Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

4 week old and my partner is vile

206 replies

5moreminzzz · 28/03/2018 10:55

I just don't know what to do.
Had a horrible argument with OH last night, it all stemmed from me asking if we were going to be staying at his mums till late... which was a really bad thing to ask apparently and then me commenting because his back tyre needed blowing up and he was happy to drive like this so I made him take me and baby home and didn't go to his mums. I thought he'd of came home and it would of been okay, but it wasn't 🙁
He came home not speaking a word to me, just sulking about, I then heard him go upstairs to bed. I followed him up, he said I'm going to bed really angrily. I asked am i not getting a break today then ( I am bf and literally had held baby all day) he then kicked off saying I was a joke and hardly do anything just sit there all day! I asked so am i doing a bad job??! Told me how his mum looks after his baby nephew, has the place spotless and still does tea etc.
This really upset me as I'm trying my best. He then followed me down stairs (half thought he was coming to say sorry) shouting and swearing me that I have 2 weeks to get rid of the dog 😢 said if I don't he taking the baby. I feel devastated by all this.
We've only been together 2 years, I've had my dog for 8 and can't imagine not having him. Also being told basically I'm not a good mum/oh just feel like I wanna get in the car and drive far far away 😢

OP posts:
5moreminzzz · 08/04/2018 10:44

I haven't been cooking his tea. Hes been coming over and we've been having tea together, he's brought it or cooked.
I know I shouldnt of, hv did kinda made me think it could be because of all the change and that he might be depressed so I tried to be nice and understanding if it was that... I know now that was wrong, hindsight is a great thing.
My mum is coming today so going to discuss everything and report it with her

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 08/04/2018 10:46

It all sounds very stressful. And I wouldn't like a dog in a house with a newborn baby. I wouldn't pay any attention to silly threats about taking the baby. That just sounds ridiculous and immature. I agree that his Mum sounds a total pain as well. I don't think I'd stay with him under these circumstances. He should be helping out not behaving like a silly tantrumming toddler.

DevilsDoorbell · 08/04/2018 11:09

Take photos of the door and make a list of all the things he’s done said. Report to the police. Today.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Mix56 · 08/04/2018 12:23

You get the baby to sleep, you pick up your phone & call 101, (non emergency) you tell them you are a young mother with a tiny baby & are be subjected to domestic Violence, & that last night he smashed a door in & was violent to your family pet.
they will note it, & tell you they will send round an officer/s to talk to you & get details.
You MUST get this on record. it is the start to getting yourself protection both physically & with regards to contact & the baby's protection.
because tis is going to CONTINUE.

Mellifera · 08/04/2018 18:58

I hope you did what mix said.

You HAVE to report it to 101. You WILL regret it if you don‘t.

Please listen to what everyone on here is saying and don‘t let your mum or anyone persuade you your relationship can be fixed. He is abusive, he has damaged the door, it could be your face next.

Do something. Your daughter will thank you when she is older.

mathanxiety · 08/04/2018 19:28

Don't let your mum talk you out of reporting this to the police.

A non-molestation order is a court order issued by a judge and signed by him or her, directed at a person who is considered by the court to be a danger to a specific other person (in your case, you, and potentially the baby). The order is delivered to the dangerous individual by an officer of the court.

It basically orders the dangerous person to stay away from the other person and not to contact her. If he tries to approach you or communicate with you while the order is in place, you need to call police to notify them and they will begin to enforce consequences for defiance of the court.

While the order is in place, the police are required to prioritise any calls from you.

I have a cousin who is a police photographer. She takes photos of crime scenes. Believe me, the police would far prefer to have this sort of order in place than to find a seriously injured (or worse) mother, baby or pet in your home.

From the Women's Aid website:
"A non-molestation order is aimed at preventing your partner or ex-partner from using or threatening violence against you or your child, or intimidating, harassing or pestering you, in order to ensure the health, safety and well-being of yourself and your children..."

"...Under new legislation, a breach of a non-molestation order is now a criminal offence; however, you should still be able to take your abuser back to the civil court for breaking the order, if you prefer this."

You really, really need to call Women's Aid as well as the police.
0808 2000 247.
Leave a message if you get a machine response.
They will call you back if you give them your number and good times to call.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/domestic-violence-injunctions/#A%20non-molestation%20order
This is from the RIghts of Women website:
"A non-molestation order"

"A non-molestation order is a kind of injunction which can protect you and any relevant child from violence or harassment. You can obtain a non-molestation order against someone who has been physically violent or against someone who is harassing, intimidating or pestering you. You can apply for a non-molestation order even if you still want to (or have to) live with your abuser."

"Examples of what a non-molestation order might include:"

"Your abuser must not be violent, threaten violence, intimidate, pester or harass you
Your abuser must not contact you by telephone, email, social media or in person
Your abuser must not attend or contact for any reason your place of work"

"When deciding whether to grant a non-molestation order the court will consider all of your circumstances, including the need to secure the health, safety and well-being of you and any children. You therefore need to show the court how your health, safety or well-being or that of your children would be at risk if you are not granted the order."

If you own the home or the tenancy to the home in your sole name, you are not married to your abuser and your abuser has no legal entitlement to your home then the non-molestation order can also stop your abuser from coming to the home. Otherwise, if you want to stop the abuser from coming to your home then you need to apply for an occupation order."

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/
Rights of Women website again:

This group offers phone consultation on your legal rights.
Unfortunately their lines will be closed on Monday 9 April but open again on Tuesday.
Please call -
For women in England and Wales:
020 7251 6577
Monday – Thursday 7pm – 9pm
Friday 12pm – 2pm

For women in London:
020 7608 1137
Monday 11am-1pm, Tuesday 2pm – 4pm
Wednesday 2pm – 4pm
Thursday 2pm – 4pm

You need to act, to stop trusting, and to stop hoping things will blow over or improve.

mathanxiety · 08/04/2018 19:30
  • I don't think the London number is closed on Monday, if you are in the greater London area.
Mix56 · 08/04/2018 20:11

5moreminzzz.
have you reported this ? if not, really there is no more point in any of us assuring you it is the only action.
Is your Mum is giving you the "everyone has tiffs, having a new baby is trying" talk...... ?

Ewanthesheep · 08/04/2018 22:10

OP just think of your baby. If he's become voilent already then there's already the possibility of him becoming more voilent to you or your baby. Call the police if he arrives at a un-agreed time or becomes hostile. Get this on record. Please please please. For your little ones sake and your own. Don't waste any more time. Hope to hear from you soon. If this was a friend I'd be extremely worried for their safety! As I am for you so please let us know how you are soon!

Ewanthesheep · 08/04/2018 22:15

Also as you've said there is no reason you can't keep your family pet. We have a dog and keep them separate when I can't keep 100% of my attention on them together. Even then they don't get close. Only in the same room. You never know. But it's no reason to take your baby if the dog has never shown signs of aggression.

A"friend" has a dog that has bitten many people and the children before. Idiots still allow the dog by the children but still no one has threatened to remove the children if they don't remove the dog. So word against his Is more than enough. Only at the the hospital they said if it happened more that twice the dog would be removed or social services would be involved etc.

5moreminzzz · 08/04/2018 22:57

Thanks for everyone's support on here!

Spent the afternoon with my mum and her partner taking my mind off things.
(my mum would definitely not class this as a tiff @Mix56)
Called police when I got home. They're coming to speak to me tomorrow.
Have told him he's not allowed to come here after last night, have everything on tx to prove what's happened too

OP posts:
spacecadet48 · 08/04/2018 23:48

5moreminzzz glad you have called the police. Sounds like you had a nice day with your mum too.

Waspsarewankers · 09/04/2018 00:08

Please please see this through. He isn't going to change back to his nice version. I mean he might in the short term to get you onside or easier access to the baby but long term this is who he is and this is what you will need to deal with if you keep allowing him in.
By reporting his violence you are also helping your own case for the future should he want to ever challenge you for full custody.
I know it's hard but report report report and get yourself dome legal advice from a family solicitor asap. The facts that relate to you and your partner will help you avoid being manipulated further by him. Knowledge is power. It will be much harder for him to mess with your head and make threats thst worry you. Also, play your cards closer to your chest. Don't tell him you plan to do xyz see a solicitor eye etc.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2018 03:03

Well done.

Now call Women's Aid too.

And Rights For Women for legal help if you are in London - Rights For Women have a free helpline. If not in London, wait until Tuesday.

Mix56 · 09/04/2018 08:17

Well done, it is a big decision, this person has gone from being the man you loved, & wanted a baby with, to a bullying thug.
can you jot down the major issues, his threats, his behaviour. so that you have a clear idea of the Domestic violence you are receiving.
Threatening behaviour, when you were feeding
threatens to remove baby
hole in the door
does he drink/do drugs ?
any example of emotional abuse. (it is now a crime)

spacecadet48 · 09/04/2018 10:12

Mix56 definitely agree about jotting down the issues. Really helps focus the mind and ensures the police get the full picture.

EllenRipley · 09/04/2018 19:18

Well done OP! I wish you and your wee one the very best x

spacecadet48 · 10/04/2018 00:10

5moreminzzz how did it go today?

5moreminzzz · 10/04/2018 15:00

Was okay, got it all logged.
Policeman was only young and did say I was right to report it. He also threw the suggestion out there of PND! Said he's not saying it's that but it does happen.

OP posts:
spacecadet48 · 10/04/2018 16:39

So he thinks your OH behaviour is down to you having PND?

5moreminzzz · 10/04/2018 17:08

No suggesting he could have it!!
HV had suggested the same.
Everything a woman goes thru having a baby and hormones all over the place, body still recovering, sleepless nights cos responsibility isn't shared and I'm meant to think he could have PND!!

OP posts:
AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 10/04/2018 17:24

he could have PND

Chances are he's just an utter knobhead though.

spacecadet48 · 10/04/2018 17:53

5moreminzzz I just spat out my coffee. Confused him having PND! I have heard it all now.....

spacecadet48 · 10/04/2018 17:54

Has your OH been in touch since you told him not to come round ?

GeekyWombat · 10/04/2018 18:57

When they say PND could they mean ‘post natal dickhead’? Cause that sounds more likely to me!