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Original poster

My partner won't let me see my family this Christmas

222 replies

AliceCherry · 10/12/2018 08:00

So, my parents have invited myself, my OH, and my LO (6 months old) over on Christmas day this year, (they only live 20 mins away). I would love this. I ADORE spending time with them, plus the idea of not cooking for a day is just bliss to me! My partner however, has said no because he can't stand being around my parents for more than 2 hours. I said that we could drive back early, or only spend a few hours there, but he's declined. He's said that my LO and I can go, and he'll stay at home alone, but obviously that's not an option.

I accepted this at first, thinking that maybe he just wanted a quiet Christmas with the three of us, the first ever! I could get on board with that. But that doesn't appear to be the case.

I looked at our calender this morning, and he's just filled the festive period with trips out with his side of the family for us. Like seriously, we're at his sister's on 20th, his brothers on 21st, his dad's on 22nd, 23rd and 24th, his mum's on the 26th and 27th, and NYE. He's not even asked me. It's just been assumed that I'll drive us around the county all Christmas, (he doesn't drive).

What REALLY hurt though was that he decided yesterday that we'd be having Christmas with his mum and her OH. They're coming to ours apparently, so I guess I'll be in the kitchen all day.

I don't begrudge his family any time with my DS. I really like them and we all have such a good relationship. Plus, it's so so wonderful that my LO has so many family members around and I'm truly grateful for that! It's more than a lot of people have.

I just don't want my side of the family to be left with the dregs... They do so much for us, and they treat my OH like a son. I feel like I never see them anymore, and it's really getting me down.

In general we see his family every weekend. On the flip side though since having my LO, I can think of one Saturday where we've spent the afternoon with my parents, and my OH sulked for the whole time, and barely said two words to them. If I'm lucky I can snatch a couple of hours every other week or so where I see them alone with my DS if my OH is working. That's it though.

Talking to my partner about this will lead to arguments and I don't want a bad atmosphere around my son. What can I do?

OP posts:

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TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/12/2018 09:06

Op, he loved you, he'd make the effort knowing you wanted to spend time with your family.

He's a prick. I certainly wouldnt be driving him all over to see his family.

CurlsandCurves · 10/12/2018 09:07

Read back your thread title to yourself, as if someone else had written it...

He ‘won’t let you’ see your own family.

Think about that. Then start making plans to get away from this controlling person.

MessyBun247 · 10/12/2018 09:08

He’s abusive OP. You can’t say how you feel or do what you want or he will punish you. It’s all about his needs and he has no regard for your feelings.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells and giving in to his demands?

You are allowed to be happy. You don’t need his permission. His feelings are not more important than yours. A healthy relationship is not meant to be like this.

Tell him straight, you are spending Xmas at your parents. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Then start getting things in order to leave because this will only get worse.

Good luck x

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Bekabeech · 10/12/2018 09:08

Sorry but:
He won't come with you to your parents on Christmas day. And he plays on your sympathy as he says you can go "but he will be all alone"; to make you turn down the invitation.
Then he has without asking you booked things with his family all Christmas time and these all involve you driving as he doesn't drive.
Then he invites his Mum over for Christmas day.

I think I would be packing the car and leaving to be honest.
He is manipulative, selfish and doesn't have any real care for you or your family.

HoustonBess · 10/12/2018 09:09

Most people are less than ecstatic to spend lots of time with in-laws. But usually the thought process is: I' can think of things I'd rather do - but I love my partner and want her to be happy - she wants to see her family and have their support, especially with a new baby - I'll go along and be polite and friendly for her sake.

There's something really wrong here, as others have said. He is not acting as if he has your best interests at heart, he's acting like he wants to isolate you and weaken your relationships with other people.

BertrandRussell · 10/12/2018 09:10

“He's not controlling in any way other than this.”

Really? Are you sure about that?

Potentialmadcatlady · 10/12/2018 09:10

This happened to me... years of it... one Christmas I had a three week old with serious health problems and his family sat in my living room while I cooked for them all day and was still up doing dishes until 4am with a baby stuck to my chest. I never did it again.
I divorced him and thank goodness I did because the his turn colours came out.
You are an adult. He is not your boss. Stand strong or it will get worse

MrsJane · 10/12/2018 09:14

Spend Christmas Day with your parents. He can do whatever he likes.

He wants to monopolise all your time and isolate you from your family. Very disturbing behaviour.

UnicornSlaughters · 10/12/2018 09:17

At best he's being incredibly selfish. At worst he's abusive and controlling.

I know this all must be very hard for you to read, especially with such a small baby, but you need to find the strength and courage to fight back now before you're completely isolated from your family. The writing is on the wall.

Take care x

Lovemusic33 · 10/12/2018 09:17

Go and see your family with the baby, leave him at home to cook dinner for his family. He sounds controlling, I’m sure lots of people don’t like their in-laws but they still visit them, he’s being a ass. You need to put your food down or you will end up never seeing your family and losing contact with them.

He’s happy to arrange things with his family and expects you to be there so why can’t he spend time with your family?

ReflectentMonatomism · 10/12/2018 09:18

It's just been assumed that I'll drive us around the county all Christmas, (he doesn't drive).

Why doesn't he drive? That's convenient, isn't it?

mimibunz · 10/12/2018 09:19

Everything about this is completely disfunctional. You have such deeper problems than who you spend Christmas with!

Deadringer · 10/12/2018 09:19

He is a cf. Go to your family on Xmas day. He is setting up all your future xmas's right now. Next year it will be, but 'we always have my family over'. Don't fall for it op, don't fall into the trap of always considering what he wants in the hope that he will do the same for you, he won't. It's your Christmas too, knock half of those occasions off the calendar and please, please see your family on Xmas day.

imamum21 · 10/12/2018 09:20

tell him if he wants a lift to see his family then he has to spend the day with yours, if not then tell him your parents are going to yours for xmas day instead,

oh and tell him to grow up

HouseworkIsASin10 · 10/12/2018 09:22

OP you really need to get a backbone, for your DC sake if anything.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 10/12/2018 09:23

I'm an easy going person, but I don't deserve to be unhappy.

The latter part of that statement is what he'll try to wear down, op. Be wary. It's great that you are still self-confident enough to say it now. Also, be aware that he may try to convince you that you're wrong and unreasonable for not being just as happy to see his family as your own - after all they're YOUR family too now, darling.....

isitisitwicked · 10/12/2018 09:23

Op this makes me really sad and actually really uneasy reading this. There has to be compromise and you have to stick up for yourself! What kind of example do you want to set for your child? Please be fair but firm and let us know how you get on

AuchAyeTheNo · 10/12/2018 09:26

Since your ‘booked’ in to see his family several days before Christmas, why dont you say ‘im really sorry but i had already agreed to go to my mums on christmas day’?

That way the blame can fall back on DP as he already knew. Not your problem if he doesnt tell his family that you and LO wont be there

Mishappening · 10/12/2018 09:28

Contact his parents and explain that you had already been invited to your parents and that is where you and baby will be on the day; and that you will return later to see them.

He has refused to go to your parents but has not given you the option to refuse all the visits from/to his family.

If you want to see your family on the day, then just take the baby and do it. He will have to feed his family.

You are going with what he wants to avoid trouble and thus taking all the burden on yourself. Let him do something to avoid trouble!

Trampire · 10/12/2018 09:29

Well, well hasn't he just got it made.

He refuses to see your family but also bet let you see them. You drive him everywhere and do all the cooking by the sounds of it. Any dissent from you results in him bad mouthing you to his family who readily believe it.

I know it's hard to hear (and even harder to to do something) but he is being abusive. This just isn't fair or normal whatsoever.

I don't particularly love my DH's family, however last year (because it was the first Xmas without my DF who died earlier in the year) DH agreed to gave my DM and my DN staying with us for over a week. This year, he's asked if we can host his Mum and Dad. I won't see my family until New Year. I'll hate it, but I'll gladly do it. Because it's give and take.

Btw, you could maybe ask fit this to be moved to Relationships? You'll maybe get s lot more advice there.

LannieDuck · 10/12/2018 09:32

Yep, he's isolating you from people.

Just tell him you want to spend as much time with your side of the family as with his. As such, you'll be taking LO to see your parents for an hour or two on Christmas day (he can stay home), and you're happy for him to entertain his family for the rest of Christmas day (make sure he hosts/cooks).

Similarly, you're happy for him to take LO to visit his family all around the country, but you'll stay home. What's good for him is good for you. This is an equal relationship afterall... isn't it?

MMmomDD · 10/12/2018 09:32

OP - you can just give in on this and put his family first for many years to come.
Until one day the resentment builds up. Or maybe it’ll just break you down - and you won’t mind anymore.

If you don’t want this to happen - you tell him that Xmas is a family holiday for ALL - not just his side of family. If you are a team - it has to be balanced.
Look at the calendar and see how that can be achieved.

Your need to avoid conflict is the worst thing there. You need to speak up for yourself.
And your LO too - it they’ll only grow up with one set of grand parents.
Is this what you want?

And - btw - why on earth does he not drive? And expects you to??
If there is an emergency and you can’t drive - then what????
You seem to have picked a selfish child for a partner.
Sorry.

Quartz2208 · 10/12/2018 09:32

This is bad OP he has isolated you from friends and family. You need to put a stop to it - go to your parents on your own and stay overnight. If his parents are there to see your LO so what they have seen him enough over the holidays.

He may not be controlling in others way but this way is huge - its bad and its abusive and its unfair. 24 weekends to 1 - no OP

Woooman · 10/12/2018 09:35

Don't put up with this crap. He sounds utterly horrible. You are ultimately sacrificing your relationship with your family for him. You are sacrificing your ds's relationship with your family for him.

He sounds controlling, unpleasant and selfish. You are being used to taxi him around all Christmas, cook dinner for his family, and spend all your time with his side of the family. You are allowing your family to be sidelined because you don't want to rock the boat and cause an atmosphere. In the nicest way possible (as someone who has also been in a controlling relationship) you need to grow a backbone and put your foot down. Well actually you need to leave him, but I'm assuming you're not going to do that, so instead you need to tell him which days over Christmas you are spending with your family and regardless of whether he comes with you or not you need to follow through with your plans and spend time with your family.

If you're scared about his families reaction to you and your ds not being there on Christmas Day then they are not good people either. Decent people would understand that you wanted to spend time with both sides and not hog the entire Christmas period. The fact that they would be so quick to judge your situation or be upset that you weren't around for one day over Christmas shows that they aren't as nice as you think. Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Escolar · 10/12/2018 09:37

OP this is absolutely awful and I can't believe you don't seem to be that angry about it. You sound hurt but resigned rather than angry.

Seriously, please don't let him get away with this. It is not fair on you, your DC or your parents (I would be devastated if I was them).

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