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Original poster

4 week old and my partner is vile

206 replies

5moreminzzz · 28/03/2018 10:55

I just don't know what to do.
Had a horrible argument with OH last night, it all stemmed from me asking if we were going to be staying at his mums till late... which was a really bad thing to ask apparently and then me commenting because his back tyre needed blowing up and he was happy to drive like this so I made him take me and baby home and didn't go to his mums. I thought he'd of came home and it would of been okay, but it wasn't 🙁
He came home not speaking a word to me, just sulking about, I then heard him go upstairs to bed. I followed him up, he said I'm going to bed really angrily. I asked am i not getting a break today then ( I am bf and literally had held baby all day) he then kicked off saying I was a joke and hardly do anything just sit there all day! I asked so am i doing a bad job??! Told me how his mum looks after his baby nephew, has the place spotless and still does tea etc.
This really upset me as I'm trying my best. He then followed me down stairs (half thought he was coming to say sorry) shouting and swearing me that I have 2 weeks to get rid of the dog 😢 said if I don't he taking the baby. I feel devastated by all this.
We've only been together 2 years, I've had my dog for 8 and can't imagine not having him. Also being told basically I'm not a good mum/oh just feel like I wanna get in the car and drive far far away 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
5moreminzzz · 03/04/2018 17:08

I'm okay thanks @spacecadet48

My mum is supportive, not as much as I'd like though. I know she wouldn't spend the night here, would love if she did.

Not sure how I'm going to manage long term with a dog and a baby on my own. He's used to 3 walks a day (realisation of this has hit home when I've tried to do this) Feel like I'm being forced into a decision I don't want to make, wish I had people I could rely on closer to home. This whole thing is just getting me down and I just want to concentrate on my baby and be happy for her.
Health visitor is tomorrow, not sure how much detail I should go into with her and what help it'll be by doing so?

OP posts:
JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2018 18:05

It’s not unusual to feel down when you have a newborn, let alone with what you are going through.

I wouldn’t make any decisions on the dog yet. Have you managed to get a wrap for the baby and have you tried walks that way? Have you considered joining borrow my doggy and seeing if you can get someone to walk him for you?

Also, a lot of people are saying to change the locks. Have you managed to sort it yet? Maybe you’re DM coukd come over for a couple of hours tomorrow while you phone the Police to report his threats, phone the DV numbers posted earlier and call a locksmith?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 03/04/2018 18:06

And I’d die definifelty tell the HV that he’s left and is threatening to take your baby.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting
Dragongirl10 · 03/04/2018 19:31

hi op, sorry you are feeling down, its pretty tiring with a 4 week old but it does get easier......l think there are sites where you can post you would like somone to walk your dog for you, is your dog easy and calm? if so you may be able to get someone retired to do the midday walk.....

Don't worry too much, a few weeks of reduced walks whilst you sort yourself out is not the end of the world for your dog.

Most importantly you need to protect yourself, please speak freely to HV...

GreenItWas · 03/04/2018 19:38

OP stop talking ot him about the dog or anything else. He is manipulating you completely. Bin the fucker off. You have your lovely DMum to help you. Life will be so much easier without this turd in your life. There is a way with everything in life and the dog is a non issue.

Shutupanddance1 · 03/04/2018 19:51

Hope you’ve blocked his number from your phone and told him that the only contact you will have with him is through a dedicated email address.

Get a sling (try a nearby sling library), small walks getting out with doggie and with the baby will be good for your mental health, good for baby to get out in fresh air as well.

Change your locks on your door, ignore that man- child and let him keep his thoughts to himself.

We women are built of sterner stuff - we birth, nourish and feed babies with our own bodies. You can do this.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2018 20:19

Threats to a pet or to get rid of a pet are red flags for abuse.

Leave, take your baby and your dog, and go somewhere safe - family, friends.

Don't hang around second guessing this. You are not safe.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2018 20:33

I missed a page - stay strong!

He does not care about you, about the baby, or about the dog.

He has brought up the dog 'issue' because he knows it causes you anguish and because if you give in it will show him the power he has over you. He will keep on cracking the whip after that - it will not end with the dog.

His reference to buying your maternity clothes shows his contempt for you, a lot of anger towards you personally, and anger towards women as a class. He thinks your relationship should be all about what you do for him. He thinks women are beneath him and their concerns contempt worthy.

The references to his tea and cleaning are in the same vein - his opinion of what he is entitled to, and no concern for your welfare.

He deeply resents the fact that you are breastfeeding (aka sitting around all day) not because the house is a tip, which it is not, but because your attention is on the baby. He is jealous.

Has he actually left?

If not, he must leave. Please call the police if he ever again says he will take the baby and you must choose between baby or dog. Legal advice my arse - he is trying to bully you.

And call Women's Aid TODAY.

This man is completely unreasonable, and dangerous.

Tiredemma · 03/04/2018 20:44

He sounds horrendous. Please get rid of him.

sashh · 04/04/2018 07:11

Tell the HV everything.

Keep strong and you know there will always be someone here.

VileyRose · 04/04/2018 07:25

Hi. Tell HV the truth. Mine helped so muc with referrals. Women's aid can get you a independent worker. You don't have to go to a refuge. They can help with legal advice.

100% he won't take your baby. My ex was the same. Its just trying to break you with fear.

Don't get rid of your dog. My ex kept our boxer when I left and I miss her so much.

PhuntSox · 04/04/2018 08:28

Every day you will get stronger!

Flowers

skukuza · 04/04/2018 08:32

Hi OP, I hope you are ok. Regarding your dog could you use a website like borrowmydoggy to find someone to help walk him for a bit? Even if it was just a couple of times a week it would help give you a bit more time.

mathanxiety · 04/04/2018 08:45

As your baby gets older and a nap schedule is established, you will probably be able to manage the dog walking better. Cut it down to twice a day.

DeadButDelicious · 04/04/2018 09:11

Can you get a dog walker? My SIL's takes the dogs out in groups so they get a lot of mental stimulation interacting with other dogs and a good walk too. Might be an idea in the short term while you find your feet?

I know it all seems insurmountable right now but it's going to be ok. This bastard has tried to manipulate and abuse you when you are probably at your most vulnerable. Trying to get you to get rid of the dog is a control tactic. Don't fall for it.

You own your home, you aren't married. You can get a reasonably clean break from this sorry excuse of a man. Change the locks and insist on only supervised contact. Let your HV know about the situation. You've got this OP. It may not feel like it but you do. Thanks

GreenItWas · 04/04/2018 10:12

Yes OP, PPs are right, the fact you aren't married to him means you have wings. Unfurl them, stretch 'em out and have a good flap! You will feel so much better when you realise you can fly!

grandplans · 04/04/2018 10:27

Check out the Borrow My Doggy website www.borrowmydoggy.com

You might be able to find someone local to help walk the dog.

It matches together people who have dogs with people who want to walk dogs.

We walk three lovely little dogs for a really nice neighbour we met through this website. I don't want the hassle of owning a dog right now but we really enjoy the walks. The owner's recovering from an op so can't walk them as much as she'd like.

It took us a while from joining to find the right match, so it may not be an instant solution but certainly worth knowing about.

As with any service where you're meeting strangers treat with caution! Meet any interested walker in the park not at home to see if they're a good fit for you and your dog.

grandplans · 04/04/2018 10:29

Oops I see it's already been mentioned upthread!

A paid dog walker sounds like a great solution in the short term to take some stress off you.

grandplans · 04/04/2018 10:34

Definitely tell the health visitor he's left.

If it was me I'd explain to the HV everything about how he's been shouting and started to become controlling. That he's not nice to you.

I'd mention the dog but without the context it could be interpreted as someone with a reasonable concern - which is not what's going on here.

FuckMyUterus · 04/04/2018 10:42

XJerseyGirlX what awful, incorrect info. If OP is in the UK, and her partner is on the BC, he can take the baby wherever he likes for however long he likes (within the UK) and the police, nor SS can do anything unless the baby is in immediate danger. She would have to go to court for an emergency hearing go regain custody. The threat of taking the child is a really serious one and needs to be treated as such. I would recommend the OP gets a residency order ASAP to prevent this happening.

MotherofTerriers · 04/04/2018 10:45

I had dogs with both my DC, and it was fine - walked miles and miles round the woods with a deerhound and a terrier and a baby in a sling/toddler in a backpack
Shorter/fewer walks will do no harm for a few weeks while you find your feet - especially if you have a garden your dog can access
Ask your mum for help and look at joining local mum's groups - it would give you some RL friendship and support. Your HV should be able to give you details.
You will be fine, you can do this

JiltedJohnsJulie · 04/04/2018 12:45

How are you today @5moreminzzz? Has he been in touch again?

mathanxiety · 05/04/2018 05:02

The threat of taking the child is a really serious one and needs to be treated as such. I would recommend the OP gets a residency order ASAP to prevent this happening.

This^^
With bells on.

Original poster
5moreminzzz · 08/04/2018 00:04

Should of listened to you all the other day!

We ended up talking after this. He was staying at his mums but we were okay with each other and has been coming round every night to see the baby and having tea together.
Then, tonight cos I 'moan' we could of spent the day doing something instead of him just coming in the night starts really kicking off saying he does enough! Dog runs over cos he's shouting and he literally dragged the dog to his bed shouting at him, then again when he moved scared. I stood up terrified he was gonna hurt the dog then he stormed out and punched a hole in the door, asking why I'm looking scared!! All this while I'm standing there breastfeeding!
How the hell can someone change so much! I had never saw this side of him before the baby!
Don't want to let him see the baby now but feel he's gonna make my life hell if I don't.
Wish I hadn't put him on the birth certificate!

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 08/04/2018 00:21

In your shoes I'd cut all ties. Change the locks and keep him away from both of you. Contact the police (101) as he's caused damage to your property and let them know that you're scared what he may be capable of against you and your baby.