How much does having children really change your life?

[sunshinecloudyday]

I'm not quite ready to have children yet and I know everyone says 'your life is completely changed forever' but that is really difficult to imagine. I've never had younger siblings or cousins either. I want to hear from you all of the little day to say things that change - for the better or worse! And whether you think it's best to start having kids earlier or to wait? I want to make a fully formed decision when the time is right!

Dh and I go out together around x 4 per year - because one of ours too little to leave and no family nearby

One of mine has sn so I can only work around school pick ups and drop offs as he needs me there then.

A child or children? Different ball games! Also, the most over-looked factor, who with? If he doesn't pull his weight now, you might not mind. When the workload increases exponentially, you probably will. Every single time you want to change the routine of your life, you essentially need your partners permission. You won't call it that, but you do. Eg recently I wanted to go to the theatre one night with my friend. DH was asked to work in another town far away and not be home until the theatre starts. Whichever we did, we needed the other to agree (we actually get on so just digging our heels in and being a git wasn't an option).
Kids have individual personalities. Also they go through phases. Sometimes they are delightful, other times less so. A couple of months down the line and it's all change. A pp said about never going to the toilet alone. That wasn't a particular issue for me, however the converse it true. They can't go to the toilet out and about without you (until the get older obvs). And cubicles aren't designed for 2 adult and two kids. That isn't a big enough reason to decide against kids though!

As well as children (everyone has made the points I was thinking of above!), it was pregnancy that changed life for me. Before I got pregnant I just assumed that when I was pregnant life would just go on as normal, maybe I’d have a few cravings and be a bit tired, but life would carry on. Ha! I got hyperemesis gravidarum and I was hospitalised with dehydration nineteen times with DD and it was even worse with DS. It was utter hell, but surviving it, twice, has made me a different person. And, even with all the points above, I can tell you that my DD and DS were worth every single minute, and I would do it all again for them. So basically, your life is not the same AT ALL, but it’s worth it

For me I think the biggest change has been how much space my daughter takes up in my brain. I am always thinking of her needs and happiness, and worrying about any potential dangers.

Even when someone else (my partner or family) takes her out so I have some time to myself, I am thinking about her pretty much constantly and hoping she is ok. When she is asleep I am anticipating her waking up (although nights are more predictable now, naps can be any length of time) so never fully relax.

Having said all that, I could never even imagine how much I could love a tiny human, my love and protectiveness are so powerful. It’s amazing to see her grow and develop, and to see how she looks like her dad and I.

I hope the level of worrying lessens a little as she gets older but I would not change having her for the world, best thing I have ever done.

I was 35 when I had her and wouldn’t have been ready in my 20’s.

You start wearing waterproof coats with hoods as you don't have a spare hand to carry an umbrella.

Thank you everyone I have really enjoyed reading these!
Definitely i will be doing everything I want to do for me (i.e. promotions at work, buy a bigger house, go on a nice holiday) before having children.
You certainly haven't put me off!

The speed of time seems to change too. Stuck in the park with a toddler in the freezing cold? 30 seconds seems to last half an hour. Put them down for a nap to get stuff done? An hour seems like 5 minutes!

Then suddenly they are 22 and 18 and those years have gone by in a flash!

it changes your entire focus. Pre children your life is about you after children it becomes them if you asked a mum how many times she had gone out to buy something for herself but came back with something for DC there would be a huge proportion

As people have said it is basically constant work. The good news is you are very motivated to do the work. Personally, I am maternal and it gives me an outlet for that. Also lots of time to myself doesn’t suit me, I used to just get depressed. Right now I’m always busy and have purpose it’s much better for me. When I do get a chance to do something for myself I enjoy it so much more than I used to, because it’s a rare treat. I worry about myself after they leave home!!

I think it depends what stage of life you are in and how many children you have. I had my first at 20 and life was different but I still had time to myself and was able to continue to do some of the things I did before, although not as often. Now I have four, I have no time for myself, I am very limited on things to do/ places to go. So life now is more of a change to when I had one child, rather than going from no children to one.

You realise how self absorbed you were before :-)

I tidied this room completely 1 hour ago. It never ends. I can’t keep the house clean!

I'm without children for 2 days and having trouble filling the time.

Getting sick.
You can't just go to bed and sleep it off. You have tiny humans to consider and they need to be kept alive and entertained. Even if you're at deaths door.

I used to get 8 hours sleep a night; now it's more like 4. My baby wakes at 5.30 then my toddler at 6. My toddler went through a phase of waking at 4.30am when he was younger. So you never get a lie-in. To leave the house at 9am I need to start planning my exit from 6am. Baby needs bottle, baby needs nap, toddler needs breakfast, both need nappy changed, I need to somehow get showered and dressed etc etc. Then the day is spent scheduling naps, bottles, food....
I can't just 'pop' out, I can't just go away for the weekend, everything needs properly planned to arrange childcare.
Childcare costs £750 a month for 2 at Nursery...
Yes you can be that person that says 'a baby won't change me, I'll just take it out to the restaurant and we'll do the same holidays etc'. That won't happen trust me. It's life changing but very rewarding.

Picking up on a PP regarding a change/shift of your relationship with a DH/DP, there is a rather lovely quote from Ryan Reynolds...

"I used to say to (Blake), ‘I would take a bullet for you, I could never love anything as much as I love you,’ And then the second I looked in that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby."

I get up at 5.25 and we leave the house at 8.20. I marvel at these parents who do the whole thing in half an hour. My DC would hate it, as they hate being rushed.

I agree with everything above. However, both my parents died when I was a teenager so after being married for 20+ years and three kids who are 11-17 nothing beats having a happy, warm and loving family around you. It has, and continues to be massively healing for me.

Oh gosh. I'm 29 and no where near to having kids. Really not sure I even want them and this thread has definitely made me realise I'm fairly sure I don't will show this to OH next time I'm getting nagged about babies.

Weekends are no longer ours. We work full time so most of the extra activities are in the weekend. We have gymnastics on Saturdays and swimming on sundays. We used to be able to just do what we like in the weekend.

After work commute can be stressful as I can’t be late for pick up.

Washing machine is on every day.

Holidays are planned around the children. Think zoos, theme parks, etc.

Holidays only during term breaks.

Evenings after work are spent cooking dinner, doing dishes, laundry, packing school bags and tidying up the mess they have made. If it’s not a school day I need to make pack lunch too.

You will be more tired than ever before.
You will be woken several times a night.
Leaving the house takes major planning, having to pack nappies, wipes, a change of clothes, maybe a bottle and food, toys, dummies etc etc . And when You're finally ready the baby will poo or be asleep or need feeding ..
Your time is never your own.
You may feel depressed.
You won't feel like having sex.
All you think about is keeping your baby safe- why is he crying, does something hurt, is he hungry .. again? What's that rash? Etc etc. Nothing else is important, certainly not your husband.
Husbands don't understand why you've no time for them.
You'll be in pain .. From an episiotomy, or caesaerian. Even sitting hurts.
If you're breastfeeding your boobs will hurt.
You don't become thin again magically - unlike celebrities.

Everyone here is talking about having small kids, which is generally just a few years.
You get yourself back after that.

Swanmills, I agree, everything sounds really negative, but I think when you have kids, everything pales into significance and I don't mind missing out on going out, having less time to myself. I wouldn't go back to being childless to have my freedom, time and money back. It just becomes a new version of you, if that makes sense?

Ohyes mine are 27, 26, 10 and 6 and I'm still waiting! 😂

I went from having no kids to two (twins) and I can’t even put into words what’s different because it’s literally everything.

We are in a more extreme position than most as we have no family around and if I could give one piece of advice - if you have family and can move closer to them, do it! Things you take for granted (being able to just pop out if the need / mood takes you, going to the cinema, going out for a meal, going away for a few days to visit someone, going on holiday, working, bingeing on a box set til 3am) suddenly become impossible. Getting out of the house is a military operation.

But I am completely different too - happier, more content, my house is actually clean because I have to clean it otherwise they’ll eat whatever they can find on the floor and injure themselves with what they leave lying around.

It’s easy to visualise all the negatives, all the things you can’t do any more, but you can’t visualise the positives - how they’ll make you feel, watching them turn from tiny babies into little people, the joy when they come over to you for a cuddle because they love you, when they do something new for the first time, when they find something completely banal hilarious. They are absolutely awesome. I am bloody exhausted but it’s worth it.