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Original poster

Can you remember life before the kids came?

135 replies

Kitkat369 · 05/02/2018 09:04

Hi, I’m ttc at moment my first and thinking about something my SIL said to me recently about her first where she mentioned she couldn’t remember life prior to daughter coming along. Made me wonder if these is common thing?

I have to say it did freak me out a bit as I do love my selfish independence just hubby and I but then I do get those pangs for wanting to be a mum.

Also how did it affect your relationship with OH once baby came?

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Whatsinanameanyway201 · 05/02/2018 09:05

My relationship with my husband was much better before kids. Since kids he's just left me to do everything. He's not hands on and does absolutely nothing with the kids. I used to look at him with such adoration, now its just pure resentment.
Likewise, I can't remember my life before my children but I wouldn't be without them ever, they make my life worth living x

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 05/02/2018 09:13

I remember having so much sleep and so much time. I also remember the anxiety from constantly worrying I wasn’t using my time effectively. Now that’s gone because I have no time ever. Ever! Unless I’m bouncing babies to sleep I’m busy. My life now bears not even a vague resemblance to my life before kids.

We had DS then 3 years later we had DTs. When DTs were born I said to DP, “for the next two years we forgive each other for all the tantrums, all the dramas and just accept our relationship won’t be great for a while. At 2 years we’ll regroup and fix everything”.

We still care about each other but there’s no time for a real relationship. In the evenings we clean for an hour together and chat, maybe an hour of tv after that if we’re not too tired, then bed. DTs sleep in our room and we’re up feeding them most nights. No privacy. No time to just relax. But we know we’ll get there. We’re both willing to be patient.

theworstwife · 05/02/2018 09:15

The self sacrifice of having a child for me was more than I had even imagined -time, space to think, body, self-perception. It takes some adjustment. I love my DS and I wouldn’t change anything but for me the transition to being a mother wasn’t easy. My relationship with my DH is still good, he is an excellent father and a considerate partner. Life is tough with a newborn and you’ll both be tired and ratty but if you try and be kind to each other it will pass

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IfNot · 05/02/2018 09:16

Of course I can. I had a kid not a head trauma!
The main difference is that you have less money and you always have to factor in someone else's needs to your plans. That's about it really.

pastabest · 05/02/2018 09:17

Everyone experiences it differently.

Do I miss being able to waltz off and get my hair cut on a whim, yes.
Do I wish I got a bit more sleep. Absolutely
Do I often feel like it's drudgery of endless nappies and washing and In the Night Garden. Fucking right I do.

Do I ever regret having DC? Never ever ever. Even on the worst days (and there's are always some really shitty days in parenting).

As for relationships it really can be testing for some as children means that your priorities change and some people men find it hard making the adjustment.

I got pregnant only 6 months after meeting DP. We didn't even live together at that time. When we had the baby there wasn't an 'old' us to have to try and readjust from as we hadn't already got set in particular ways etc and it does seem like we found the early days of parenthood much easier than some of our peers. I suppose neither of us had any particular expectations of the other so we just muddled along. We now have a toddler and are expecting DC2 and are still happy.

Whilst I would never recommend people take the same course as let's face it most of the time it could end up going horribly wrong, I do find it interesting that friends of ours who have been together for many years before having children seem to find the adjustment and the change to their previous life the hardest because they have more to 'lose' as a previously child free couple.

beckieperk · 05/02/2018 12:52

My dh is very helpful and great around the house. Having said that he is now back at work and when he's at home i feel like I'm asking him to do me a favour if i want him to watch the baby....ie I'm going to the shop, please can you be on baby watch?? I shouldn't have to ask. Also i sometimes feel resentment as his life doesn't seem to change much. My body and life has changed dramatically.....dh is the same. I know neither of these things are strictly his fault....but its the way i feel.
Would i change any of it? No. We are so much better this time than with ds1 6.5. We are more organised and also accepting of one another if things dont go to plan. The sex life isn't back yet.....but that's me more than him as i struggle with tiredness more, plus i go to bed at same time as dc1 and dh stays up to do the late feed so we get less quality time together. But it won't be forever and they are worth it. Would i turn the clock back.....no. I see my child free freinds occasionally and they are literally doing the same thing as 10 years ago.....same pubs, same drinks, same hangovers, same men issues and same complaints.
Being a parent isnt for everyone though, so make sure you are willing to make a sacrifice before signing up. Putting someone else first....always....is the name of the game for a loving parent.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 05/02/2018 13:36

It's a big change, and a lot of your experience depends on your child's character/potential health problems and the amount of support you get, particularly from your partner.
Yes I can remember my life before having children, its a lot different now but overall I feel very lucky. I do think it's hard to imagine the impact children have on your life until you have them.

otherdoor · 05/02/2018 13:45

I only have one DC (for now) and honestly it's been ok. Yes it's an adjustment but I still do most of the things I did before kids. It just takes a bit more planning. I have a very supportive DH which helps!

Also my body is pretty much back to normal.

I do sometimes look back at those lazy weekends we had pre DC and wonder how I ever thought I was busy!! But to say my life bears no resemblance to how it was pretty kids would be an exaggeration.

FallenAngel89 · 05/02/2018 13:49

A little but I much prefer it with my DC and I miss them when we have a rare night away. It's the choice to have your heart walking around outside of your body for the rest of your life and it's the best choice I ever made Grin

IHaveACuntingPlan · 05/02/2018 13:51

Yes. I had money, a clean & tidy home, a full-time, well paid job, free time, weekends where I could rest and do as I pleased... I sometimes wonder why on earth I gave it up.

gamerwidow · 05/02/2018 13:52

DD is 7 but I can definitely remember how much less stressful life was before her. Not better just different. I miss having enough sleep and money but I wouldn’t be without her. I think my relationship with DH is better than ever now but the first year was hard and nearly broke us.

phoenix1973 · 05/02/2018 13:53

Yes. I was happier before kids. All my relationships and my earnings have been negatively affected. I clearly remember my life before kids. I had days where i was happy sometimes.

BzyB · 05/02/2018 13:54

I was 18 when I had my first who is now 15. I can safely say I would let want to be the person I was before kids again, plus I don’t really remember it as it was so long ago.

RefuseTheLies · 05/02/2018 13:56

I remember my life pre-DC with great clarity, and I miss it a lot.

WTFIsThisVirus · 05/02/2018 13:56

I remember having money lol

DP and I would go to the movies once a week, and a meal out nearly every weekend. That now happens once a month at the most

I was a lot slimmer

Random nights out happened more often

I actually really fucking miss it, but I love DS to bits

reallyanotherone · 05/02/2018 13:56

Of course I can. I had a kid not a head trauma!
The main difference is that you have less money and you always have to factor in someone else's needs to your plans. That's about it really.

This. It’s no different to remembering your life before you were an independent adult, at home with mum and dad. You just live with different family members and have different responsibilites.

Some people do seem to think the whole world has shifted because they had a child. People do it all the time, it isn’t a something no one has ever done before!

Titsywoo · 05/02/2018 13:57

Well it's been 13.5 years so I really don't remember. I prefer life since having kids though. I was a bit aimless before as after I traveled in my early 20's I came home and went from dull job to dull job and DH and I were really struggling financially. Having DD pushed us to make more of ourselves (we were 25 when we had her). Plus I got closer to my friends as they all started having kids soon after. Yes having kids was hard and boring at times (mainly when they were little) but I've never missed my life before but I suppose if I had an amazing life before with lots of money I might have felt differently! We now earn very well and own our own home and life is much better and fun than it used to be. DH and I are closer but that may have happened naturally anyway.

BehindThecamera · 05/02/2018 13:58

I remember! And I do miss it sometimes. The not having to think or worry about someone else, money to spend on yourself, being able to sit in peace and sleep whenever, going out with friends etc without a worry! Ahhhhhh I soooo miss it! I don’t regret having dd but you do change a little bit and looking back seems weird.

BzyB · 05/02/2018 13:58

Argh! Posted by accident and without proof reading! Wouldn’t want to be 18 again...

Anyway, I think depending on your relationship and how you choose to parent, you can still have a significant portion of your pre-parenthood life. In fact I think it’s pretty vital not to “lose yourself”

My youngest is 16m and I just had my first evening out since she was born and other than being in hospital to give birth I haven’t been away overnight from my 4 y old.
I don’t recommend that in the slightest. It’s not a good balance- just my circumstances dictated it was this way for me. I’m looking forward to getting back to doing stuff for me again.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 05/02/2018 13:58

Life before the older 2 was work, housework and clubbing. I'd look bloody stupid in a club now, tbh.

BehindThecamera · 05/02/2018 13:59

I’d love to be 18 again!!! Grin

jimijack · 05/02/2018 14:00

I do look back with wishful pangs of dreaming about sleeping more than 3 hours in one go.
I remember being able to just pop to the shops for a wander, a pint of milk, something for tea, I remember not having to worry about time.
Now I go into a shop anxiously knowing that I've been in the shop for more than 10 minutes and the screaming and climbing out of the trolley is about to start so have to have the list, get the stuff, get out quickly, no looking at anything.

I remember booking holidays and weekends away at a whim.
I remember my house with no damage or, mess, no smells with no obvious origin.
I never knew the pain of standing on a Lego brick.
I remember reading books, lots of books.
I remember silence, actual silence, with my own thoughts and plans in my head. That's all.
I remember not having the anxiety and stress of having to occasionally ask my mother to look after my child knowing that she really rather would not but I can't afford to turn down that extra shift at work as Christmas needs paying for. I recall not having to ask my mum for anything other than a nice lunch somewhere.

My husband can remember all of this too, he is a wonderful, hands on and adoring dad, I love him for this, he knows how much I struggle with this parenting lark, he is happy to take on 70% of it, he loves being a parent, I mourn my life as it was.

Emily7708 · 05/02/2018 14:00

God yes I remember and it’s all I think about some days. Mentally, physically, emotionally, professionally, financially, maritally - having kids was the worst thing I’ve ever done. There are some good parts but they don’t even slightly compensate for the bad!

CapnHaddock · 05/02/2018 14:00

Of course but I had my children after doing an awful lot of living :)

InDubiousBattle · 05/02/2018 14:04

Of course I can remember pre dc! We both worked long hours, spent or money on eating out and watching live music. We watched a lot of cricket. We would just head out for the day without much of a plan, just see where we ended up. We had lots and lots of sex.
We have two dc now and we have far less money, less free time and less sex. I think having dc will show up any cracks in your relationship, little annoyances become big ones when you're a bit skint and absolutely knackered! I woukd say that my relationship with dp was rock solid pre dc. We'd been together for many years and just loved each others company. Our relationship has changed but Fortunately we both love being parents and our dc are amazing !