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Original poster

My partner won't let me see my family this Christmas

222 replies

AliceCherry · 10/12/2018 08:00

So, my parents have invited myself, my OH, and my LO (6 months old) over on Christmas day this year, (they only live 20 mins away). I would love this. I ADORE spending time with them, plus the idea of not cooking for a day is just bliss to me! My partner however, has said no because he can't stand being around my parents for more than 2 hours. I said that we could drive back early, or only spend a few hours there, but he's declined. He's said that my LO and I can go, and he'll stay at home alone, but obviously that's not an option.

I accepted this at first, thinking that maybe he just wanted a quiet Christmas with the three of us, the first ever! I could get on board with that. But that doesn't appear to be the case.

I looked at our calender this morning, and he's just filled the festive period with trips out with his side of the family for us. Like seriously, we're at his sister's on 20th, his brothers on 21st, his dad's on 22nd, 23rd and 24th, his mum's on the 26th and 27th, and NYE. He's not even asked me. It's just been assumed that I'll drive us around the county all Christmas, (he doesn't drive).

What REALLY hurt though was that he decided yesterday that we'd be having Christmas with his mum and her OH. They're coming to ours apparently, so I guess I'll be in the kitchen all day.

I don't begrudge his family any time with my DS. I really like them and we all have such a good relationship. Plus, it's so so wonderful that my LO has so many family members around and I'm truly grateful for that! It's more than a lot of people have.

I just don't want my side of the family to be left with the dregs... They do so much for us, and they treat my OH like a son. I feel like I never see them anymore, and it's really getting me down.

In general we see his family every weekend. On the flip side though since having my LO, I can think of one Saturday where we've spent the afternoon with my parents, and my OH sulked for the whole time, and barely said two words to them. If I'm lucky I can snatch a couple of hours every other week or so where I see them alone with my DS if my OH is working. That's it though.

Talking to my partner about this will lead to arguments and I don't want a bad atmosphere around my son. What can I do?

OP posts:
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MarthasGinYard · 10/12/2018 08:39

'I know he'd explain it in a way that made me look evil too. He's good at playing the victim in situations like that, and his family would lap it up.'

Awful

AnyFucker · 10/12/2018 08:41

He doesn't drive ?

Perfect again. Stop being his taxi service.

SilverDoe · 10/12/2018 08:42

Im sorry to keep posting on your thread OP but I just get the worse sense of your partner from your poor post. Would you tell your parents the reason why you don’t see them much? You’ve had a huge change in your life, a lovely new baby and suddenly you’ve been cut off from each other. Do they ever reach out to you? Ask you why, or do you just make excuses?

I think you’re definitely not going to confront him, tell him other people think this is abusive or even push your views on Christmas, because you’re scared to or you at least know he will manipulate and twist things to the point where it is pointless.

So what choice does that leave? Live your life like this forever and have your baby grow up within this hugely imbalanced relationship, or get out and have a healthy and happy life without some wanker who is going to huge active lengths to ensure you can’t have a good relationship with your own family Hmm

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Kazplus2 · 10/12/2018 08:42

So he can say no to one day with your family yet you can't say no to numerous days driving g around to see his family! Is there actually any day over the festive period that you get to relax and enjoy yourself. You can accept this and it will continue and never change or you can put your foot down now and I didn't upon a compromise. He doesn't need to come with you to your mum's for I stance but at least one day should be for you and your child to spend with them. Don't be a doormat!!!!

queenofgoogle · 10/12/2018 08:44

Talk to him. Ask him why it's ok to be at his families the entire Xmas break and not see yours at all.
And go to your family, you can speak to his mum yourself and tell her that you're going as your been invited so you're very sorry you won't be here for when they are.
Even if it's just a few hours and then you come back. If you have to then point out the calender to her to show how unfair it is.

Cherries101 · 10/12/2018 08:44

Go with your LO. Leave him alone.

Original poster
AliceCherry · 10/12/2018 08:45

Okay, I'll have a word with him whenever he wakes up this morning. I'm an easy going person, but I don't deserve to be unhappy. I don't want to look back on times like this with regret when my parents are old either.

In regard to the friends question: I honestly don't really have any anymore. I have acquaintances that I'll meet up with occasionally for a coffee/playdate for my son. That's it though. I wouldn't say I'm lonely though.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 10/12/2018 08:46

I think you are spectacularly missing the point. Before him did you have friends? Really look at why the situation has changed. What did he say/do when you were due to see friends/family?

famousfour · 10/12/2018 08:49

He sounds awful. Sorry.

Hiphopopotamous · 10/12/2018 08:50

I feel so bad for you OP. He's isolated you from your friends and family so you feel you have no support except for him and his family - therefore you cannot leave as you will have nothing.

Apart from it's not true at all, you can salvage the relationships and get away from him. Do it for your DC.

LovesLaboursLost · 10/12/2018 08:52

I bet he didn’t like your friends either, did he?

SilverDoe · 10/12/2018 08:53

In regard to the friends question: I honestly don't really have any anymore

This is what I thought you’d say :(

Are you honestly happy in this relationship? You say he’s only controlling with regards to your family but let’s be honest, a) that is bad enough on its own and b) there isn’t really a need (at the moment) for him to be controlling in any other way is there.

I just really hope you’re okay. I hope I’m completely wrong and he’s great but the way your post shows that he is over a long period of time, since your baby has been born, been actively against any contact with your parents despite them being lovely people, is such a huge red flag.

I hope having a word with him goes okay, keep posting for support Flowers Have you honestly talked about the fact that you want to see them but feel you’re being stopped, to your parents? What do you think they would say if they knew?

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 08:53

Yes, this is a definite abuse marker. What about friends, OP? Do you socialise with people who are not related to either of you? If so, are they all 'couple friends' or people your H knew before meeting you? Does he kick up and sulk if you want to see a female friend for a coffee?

I bet you are already quite accustomed to giving way over pretty much everything to avoid sulks and tantrums from this prick...

paintinmyhairAgain · 10/12/2018 08:54

you know you need to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship don't you? he doesn't love you despite what he might say / think.this is not a loving relationship, you and ds deserve so much more.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/12/2018 08:56

If you find that standing up to your partner has unpleasant consequences, or is frightening, then you have your answer: he is abusive. If he becomes aggressive or threatening - or actually does go so far as to give you a slap or a push, then you need to start making plans to get rid of him. Because this shit escalates.

Weenurse · 10/12/2018 08:56

You need to push back, show him the calendar and ask when are you seeing your family? Ask is it fair?
If he says it is not fair but he doesn’t care, look at other behaviour.
Is he trying to isolate you or is he just a dickhead who always puts his wants first. ( sorry, that is derogatory to dicks, most of those are nice).

olivertwistwantsmore · 10/12/2018 08:58

He's controlling an abusive what happend to your friends, OP? did your h sulk and make a fuss when you wanted to see them, until it was just too much trouble?

He's being COMPLETELY unfair and you should be raging.

Go to your parents with your LO for Xmas day and he can cook. If you get on with his family, message them:

'My parents invited us all for Xmas day. H doesn't want to go, and suggested I go and take LO, so that's what I'm doing. I know you won't miss me because I've seen you several times over Christmas - and I haven't had a chance to see my parents at all. Have a lovely day and see you soon.'

In a good relationship you should feel able to talk about anything without worrying about your h's reaction.

He's isolating you from your friends and family., Not normal, and a huge red flag.

Iloveacurry · 10/12/2018 08:59

He doesn’t sound very nice. He explains himself and makes me look evil .... Really? Also I didn’t have any friends ... why is that? He doesn’t drive ... but books up your diary over Christmas to see HIS family and you can taxi him around everywhere.

Listen to what you are saying.

SassitudeandSparkle · 10/12/2018 09:00

What did you do for Christmas last year, OP? Did you spend it with your parents?

Weenurse · 10/12/2018 09:00

What olivertwist said

ShatnersBassoon · 10/12/2018 09:00

All you're doing is meeting his needs. You're serving a purpose and nothing more.

Does your family have any idea of the control he has over you?

timeisnotaline · 10/12/2018 09:00

How do you not have an argument about this? By never seeing your family again and driving him wherever he wants and only seeing his family.is that really a good option showing your son a good relationship?
Go to your parents Christmas. Call his mum ‘I hope George explained I won’t be there? But I know he’s hoping to see family just about every single other day that week, at least if I’m not too tired to drive, so you should come along to one of those so we can see you!
Tell him if he kicks off or you get any evil looks from his family you won’t drive to any of his plans, and this is entirely his fault.
Think very seriously about this relationship. It’s not a good one. He’s not a nice person, he doesn’t care how you feel and it’s very unlikely he will change.

JustGettingStarted · 10/12/2018 09:01

I think you should visit your family on Christmas, too.

Weenurse · 10/12/2018 09:03

Leave him to cook for his family while you go to your family Christmas Day. You are running him to enough the rest of the time

AnyFucker · 10/12/2018 09:05

Don't wait for him to wake up so you can ask him nicely to reconsider

You are an adult. In charge of your own life. Aren't you ?