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Original poster

4 week old and my partner is vile

206 replies

5moreminzzz · 28/03/2018 10:55

I just don't know what to do.
Had a horrible argument with OH last night, it all stemmed from me asking if we were going to be staying at his mums till late... which was a really bad thing to ask apparently and then me commenting because his back tyre needed blowing up and he was happy to drive like this so I made him take me and baby home and didn't go to his mums. I thought he'd of came home and it would of been okay, but it wasn't 🙁
He came home not speaking a word to me, just sulking about, I then heard him go upstairs to bed. I followed him up, he said I'm going to bed really angrily. I asked am i not getting a break today then ( I am bf and literally had held baby all day) he then kicked off saying I was a joke and hardly do anything just sit there all day! I asked so am i doing a bad job??! Told me how his mum looks after his baby nephew, has the place spotless and still does tea etc.
This really upset me as I'm trying my best. He then followed me down stairs (half thought he was coming to say sorry) shouting and swearing me that I have 2 weeks to get rid of the dog 😢 said if I don't he taking the baby. I feel devastated by all this.
We've only been together 2 years, I've had my dog for 8 and can't imagine not having him. Also being told basically I'm not a good mum/oh just feel like I wanna get in the car and drive far far away 😢

OP posts:
GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 31/03/2018 05:07

Honestly, if you got rid of the dog, he'd just find something else to threaten you with. Because it's not about the dog, it's about him controlling you.

Please get rid of him instead. Singke parenthood may not be easy, but surely dealing with his shite is a damn sight worse?

DeathByGlamour · 31/03/2018 05:48

Can you call your mum later on OP? You said she had been in an abusive relationship so she can relate. Might make you feel better to have some support, even if it is just over the phone x

Original poster
5moreminzzz · 31/03/2018 08:23

He says he loves the dog but it's an accident waiting to happen (not sure why leaving me makes that better, he's just left)
Think he just doesn't love me and this is an easy excuse. Told me last night the only time he's happy is when he gets into bed ( even though he told me earlier this week he wants to marry me)
Just can't believe how wrong I got him.

OP posts:

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bedtimestories · 31/03/2018 08:48

Didn't want to read and run. Could your mum come and stay with you for a few nights? I'm sure your life will be so much easier without an abusive partner even with a newborn. ThanksThanksThanks

Original poster
5moreminzzz · 31/03/2018 08:55

I might ask her, hopefully she can.
Heads banging from crying so much x

OP posts:
RoxetteSkyWalker · 31/03/2018 09:07

My 'd'p left under extremely difficult circumstances (left me with a whole heap of shit to deal with but that's a whole other story) when our baby was 12 weeks old. At first I thought there was absolutely no way I could even begin to do it on my own...

8 weeks down the line, and guess what? We are fine, baby is thriving, and I am actually far happier than when he was with me, the constant fear of what he would do next has gone, baby is in a routine that works super well, there is no nagging, no tidying up after him, no having someone there on my back 24/7 accusing, criticising etc. No fear of being used as a punchbag, oh and I have a dog as well.

Sounds like you would be better off out of it, and it's bloody hard. But if I can do it, so can you Thanks

GeekyWombat · 31/03/2018 09:09

If your mum could come to give you a chance for a few naps and a bath along the way things will feel a bit easier.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing great.

piperatthegates · 31/03/2018 09:14

Please don't get rid of your lovely dog, I had a dog when my DD was a baby and my midwife used to encourage the dog to be around and not be shut out, she said it was better for the dog to know what was going on.

I hope this gives you confidence to stand up to your OH. And congratulations on your beautiful baby. Flowers

lifechangesforever · 31/03/2018 09:18

OP I have 2 dogs and a baby on the way, there's no way they are going anywhere when DD arrives. He's using it as an excuse to make you scared of him reporting you.

Is he out of the house now? I'd be getting the locks changed today. Also, what did your mum have to say to him when he called - id been questioning why he thought it was OK to do that?

NewNameADayKeepsSpiesAway · 31/03/2018 09:21

Just wanted to add another voice of support for you OP.

The newborn phase is hard enough when both parents are properly in it together. You’re already pretty much coping on your own but with additional grief from your partner on top. You truly will be able to do it alone and I bet you find it easier with the stress he causes lifted.

Where do you live, broadly if not too outing? If you’re within an hour of me I’ll happily come and give you a few hours break once a week

marl · 31/03/2018 09:23

I'm so sorry to hear this. If it is your home you are in the best possible position. That made me feel like celebrating for you when I read that line about the house
I went through this myself years ago and decided that my child was much better served by me getting DP to move out early rather than later when the DS was older and noticed a 'change'. This turned out to be true, 16 years later DS is amazingly successful, driven and well-balanced, for now anyway!
I know I made the right decision. Your DP is bluffing. It is your house. It is your baby. Men like this love to say 'I have consulted a lawyer' as they know it makes you feel nervous particularly when we are at our most vulnerable with a new baby It is nonsense. It is hard to find strength when you are sleep deprived but once you get him out of the house you can breathe. See if you can do this. And if you have any family around to help you then please use them. You will be fine on your own and at times here can even be advantages. You don't have to speak to anyone in the evenings if you don't want to. You can relax and recharge without having anyone else to serve. And the best thing my DF said to me years ago is that once you have made your decision stick with it. Once abusive men realise they have been rejected they try every trick in the book to try to regain your love.... if only to throw it back in your face later. Be strong. It will be ok.

mintich · 31/03/2018 09:26

One of my friends is raising a newborn on her own ....and has a dog! You can do it. The best thing is your child won't have to live in a horrible atmosphere caused by your partner

50sQueen · 31/03/2018 09:27

I don't know why your fixated about the dog. It's not about the dog- if it was you'd have already had these conversations 9 months ago.
Just get rid , change the locks and focus on your baby.

Mix56 · 31/03/2018 09:30

OP, both my DC were bought up around 2 large dogs. They used to lie down next to them when they were playing & "look after them" !! seriously the DC were loved as much by the dogs as me !
You've known your dog for 8 years & it is not a risk to you baby, (obviously the baby/toddler must not crawl all over it, etc.)

But this is not the real issue. The issue is yourP is a bullying bastard.
he is using the dog to hurt you.
He cannot take your baby !
He can organise contact, you get a parental order stating you are primary carer so he is obliged to bring the baby home.
It ends there.
So Thank the lord it's your house, you are not married.
He will expect you to call grovelling & beg him to return. The best plan would be to change the locks.
Then you can make yourself food when you want to, there will be extra misery to deal with. he isn't helping now, so in reality the only thing that will change is that you will have the pressure lifted.
Don't worry about deep cleaning the house ! what is important is you & the baby, HV & midwife will tell you everything is fine !!

Mix56 · 31/03/2018 09:32

sorry ....... there will be NO extra misery to deal with

spacecadet48 · 31/03/2018 09:33

What a truly awful position to be in. However your OH is abusive and threatening. Its your home and as much as I hate telling people what to do I would kick him out. Its not a good environment for a baby to be in and you are already doing everything by yourself anyway. You can do it, get your mum round and ask him to leave. I was a single parent with my eldest and it was the best thing splitting from his DF. He was abusive and tried to wear me down with verbal abuse and insults. Stay strong I cant see this getting any better if he stays

Vangoghsear · 31/03/2018 09:34

Are you in a position to care properly for both dog and baby on your own, ensuring dog gets proper exercise and so on? Are you managing the dog appropriately now you have the baby - ensuring the dog is never alone near baby? It sounds as though your partner has genuine concerns even though he is behaving badly.

Aw12345 · 31/03/2018 09:37

Sounds like you're a great mum and it is absolutely horrible of him to try to make you feel inadequate.

Has his mum just carried a baby for 9 months? Has she just given birth? No. Then how can he compare you to her?

Shocking.

And... just think, the dog would never think of you like that. They're loyal and supportive until the end, maybe your partner could learn something from the dog!

NameChangeOnTheRegular · 31/03/2018 09:41

Have you got support round you now? Is your mum supportive?

Make notes of threatening and bullying behaviour whilst you can remember the timelines and call your HV for support.

RoxetteSkyWalker · 31/03/2018 10:05

marl - hear hear. And well done you.

To vangogh's questions... To put any 'fears' to rest or to prove the dog is not in any way a threat is to put stair gates in, especially when the baby gets a bit older. I have one on the stairs and one on the living room door. That way I know if the baby is on the play mat, and I have to pop upstairs or whatever, the gate is shut so there is no way the dog can get in. And that way if he is going to a bastard (which it sounds like he will be) about it, then you can show you have taken the necessary steps to keep both safe.

Can you maybe get a dog walker? If not, then a baby carrier is your friend. I borrowed one from a friend, or you can get a cheapy one from mothercare (about £20), so I can take the dog out without the whole pram manoeuvring problem. Takes a few goes to perfect it (particularly the very ungraceful side bend to pick up poo), but works just fine and dog will get the exercise it needs. And actually, I've found that getting out for an hour or so in the fresh air with the dog actually does me a world of good.

Follyfoot · 31/03/2018 10:09

I dont think his concerns over the dog are remotely genuine. He is using the dog as another way to control 5more.

You can do it, promise.

Original poster
5moreminzzz · 31/03/2018 10:24

@Vangoghsear my dog is never left in a room on his own with the baby and is never too near to her either.

If my partner was genuinely concerned do you think he would of left? Surely that's more risky if there is a risk there?
Exercise has been mostly done by him tbh and a couple of awkward walks with me and the pram. I will have to get one of them sling things so I can take him out properly

OP posts:
Original poster
5moreminzzz · 31/03/2018 10:30

I know there's more to it than the dog, he was bringing all kinds up last night. Slagging me off cos he bought my maternity clothes, asking what kind of fella has to do that because I was too lazy to sort it. I honestly thought when he did that it was so lovely cos I felt horrible going shopping and thought he understood. Also said it's not much to ask to have tea cooked. There's clearly a load of 'issues' for him and if I did give my dog away they would all still stand. Everyone that's said it is right he is just blaming the dog

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 31/03/2018 10:30

Op the dog was just an excuse to beat you up with and make you toe his line again.

I walked my large dog daily with 2 babies, 16 months apart in a huge double buggy, it is fine. My Dh was away working much of the time, yet l managed....in fact l used to purposely go though the woods to tone up!

Original poster
5moreminzzz · 31/03/2018 10:34

@Dragongirl10 thank you that's reassuring! What kind of dog do you have? I need a longer lead to do it with the pram, I only have one of them small chains atm so bit awkward. Love hearing you manage with a double pram 😊

OP posts:
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