PgCE, and a degree.

I'm not having a go: as I've said, people have to do what's right for their families. But if you have daughters, what sort of a message is that? Go to university, get a degree but then it's OK to dick about if you have kids as your husband will provide?

Nah, mine has a great work ethic and isn't interested in kids and men getting in the way. She isn't stupid and believes this is the best for her career. Great, she won't be moaning about shared childcare and domestics, she'll have maids and travel, she expects world domination in her work. Very ambitious, driven, determined, with a plan and timed goals, she's had from 14 years old. I'm not concerned

It depresses me that your education was a waste and it depresses me that so many women still see reliance on a man rather than work/education as a route out of poverty. That isn't a personal judgement on you but a general sense of "what's the point."

It wasn't a "waste" I use it every day. I studied computer science and I use the skills and knowledge I learned all the time, I just don't make any money using them. It may depress you further to know I am now also taking a BSc in mathematics as well which will probably go equally to "waste" from a financial perspective because I have realised some of the ambitions I have require a deeper mathematical foundation to be viable.

(Increasingly, I think perhaps you're right and I'm wrong: who knows! Perhaps I should have just focused on finding a man who was going to earn a decent amount when I was still attractive enough to get one grin)

I didn't even "focus on finding a man" I just trolled people on the university IRC and one more or less fell into my lap (well I did try and tell him I was too much of a weirdo loner for it to ever work but he insisted and it turned out I was wrong.)

I went back to work part time after having my LG when she was 10 months. We don't have family who can regularly care for her and we never want her to be looked after by strangers. So my work place worked my hours around my dh's. It was hard work and me and my husband were like ships in the night. When we moved house to a bigger house last year we decided that I should give up work and we all have never been happier

I really am starting to think we'd be better off giving girls the message to find a decent, reliable sort of bloke who won't screw them over.

Why do women, despite degrees and other high levels of qualifications, still end up stumbling into minimum wage jobs and men don't? Seriously, what's going on?

Why would we both want to kill ourselves working full time in high flying careers to prove a point? To whom? To our children? To others? To ourselves? All I know is that the stress would be bad for the family as a whole in what exists in the here and now. I can't go with what ifs and things that may never even happen. This is real life, not conjecture. So I can't get myself a career to prove I'm not sexist, not dependent etc. I'm not dependent. My DH does not see it that way either- it's a pragmatic choice.

Why does it matter if it is mum doing the pick ups and the housework? Would it be better if it were Dad? And I do know couples where this is the case or where it is shared, depending on their work structure. We should get to the point where this is incidental. That would be true gender freedom because men get judged on this, too (i.e. lazy bastard, sponger, kept man, etc).

Education is never a waste. I have used it more recently for voluntary work and plan to use it perhaps from home in a freelance context. It has given me a confidence I would never have had - e.g. in discussions like this - and a voice to defend those who are considered lesser in value for their education, for their status, for their pay because I have walked a mile in both shoes. We are all equal. We are all humans.

I don’t think sahm should be allowed claim benefits

Eh? Most of us don't unless the family has a low income overall.

Would it be better if it was Dad

From an individual point of view, no.

From societal point of view, I think it would be excellent.

It wouldn’t be something I’d want to do. I think it can leave women vulnerable and I find it depressing how it’s (usually) the man who is the highest earner and how his career gets prioritised. But I don’t really care what other people choose to do. They make their choices I make mine.

I had a career that I didn't hate but I much preferred having free time to really enjoy myself with my children.

fabaunt

We are a low income and have tc, and cb for one child, used to be three but others grown up now.
Bit pointless working for nothing, or paying to work. Childcare is expensive and a luxury many can't afford.
Great if you have a job with money left over, but very few people do.

artfully I agree with a lot of what you have said. I think what needs to be addressed as a societal level but clearly isn’t despite years of equality laws is that it’s more often than not the man who is in the “better” career on more money and why his career gets prioritised and put on an ever upwards trajectory when children come along while the woman’s gets mothballed.

Why does anyone care?
Why do some people feel put upon by the choices of others even when it doesn't affect them in anyway?
Why is the role of nurturer of a child and homemaker seen as dicking about?
Why is going back to work and slogging your guts out in a job you don't like when you don't need the money to the detriment of your family life so others feel justified in their own life choices seen as setting a good example?
Why are women who choose to stay at home seen as somehow emancipated rather than revered for the fucking awesome job they are doing?
And to repeat my first question OP, why do you care?

Pretty sure that feckless eejits like me aside most women actually earn more before children these days.

I wasn’t in a NMW kind of job and I loved working. I did end up becoming a SAHP by accident as I became seriously ill in my late forties and came close to death. It’s now a chronic managed condition but means I won’t work again sadly. However I received a decent pension and have a second pension I can choose to draw at 55. DS was just moving up to secondary school. As much as people like to be home when dc are tiddly actually being around at this older age has been great.

Personally I never wanted to rely on a man for money so wanted a well paying job and intended alwasy working. . I ended up apart from the ill health in a very lucky position of decent career, a DH with a decent career and a big joint income that due to my pension being a defined benefits one is still really ok.

I think to each their own the SAHP stuff was foistered on me.

Pretty sure that feckless eejits like me aside most women actually earn more before children these days.

I’ve seen countless times on here, other fora and IRL though in discussions on this topic “he earns much more than I do so it made sense for me to quit/go part time”. Why is that then?

I had a high paying job. I had a career. When the kids came along I didn't want them in nursery before I felt it would benefit them. I also didn't want less educated people raising them. I realise that won't be popular but it was how I felt.

Schmoo I imagine like anything you would need to do a scientific survey to get a real impression. There’s 60 million odd people in the uk, a large proportion are parents, it doesn’t take a massive percentage where something is true for it to come up a lot nonetheless. People for whom that wasn’t the case aren’t going to be saying “I earned more but I quit anyway” because their earnings would be unlikely to be the driver of their decision making in that case.

My wage wouldn’t cover childcare, especially for 2 preschoolers... although I loved my job, I would have been looking for another position anyway due to being bullied by my boss and nothing being done about it by higher management... I also have a long term injury which has gotten worse since pregnancy/childbirth and would no longer be as reliable/able in my role in horticulture as it was highly physical.
We own our home, DHs wage covers mortgage/bills etc, we are quite canny with money so can still go a couple of nice weekends away and lots of day trips, the DCs won’t struggle for anything. I also had savings and we don’t claim benefits other than child benefit.
I will also only be 31 by the time both DC get their free hours childcare and will be retraining part time for a related but less physical role during this time with the view of gaining full time employment once they start school. I have also been doing evening classes and building a portfolio of casual work relating to my chosen career path during this time to make full time employment more likely.
It suits our family at this point in time, although I am looking forward to retraining and the prospect of a new career a couple of years down the line.

Because just because women can do anything, doesn't mean they have to do everything. (Which applies equally to men, and to the family as a whole. ) By which I mean that there is plenty to do in childcare & household management - and you might choose to spend your time on that rather than paid WOHM.

In real life, people don't necessarily profit-maximise. They place utility on all sorts of none-money things.

Let alone the women that want to work, but logistically cannot.

It depresses me that your education was a waste

It was more of a waste in the workplace. I have two degrees and a PGCE but I barely exceeded min wage because public sector salaries have been cut to the bone. At least as a SAHM I can use my skills to educate my child and do interesting hobbies.

As a teacher you weren't earning more than minimum wage? How did that work?