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Original poster

My partner won't let me see my family this Christmas

222 replies

AliceCherry · 10/12/2018 08:00

So, my parents have invited myself, my OH, and my LO (6 months old) over on Christmas day this year, (they only live 20 mins away). I would love this. I ADORE spending time with them, plus the idea of not cooking for a day is just bliss to me! My partner however, has said no because he can't stand being around my parents for more than 2 hours. I said that we could drive back early, or only spend a few hours there, but he's declined. He's said that my LO and I can go, and he'll stay at home alone, but obviously that's not an option.

I accepted this at first, thinking that maybe he just wanted a quiet Christmas with the three of us, the first ever! I could get on board with that. But that doesn't appear to be the case.

I looked at our calender this morning, and he's just filled the festive period with trips out with his side of the family for us. Like seriously, we're at his sister's on 20th, his brothers on 21st, his dad's on 22nd, 23rd and 24th, his mum's on the 26th and 27th, and NYE. He's not even asked me. It's just been assumed that I'll drive us around the county all Christmas, (he doesn't drive).

What REALLY hurt though was that he decided yesterday that we'd be having Christmas with his mum and her OH. They're coming to ours apparently, so I guess I'll be in the kitchen all day.

I don't begrudge his family any time with my DS. I really like them and we all have such a good relationship. Plus, it's so so wonderful that my LO has so many family members around and I'm truly grateful for that! It's more than a lot of people have.

I just don't want my side of the family to be left with the dregs... They do so much for us, and they treat my OH like a son. I feel like I never see them anymore, and it's really getting me down.

In general we see his family every weekend. On the flip side though since having my LO, I can think of one Saturday where we've spent the afternoon with my parents, and my OH sulked for the whole time, and barely said two words to them. If I'm lucky I can snatch a couple of hours every other week or so where I see them alone with my DS if my OH is working. That's it though.

Talking to my partner about this will lead to arguments and I don't want a bad atmosphere around my son. What can I do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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ciderhouserules · 10/12/2018 09:37

Talking to my partner about this will lead to arguments and I don't want a bad atmosphere around my son. - it will lead to arguments, and you are now conditioned to NOT argue with him. Handy that, isn't it?
His family will 'self-combust?' No, they won't. It might lead to another argument, and you are conditioned to not argue, so - see point above. What can I do? - leave. He can still be a parent, he can still see his own family, without you there. Go back to your family, and get your head straight. He is abusive and controlling. He is getting a LOT more out of this relationship than you are.

You don't have many friends? I wonder why? Has he isolated you from them as well?

You 'don't deserve to be unhappy'? NO - you deserve to be Happy!

ciderhouserules · 10/12/2018 09:38

And what do you mean - 'when he wakes up'? It's half nine on a monday - why isn;t he awake? You have a baby - why isn't he up?

HeadfirstForHalos · 10/12/2018 09:39

I would 100% go to your parents for Christmas dinner, as for driving him everywhere? Not a chance!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Families General parenting

CloudPop · 10/12/2018 09:42

This isn't acceptable behaviour in any shape or form. Not sure what to suggest you do but this is really wrong - how come he gets to make all the decisions? Seems your Opinion is of no interest to him

EarlyModernParent · 10/12/2018 09:42

No friends? Then you really really need your family. I bet the real issue he has with them is that he doesn’t want you having a loving support system.
Just go to them on Xmas day. And don’t drive him around all holiday either. There needs to be give and take- negotiate so both of you get family time and rest time.

Branleuse · 10/12/2018 09:45

tell him you dont know why he invited his family around, when he knows your parents already invited you, and you are going there. Tell him hes welcome to go see his parents, but you are categorically not cooking this christmas. Oh and by the way, it looks like youve booked a lot of days out with your family. Hope he doesnt expect you to do them too, as you find them intolerable after an hour or two

sherrysfortea · 10/12/2018 09:45

I really think Christmas is the least of your issues

You need to have a serious talk about respect. Is there a specific reason that he doesn't like your family? It will be very hurtful to your parents to spend all that time with his family and not see them, doesn't he understand this?

The best solution would be to keep Christmas Day just the three of you and see relatives either side, but he's ruined that now by agreeing to things without consulting you.

roundaboutthetown · 10/12/2018 09:45

It sounds as though you are in a deeply flawed relationship where your OH organises what he wants and you run around after him like a little lap dog. Why do you do all the driving and all the cooking? What does your OH actually do??? Have you considered paying for driving lessons for the self-centred arsehole?

Woooman · 10/12/2018 09:46

If I'm lucky I can snatch a couple of hours every other week or so where I see them alone with my DS if my OH is working.

And this? Why can you only see them if your oh is working? Why can't you go and see them every week regardless of whether he works? It all sounds very unhealthy. You are being controlled and you don't even see it. You really need to get out of this relationship.

Nanalisa60 · 10/12/2018 09:46

Just say that you understand that your family are not his favourite people but that you love them and that you want him to go with you to see them Christmas Day!! Tell him it’s very unfair of him to make you choose between spending the day with him or your family, ask him how he would feel if you did that to him and his family. Tell him to grow up and stop being a selfish twat!!

namechange5575 · 10/12/2018 09:48

OP this is really sad. And probably very hard to hear. But it is pretty unanimous, this is an abusive relationship. Give yourself a bit of time to process things. The advice is generally to read 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, and to google the Freedom Program (can be done online), I'd also recommend reading through a few other long threads in the Relationships board. The process may take a while, but begin to allow yourself to consider that there may be a different future than the one you anticipated, and that it may be a lot better for you and your child in the long run.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 10/12/2018 09:51

Haven't read the whole thread just the first page, quite honestly I'd take your child and go and stay with your parents for the entire Christmas period to New Year so they get some quality time with you both. Leave him to see his family and as he doesn't drive he can get there under his own steam. Let him stew in his own juice, when you return you need to have a serious discussion about this very one sided relationship.

iLevictoiChete · 10/12/2018 09:55

this behavior is completely unacceptable. you should go to your parents on the 23rd and not leave till the 26th or 27th and let him pay for his own taxi service for the visiting he wants to do.

silentcrow · 10/12/2018 09:56

Ugh. This is where it starts, OP. You've had some great advice already but I want you to check two things: your finances and your essential paperwork (passports, birth certs, etc). Who controls the money? Who pays the bills? Who has access to your essential documents? Look at who pays for what and what your employment situations are.

Please read through www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/financial-abuse/ and see if anything applies to you. I'm not trying to be alarmist; I'm in the process of helping to extract a close relative from a coercive/financial control situation and everything you've said is a screaming red flag of what she went through without telling the rest of the family. Men get like this for all sorts of reasons but the age of your baby is another red flag to me - is your partner sulking because he's no longer the centre of attention?

cushioncovers · 10/12/2018 10:04

Oh op I feel for you. You're in an unfair/abusive relationship but you're fighting to deny it. I've been there. You shouldn't have to fight to be heard. It's up to you how long you tolerate it. Others will be able to see it they just won't comment on it IRL. Lots of good advice on here for you.

Girlofgold · 10/12/2018 10:06

Op listen to the advice here. That's really unacceptable behaviour from him. A militant 50/50 split of family time from now and reestablish your friendship group as a priority- you'll need them. And Never give up your job.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 10/12/2018 10:10

OP your thread title is "My partner won't let me see my family this Christmas". He is controlling. He thinks he can control what you do, make arrangements involving you without asking you, sulk and cause arguments to make you avoid upsetting him so he always gets his own way, you have to drive him around and entertain his family and you're not allowed to see yours, even on Christmas day?

It's really common for people to be in your situation without realising how abusive and controlling it is, because it creeps up on you and you tell yourself you love him and he loves you, so it can't actually be that bad. A lot of us have been there, really. But you do wake up, you are waking up now and posting this because you know deep down how massively unreasonable his behaviour regarding Christmas is.

When you look at the rest of his behaviour, you can see the pattern. Everything is hugely unfair, you het no time with your family and he gets loads, you do all the work, you have learned to squash down your feelings and needs to avoid him kicking off or sulking.

It's hard to address this all at once and make sudden changes, I know. But I do think you should go to your family for Christmas and also confide in them about all this. You can tell him "Actually I agree, I can take DC to my family for Xmas, and you can stay here with yours." Then go, ideally when he's not around. Yes his family want to see the baby, but they could if he was prepared to do give and have a reasonable arrangement for everyone. If you get on with his family, contact them directly to explain you need to see your own family this xmas - if they are nice they will totally understand that.

It is hard - the best outcome with a man like this is for you to get away from him, and I know that's scary and difficult. But remember you can find loads of support, understanding and practical advice on here to get you through it, if / when you are ready to leave.

gonzo77 · 10/12/2018 10:17

I would bet my last pound that if you told your family what is going on that they would do everything in their power to help you get away from this man.

Be kind to yourself, and your baby. Tell someone irl asap

KeysHairbandNotepad · 10/12/2018 10:21

Op , my exh was like your 'partner'. 12 years and 2 kids later , I left him.

The easiest way to hammer home the severity of your situation is to ask you this question - Can you happily live the rest of you life like this? It won't get better and he won't change. This is it for you until you decide to leave.

TokyoSushi · 10/12/2018 10:22

OH OP, this is terrible, he's controlling you and it's a form of abuse, it's just that you can't see it yet.

Please listen to the advice on this thread.

NotAColdWomanHenry · 10/12/2018 10:22

My partner however, has said no

Think about it this way OP. He's your partner, not your boss. You are equal partners. He doesn't just get to "say no" and rule the relationship and the family just because he's the big man - whatever he thinks.

You've been invited to your family's, who you don't see as often as you see his, so you can have a break on Xmas day and be looked after, not have to cook and enjoy being with your relatives. YOU get to say YES. If he can say no, why can't you say yes? He doesn't have more rights than you. if you want different things on xmas day and can't agree, it's fine for you to do different things and be with your own families. As you've seen your own family so much less than his, it's totally fair that they, your family, get Christmas with you and the baby.

badirene · 10/12/2018 10:37

“He's not controlling in any way other than this.” I would bet good money that he is, you just don't see it yet OP. You are in the bubble of defending him, not wanting to cause upset so just go along with what he wants, I bet he is a lovely partner as long as everything is the way he declares it has to be.

I am going to disagree with the other posters here who are telling you to go to your parents for Christmas. I think you should pack up your stuff and go and don't look back. No amount of talking to this man will make things "fair". He knows what he is at and he doesn't care that it hurts you to not see your family. I would also bet good money if you confided in family what is happening they would not be the least bit surprised.

JustGettingStarted · 10/12/2018 11:11

I'm curious to hear how the discussion went this morning.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2018 11:25

I don't expect this entitled arse is up yet

Horsewithnomane · 10/12/2018 12:12

When exactly did you decide to let him be the boss of you?

Early on in the relationship?

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