How much does having children really change your life?

[sunshinecloudyday]

I'm not quite ready to have children yet and I know everyone says 'your life is completely changed forever' but that is really difficult to imagine. I've never had younger siblings or cousins either. I want to hear from you all of the little day to say things that change - for the better or worse! And whether you think it's best to start having kids earlier or to wait? I want to make a fully formed decision when the time is right!

• beginning not begging to get ready!

This! m.youtube.com/watch?v=uFQfylQ2Jgg

Literally almost everything changes, looking back at my life before I had DS (just shy of 9 months) I can’t believe how utterly different my life is now.

Things will never really be the same again. You are completely responsible for another person in every way. No matter how tired you are, sick you are or how much else might be going on in your life you have to prioritise your child. You have to factor them into every decision and every plan you make.

Being a parent is tough, and I remember in the early days I had a few very very dark days were I thought the lack of sleep would kill me. Some days are still beyond hard, but every time I look at my son I burst with love and pride, and the way he looks at me puts all the difficult and hard bits into perspective. I honestly feel I am a better person for having him.

You 'wash up' because it's like being alone for a bit.

So, prior to having ds. I could stay at work late if I needed to finish something. I cared about career progression. When I got home I could take a shower, chill out, have sex, read, do whatever. At weekends I got a lie in. If I wanted to leave the house it took a few seconds. More me and us time at weekends. Could afford once sometimes two nice abroad holidays a year with lots of sightseeing and cocktail drinking and some weekends away too.
Now with 4 year old- have to finish work at 5 to get ds from nursery. No prospect of career progression as this is the only job on my level or above I can do on 3 days a week.
When I get home I have to play with 4 year old whirlwind then put him to bed. By the time this has happened and we've had dinner it's late and dh and I basically collapse on the sofa.
No lie in at weekends. Sleep thankfully is unbroken now but often I am woken by a small person jumping on me when he pleases!
Leaving the house involved making sure ds has a bag packed with food, clothes and entertainment, persuading him he needs a wee, forcing him into appropriate clothes and shoes. So yes it takes 3 times as long.
Holidays well we have a lot less money due to me working part time and nursery fees so mostly it's a week in a caravan or holiday camp. Kids entertainment, swimming pool and cheap days out...
And on a grand scale as others have said it's all totally different. You are responsible for the life of another person. Decisions you take from big to small have to involve that person. And there's a third person in the relationship with your dp so that changes.
My life is totally different. I love ds more than I ever thought possible. But sometimes I dream about having my old life back.

I think the kids thing has been covered. I'm here to warn about getting 'fur babies' to prepare you. I love my kids. I love my dogs. Life with 2 small children and 2 dogs = hellish.

Very few places are both dog and child friendly. Beyond baby wearing age, long walks in the country are out as although the kids have the same length of legs as dogs they definitely won't walk further than the second tree without moaning. No probs, go round local park on bikes- nope. You either end up trying to carry two kids and two bikes whilst watching dogs or you invariably pass swing park which if course dogs aren't allowed in. You have friends that are happy for you to bring dogs but would prefer if you left kids and vice versa.
Your car has to be a truck as the boot needs to be big enough for dogs and pram/bikes.
Your life revolves around poo. Wiping kids bum, picking up dog poo, asking kids if they need a poo before we take the dogs out for a poo- not to mention all of them joining you should you need one...

Do you know what I'd honestly do if I was on the fence about this? Just an honest opinion that won't be popular. I'm not wanting a debate or a fight. Being a parent is a wonderful thing. I honestly recommend it with all my heart. Seeing the world through their eyes or seeing their eyes light up at your very presence is worth any amount of adult holidays. But I work in an environment where I see the very hard part of having a child with special needs and I think sometimes the price is too high. I would honestly have my genome sequenced and that that of my partner and see if there was anything that would point to a rare or difficult disease hiding in your DNA. If all was clear I'd really highly recommend parenthood. There's a reason people usually go back for more.

For anyone still reading who hasn’t had a baby yet, please consider this:

I’m not saying any of the above is untrue, or that I can’t relate to lots of it, but having children only changed my life for the better. Before kids, yes, I had a great career, we had loads of disposable income and went on cool holidays at the drop of a hat etc. etc. BUT it all felt a bit meaningless. I desperately wanted to have a family. Now I’m a SAHM, takes ages to leave the house blah blah all the rest BUT I am deeply, deeply fulfilled and any time I feel stressed or tired, the memory of how empty my life felt before children ALWAYS cheers me up. I just love the whole family with all my heart.

If you want to have children and are lucky enough to be able to, do it.

If you’re not sure, have an even slightly disinterested partner or are not keen but feeling the pressure to have kids for whatever reason, think very very carefully. Nothing on this thread sounds unbelievable or exaggerated to me and I think the loneliness of a shitty relationship with young children is something else. Better if you’re on your own, generally, but OMG you think it’s relentless with two parents? Yeah...

DD is only 6 so I have no idea in the longer term, but tbh she hasn't changed my life much except in the first few months when she was tiny and waking in the night.

DH and I were well past the age of wanting to go out gallavanting in the evenings and weekends, though. I can imagine a child would hugely impact that as they tend to be early risers and early to bed.

Also I have a supportive DH who is a good father. A crap husband or single motherhood I would imagine is far more challenging, MN is full of stories of women struggling with that.

I think the impact of a child on your life is very dependent on the type of life you have, so some people find it much harder han others. As PP have pointed out, some people also make it more complicated than it needs to be. One friend of mine used to take a bag as big as a suitcase out with her and her baby, it contained everything she might ever need and enough toys to fill a nursery. She also had a massive travel system pram with carrycot etc., and got a huge car to put all the kit in. Needless to say, she found it difficult to go anywhere with a baby. I used to take a small bag with a few nappies and wipes, shove DD in a sling and hop on the bus. I found the new born period much easier than she did.

I would say that so much depends on the child though. One of my children would happily sit watching me talk and join in chatting with my friends. The other just needed endless entertainment so I needed the big bag with her! It just wouldn't be worth leaving the house without endless toys.

I'm sure that's sometimes true slane but not in my friend's case. Eventually she realised why I found getting about so much easier and dumped the giant case and pram. Part of the problem is marketing, new parents are told that they need all that stuff for their baby. I had a couple of friends who were experienced parents of multiple children who said don't bother its a waste of money, otherwise maybe I would have done the same.

An example of my life that’s changed: my gym classes all start at 6 or 6:30 my husband isn’t home til 6 so i can’t go. My daughter has special needs all my life is doing her therapy and medical appointments. My son is breastfed and feeds 2 hourly. I cannot leave him for long at all! I used to have a horse. I’ve ridden twice in 3 years. My idea of a fun Saturday night is going to aldi alone. Mum guilt is real and whatever happens you feel guilty for something!

Hi I have a 7month old son. I'm 25 and married. I think a lot of what these fellow parents have said is true however I can't remember what my life was like before i had him. You get used to leaving the house with a bag full of stuff, the same way you would prepare to go out ( phone,keys, wallet, etc) your list is just a little longer. My son makes me smile more, more confident and he is just pure joy. Of course I'm tired all the time and I will happily spend all of my money on him whilst I sit around in jeans that have seen better days and not had a haircut for about a year! You worry about everything but I also still have time for myself and that is where my hubby comes in. I think the main thing is to have a baby with someone who is supportive of you and is happy to go on the journey of parenthood with you. Yes you do become parents first and partners second but if you have a good support network of friends and family who are happy to babysit then you can still have date night. Spontaneous activities become things like 'shall we go to the park' or check out the new soft play that serves wine ( yes they exist ) or pop and see other new parents. It's a beautiful journey and there is no 'right time'. For my husband and I having our son is the best gift ever. PLUS he is very cute which helps

For me everything you are, everything you own, every thought becomes theirs. From your time, your body, money, possessions, sense of self - your first thought is them.
Like pp. have said you no loner have time, privacy, energy.
You're always on duty even when they're asleep you're subconsciously listening out. Every spare bit of money you buy nothing for yourself unless there is absolutely nothing they need and even if you do buy yourself something you feel guilty.
Your primary relationship is with them not your oh, and the same for him/Her.
Even when they get a bit older and start school you are permanently on call, your job comes second, if they are ill you go to them.
My 2 youngest recently went on camp together (8+9) yay first free weekend in 9 years - no- you don't drink in case you need to get them if there's a an emergency. You don't go out with oh because all you want to do is sleep! You don't go for a weekend away yourselves because you spent the spare money on camp.
Do I regret it?
Not a minute. The love is overwhelming. They become your world. I wouldn't swap a minute.
Nb I also have an adult child. Makes no difference she is grown and left home I still worry, give her my spare money, time and anything else I have freely. They are always your first priority.

You'll soon discover whether you chose the right partner to have a kid with. Oh yeah.
You struggle to see where you fit in and all your family relationships change.
You will often feel like you're doing it wrong. Get used to that feeling. Along with mum guilt it doesn't seem to stop.
The power balance will shift in your partnership and you may question whether you'll ever feel like you again.
You'll not bother going out because childcare is a fucking ball ache.
Money could be an issue.
Your body can be fucked forever so can your mind.
Everyone expects you to bond instantly and be an earth mother. Neither happened for me....again with the guilt.
You get woken at 5.......until they start school. They start school just when they start to become interesting.
Childcare and ft work. Yeah I know it's only a few years but it's grim.
Or boring, unfulfilling part time work to fit around the kids.
Then comes high school when they can't seem to get up early enough! It's parents job to get them yo school or you get the kicking from the school.
You have to be polite with folk you'd not normally bother with, in the interest of your kids social life. This is starting to improve here though. She's nearly high school age.
You worry about them. Having a kid has made me feel so much more vulnerable. I don't think I could continue to live if anything happened to her.
Im not finding parenthood that much fun but she's always in my heart.

Most of the posts seem to be about very small children, and these definitely change your life completely in the ways described. Mine are now adults and there are still changes. I have learned some unpleasant things about myself, I'm not the best mum or indeed person in the world, I discovered during these 20 years. Your children make you grow up and that learning about yourself that happens, never stops.

Also, all children "betray" their parents, that is their fate. Their focus, rightly, moves away from the nuclear family, and then that family no longer exists with the intensity and closedness that there was in the early years. Eventually they leave to start their own family. So you are committed to a lifetime of change and growth and challenge.

It's great!!

I was 41 when I had my first and only child. Dh and I had been married for eleven years.

My experience has been somewhat different to other posters. Because I was in my early 40s and had been married for so long, DH and I had got to a place where we were kinda bored. Yes, we could do and go anywhere (within reason) but a lot of the time we didn't because going out to dinner or travelling abroad tended to be a bit disappointing. We'd go on a city break only for it to rain. Or we'd go out for dinner to a new fancy place, only for the meal to cost a bomb and not really be that exciting. We'd run out of things to do and were quite jaded, I suppose.

But when we had dd, all of a sudden, a whole new dimension of life opened up and it was a revelation. The world was new again.

But what I found, most of all, was how liberating it was. Yes, there were times when she was a newborn that I have never felt so tired, but she totally broke the rut we had both been in and I found I could junk loads of old emotional and psychological baggage that I'd been carrying around for decades. She allowed me to remake myself back to the person I'd always been deep down inside.

I now feel happier than I ever have as an adult. The world and life feels full of possibilities. It's rather marvellous really.

We'd run out of things to do and were quite jaded, I suppose.

I think most people get bored of restaurants and travel for their own sake. It's the company at the restaurant, or the reason for the travel that make or break the trip.

Having a kid, brings new company and new purpose for travel, so breaks the rut.

The happiest childfree couples I know have interesting and enviable reasons to get out of bed in the morning.

You barely bat an eyelid at fishing a poo out of the bath with your bare hands and it becomes instinct to stick out those same hands to catch vomit when your child is sick!

Saturday morning after being sent home from nursery my 3 year old seemed a bit hot. I took his temp and it was 39. Paramedics came out and it was 40.8. We got taken to paed a and e in the ambulance with possible sepsis. At 8 that night we luckily got to go home with antibiotics for severe tonsilitis. Sonce then weve had njt much sleep and I've been peed on and vomited on twice. I've watched Secret Life of Pets 5 times. This is our week off work and we can't do anything because our boy is ill. It us really hard. But I would cut my arm off to make him better. I dont regret having him for a moment. He is the best thing we have ever done xxxx

No time. No energy. You loose friends who don’t have dc.
Your body is absolutely ruined it really takes a battering from pregnancy and childbirth.
Everything is saggier, floppier and wobbly. You will need to throw out many pre dc clothes as you are to fat and floppy.
You age. You argue more with your dp.
It can complicate relationships with your own parents/in laws.
You will never spontaneously do anything again.
When you get a sitter you may feel guilt at going out anyway or be too tired to enjoy it.
Don’t waste your time holidaying in a posh place, kids wouldn’t notice the difference if they were in the Maldives or butlins.
Your house will be messy.
You will never take for granted a hot cup of tea again.
Work can feel like a break.
But despite all of this I wouldn’t change ds.
And you did ask.........

For me, 7 weeks in, it's that all of a sudden it's like my heart is outside my body! I am overwhelmed by fear of anything happening to this little person and would put him before me at any time.
I love him more than I ever thought possible

Krilla, 11 years is not that long to be married but is certainly too short a time that you were bored and had run out of things to do.

Me and DH are never bored even after almost 40 years together. DH works full time but we go out as much as we can when he is not working. We can't wait for him to retire so we can do more together. Not expensive things but going for walks, going to exhibitions, going to free filming of tv shows, going to London for day or weekend and visiting museums, art galleries, parks etc.

We go to the cinema a lot and try and go to the theatre as often as we can afford. We also love evenings snuggled together on the sofa watching a good film or one of the great foreign tv shows on BBC4 which we both love.

We would both rather spend time with each other than any one else and certainly didn't need children to keep things interesting. We don't seem to run out of things to talk about and DH makes me laugh all the time

Overall my life is more enriched and I absolutely love my daughter. We’re still only in the toddler phase so I expect things will continue to change. I love watching her grow and develop and seeing her personality change. She has also made us more active and we’ve developed a whole new social life and set of friends.

The things that I’ve found hard is juggling work and my child. I used to be super ambitious and got a lot of my identity from work. Being a part-timer who leaves early has changed that identity somewhat. I also miss lazy mornings with my husband. We used to spend weekends lying in and basically being super lazy. I wouldn’t necessarily want to go back to that all the time but it would be nice once in a while.We now also spend a lot of time in garden centres rather than nice restaurants. We have argued more since having a child than I expected. We both can get a bit ratty and compete as to who has it hardest.

While we don’t have family close by (and therefore no childcare) my daughter’s grandparents are loving and committed and will help us out financially and practically when they can. This safety net makes a world of difference.

We also recognise we have been very lucky. Our daughter is healthy and we don’t have any of the challenges of dealing with a child with disabilities or a serious illness. She is also incredibly easy going and has slept through from an early age. I’m very aware that the situation could be very different with another child and I am a little bit scared about what our lives might look like with another.

Meh, I'm only 8 months in, but I didn't find that changes particularly bad.

Changes I've found
-yeah sometimes you have to pee or change a tampon with a baby by you/in a sling. Weirdly you won't care though, and it feels kind of normal.

• the washing machine is on a lot more

-trying to get a good work life balance becomes even more important.

• you can't nip out whenever you want, buy realistically, there's usually two of you, babies at least are pretty portable, and babysitters exist. It's never been a problem so far.

What's stayed the same/positive stuff
For me:
-I weirdly sleep more when home with my child
-I'm less stressed because only working part time.

• the house is slightly tidier, as I've got more time than working, and need to keep it tidier these days.

-I still relax and take a long bath most nights -I still have a close and loving relationship with my husband.

Thing is though, although I've found it pretty easy, it depends on whether your children sleep, how old they are, how many they are, when they are a baby whether they are colicky etc. It also varies depending on the support you have, and your personality and lifestyle.

If I went out every night, and liked getting off my face drunk, then I'd probably find it hard to adjust. As it is, I mostly socialised with friends before having a baby, and a lot of them have children.

So we can give you our experiences, but everyone's experience varies so much I'm not sure how much its worth really. Chances are it won't be amazingly easy, but it won't be horrifically hard either.