How much does having children really change your life?

[sunshinecloudyday]

I'm not quite ready to have children yet and I know everyone says 'your life is completely changed forever' but that is really difficult to imagine. I've never had younger siblings or cousins either. I want to hear from you all of the little day to say things that change - for the better or worse! And whether you think it's best to start having kids earlier or to wait? I want to make a fully formed decision when the time is right!

Multiply every task by the number of children you have.

For example, you have two kids:

Making a sandwich? You have to make three.

Having a bath? You have to bathe two small people too.

Getting dressed? Once your clothes are on, you have to put clothes on two more people who wriggle like cats trying to escape flea treatment.

Leaving the house? That’s three coats and three pairs of shoes that you need to put on bodies.

Before you leave the house have you got:
Nappies?
Wipes?
Nappy bags?
Sippy cups with water?
Snacks so you don’t have to spend a fortune on crap once you’re out and they’re inevitably hungry?
Spare clothes for both of them in case they wee/poo/vomit on themselves or deliberately splash in a muddy puddle.
Don’t forget your keys and wallet!!

Brushing teeth? You need to brush three sets.

You get the picture.

It gets moderately easier as they get older and can do some things themselves like put on shoes. But generally everything takes ages and there’s no spontaneity.

Also, if you want to go to the cinema or just pop to the pub on the corner for a drink, it’s £50 for a babysitter before you even set foot outside. So you just don’t bother going out together any more. Unless you’re rich or have family close by to babysit.

Don't fucking do it.
If you're having to ask these questions then you sound like me.
I couldn't imagine it. I decided everyone was exaggerating and I'd be alright.
I now have an 8 month old and wish I'd listened and really understood what people were telling me.
Apparently it gets better. I'm holding onto that thought.

Everything everyone is saying is true but the thing that shocked me the most and I’m only 4 and a half months in, is there is always someone touching you. It’s either the baby, or my partner wanting cuddles. Sometimes I don’t want to be touched but noooo. My mum used to ask for peace and quiet for her birthday, I totally get that now.

Notanatural it honestly does get so much better, I love kids but still find 0-2 the worst age.
Its when they're the most demanding and you don't get much 'in return' as they can't talk, do much or enjoy much. As they start talking and becoming children rather than babies you can have fun days out, enjoy doing activities, talk to them, they can occupy themselves a bit and you don't have to do absolutely everything for them anymore - plus life no longer revolves around naps and trying to get them to sleep!

The thing is that the shitty boring practical drudgery of parenting small children is easy to describe in gruesome detail (and we do so, as often as we can get away with, because sometimes you can't fucking believe what has happened to your life and you need someone to bear witness to it) but the joy of children is so hard to convey without sounding like a smug twat. It's basically just that you really really love them and love watching them grow and learn, so much so that you are prepared to put up with the destruction of all that you previously held dear.

Which is why when parents do go out they end up spending the first half of the evening telling their younger friends how kids have ruined their life and the second half telling them that they should definitely have kids because it's amazing.

notanaturalmum it absolutely does get better. 8 months is a hard age. You're knackered and you're carting round this massive lump of baby. Oh and weaning. God. It all picks up once they can walk, once they can talk, once you can do things with them rather than to them. I really struggled to adjust to my new life in the baby phase.Now I have a toddler and we actually have fun. I'm even trying for a second...

Yeah loads of changes like having to do everything with one hand, never getting to eat your dinner while it's hot, skipping work constantly because the child is sick.

There's also the not caring. I really don't care about any of that stuff. I don't care about most things I cared about before having my son. Warm dinners and lie ins are nice but ultimately inconsequential. The little things really don't often bother me anymore.

One of the hardest things for me is when you are sick you don’t get peace to recover. I had surgery last year and unfortunately the same day my son was diagnosed with shingles. I spent 2 weeks nursing him instead of healing myself. Hideous.

Oh and they cost a fortune. You spend all your time taking them to their activities and volunteering to support their clubs.

That said, I would rather have them than not.

Two children’s books describe it all for me. Zagazoo and 5 minutes peace. Read them.

Sorry to jump on the thread but does anyone regret having children? Is the only thing that outweighs all these negatives listed in every single post, the cuddles and I couldn't live without them, though ?

I will be TTC soon and reading these comments really makes me think twice about having children :-( I desperately want to be a mum but all I ever hear from my friends and MNetter's are the negatives.

I've never regretted having any of my children, even the one born terminally ill. They make me laugh every day.

I think it all depends on how much of a team you have around you. Ie if you have a partner who is either crap or lazy or works very long hours and no extended family it's an incredibly different experience to having the opposite. I'm lucky to have a hands on partner who has flexible working hrs and a dm and dmil who are both retired but stillyouthful and having these things makes a huge difference.

And I love it BTW. Twins aged 14 months. However I'm not sure I would love it so much without my team around me iykwim xx

Think I've illustrated fancy point, who is spot on.

Fancys point

Fern, no I don't regret having dc at all. I know it all comes out as complaining but sometimes it really is just telling it how it is! For example money, children really are expensive, there's no two ways around it...but I've found that some things that were important to me before (or stuff I just took for granted) just aren't now. I used to like expensive make up, I can't afford it now because we have dc, I don't miss it like I thought I might though. Lots and lots of things make up for the down sides, dc are good fun and watching them grow is amazing. I know I just love them so much that it's all worth it. Also as pp says lots of things can make it much easier or much harder.

No more morning sex.
No more loud sex.

Your priorities change and tolerance/headspace you have for other things and people shrinks. Ive actually found it quite liberating. I care less about what happens at work.

The news terrifies me in a way it never did before.

Shopping: i find it hard to shop for myself unless its online. I get distracted at the shopping center and end up buying them stuff.

I usually have at least one toy car in my handbag and several hair elastics.

Christmas is lovely when they get all excited.

I get excited when I see emergency vehicles and helicopters and trains.

If I see roadworks i shout "theyre digging up the road" in a big booming voice, even when its just me in the car.

My facebook feed is very different. I follow steamtrains and modeltrain clubs and filmclub.

When I fart in public I can blame the kids.

Dammit, Hamish, I was just coming on here to recommend Five Minutes’ Peace!
DH overheard me reading it to the kids when they were about 6 and under, and said concernedly, ‘Do you think you’re putting, I don’t know, a bit too much conviction into the way you read that book?’

I would just like to add...if you think that when they get to a certain age you will stop worrying about them and putting their needs first, think again. You'll worry about them when they are taking exams, you'll worry every time they go out with friends, when they start driving, when they move out/go to uni you'll worry if they are eating properly/getting drunk too often/being treated well by their partner/boss at work, whether they are happy, whether they can afford a place to live. In short, you will always thinking about them/putting their needs first, forever.

I would do it all again...but maybe try to worry less!

Nothing anyone says will prepare you. I'd print out this thread, tear it into tiny pieces, then burn it whilst dancing around the flames, laughing hysterically and painting your face with jam. Doing that will prepare you for having children as much as reading about it will.

That being said, people keep doing it so believe us that it's worth it

It's massively changed my life, but you adapt, just like you've adapted to everything else in your life up to now.

I know this isn't a concrete example, but this is the biggest change i saw in myself (bear with me, this might sound loopy): when DD was a couple of days old I was overcome with the feeling that my heart was tethered to her. I felt like my heart literally had chains around it, making it so heavy, whereas before it had been light and floaty, now it was heavy and anchored to her. Not in a bad way, but I knew that whatever happened, my heart would never be the same again and that was it. If she died, if i gave her up for adoption (i wasn't thinking of doing that!), even when she's 40, my heart wouldn't go back to how it was. Does that sound crazy? I suppose it's just a variation of the dawning realisation that everything's different.

I am still very sleep deprived (two years on) so apologies if that sounds mad. Did anyone else feel like that?

There is an inbetween-have one, if I am honest our life is pretty easy and even when he was a baby it wasn’t too tricky, we even accompanied dh on a business trips by plane when ds was 3 weeks and 12 weeks, he came out in the evening happily while we did client drinks etc. He slept through from 10 weeks so sleep got back to normal too. I am a sahm Mum now to a 5 year old, financially we are happy. He is really fun to be around and I love the holidays, in term time I get plenty of time to do my own thing and go running, meet with friends and keep the house tidy. So dh happy as he comes home to a tidy house and not worrying about dinner although he often offers to help me or cooks dinner. Ds is an age where he doesn’t need any special equipment apart from a car seat and he can happily play by himself (obviously we do play with him too). Our house has no toys downstairs (he can bring them down but they go up again) so doesn’t look like a crèche. Going out is easy I regularly and have done since he was tiny take him for day trips to London sometimes with zero notice just on a whim. He is used to going to restaurants so we still go to nice restaurant and he doesn’t need a kids menu. I often take him for an activity in London then meet husband with ds somewhere for a cocktail and nibbles etc. so still have a feeling of our before life. We can get out of the house quickly and Grandparents love having him so regularly ask to have him whether we want to go out or not. Ds really happy as an only, our marriage is strong and life doesn’t feel stressed most of the time. He is flexible on lunchtime but he really needs supper at 5 so if we are all together we have lunch together but we can’t eat at 5 (and dh hasn’t even left the office by then in the week) so at weekends we will sit down with him when he has his supper and often we have nibbles or something with him then have an adult dinner later. Now he is 5 we happily have lie ins at weekend too which is so nice to get back. Of course it isn’t all perfect but when it is not we are 2:1 or worst case 1:1 and and at weekend you can ‘tag’ out if you want so you have a break if it’s a trying day.

I've only got one and he's changed my life but not nearly as much as I feared! The main thing that changes is spontaneity, you can't just meet girlfriends last minute or go for unplanned drinks straight from work. You can still do those things but they need to be planned and childcare arranged. You can't please yourself as much, so if it's raining and you just want to spend the day on the sofa watching Netflix's you can't - you have to make the effort to get out / entertain a restless child - often braving the hell that is soft play (who knew he'll was soft?). In terms of when you start a family, that's a personal choice but I have no regrets about waiting. I travelled and went on wonderful holidays and had lots of spontaneous drinks / dinners out before I had a baby and didn't mind the change. I felt liked I'd done a lot of great stuff and so don't feel like I'm missing out now.

The love you feel for them is overwhelming. It's such a powerful emotion it's impossible to describe. No love for another adult is even comparable to the kind of love you have for your child. Makes you very vulnerable. All of the above in my own peraonal experience.

On a practical side, you don't have that much personal freedom for first few months (up to a year). Unless you're rich enough to pay for help of course. In fact the less well off you are financially the more changes you will experience. If you're loaded you might not be affected that much.