To choose not to work after DC? Why?

[Marghe87]

I totally get it. Childcare costs are ridiculous, better to spend time with the family than with colleagues as those years will never come back etc... But, in the long run, aren't the risks too high?
I mean, being a SAHP means:

• giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
• giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
• putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
• stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
• what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I don't mean to be harsh will all of the above but I am really keen to understand why a person (90% of the times a woman) feels like giving up their job is the best option for themselves and their families in the long run.

I'd like to hear from women that made different choices.

Well, personally I have no idea why anyone who could afford not to chooses to put their child into nursery from 8/6 five days a week and go back to work but that’s their decision not mine, and their life not mine.

Every family is different and what works for one doesn’t for another and vice versa.

Why do people care so much about what others decide to do if they’re happy with their own decision??

Highly dependant on the family set up and the individual themselves.

Some people don't need to go back to work and can afford to stay at home. I could stay at home and manage, but I enjoy going to work. It gives me a purpose outside of being "so and so's mum" and just being me again, something which I think is important.

@explodingkitten clearly your situation is quite privileged, not everyone is in this position and my question was mostly to those who don't have a massive property, lots of savings, lots of money to inherit and amazing prenups.

But that wasn't your question in your OP which is why I answered. I do feel extremely privileged, I have been properly poor in the past so I really feel like one of the luckiest people (it's mostly luck, not my doing) and I'm very thankful for it. I do have other issues though (health, fertility), so no life without problems.

If I look at the people around me most SAHM's who are financially vulnerable do go back to work part time at some point in time. Actually I still might work part time in the future just to show DC that going to work is normal (DH works from home most days).

And as for the poster who suggested that I was married to prince William: hahaha no. Thankfully not. I don't envy Kate one bit, she will never be able to do her own thing in the public eye and her time will never totally be hers.

do you seriously think most people plan their lives so carefully?
Most of us are just bumbling

I'm a SAHP. Gave up a career which paid OK, wasn't my passion though and was never what I wanted to do for the rest of my working life. DH has a pretty good job and is climbing the ladder steadily. We can afford a lifestyle we are currently happy with if we are careful (nice home in OK area, days out, UK holidays, hobbies, activities for DC etc).

For me, I always knew I wanted to be a SAHP and being with my DC, teaching them new things, helping them develop etc is a million times more meaningful for me than work was. DH and I both agreed that we felt it was best for DC that they had a parent at home with them and although DH would have rather been a SAHP himself than have us both back at work, it made more sense for me to do it because 1. I wanted to do it more than he did (just barely!) and 2. His job was better paid by about 20% so it made more sense to retain the higher income.

The plan is for DH and I to start a business together once we've finished having DC and they are all at school. If it all works out as planned, it would mean more family money, relocating to a better area and hopefully would still allow one of us (alternating) to be there for DC before and after school so we both get the opportunity for a good work/life balance.

Basically, people have different priorities and different financial constraints and they arrange their lives accordingly.

I think the answer is fairly simple, women give up work because they want to.

And a lot of people live their lives based on the here and now, short term thinking so don't consider their future pension or employability.

There is no right or wrong, just depends on the person really.

We made a joint decision I would be the one to stay home with the children as he had more earning potential, the first 2 years were very tough financially. Have 6year gap between 2 DC, stayed full time at home for 11 years, then went back part time. I loved my time running the home but was ready to go back to the workplace. I wanted to give the children my time to enable them to grow to their potential. Perhaps my thinking is a bit old fashioned but why would I give someone the job of looking after my children instead of me .

For me, it just happened - my job went. I did get another one but it was just a job, not a career.

I did go to university many years back and am continuously getting stick for not having a good job. I don't actually tell most people about my degree now.

What I don't understand from these threads is how people manage with both people working at career jobs and having a young family - I include school aged children in this because the juggle doesn't stop then.

The reason I am not doing a career job is because I would find it all too stressful. We both would find it stressful . For those who do it, what's your secret?

I had my children straight after uni (and two gap years) so had not started my career. I stayed at home until they went to school (also studied for an MA part-time during this time) then started my career, so was still under 30. This worked really well for us because I agree with you OP that it is an awful lot to give up.

I am currently a SAHP parent and have been for 6 months. I went back to work after my third but if I'd continued I would have had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't juggle work and my children and my eldest was falling behind at school as I didn't have the time to give her.

I had a senior job with a good salary but DH's career overtook mine whilst I had my maternity leaves.

It wasn't an easy decision to give up my career and I am worried about my pension and risk of financial dependency all the time. I hope to go back to something very part time in the next year to keep my skills relevant.

Your downsides are spot on; but I've weighed it all up and gone for the option that is right for now.

Between DH and I we work full time - it means that there's someone to deal with the school holidays, times when DD is sick, times when one of us is ill etc. We are fortunate that we earn enough for what we need. Neither of us has perfect health (one reason I'm still working - it'll be much easier for me to get a full time professional job if necessary), and we don't have family nearby to help with childcare. Friends have been very kind when we've needed help, but I'm aware we don't want to overuse them. It allows us enough time and energy to run the house and have a couple of other interests as well as work. It works well for us.

It's up to each person but I find it kind of insulting when someone suggests I should be a SAHM. I worked really hard for my career and I love my job. Yes half of my FT wages go towards childcare but it's only going to be for a couple of years it's not worth giving up my job (and pension) for.

I gave up working because I hated my career and liked being a mother. There is no other career that would make me happy. Parenting is the only thing I think worth doing.

Each to their own. I do wonder about the age demographic of posters responding though. I think it would be interesting to hear from women of different ages who have made both choices. It would be interesting to get the different perspectives from women in their 20s, 30s,40s, 50s and 60s (presuming hopefully if you worked, you are enjoying retirement in 60s!)

I am basically a SAHP. I work at home, part time at around 12 hours a week. My youngest is 10, can't see myself ever going back to the 9-5 job. I'm 45.

It works for us as a family. DH earns plenty for the family at around £150k per year. Because of his high salary, he often has to work late and travel overseas. In fact, I'm off to the airport in a bit to collect him off a flight from Canada. His travel and hours aren't really predictable. It would be really hard for me to get a "proper job" which we could make work - even if I snagged a job on £30k, that's a fifth of what he earns. His job takes priority. So I do the regular trips to orthodontist, school shows, opticians appointments and ferrying the kids all over the city for various activities. It works for us.

I have a pension. I have a work pension from when I was working, and pay every month into a personal pension. 50% of the family savings are in my name.

My writing work keeps my brain active. I volunteer running a craft club at my daughter's school and help a local charity 6 hours a week. I am never bored. As the kids get older , i'll probably take up more freelance work and pick up an extra charity voluntary shift.

Each to their own. Personally I could never give up my work. Am from a very ordinary back ground, did well at school,have a very good professional job, which I enjoy.Like being able to support myself ,if I had too,setting example to DC especially my daughters,being on same level as DH,
Have seen so many women give up work and live to regret it.

It's stressful as fuck having two FT working parents but I do agree it's too risky to reduce your income

Most SAHMs I know don't earn enough to have the privilege of working!

Each to their own. I have an ambitious mum who couldn't believe I was giving up my career to be a SAHM. At the time I was the higher earner. Warned me I'd be bored. The lack of spare cash would be a struggle....

But I loved it. Found my DC far more interesting than my job ever was. It also meant I could spend time with my DGM who I adored.

DH earned enough to cover bills and food and for a couple of camping holidays a year and we paid into a pension for me while I wasn't working. The whole household was happiest when I was at home.

But them I've never been very interested in 'stuff' so my financial needs are small. Our best holidays were in Northumberland and Wales.

Never went back to my career. It took up too much time and we're all used to being able to see each other in the evenings. That is more of a priority.

Sorry, meant to add that my DM saw the life we lead and said that she wished in retrospect that she'd had more time with me. Fortunately she could make up for it with her grandchildren.

And that is fine with the proviso that DH earns enough and that he isn't going to fuck off and that it's all going to be fine going into your 50s and still at home.

And I know it is for many women. Unfortunately it isn't my world. Without me working, we wouldn't have camping holidays, we'd be living in a tent as we'd lose the house!

I wanted too be with my children, genuinely enjoyed the day to day life and seeing the world fresh again. I wanted to be the biggest influence on my children and not have them spend 8 hours a day with often young nursery staff who have no academic qualifications. I wanted them to feel I was always there for them. The smile when they come out of school is wonderful. I just wanted to feel the joy of sharing a life with my child and not squeezing it into an hour quality time at the end of the day. I realise however we are all different, some people find childcare boring and resent being at home. Those people are doing the right thing to work. Knowing we're all different but should have choices isn't that difficult.

For those saying that they are setting a good example by working, what do they mean? Does it mean that, essentially, choosing for one parent to work is an inferior choice? I hear this come up a lot and do think it is an underhand way of saying so.

The other thing that comes up a lot is that women say they are working so their husband doesn't suddenly decide to up and leave. I have said before I find this a depressing notion to base your choices on. It is not very complimentary to men either, who are often seen as feckless and this implies that the responsibility for their family is entirely on their terms. Of course, they may well leave - or you might. 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce but you adapt. We ourselves adapted to 2 job losses (including a business going under), family illness, a death of a parent, caring for an elderly relative. It is amazing how resilient humans are and also amazing, as we saw, how little one can actually live on.

I say, plan a bit for the here and now, a little less for the long term (as it often changes) and re-plan if anything goes wrong. No decision is set in stone. Earlier decisions may influence later ones but everything is transient.

I had no choice but to work. Some have no choice but to SAH. it's too individual to have a catch all answer.

Why do you care? Everyone is different. Why should they have to justify themselves to you? A lot of women will question why you anyone would want to rush back to work and hand their baby over to someone else. After all, that's not natural from an animal instinct point of view!