How much does having children really change your life?

[sunshinecloudyday]

I'm not quite ready to have children yet and I know everyone says 'your life is completely changed forever' but that is really difficult to imagine. I've never had younger siblings or cousins either. I want to hear from you all of the little day to say things that change - for the better or worse! And whether you think it's best to start having kids earlier or to wait? I want to make a fully formed decision when the time is right!

Massively. Constantly. In every single way. I thought it wouldn't and the "kids would just wrap around me". Ha.

Ha.

Ha.....

I never wanted children. Ever. Then my SIL had her two and they were such sweet little characters I thought it would be nice.

My husband was adamant life wouldn't change much but I knew it would. I just didn't know how much.

It depends on how much help you have. Sometimes I do absolutely everything myself and it leads to burnout and then I break down and my husband steps in. He is getting better, it's a huge learning curve and he still isn't used to having to put this tiny person first. You don't realise the strain it will put on your relationship.

You also think you know what kind of parent you will be, except you have no idea. 'She'll go to bed whenever, I won't worry myself with routine' (ha, she goes to bed at 6:30 and I stress about her daytime naps like mad), 'I'll definitely sleep train when she's older' (agh, I can't bear the crying) 'I'll be really laid back like I am now' (I am anything but calm!!!)

I am unfortunate enough to have PND. It makes me doubt everything but my one constant is that I love her more than life itself. I love her more than my husband (I'll never tell him that). I would do ANYTHING for her. It was something that really frightened me and that made my PND worse. I wasn't enough for how perfect she was.

I'm a bit better now and I spend my days finding ways to make her laugh, taking her places to keep her interested and taking naps with her. I love her more every day. And she is such a happy baby (everyone comments on this) that I am happy too. I put my heart and soul in to being her mum.

I do take the entire contents of mothercare with me everywhere, and the amount of poo I have to clean up is ridiculous. Also, she likes to grab and eat everything in sight. This includes her food, my food, toys, plants, books, washing and the dog.

I have had some really, really dark days. Some that I thought I wouldn't come out of. But she's like my little sunshine (cheesy or what!!). I remember once that I had an absolutely awful day that consisted of two 30minute naps, lots of whinging and screaming, and a huge amount of sick and poo. But in the evening I was bathing her and she saw the plug hole and absolutely cracked up laughing and she was fascinated with it and tried to touch it and I could see this little discovery light up her face. It was so silly but it made me cry!

That's enough from me..!!

Whoops. She's 7 months for context.

I think some people just have very chilled portable dc.

When I was at uni I had a mature student friend who had three kids by 24. She used to bring them to our student flats and they would all sleep tucked up in our double bed while we all drank wine and ate a big dinner.

There is NO WAY any of mine would have done that.

Should have said they were studio flats so kiss literally in same room as the dinner chat!

*following

Beachorpool wait till he's mobile love. Let's see what you're saying then.

Completely. For better and worse.

A child sleeps between us now. I love that. Because I pictured him here, there.. in our bed, before he was here and now he's here. That's lovely.

You aren't free anymore. You aren't alone in your mind any more. You have complete responsibility for another person. It's beautiful and terrifying. You can't just go to the cinema. Or.. go to the city and do whatever all day long because the baby has to eat and nap and gets restless and noisy and won't sit still.

If the baby is unwell, you have to take care of him/her, and it's heart breaking to see them struggle.

Initially car journeys meant the baby slept. Now the baby doesn't like the car seat so the baby cries whenever we drive anywhere which makes going any where stressful.

Life becomes more.. for us at least.. shift-like? We used to go to the gym at the same time. Now we take turns. One of us makes dinner while the other entertains the baby. One washes up, the other puts the baby to sleep.

Life's simpler too in a way. Home is where I want to be most of the time. A take away coffee from Starbucks in the supermarket car park while listening to Radio 4 as the baby sleeps is a date for us now. Your life changes but you adapt.

Just live now. Take lots of aeroplane flights. Go to bed late. Sleep in late. Be an adult and enjoy your freedom before kids. I wouldn't go back to kidfree life for all the tea in China. But I won't be having any more kids either.

Definitely agree with PP that having sleep is pretty make or break. I would certainly be enjoying parenting much less if DD didn’t sleep so well. It would make things 1000 x harder.

Mine are older and for me it's the realisation that I'll always care about them so deeply it's actually quite depressing. Whatever heartache or disappointment they go through I feel it too for them. I can never be content in my life if one of them is unhappy. It really is life changing.

I missed sleep so much. I missed quietness and being alone. Reading, watching crap tv all day, HOLIDAYS! Oh God I missed real grown up holidays. Having disposable income. And just time. Having time. But Ive always wanted children. It was just in me. I had all my twenties to enjoy myself. Then had my 1st at 30. I have no regrets. Yes those early days were hard but worth all the work. My youngest is 2 and is a dream compared to my first 2. So I feel we have come out of the fog and we are finally getting sleep, a little time here and there. Life is good as my kids are healthy and happy. Thats all I can ask for. They make me laugh every day and Im incredibly proud of them.

My Vinny is no good at foreplay. Any suggestions.

Please refrain from using 'downunder jokes'

Bad points- Life changes more than you can ever imagine. You change. Your partner changes. Your relationship changes. You won't remember what you spoke about before having DC. It's really tiring, frustrating and testing. I thought it would all come natural to me and that I would love being a SAHM but I get sooooo bored at times (after the 10th nappy change) and feel like I've lost some of my identity.

Good points- it's the most rewarding, important job ever. You love them more than you ever imagine, which can sometimes turn you into a crazy overprotective mum! When the smile and giggle it's the best feeling ever

My stomach went saggy and my belly button has gone so far onwards, I fear it will require a caving expedition to ever find it again. I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that I have lost my figure for good. Oh and I lost weight in pregnancy, not gained it.

There's no such thing as 'just nipping out for...' as leaving the house requires military level precision and when baby is taking a nap you will not want to disturb her/him. Going out in general is tricky and I have had to miss friend's birthdays and events because it clashed with DP's work or his events and someone will have to miss out to babysit.

It involves being up at 3am rocking an infant to sleep because she woke herself up hitting herself in the face. You'll be so tired you can barely stand. At the start this won't even be an option because she won't go to sleep unless she's on you or your boob, which means going to bed at the same time as an infant and not being able to nap.

And yet, there is something so amazing watching a little person that you made with your own body grow and get a personality. I don't think there is a right time to have a child. It will completely turn your life upside down. I am 27 and I still wonder if I made the right decision not to wait longer. I feel so young to have put my career on hold and sometimes I feel too young to be responsible for another person. The scariest decision I ever made was to come off the pill but I have no regrets. I'm only 3 months into parenthood but even though I do miss aspects of my pre-mother life, I wouldn't give this up for anything.

I actually think the hardest thing is how relentless it is. You know being a parent is a 24/7 job but I didn't actually get how trapping that would be until I lived it. You don't get weekends off like you do with a normal job. Day in, day out is the same routine, the same shit all over again. Even if I get a night off because a grandparent wants to take the baby for a few hours on their own, I find it difficult to unwind and my brain is constantly worrying that everything is fine.

Since my first child was born, I have lived in a country where live in help is the norm (6 day week) so I am doing the parenting-lite thing. Becoming a parent has still changed my life beyond recognition.

• The mental load (playdates, ECA's , parties, school projects, homework, FML)
• Cant swear the whole time.
• You may get a kid who is happy to spend 4 hours in the Tate but there aren't many of them
• If you're someone who appreciates peace and quiet, it'll take some adjusting.
• When you say you don't like kids and people say "but you'll like your own" bear in mind that having your own kids generally means that you have to spend a lot of time with other peoples' kids.

The positive is ds is amazing I love him more than anything and more than I thought was possible

The rest, I’ve had very little sleep since he was born 7 months ago and tonight I will have had 90 minutes sleep, lots of washing, I plan to leave the house mostly it’s not worth the effort, relationship with partner dramatically changes. The biggest surprise /shock for me was that other people’s perception of you changes from who you were before to Mother and that’s it, and that has economic implications.

Having children made me a better person. Kinder and more empathic but also stronger, able to take a stand in lots of different contexts (some child related)

Goldentriangle, yes! That is it exactly.

Everyone tells you how much it changes when they are babies, how you have no free time, no money, no sleep, no spontaneity etc, how it impacts on your relationship in a not good way. But, noone tells you that some of these factors are as difficult a decade in and some of the issues get worse, by the way my kids are not SN. Kids need more as they get older, the logic is that you can work more, but they still need you to be present so you cannot work all the hours that God sends to pay for everything. Its easy to say that money cant buy you love, but thats not quite true. My oldest DS goes to high school in September, he has sleep problems, my husband and I rarely sleep in the same bed and he has got some problems and I have got a referal to CAMS. All this means is that I have years of still being needed a lot at home, husband works shifts and we have no family around. Luckily (or unluckily in some respects) I am self-employed so have quite a lot of much needed flexibility, but I need to build up the working from home rather than out aspect of this to cover for all eventualities. I worry about are increased mortgage (we are just about to move house cause we need more room), my lack of pension provision, lack of saving for uni fees etc - I do save some moey. Also the chances are that even if your partner is hands on (mine is pretty good), it is still your career, social life and identity that take a knock. When I manage to get out for a night its awesome but probably only happens every couple of weeks at the most. Dont get me wrong I love my boys greatly, but I wish I had been more sorted financially before having them. I also wish that our family set up had been different, although that is beyond my control. Apologies, I realise this all sounds very first world, but they are real issues to take into consideration. In terms of age, I was 32 and 35, I think this was about the right age, although it must be lovely to be in your 40s and to be getting your life back if you have had them younger.

@BeachOrPool don't get too carried away with the easiness of it all before the 4 month sleep regression hits - definitely not envy

@AmyLW it would make depressing reading if you haven't had your first child because it's not until you have them that you get the release of not caring about things as much as your baby.

I can literally read the list and say endless chores uh huh sleep deprivation yep would I swap it for not having my baby? Hell no! Those things don't matter. Family does.

Inthedeepdarkwinter Ah but I was a single parent who ended up with an 8 year old and a newborn, disabled and alone after my partner became extremely violent. My youngest also has autism and didn't sleep more than two hours at a time for the first four years of her life! I swear if she'd been born first she would have been an only child!

My 19 year old arrived home late last night from uni, she has a football match today, so got home, announced her kit was filthy and put it in the machine. Then informed me that it has to be air dried not tumble dried and could I please just hang it up in the laundry cupboard before going off to bed! To be fair, she'd been up since the crack of dawn, had an exam, then had a four hour drive back, got into a minor shunt on the motorway (luckily low speed when I guy hit the back of her car in slow moving traffic so no damage or injuries) then had to stop at the scene of an accident and was on scene for 1.5 hours as no ambulances had arrived so was there with fire fighters and police as the most qualified first aider even though she's only just finished her first year! So I forgave her and did her kit. And today I will give her £50 to see her through to her next paycheck. Because as a parent you just do these things. Not all the time and not as a slave but sometimes you find yourself just going into automatic parent mode no matter how old they are.

Babies and toddlers RULE your life, basically. Its ALL about them

Once they're older, you can of course still do all the stuff you mentioned - get promoted at work, move house, travel, have fun etc.

But in my experience, you are completely changed forever in a way that is hard to explain. I think the main things for me are that you will never again make decisions based purely on what you want or need. Your children are always factored in. And you will never have that sense of complete freedom you had pre-kids because of the responsibility that you have and that always lurks in the background even in your most carefree moments.

I've a party to go to in a few hours. But right now my little one is sick. Instead of cleaning the house and begging to get ready, I'm here on the sofa with a little one asleep on me. I'm probably going no where tonight now. But also I'm blissfully happy, just here, right now, trapped by a toddler.