To choose not to work after DC? Why?

[Marghe87]

I totally get it. Childcare costs are ridiculous, better to spend time with the family than with colleagues as those years will never come back etc... But, in the long run, aren't the risks too high?
I mean, being a SAHP means:

• giving up one extra income that can make a big difference in a family life (ie: being able to afford a better house, family activities, travels, pay for the children's education etc... obv it is different for those with a partner that earns a big enough salary to cover all the above)
• giving up a job/career that was build with efforts and dedication and no longer being financially independent
• putting the future of the family at risk in case the working partner either: decides to leave you, dies, gets ill, loses his/her job etc
• stop paying into your pension which means a very low income later in life
• what happens when the kids are older and no longer need you at home all the time?

I don't mean to be harsh will all of the above but I am really keen to understand why a person (90% of the times a woman) feels like giving up their job is the best option for themselves and their families in the long run.

I'd like to hear from women that made different choices.

Turquoise sea, you said in a previous post that your DH did very little with his children. Does this not make you sad? Kids definitely remember that one parent was not there. Maybe if you had kept your career, you could have both had time to be with your kids? I feel a bit sorry for your kids actually.

No I don’t think it’s amiss. There’s nothing actually stopping women from doing the whole mega career thing before children and being on the same rung as the men.... but many still don’t. And that leads quite naturally to women being the SAHP when they have kids. You say that’s societal and wrong, shared parenting in every aspect is the way to go.
But this US shared parenting. Equality doesn’t mean doing the same thing. And you’re ignoring biology. Men don’t leave their families because it’s societally acceptable - it’s not! - they do it because they want to, surely? How many women get pregnant accidentally and end up hanging the baby over to the father to bring up, seeing their kid only at weekends? It’s almost unheard of.
There was a report a few years ago about one of the Scandinavian countries which had finally achieved almost ideal and equal working / childcare conditions for both parents...and yet, despite that, women were still not taking the top jobs, still not pursuing their careers in the same way the men were. Because they didn’t want to. They still chose more part-time work and less commited positions to spend time with their children.
(I will try and dig up the report apologise for the vagueness).
We don’t want the same things.

I didn’t say my DH did very little with my DCs at all I just said he couldn’t remember a lot of the stuff when they were very little but that’s because they are 10 & 14 now. What I meant was he was out at work from 7.30am to 6.30pm most days so didn’t see them in the day like a lot of working parents. He is actually the one who takes my DS to play football every Sunday and has done for years. He still got to do the bedtime routine with them, read them stories at nighttime & tuck them in to bed. We still have weekends where we do stuff as a family as he doesn’t work then. His parents live round the corner and so the DCs see their grandparents repgulatly so please don’t feel sorry for my DCs. I actually asked my DCs if they liked me being at home with them when they were little & they both said they loved it. There was no dosing them up with Calpol & sending them to nursery when they were ill. My point was that my DH works full time & I stayed at home if we had both worked full time we would both have missed out on those things.

I think it's a privilege to be able to say home with my son everyday. I feel very lucky and my husband and myself have the same family values so we always knew one of us would be at home.

@Turquoisesea I definitely agree with you, firstly with the fact that I have by far the better end of the deal than my husband. I get to spend every day with my son watching and helping him develop, we have very busy days but they are filled mostly with love, laughter and fun.

Secondly my job has never defined me, I have never understood when my friends have said they have gone back to work as they felt that had lost their identity or "who they are" by not working, I find that quite sad. And As if their "worth" was measured by their job title and pay package

Someone mentioned children remember if a parent is not involved, but then advised the mother to go back to the career, surely that means the child will remember both parents being absent,

And just to add this morning my DH said to me as he was getting ready for work that he really hates his job, hates the industry, hates his role and everything about it even though he earns a good salary is well educated and works hard. So this constant argument that men somehow have it better than women is false. I’m sure there are a lot of men (and women) who have careers that although pay well are neither satisfying or make them happy. That’s why I don’t feel like I got a bad deal being a SAHM.

@Turquoisesea indeed, but don't you think this could also put more weight on his shoulders by feeling he has to put up with a job he hates as his family fully relies on him?

Do people really think it's a privilege to be a sahm? Some people want to work and can't afford childcare, that's hardly privileged.
How can it be a privilege to care for the child/ren you made?

I can't see as I've ever felt privileged, we just decided how we wanted to live and got on with it.

This thread is depressingly like the name change threads. Why do women change their name on marriage someone will ask. How dare you, it’s my choice, my name was terrible, difficult to spell, etc. Never though does this seem to happen to men.

I think it’s right to ask - why do women end up as sahp and men don’t? This leads to a lot of inequality, not least working patterns in most professional careers which don’t suit parents without a sahp (that is women). Women are seriously disadvantaged by this. So are men and children too, if they’re not getting to spend time with their children.

Women start with better qualifications and even better salaries pre children. It’s having a family that is denting our earning potential so seriously. If we were feminists (and I am) we would be asking why we have a workplace that only suits one sex and why men aren’t pulling their weight at home (as a society). We wouldn’t be saying “it’s fine cos I have a terribly rich husband”. Who wants that for their daughter? Not me.

Yes I do think it's a privilege, in that a lot of my friends would love to be at home with their children but can't and I absolutely love spending time with him ..it's a privilege.
Maybe wrong turn of phrase, but we say it's privilege to spend time with people,I mean it in that way

He hates his job? I am guessing it would be hard for him to retrain into something he likes because there is no one else to support the family? My DH and I have both had periods of working part time so we can both enjoy being with the kids. We have also both changed career paths. This flexibility is what people (women especially) give up when they give up their earning power.

Maybe we need to start looking at employers offering more flexibility ? Recently, I have noticed a lot of my neighbours adopting homeworking roles. With Skype etc, there's no need to be present in an office anymore and it saves companies money in overheads

@zsazsajuju exactly. I don't get what the point is to study, invest in education, work hard and then quit everything to be at home with the kids. Surely it is not what you would want your kids to do (otherwise why would you invest so much in their education and extra curricular activities etc if they will also end up staying at home for the rest of their lives?). It's just the type of example we are setting for our kids (daughters) that is wrong.

I had a career that was tricky to hang on to with 2 small children and a husband who worked away often. Freelance broadcast journalist. The 'problem' was solved when he got an overseas posting where I couldn't work and off we went. He'd spent so much time away that we felt we might as well all go!
Now I don't regret those years. Proper
Family adventure.
But. I've never really got close to a foothold in my former career. Instead I've done bits of this and that and never quite felt I've fulfilled my early potential.
And we were lucky that glibetrotting OH's income supported us. But....

@Marghe87 so women shouldn't bother getting an education just in case we decide to have children and actually raise them ourselves?

@moregin - you can have children “and raise them yourself” and have a career. Men seem to manage. Surely we are past the days where women’s ambitions are restricted to marrying a rich man?

Of course you can. But if we choose not to, we've wasted our education?

And stop all this talk of marrying rich men. I'm a SAHM (with a 'wasted' degree, honours no less!! God I'm such a leech on society...) and I am not 'kept' or sponging off my husband thank you very much. We made the choice that was right for our family and one we're both happy with. It could just as easily been him who stayed at home but it ended up not being the right choice for us. But because of the we're setting a terrible example to our children apparently? True feminism is a FAIR and EQUAL choice, which I had and I'm happy with thank you very much.

Questioning whether men and women have fair and equal access to opportunities, choices and lifestyles is a completely valid point but some of the comments on this thread are hideous and are why women will never have true equality until we stop slagging each other off for the choices we make. Go to work. Stay at home. Do a mix of both. But don't pick apart other people's choices.

Ignore it moregin - this whole debate is flawed as starts from wrong premise of totally devaluing women’s unpaid labour

Thanks @MsTSwift you're far more articulate than me. I'm really wound up by it. Some ignorant attitudes on this thread. I'm bowing out...

MsTSwift

Yes, that's it exactly! That's what has bothered me about this whole thread. I hate the idea that I would be disappointed if any daughter I had chose the same life as me but why would I!? I would encourage her to do what made her happy and was best for her family.

marghe86
I don't get what the point is to study, invest in education, work hard and then quit everything to be at home with the kids

This is a shockingly awful attitude. What an ignorant, small-minded, not to mention downright rude thing to say. The purpose of education is not just to earn money!
While this attitude to “staying at home with the kids” prevails, there will never be true equality. We don’t have to worry about The Patriachy keeping women down - we’re doing a fabulous job of it all by ourselves.

From another thread I note the OP doesn't yet have children. She may feel very differently when she does or she may not....

I worked for 19 years before my career break. I intend to do so again in the future. I don't think those years in education were wasted.

If both parents have a demanding job, it is insanely tough on everyone. So what if one takes a break for a while to focus on the children.

It's so sad that looking after children isn't valued. A bit like many paid occupations predominantly done by women.

@TheKitchenWitch couldn't have said it better myself.

Thekitchenwitch - I totally agree with what you’ve said. Why can’t we all support each other’s choices instead of trying to bring each other down.

I certainly don't agree that men have a better time at work.Yes there are some alpha men (and women!) but I am sure a lot of men would prefer to work less.There are a few in my working life who seem really resentful of their SAH wives ,have to work all the extra hours they can get and seem to really feel the pressure of being the sole bread winners