How much does having children really change your life?

[sunshinecloudyday]

I'm not quite ready to have children yet and I know everyone says 'your life is completely changed forever' but that is really difficult to imagine. I've never had younger siblings or cousins either. I want to hear from you all of the little day to say things that change - for the better or worse! And whether you think it's best to start having kids earlier or to wait? I want to make a fully formed decision when the time is right!

Well my eldest is 10 and the youngest is 4. It's a piece of cake compared to when they were younger. I've been really quite poorly today and very little maintenance has been required to remain sat on the couch keep things going.

But a life with children is a life radically altered. A lot of it is good and some of it is tricky. It's a great adventure though.

My life was better before.

I don't mean that I don't love DS. I adore him to the point of pain. It's precisely that - for me there is such a vulnerability which comes with having children. The anxiety about him is all consuming and never end him. The responsibility is overwhelming.

Never endING.

This is all really negative and disheartening to hear.

There are very few places you can speak honestly about motherhood.

Same with childbirth.

IMO the reason why children often destroy relationships is a lot of women don't realise how selfish the men they are married to are until a baby comes along.

Anyone reading this thinking about kids - if your partner doesn't pull his weight now it will get worse after the kids come along and you WILL mind. Nip it in the bud now or bin him.

You start wearing waterproof coats with hoods as you don't have a spare hand to carry an umbrella.

Haha, yes! I remember my mother offering to buy me a really beautiful, expensive coat for my birthday. It was gorgeous and the sort of thing I'd have loved a few years before. I declined the kind offer, saying I needed a properly waterproof anorak with a decent hood and I didn't care what it looked like. She was a bit put out as I suspect it was an attempt to 'smarten me up'.

If I had a penny for each time I've asked why no one has created a pram/buggy clip to attach your own umbrella to, I'd be rich indeed. Why don't these exist? Surely they'd sell well?

Who needs an pram umbrella when you can rock this look?

I think a lot of it also depends on finances and family help as well.

For instance, I had twins with no paid help or family help so did everything myself. My life completely changed.

At the same time, a close friend had 1 child (and they made a conscious decision to stick to 1 child) with a lot more disposable income and 3 sets of grandparents living very close (one set were divorced so had the child separately). Basically for them the child went to a grandparent every weekend and because they had lots of cash they went away most weekends or at least enjoyed a good night out every Saturday. During the week child was frequently looked after by a grandparent so parents could go out to dinner etc.

Obviously even if you don't have relatives living close if you can afford it you can pay for nannys/babysitters/cleaners to make your life easier.

I once read that having children is like walking around the world with your heart outside your body. It’s cheesy but for me that is true. Having kids has made everything bigger, happier, more beautiful and interesting but also scarier, more worrying, more intense and more complex.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and got extremely depressed reading posts like these.

Thankfully, it hasn't been all that bad.

I don't get too worried about routines and stuff, me and my baby co-sleep at night and nap times - this way I still get a lot bit of sleep even though he's still breast-feeding on demand at almost one!

I live in a big city so don't feel very isolated, and have friends round. I live in a small flat so although housework has def become a "thing" since having a baby, it isn't a huge obstacle.

I did PhD applications on maternity leave and have now gone back to working p/t night shifts from home, and I get no help or childcare. I found it doable.

Having a baby in my mid twenties has probably worked for me - I was really struggling with life/ everyday tasks/ sleep before I had my baby - he's actually forced me to fix a lot of these things. I've probably never eaten, slept better or bathed so much since puberty...maybe having a baby this age forces you to grow up in a positive way, but 10 years later can feel more disruptive.

I don't miss partying but I miss working in cafes/ going for coffee with friends alone - after one year he'll be in nursery p/t and hopefully can do this again.

The only times that i feel really miserable and sorry for myself is when I've been physically ill - at those points I usually go visit my parents.

I think it would be extremely different with more than one kid though - no idea how people manage!!

I don't know who it was said 'You are only ever as happy as your least happy child.'

But... I suspect it's true.

Meh, it hasn't changed for me at all really.

DS is now 3 months old. Slept through from birth. He goes to bed at 9 and doesn't awake until 10amish. Heaven help me if I try waking him to do something early for once

I still have long, hot showers. My house is still clean and tidy. I still look normal and fresh.

Everyone told me it would be hellish have a new baby. Bollocks!

1. Tired. Always.
2. Every problem they present, once solved, is replaced with a new one. The problems get more complex as they get older, until you long for the days when your biggest issue was being up in the night with a newborn.
3. You may scoff at other parents' seeming failures and vow your child will never behave like that or have that effect on your life. Unless you're incredibly fortunate, they will and they will.
4. It brings more fulfilment

than you can ever imagine. (Just not all the time, maybe only glimpses, because most of it is hard work!)

Despite this, I'm so glad I had them and I'm proud that I did...although what kind of world they will face as adults worries me on a daily basis.

Forgot to add -

It's the happiest but most vulnerable I've ever been. Vulnerable in a sense that my heart is constantly on alert to getting broken any time.

My son is quite literally everything to me, and that's a wonderful and scary thing

Also, I thought the love I'd feel for my baby would be this unconditional biological attachment. But its not...I love him for who he is, if that makes any sense! I still actually struggle with the concept that he's "mine". He could have come from anywhere, and I'd still love him the same!

It's easy to describe all the hassle that comes with children, but its not easy to describe how beautiful it is - Zadie Smith described her children as a "joy" rather than a pleasure - I think there's a lot of truth to this.

You may notice OP that the replies saying "oh I've found it fairly easy" have children who sleep well.

Mine don't and never have, I'm constantly exhausted.

Being constantly exhausted makes me a different person. I'm grumpier, less fun, less inclined to go out even when I get the chance.

My advice? Don't have children based on some sort of tally of pros v cons. Have children if you really, really feel like you want a child. You'll know the urge if it hits you. Without that urge, I'd be regretting having them. I don't regret it because I know I had that urge and so would have been miserable without them.

I agree with a pp who said having one is a middle option. It is a lot easier with one. But, seeing the fun my two have together, I don't regret having two.

Everyone told me it would be hellish have a new baby. Bollocks!

I didn't find the newborn bit difficult at all. The toddler years have been on another level!!!

Most of these posts are about having young children.

I have 4DC, and I manage to;

Go to the loo alone
'Nip/pop' somewhere quickly
Have lie ins
Go out with my partner.

My DC range from 17yrs - 7yrs. So things change as they get older.

Having children does change your life - in the early days it's the practical things, such as bigger car, house, loads of stuff to cart around, no sleep/time etc, but as they get older, they get more expensive. Think, school residential trips, sports activities, instrument lessons, holidays are more expensive, clothes/shoes are more expensive, then there is; 6th form transport costs (currently £1,000 a year for 1DC) driving lessons, car insurance, university top ups, etc.

As they get older, it's the responsibility for ensuring they are good people, it's the coaching, mentoring, teaching ethics, life skills, budgeting, cooking etc, treating people with respect, being inclusive, tolerant etc. Being responsible for how an adult turns out is way more of a life change for me, than getting no lie ins for a few years.

You need to think through the whole thing, OP, you're a parent for life, not just while they're toddlers.

I feel like I've had a personality transplant. I don't recognise myself anymore. I am a completely different person.

I have two boys, one is 10 and the other is 5. I adore them. I would agree that two children is more than double the work of one.

Your experience will depend entirely on the type of children you end up having, the support you have from your partner and family and friends, finances, living arrangements and lifestyle. One of my boys has severe special needs, which was a huge shock to us when they became apparent. My life will never be the same again - he needs support (emotional, financial, practical, educational, caring - everything) and will do for life. We will need to make provision for him after we die. His brother's life will change as a result.

Everyone expects their lives to be different when their children are small. It is unrealistic to expect otherwise. But most people will get their sense of normal back at some point. Parenting is a leap into the dark.

It’s like permanently playing
whack-a-mole, as soon as you sort out one problem another one pops up

I was one of those people who was adamant that children would not change my life...oh boy how wrong was I.

DD is only 1, but the life I live now is unrecognizable to what it was before. Not necessarily in a bad way, but inevitably it is now all about DD, nap schedules, bed time, weaning...I don't think a single part of my day to day life is the same as it was.

I loves her like crazy though and am nearly 34 weeks pregnant....so it can't be that bad!

It does change your life but they can also “fit in” with your life -our LO (5months) comes to all our social events, we take her on the holidays we usually go on, we pretty much do what we used to do.

I think the way it changes things is having someone that’s reliant on you- you can’t just have a morning in bed- you have to get up and feed and change and entertain another person all day- you can’t just sit and watch tele because they get bored of being in one place for 5 minutes.

Work takes a back seat and you wonder why you ever cared as much and when you go back you intend to care a bit less and not worry about it half as much- you can do a good job without overthinking it.

I worry so much - to be fair, I was always a worrier but no matter what I do or try to shift my thinking, I constantly worry about her, I barely leave her alone for 5 mins even when she’s napping to try and get jobs done as I’m worried about X Y and Z - I hoped I’d be more chilled out but I’m definitely not and I know this will also get worse!

I guess for me I miss the good sleeps at night, being able to laze occasionally on a Sunday morning (although she’s amazing and sleeps really well- we even managed a 9am lie on one Sunday!) being able to just think for myself whereas now I need to get stuff ready for her and be prepared when leaving the house. This is only at 5 months so things will change even more as she gets bigger.

But...I wouldn’t change it for the world! When you see your LO growing and learning, you literally can’t be prouder that you created such a clever and beautiful little thing!!

You never stop worrying and my DC are adults now. A cliche but true.

@notanaturalmum I feel you

I finally learned the true meaning of "family is the most important thing in the world". Having a helpful extended family living nearby can be a huge help in navigating parenthood. Also knowing how much love I have for my children brought a new level of understanding of how much my own parents love me. They just nodded their heads and smiled when I told them this...they went through the same experience.

Diminished ability to plan ahead. E.g. if a child is ill, I or husband have to drop everything at no notice.

Realizing how important our own actions are in demonstrating the values and priorities we want our children to hold. I think it's made me a better person, or at least more mindful about making good choices when I can/remember to.