How much does having children really change your life?

[sunshinecloudyday]

I'm not quite ready to have children yet and I know everyone says 'your life is completely changed forever' but that is really difficult to imagine. I've never had younger siblings or cousins either. I want to hear from you all of the little day to say things that change - for the better or worse! And whether you think it's best to start having kids earlier or to wait? I want to make a fully formed decision when the time is right!

You can never relax again.

It's endless chores and worrying.

There won't be any time for you to do many (any) of the things you enjoyed before children.

You can't do anything spontaneous.

Not read the whole thread but wanted to say:

Lie ins don’t exist - if my day begins later than 7am I’ve had a good one.

You don’t get to read a book or do anything really for a while when they’re first here! I’m doing more of that now he’s older (18m) but not really beforehand! I’ve started doing C25k to get my fitness back and to have half an hour to myself.

You have a lot of extra stuff to contend with. Pushchairs and car seats and stuff.

I never found leaving the house difficult - I always have a fully packed bag for him and can just leave in five if I need to: always have been able to.

Sleeping is a luxury! My son sleeps 12 hours a night but likes to throw the odd curveball or inexplicably waking up every now and then. I am calm about it but when he does it it throws me out of kilter for ages! I don’t sleep as well as I did I know that much.

Your day can be dictated by their mood. If he’s arsy it’s very wearing!

I don’t think they’re expensive to look after nor is entertaining them. My son loved a wooden spoon or junk mail or a muzzy cloth.

They’re crazy, they’re difficult at times, they’re bonkers, they’re tiring but my goodness are they amazing!! I adore every ounce of my son and as he grows and changes I just can’t get enough of him. He’s chatty, he tells me all sorts but no idea what it is, he plays, he comes and sits on my knee, he cuddles and says awww.

I desperately want another one!

I really wished someone had told me how life changing having kids would-be. When I had my first dc I felt like it was a secret club no one told you about. My life is very different now. I don't think I've slept past 7 am more than about 5 times in the last 6 years. It's constant. It's like grand central station having a shower in the morning, children back and forth. You became second to them. But knowing what I know I'd still have them!! Just would have liked a bit of a warning!

It's funny. Everyone told me my life would change beyond all recognition when I had my first. It honestly didn't.
I had moved out of a city a few months earlier, and that change was bigger. Not having a huge network of friends on my doorstep, having to drive to socialise etc.
Baby came along and I still went for walks, to the pub, out for dinner. Baby came too. He was so easy and so lovely.
Of course, I couldn't go clubbing any more, but I had hoped that would naturally end somewhere. I didn't want to behave as I had in my 20s when I was in my 30s. Slowing down and focussing on family felt natural and right.
4 years and 2 more kids later and I admit, kids do impact your life. I have no family nearby, and none of mine are at scat school yet. Haircuts and dentist appointments have to be planned. Nights out never happen. Sleep and rest are rarer than I'd like. There's less time for exercise.
But if I hadn't had kids, I don't think I'd have wanted my life to stay the same anyway.
Kids are much better than nights out!

FernLove you asked for positives. I have PM'd you.

Typed a huge post earlier that disappeared ugh.
So much has been said already.
My thoughts were -

When I first became a parent I literally thought I would never relax again - even when she slept I was on red alert constantly. ( I do relax now !)
Then I realised she loved me like I loved her - this blew my mind and was awe inspiring and terrifying.

I am beyond the baby years now so I guess it's easier but I still relish my weekend showers when I can lock the door as DH is home , I still get a ripple of excitement leaving the house alone after dark , I deal with other people's bodily fluids daily . Every day for almost 7 years - wee/poo/sick/snot
Toilet training was a huge con - found nappies often simpler than accidents , wiping bottoms at random and spending most lunch trips on a loo relay ..
remember telling a childless colleague my DS had weed in our bed during the night when I had to be up for a big meeting - she asked what I did but seemed fairly shocked when I wearily said ' covered it with a towel and went back to sleep ! '
Still not a day goes by where i am not grateful to have them in my life - I love my little family beyond description.
Literally cannot remember life before - they will be considered in everything I do forevermore.

Thank you everyone I has been so nice to read all your posts - your children are lucky to have such lovely parents.

blinkineckmum
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!!

I don't think parents realise they do it, but every time the subject of children comes up with my friends all they do is moan about it and warn us " don't do it " as our lives will be over. It's not very helpful (nor was it helpful when my husband wasn't ready to have kids and I was - I just wanted people to tell us some of the positives too!!!)

If I'm 100% honest, I wouldn't have children if I was given the option to do it again. I love them dearly, but it's so boring, I feel very trapped, everything takes three times as long and if like my two who are fiercely independent, I cannot do anything for them. Eating out what a joke. Unless you have fulltime wrap around childcare there is no freedom. No matter what anyone says if you are the mother you basically do it all. Impact on men is far less. Also you will never be able to eat cereal for dinner again and will spend your life cooking and clearing up after other people.

I am childfree by choice and every time I read a thread like this I am pleased I made that choice.

Many of my friends with children say they would not have them if they could go back in time. Also most of my friends blame having children on the breakdown of their marriages.

I'll stick to having a happy marriage

A typical day before DC for me.

7.30-8.30 - get up, shower, dress, eat breakfast whilst reading. Chat to DH. Leave flat and go to work
9am-8pm - work
8.30pm-9.30pm - gym with DH
9.30-10.30pm - eat with DH, watch TV. Go to sleep. Sleep all night.

Now with my 3 and 6 year old DSes :

6am - get up and try to keep 1 or 2 boys quiet for the neighbours
6.30-8am - get ready for work whilst making getting DSes dressed, making their breakfast, cajouling them to eat faster, bellow at them to hurry up, go to the loo and get into the bathroom. Brush their teeth. Help with jumpers, shoes, coats. Occasionally snatch a brief word with DH about random important stuff
8am - 8.45am - school run then go to work
8.45am - 6.30pm - work like a maniac all day to get all work done in time to get home to boys
7 - 8pm - get home and immediately have a hug from 3 year old but a whinge from 6 year old about something. Try to take shoes and coat off whilst 2 boys are nagging for more food. Do them some more food (they have already had dinner and pudding). Grab something to eat. Do homework with 6 year old (through tears and protests). Play and hug boys. Get them both in Pjs, teeth cleaned, gone to the loo (it's like herding cats).
8pm - sit in the dark with DS2 until he goes to sleep
8.10-8.30pm - play games with DS1
8.30pm - ? (anything from 5-45 minutes) - sit in dark room with DS1 until he falls asleep, cursing having such a bad sleeper, whilst he whinges and cries that his tummy/tooth hurts/he's scared/etc.
? - leave DS1's room and collapse in lounge with DH, feeling guilty at getting so annoyed with DS1. Talk to DH then go to bed preferably by 9.30
9.30pm - 6am - go into boys' room when one wakes up yelling from a nightmare 2-4 times a night. Every. Single. Night.

They make me laugh. They sometimes make me cry. They think I am the bestest mummy in the whole wide world and give me fantastic hugs. They sit on my lap whenever I sit down. They adore me and I adore them.

But they have totally changed my life!

Bing a parent you don't have the chance to do:
-what you want to do
-no free time to yourself until their in nursery/school
-you find out who your really friends are
-constantly tired
-constantly thinking/worrying about the child/children
-washing machine always on
-you don't watch your programmes it's always cartoons
-never go to the toilet on your own again
-you don't 'treat' yourself anymore
-sleepless nights

The list goes on.....

mydogisthebest I have a happy marriage. I have a son and my life has changed but any Issues we have have never been because of Ds.

Children does not equal unhappy marriage!

Pre kids:

Get up, have coffee/breakfast, leisurely shower, choose clothes. Dress, hair, make up. Leave the house.

After kids:

Woken at stupid o'clock with a child lifting your eyelids and shouting 'hello mummy!'. Take child downstairs, feed child, make coffee, clean up mess child has made, drink cold coffee. Tackle child to dress them and wash face and do hair. Have a shower at lightning speed or more likely, a strip wash at the sink. Leave bathroom to find child has pulled 780 pieces of lego out of a box which is now an obstacle course to your bedroom. Dress in anything clean. Run brush through hair and tie it up. Forget make up. Pick up lego.

Apply this logic to everything.

Your money, your time, your sleep, your reason for living - none of it is yours anymore. It's all about your little person. I truly cannot remember what I used to do with my time pre-children.

On the plus side mine are now 19 and 12. The oldest is living at uni and the youngest is pretty self sufficient and can even make me a coffee.

But if you need new shoes and so do they and there's only enough money for one pair - the child gets the shoes. This goes for everything.

But they are worth it.

Your time and your personal space and body never feel like yours. You get climbed on, talked at and you (within reason) just have to get on with it. DH and I used to spend hours just lying around chilling at weekends but every hour they're into something, wanting your time and energy. It can feel overwhelming at times.

As pp said everything needs thinking through - you can't pop out, you have to make sure another adult is around or spend 30 mins getting them out the door and then get them out the car the other end as you can't leave them. They often won't walk where you want to go so you end up a bit wonky and sore all the time because you pick 2.5 stone of human up repeatedly throughout the day and have it resting on your hip.

Mine sleeps but some friends spend literally hours of their eve/night trying to get their kids to bed. You can only do your best as a parent and some kids are just better sleepers than others.

You get asked questions constantly from dawn to dusk and most of them can't be answered.

Can you tell I'm knackered today?! Mine is amazing but I find it full on with just one. I have total respect and slight awe of those with bigger families....

Everyone here is talking about having small kids, which is generally just a few years. You get yourself back after that I agree with this. I have two early teens and it's fine. I go out with friends on the odd night out, have a full-time job, read books. I never went without showers or make-up ever, so I can't relate to that. If you compare my life with my friend who is at the same career stage but doesn't have children, we are fairly similar, I'm busier day to day, and she gets to travel. But within a few years, the children will have left home and travel is once again a possibility.

I think the all immersiveness of the early years is something else.

I also have some family support (for work emergencies) and a flexible job where I can work different hours that suit me (with the odd fixed days) so that's probably why I don't feel life is unrecognizable to before.

I also thoroughly enjoy family life and spending time with the children, especially when older (cute when little) which helps. Not every second, but similar to having a partner, mostly it's good with the odd bad bits but you wouldn't never have a relationship again because of that.

I agree with the above - I always showered and always had my hair and make up done. Baby just had to wait! One thing I was insistent on was that my standards wouldn’t drop on my appearance lol. I put my make up on when I get up every day as it’s a habit I have always had. I have always been ready to go out at any point as I used to get impromptu phone calls from friends when I was younger so was always day ready! I like to feel human and I don’t without my hair clean or my mascara on.

It takes me ten minutes so it’s not like baby was left to scream or get ignored!

Your money, your time, your sleep, your reason for living - none of it is yours anymore I must be some type of selfish breed of mum, but I've always had time to myself, my husband always took the children out on weekends to give me a break for a day or afternoon. I sleep because I like sleep, I wouldn't be prepared to co-sleep and after crashing the car through sleep deprivation, I did sleep training with one, the other slept through, but I wouldn't be up all night unless they are ill or had a sleep disorder (which most kids don't have). I have a reason for living outside of my children which is good for them pressure-wise, relating to work, my husband and so on.

You don't have to give up absolutely everything for ever and ever, what an odd way to characterize parenting! I get feeling touched out, overwhelmed by the needs of little kids and that time is very intense. Having teens is emotionally demanding but you can have acres of time on your own too.

I get that it depends on the child, if they have additional needs, if you can keep working and so on, as well, but it doesn't have to be 'life over', really it doesn't (and it isn't for 90% of men).

mydogisthebest - no kids here either, it totally doesn't appeal.

My best friends have an 18 month old and seeing their experiences has been my closest insight - I go to theirs once a week to help out and cook dinner for them. They aren't the same people they were before having a child. Their DS is fairly nice as children go, I'm fond of him because they love him and I accept they just come as a unit now, but on balance I'd far rather they'd adopted a puppy!

Much less sleep, much more worry, much more clutter, much less money, 100% less freedom.

Everyone warns you about lack of sleep and night wakings but for me the real psychological shift is that you CAN'T GO TO BED WHEN YOU'RE TIRED!

This is all really negative and disheartening to hear.

I must have been an absolutely rotten mother because I did get dressed and showered pretty well every day, unless I was really ill. The only reason I didn't apply make-up is because I'd never used it, not because I could not have identified 5 minutes in the morning to do it.

I also had hot drinks. Often in the same room as toddler. I had whole roomfuls of mothers with toddlers round for coffee and we usually managed to drink it. It's a technique drinking coffee so it can't be spilled. (I learnt from watching my elder brother feed dd boeuf bourgignonne at her christening party without getting so much as a drop of sauce on her white dress)

I travelled abroad and stayed in other people's houses. (My younger brother went inter-railing with his toddler.)

I also had the occasional lie-in, not because I was organised enough to sleep train but through the far sneakier method of enticing dc to join me in bed and letting them get drowsy again. I co-slept at times not because I had any theories about it but because I got a better quality of sleep that way.

Dh and I got on better, if anything, once we had children.

There were periods that were ridiculously intense, but they didn't last.

And I did spend money on me. Never occurred to me not to tbh.

The one area where I would agree with the earlier posters on this thread, though, is that you always have to think. Always plan and think for someone else. Easy enough to hold back some money or even some time, but your mind is not your own. That I did find trying.

Having children changes everything about you and your life, relationships forever. You never stop " having children " however old they are. You will never go back to being the same as who you are even when you are not actively patenting any more.
Mine are all late 20's and 30's with children of their own but I still have them on my mind all the time!

My DD is 9 months old, so I am still pretty new to this! I was never sure about children.

She’s great.

Things that have changed - it takes a bit longer to get out the house (especially with dog in tow!), I can’t just do what I want when I want (which is pretty obvious!), I have to be home for certain times (we have a pretty rigid routine for naps!)

But I don’t think things have changed for the worse - I love watching her develop and learn new things, and love seeing her enjoy herself. Prior to having her, the idea of going swimming during half term would have made me ill, but I didn’t care this week as she still loved it! She sleeps and naps brilliantly (I’m aware this could change!) so I don’t feel tired or anything.

I feel even closer to DH now, watching him with her, and thinking how he supported us all through some dark days of PND.

I wouldn’t describe her as my whole world or anything like that, she’s just a lovely human who has joined our family and made things even better.

Parenting not patening!
I wouldnt not have them though if I had my time over again.