' Chronic overparenting'......is it something MNers recognize ?

[mozhe]

...and by that I mean the persistent/long term/almost obsessive preoccupation with providing ' perfection' for their DCs....

Do you think this is something you are prone to ?

Is it more likely to occur in parents of first/only children ?

More likely in previously high achieving SAHMS ?

And what do you understand by the term ' benign neglect ' ?

Each to her own. Why start pointing fingers at other people's parenting.
I am sure none of you aim neglect or overparent your children.

IMO parents with one child or many children can choose how to behave. They all generally have their children's best interests at heart. What we need is to encourage more community interest too.

First time I saw the term 'benign neglect' I thought 'cool, like the sound of that' ... unfortunately the context it was in (waaaay before it appeared on here) was about giving your child everything material (stuff, plus classes, holidays etc) but neglecting them emotionally.

It sounds much more to me like it should be about leaving your child to experiment with water and various pots whilst being online oneself ...

yesmyname - housework, laundry, shopping and cooking are much better than silly plastic sorting toys or baby classes at getting their brains in gear, I quite agree.

I am somewhere in the middle of the 'benign neglect' and 'overparenting' spectrum'

Yes, Zookeeper ! First came across it pre-children when I lived in NY for a short time..a colleague couldn't come for an after work drink because her daughter was having a ' playdate '..naively perhaps I assumed it was some form of play therapy !! I later investigated and discovered it was just ' another kid coming over to play ' with knobs on !!! ie; set begining and end times, activities laid out, snacks ordered etc...he kids were 18 months old !!!!!

Benign nelect ? To me it means balancing the adult's and children's needs, and sometimes the adults come out on top...Allowing children to develop and lead lives of their own....what do you think ?

The playdate thing is complicated in big cities. Parents have really busy schedules and children can't get themselves around and about on their own.

When I was a little girl, there was never a time when I didn't have neighbours to play with casually - no pre-arrangements needed. But in big cities with mostly working parents, no gardens etc playdates get scheduled and activities organised or else nothing happens.

Much easier for we SAHMs who congregate casually in the park during the working day. Our children get a better play deal - more friends, more play and much more freedom.

If benign neglect can be extended to attitude towards housework as well as children - then I am queen of that!

My children are not always dressed in matching ironed outfits (actually make that never!!) and often are running about naked and covered in felt -tip (see my thread on that) - but I make sure they are well fed and rested and try not to let them watch too much beebies... I think that may well be benign neglect or at least on that spectrum!! It is important to let them get bored - thats when they decide to do the most creative things (like turn themselves into tigers by drawing tiger stripes on themselves - oh well)... does that help?

bigmouth - my daughter spends most of her time naked . We went over to my sister's house on Wednesday and she and her children had got dressed specially because we were coming over (with my partner and stepsons - not sure she'd have bothered with clothes just for me and my daughter )

i dont get all this 'playdate' stuff myself.isnt that just choosing your child's friends for them?or is it just a poncey way of saying '(dc)'s best friend is coming round for tea tonight'?

i constantly see 'over-parenting',like parents getting involved in playground squabbles by saying things like 'now,(x),give him the ball back and say sorry' before a fight has even broken out.i think this sort of thing is detrimental to a childs development,as they will never learn to sort things out for themselves.

Oh I was very much benignly neglected by my career-driven mother (cue violins please...) OK, I exagerate a little, but my mum was usually simply too busy to entertain us much at weekends and when she came home shattered after work. So yes, she took us to a few activities (riding, ballet etc) but most of the time we were left to our own devices.

I think in a way it benefited me quite a bit. Although I would love to have more memories of baking fairy cakes and playing shops with her, I will also admit that boredom made me highly resourceful and pretty imaginative! So many of my childhood memories consisted of playing on my own or with my brother.

I have no fear of being alone, I really, really enjoy my own company (crave it in fact) and I'm sure quite a it of this is due to my upbringing.

Bigmouth - I totally agree with your post. And I love your name too, funnily enough I was listening to the song this morning!

MissJHD - I think that you can be "benignly neglected" (but I don't like the term, it is not expressive enough for me) by both a WOHM and a SAHM, and "over-parented" by both too. But I don't think it is entirely up to the parents - much, much harder to "benignly neglect" children in a modern car-dependent suburb of blocks of flats and no gardens than in a village with houses and gardens and neighbours you can drop in on casually.

Anna, my nanny does that too so DCs of working mums get that experience too !!
Actually I do it too ! at evenings and weekends...last week met a mum who was at med school with me!! at playground....we didn't recognize each other initially , but gravitated toward each other speaking english !!

I've read lots about it newspaper articles but never met anyone who does it. The word playdate irritates me, it's the word not the action that makes me uggghhhh.

When they're at school and choosing their own friends then it's having a friend over for tea. When they're toddlers & pre-schoolers then it's a case of - parents get together to drink coffee, eat biscuits whilst the children are plonked in a room together out of sight and hopefully earshot.

It's really hard to get a nounou here in Paris that does anything sensible with the children . My partner raves about his sons' first nounou (and I've heard friends of his be very complimentary too) because she actually played with the children rather than sticking them in a playpen or in front of the TV.

I'm sure that children of WOHMs can get all those experiences too, with good child carers, but in my experience and observation, the children of SAHMs here in Paris get a much better deal on the casual fun and just-pottering-about-and-learning-from-life front, and their mothers talk to them more too.

There are so many types of parent... but surely, what any thinking parent wants in the early years, is for his/her child to be in an environment where he/she can naturally and without pressure blossom to his/her full genetic potential?

Thank you MisJHD (The Smiths made great singalong music for the kids).

Anna I am glad i am not the only mum with nudist children - my mother disapproves if the kids are not dressed when she comes over but it makes no sense to me if the weather is mild - I do cover them up in public btw

Bigmouth - don't they just - found it v funny to hear dd1 (3) singing along to 'Girlfriend in a coma' once.

(Excuse hijack everyone.)

bigmouth - my mother (usually silently) is mildly disapproving of my sister's and my laisser-faire tendencies - when we stay at her house she does ask us to refrain from simultaneously breast feeding our naked toddlers in full view of the postman .

I had an artist over to draw a picture of my daughter naked a few months back - the artist herself had lived naked until she was 8 with her very bohemian artist parents - SUCH a nice girl

I do think it is easier to be easy going outside the city - but I was living in a suburb of London and spent much more time in the parks and casually meeting mums there with the kids - the parks near me (Hither green/ Blackheath) were well maintained and managed - visible park wardens kept teenagers well behaved.

Here in the sticks the parks are poorly looked after and taken over by teens in eve/ weekends leaving broken glass and vandalised play equipment - I hardly see people using the parks and so children are isolated in their own gardens - at least until they are school age (I hope things wil improve then)... but I am beginnning to see the point of playdates here!

Miss J - Girlfriend in a coma does have a lovely bouncy tune Some girls are bigger than others is popular roound 'ere - in fact you have inspired me too turn off the radio and get my cd's out.

Mozhe lol at your definition of playdate.

There are more definitions that set my teeth on edge too - Attachment parenting (whatever that is) baby-lead weaning, co-sleeping etc etc. How did we all survive without them?

It all just seems so precious

I'm working on the definition of "benign neglect" but it certainly will involve an inordinate amount of Cbeeebies

Moral panic bollocks.