' Chronic overparenting'......is it something MNers recognize ?

[mozhe]

...and by that I mean the persistent/long term/almost obsessive preoccupation with providing ' perfection' for their DCs....

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?

Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ?

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?

And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' ?

God Anna, I agree with you. And it is interesting to speculate. But keep it to yourself.

And pot and kettle with regards to the provoking ...

meandmy - well, actually, I don't agree about the keeping it to myself.

I think that bullies are very dangerous. They dismiss other, vulnerable, people's feelings and make their lives a misery - in the case of MN, make them feel guilty/inadequate about the courses of action they follow - "you must work full-time" "it is better for children to be in childcare" etc.*

If you understand where those bullying tactics are coming from, you are less likely, in a vulnerable state, to be led into courses of action that are not appropriate for your life.

I have read this thread and many others to which mozhe has contributed. That post made you sound like more of a bully than her. She makes sweeping generalisations - you made extremely personal comments. There was something dispassionate and a little cruel about the way you carved up her personal references. It made me uncomfortable.

She made lots of personal comments at me, including this whole thread (which refers back to another personal comment she made directly at me, on another thread). She loves having a go, and she's very underhand about it. She's also, strangely (given the psy background), not very good at pulling information together about the people she directs her personal comments at.

Look, I'm not standing up for mozhe, I'm having a go at you - OK?

Wife swap anyone??

meandmy - OK .

But I don't think you should have a go at people who act in self-defence, and in defence of other, more vulnerable, people here on MN. People come here for help and to understand issues they face and make better personal decisions dependent on their circumstances, not to be bullied/coerced into courses of action or belittled for their life choices.

But was it a proportionate response Anna?

Anna - how do you know all of those things about Mohze? Do you know her personally? I think Mnet is a really good place to sound off about our beliefs and i think we are all good parents in our own way so of course we are going to be passionate but it shouldnt get personal.

The working mother debate will always go on and on, i do think that little ones need thier mums when they are little, thats my opinion. Saying that, i know plenty of working mums with wonderful happy children. I just think it depends on what works for each family. What i object to is people trying to justify their own situation by slating others.

lucy - purely from reading her responses to my posts .

I have a good memory though (SAHMdom hasn't rotted it yet).

And yes, I do - I have never started a thread personally directed at an MNer (read the OP).

meandmy - end of last post was reply to you.

The OP was a follow-on from a very nasty (though misinformed) personal attack at me...

"Anna....you have a condition I call 'chronic over parenting'......imo as damaging, in the long term, as neglect. It is very, very controlling....."

Mozhe, 14 June

What personal attack on you Anna ?
I have asked for your post of 12.38,( the one relating to my mother ), to be removed. I think that is all I want to say about it.

Mozhe - the one beneath - directly related to the OP of this thread.

You don't think starting a whole thread based on a personal attack is "having a go"?

it's official. she started it. in every sense.

OK. Her comment was also unkind and uncalled for. But to retaliate in kind?

"If she jumped off a cliff, would you?"- and other things my mother would say - and none of your amateur psychonanalysis thank you!

Ooh - an extra 'n' crept in there.

And mozhe too, while I was typing incorrectly...

I did not respond at all to the original attack.

I played the game on this thread, responded to it rationally, and didn't get any response to that conversation from Mozhe.

Why start this thread, based on a personal attack, and then not respond to the quite rational and interesting discussion?

Mozhe doesn't want reasoned debate.

I have to say, i really rather liked the original post, it made me chuckle because i see this all the time, i think i prefered the term overcompetitive parenting though. Its out there all the time, fecking french classes on a saturday morning near where i live - for god sake, poor little sods have been at school trying to revise for their SATs all week, give them some time off - and so fecking what if my DD has chocolate and crisps from time to time, organic rice cakes taste like shit! I cant see how this is a personal attack.

So then you leave it.

Feeling superior.

Or frustrated and spoiling for a fight, but either way you leave it.

IME (and in an attempt to make this trend more general rather than personal) it is working mums like me that are more likely to be guilty of chronic overparenting. you feel so guilty that your dcs are missing out that you overcompensate. the day to day structure of your work and their nursery makes you less able just to be with your children

No.

I waited, and waited, to see whether Mozhe would join in the rational conversation.

But she didn't.

So then I wrote a slightly provocative post (about reading novels) and she responded AT ONCE.

I just wanted to prove (to myself) what I had suspected all along - Mozhe only wants provocation and fights and opportunities to display her superiority.

Anna, you are mistress of the self-congratulatory post .

Anyway, provoking with comments about novels is one thing, comments about her relationship with her late mother are quite another.

People should make personal attacks against you, but it works both ways.

Yikes!

shouldn't

Apologies...

witchandchips, thankyou for an frank and honest post about being a working mum, it is ok to admit to feeling shite about wanting to spend more time with your children, the same as it is ok to wonder sometimes, as a SAHM if i am setting us up for a fall financially and of course what will i do when she flies the nest etc etc. i get really cross when people try and portray being a working mum as a wonderful thing, yes its great but it must be really blood hard to - i admire working mums, i could never be that organised.