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Original poster

My partner won't let me see my family this Christmas

222 replies

AliceCherry · 10/12/2018 08:00

So, my parents have invited myself, my OH, and my LO (6 months old) over on Christmas day this year, (they only live 20 mins away). I would love this. I ADORE spending time with them, plus the idea of not cooking for a day is just bliss to me! My partner however, has said no because he can't stand being around my parents for more than 2 hours. I said that we could drive back early, or only spend a few hours there, but he's declined. He's said that my LO and I can go, and he'll stay at home alone, but obviously that's not an option.

I accepted this at first, thinking that maybe he just wanted a quiet Christmas with the three of us, the first ever! I could get on board with that. But that doesn't appear to be the case.

I looked at our calender this morning, and he's just filled the festive period with trips out with his side of the family for us. Like seriously, we're at his sister's on 20th, his brothers on 21st, his dad's on 22nd, 23rd and 24th, his mum's on the 26th and 27th, and NYE. He's not even asked me. It's just been assumed that I'll drive us around the county all Christmas, (he doesn't drive).

What REALLY hurt though was that he decided yesterday that we'd be having Christmas with his mum and her OH. They're coming to ours apparently, so I guess I'll be in the kitchen all day.

I don't begrudge his family any time with my DS. I really like them and we all have such a good relationship. Plus, it's so so wonderful that my LO has so many family members around and I'm truly grateful for that! It's more than a lot of people have.

I just don't want my side of the family to be left with the dregs... They do so much for us, and they treat my OH like a son. I feel like I never see them anymore, and it's really getting me down.

In general we see his family every weekend. On the flip side though since having my LO, I can think of one Saturday where we've spent the afternoon with my parents, and my OH sulked for the whole time, and barely said two words to them. If I'm lucky I can snatch a couple of hours every other week or so where I see them alone with my DS if my OH is working. That's it though.

Talking to my partner about this will lead to arguments and I don't want a bad atmosphere around my son. What can I do?

OP posts:
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Wintermam · 10/12/2018 17:48

If you're quite friendly with his parents then I'd be telling them exactly why you've chosen to spend Xmas with your family although I'm sure they're wondering why you'll be spending so much time with them and not your own family anyway with all them trips planned?
Not to offend but tough shit if your little one isn't there if they turn up on Xmas day, do your family not deserve to see little one just as much as them?

SD1978 · 10/12/2018 17:53

Holy shit on the update. It sounds for the best and I hope you are genuinely ok. If writing it has made you realise you deserve more, and want more, then I'm very glad you did. Merry Christmas @AliceCherry for you and your family xxx

StressedToTheMaxx · 10/12/2018 17:55

OP this was most defiantly an abusive relationship.
Eventually you may feel sad about the situation but remember you and you ds have a right to be happy also.
Did his family reply to your messages?

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HauntedPencil · 10/12/2018 17:58

Good for you OP.

Mummyshark2018 · 10/12/2018 17:58

Well done op. The relief you are experiencing is telling you that you made the right decision. IMO I couldn't be with someone who tried to isolate from my family and who couldn't even put himself out for xmas day! I hope you and your child have a lovely relaxing Xmas Smile

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/12/2018 18:02

Well that was all very quick...

Hiphopopotamous · 10/12/2018 18:22

Wow OP that must have taken a lot of courage. Well done!

Stay strong over the next few weeks, I'm sure it will be all tears and apologies and promises to change.
People don't change.

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 10/12/2018 18:36

Well done Alice.

silentcrow · 10/12/2018 18:38

Happy Christmas, OP! Xmas Smile

Couple of things. The police told us that if the property belongs solely to you, you can change the locks no bother. If the ownership is joint, he can also change the locks and you end up in a tit for tat situation. However, there's nothing to prevent you fitting deadbolts that can only be locked from the inside (we did it within an hour of my relative kicking her STBXH out). Ask your locksmith for advice if you have PVA doors as there are different things you can do to increase security. You absolutely do not want to be in a vulnerable situation where he could walk back in and eg take the baby. I know he gave you the key but theres nothing to say he or a relative doesn't have a spare.

CCTV might be a plan but only if you can keep it secure. STBXH had the password to the existing set up and changed it so he could keep tabs/deactivate, so we just yanked the lot out of the wall.

Get thee to a divorce solicitor and a mediator asap. Don't give him time to stew, do it on your terms - you need to set the goalposts or he'll just keep trying to shift them. Make lists of all his unreasonable, controlling behaviour.

Protect any money you have coming into a joint account - wages, benefits, even xmas gifts. The Refuge guide will tell you how to freeze a joint account but be aware he can do it to you too. Divert it to an account in your name asap. STBXH effectively stole a wodge of child benefit from the joint account that was supposed to be for the children.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 10/12/2018 18:39

Oh, good for you OP. I was absolutely expecting to get to an update from you saying how lovely he is really apart from this one little thing.

Please stay strong. Tell your family everything you can think of about his controlling behaviour. Don't minimise anything. And have a lovely Christmas with your family!!

Letshopeitsallok · 10/12/2018 18:40

He’s going to have the shock of his life when he magnanimously offers to take you back in a week or two, so long as you change your “controlling and nagging” ways.

He’ll expect you to call at his feet weeping with gratitude.

Stay strong OP.

Iloveacurry · 10/12/2018 18:42

Wow well done.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 10/12/2018 18:45

Well bloody done! That lack of sadness you feel is surely evidence that you have done the best thing for you and your baby Grin

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2018 18:53

On a practical level, make sure all your money is in an account only you have access too. I’d drain and freeze all joint accounts too.

Change bills all to your name.

Let the council know you’re s single adult occupant you’ll get a discount on council tax

Apply thro CMS for child maintenance. You won’t get any money for months may as well strike whilst the iron is hot.

Cancel/freeze any joint cards or bank accounts. This is very important to stop him tuning up debt in your name.

If you’re married get yourself a good lawyer.

Sigh81 · 10/12/2018 18:58

Just here to say: well done OP. He clearly expected you to change your mind once he handed you the keys, what a shock he must have got!

Wouldyoubelieeeeeeveit · 10/12/2018 19:11

Well done OP. Don't back down. He sounds like a bully. You and your little one deserve better. If he truly cared about you he would t be attempting to alienate you from your family. Just remember this is on him regardless of any rubbish he attempts to spin.

UnicornSlaughters · 10/12/2018 19:33

Wow OP! Good for you! The relief you're feeling shows that it was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm really glad xx

Be prepared for him to come crawling back sooner or later.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 19:36

Well done! As PP have said, though, make sure you are prepared for him to try to get his feet back under the table. There may be tears and promises, which will be bullshit, but he may try threats and abusive behaviour, in which case call the police. Don't give the fucker an inch.

And don't offer contact with DC. Wait for him to ask, and set it up in a way that works best for you and DC - if there has been any aggression from this prick, supervised contact only.

Good luck. What a happy new year you're going to have without skivvying for him.

CallMeOnMyCell · 10/12/2018 19:41

Good riddance! Stay strong OP and if you feel yourself wavering and feeling sorry for him, remember this day and the lovely time you’ve had with your mum and DS. Enjoy your stress free Christmas Flowers.

Bechetdiagnosed · 10/12/2018 20:08

Hooray!!

Well done OP for having the strength to see it through Flowers

FamilyOfAliens · 10/12/2018 20:14

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Original poster
AliceCherry · 10/12/2018 20:33

It's not uncommon for him to threaten to leave. I just don't normally let him!

He's been phoning all evening mind, wanting to come back. This is the first time I've been strong enough to stand up for myself! I'm done. :)

His dad's replied asking if I'm okay. He seems super supportive. I think I'm going to be okay.

OP posts:
Escolar · 10/12/2018 20:51

We’re all behind you OP. Stay strong!

iLevictoiChete · 10/12/2018 20:53

brilliant - well done. it's hard to stand up to a bully. you did it. stay strong and have a very happy Christmas.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 10/12/2018 20:53

He will be so pissed off to hear you sounding cheerful AF - be aware that his dad, however kind, will probably be asked to report back....

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