Can you remember life before the kids came?

[Kitkat369]

Hi, I’m ttc at moment my first and thinking about something my SIL said to me recently about her first where she mentioned she couldn’t remember life prior to daughter coming along. Made me wonder if these is common thing?

I have to say it did freak me out a bit as I do love my selfish independence just hubby and I but then I do get those pangs for wanting to be a mum.

Also how did it affect your relationship with OH once baby came?

I joined a gym so that I could get peaceful showers and wee breaks when my kids were small

and yes, chatting through toilet doors is a lifelong thing

Sending lots of baby dust your way Kitkat369 ✨✨✨✨

I'm deliberately not reading replies so I give an honest response (but will go back and read).

My DD is 10 months old. I will admit, it definitely changed my relationship with DP. We went from being very wrapped up in each other, with lots of sex, to a very difficult pregnancy, to the newborn stage. We both miss the sex and she found it hugely hard feeling her body wasn't under her control and wasn't attractive. I think she's beautiful but she still feels bad about herself a lot of the time.

Emotionally it's difficult - we row over who should do more, and how we adjust to having a baby, and it does test you hugely.

But, on the positive side, babies are a lot of fun and they really do change your life in a good way. I wanted a baby for years and I feel incredibly lucky to have one. I don't miss the time before at all.

I will say, I think being prepared is key. I thought it would be really tough, having been on MN for ages. Actually it isn't as tough as it could be. But I know people who thought babies were easy, and they were much more blindsided when they actually got pregnant.

Yes - can always remember, but HOW I remember it depends what kind of day it is.

On a good day, when the house is moderately tidy, I've organized something nice for dinner, spent quality time with the kids, and DP and I have remembered to at least hug and say goodnight - then I think about my old single life (career becoming less satisfying, feeling as if I was missing the "other half of life" etc.) and feel sorry for my single self - almost a teeny big smug and a little sorry for friends I graduated with that are still without children.

BUT, on a bad day, and they happen surprisingly often in the first few years of parenting, when I've cleaned shit/vomit/snot/food off of clothes/furniture/floor/me, when the kids have been whining, and DP and I just bicker because we are so tired we can't be bothered with basic manners - then I find myself reaching for my headphones and desperately listening to any music that reminds me of the last time I felt free and interesting and SOMEONE, rather than just MUM.

It's a bit of an odd ride is parenting, but never boring.

I had my DC lateish aged 36 & 39

They are 11 & 14 now

Tbh I was bored before I had them

I’d travelled widely
I’d had a fulfilling career
I’d had homes that I’d done up etc
I’d eaten in wonderful restaurants etc

I was looking for something “more”

Never thought it’d be kids - was told at 18 I probably couldn’t have them

My life is so different now. I love it

I love love love my two DC (7 and 9).

Before I had them, we could:

travel
travel long-haul
spend more money
go out of an evening
cook what we wanted
have noisy sex
both work
go on holidays that weren't child-safe
go for weekend breaks
stay with friends overnight
leave craft tools, etc, around without risking a major incident

One of our children has severe autism and learning difficulties, and will, for all intents and purposes, be a very young child for a very long time (and perhaps forever). It's not remotely his fault, but because of his condition, we are effectively tied into that zone of having very young children for the foreseeable future.

I love being a parent and can't imagine not having my beautiful children. But a small part of me misses that carefree life I once had - or could have if my children were both neurotypical.

Oh god

Sunday lunch as it should be. Wine and making it last a long time, and no nagging about eating the roast potatoes while they're still halfway crispy. And then the post-prandial lying on the sofa. Shit, I miss that.

Sunday morning sex.

Sleep.

I had loads more money. Travelled everywhere, especially with my job (all over the world), went out whenever, not when I can get s babysitter/when I’m not knackered.
I’m now in a job earning what I did 20 years ago. No travel, but I get term times off.
As for our marriage, we had to go to counselling, as I think I would have divorced him.

I often wonder what I actually did with all that spare time! I was so not time efficient! If I had that luxury of time now I would get so much done. I can't believe I used to think I was busy!!!

Children are such hard work but it's hard to describe the pay off you get as a parent - the hilarity and love is impossible to understand until you're in it.
Yes there were lots of lovely things that were part of my life pre kids,but most stuff feels like irrelevant luxuries at the moment while kids are small - we'll be able to travel, eat well, waste time again when their older.
My career has suffered, no doubt,and I would have found that hard if I'd liked my job more. Relationship with my husband is different, rather than better/worse. I'm very proud of us.

I love being a parent.
I love parenting with DH.
I miss the ability to have a career.
I'm passed over and discounted at work because I have children. (Even bee told it to my face)

I had my children in my early 30s. Although I have missed the freedom to spontaneously go away for a weekend, nip to the shops or out for a drink or to just have a nap on the weekend on a whim, if I'm honest, I'd had 10 years of working and living independently (single for most and then married for last 3 years) and by he time DC came along, was ready for a change.
I'd had the career and got to a decent level (not the top, but once I was no longer single, getting to the top didn't seem so important) and looked forward to getting off the treadmill of work for a bit. I'd had many many weekends away with friends, spent lots of time volunteering for a charity I was very involved with, and people were starting to have children and drop out of the 'fun' scene anyway. So actually, I was ready for the next phase.
Personally I feel grateful that I had 10 years from starting work at 23 to the point I had children. They are great memories. I'm also glad I was lucky enough to meet my DH when I did and have kids when I did - the timing was great for us. I am a bit exhausted now from kids, but now like I was when they were pre-school age. For me, that truly exhausting phase has passed and I'm glad of that. We're in the early teenage phase now, so who knows if that will be smooth or not. I'm loving it at the moment. And I guess I will be just over 50 when they go to uni and perhaps 55 when they have finished. There's still time then for a return to the freedom of earlier years again.
I've got a few friends who had kids early and their children are now at uni. They have returned to I being just the 2 of them, in term time at least. They are having weekends away, going on long walks, going to the cinema mid week, laying in bed with the papers....it will return. So it's nice to have children now, and as those slightly older,murther on people always tell us, it will all pass in the blink of an eye and it won't be long before our kids don't want to get into bed with us, or don't want us to see them in the bath, or do t want us to come into their rooms, or don't tell us their secrets, or don't even live with us anymore......so we must enjoy every phase, because each is short and precious.

I remember it. Very well. I miss it.

My life is different but not worse. I watch less TV. I work less. I drink less. None of these things are bad! We still travel, go out for meals, keep up with hobbies, work full time, visit friends. I have consciously reduced my circle of friends (this sounds harsh but I don't have time to spend with those I don't have a connection with or don't truly value), I rarely go to the cinema because if I've taken time away from my DD or used up 'spare' time then I want to spend it with people, I don't spend my lunch breaks with my coworkers, I use it for life admin or fitness. I'm very organised and that helps me make the most of my time.

Life is infinitely better with DD. The only things I miss are having a tidy house and being able to leave the house in 5 minutes and with just one bag. (and the €1000 a month I now spend on childcare)

My DD is 9 months old. I can well remember life before her, and it doesn’t seem THAT different - (she’s not quite crawling yet though so not in the ‘can’t take my eyes off her’ stage!)

Things that are different -
Less time (we have a pretty strict routine for naps etc, so I have to be home by certain times!)
A bit less freedom, eg. being able to just go out for the evening

I feel less stressed than when I was working full time, and I actually get more sleep!! (Sorry to those who are sleep deprived!)

I was never 100% on having children, as I loved our life, my career, peace and quiet etc, but it is great. Some days are rubbish (teething, colds, general baby mood swings!) but on the whole it is lovely. I didn’t get the whole ‘rush of love’ thing when she was born, and I don’t feel the ‘she’s my whole world’ type feelings, she is just a lovely additional member of our family, and is a delightful little human in every way. Watching her develop is just magic.

My relationship with my DH has never been better (although sex life is on the more sparse side!). Had a difficult birth, followed by PND, and he was my absoulute rock. He is a wonderful father and wonderful husband, and we love each other more than ever.

As PP have said, it is different but not worse. It’s loads better and lots of fun.

We were together for 10 years before we had kids, so ofcourse I remember it.

My sister lives nearby, so we take turns looking after each other’s kids to give us the odd night away.

We definitely appreciate each other more and enjoy any time we get just the two of us. Even if it’s just an hour before bed in front of the TV.

My advice would be, don’t be a martyr to housework/children. Make time for yourself and each other.

My advice would be, don’t be a martyr to housework/children. Make time for yourself and each other.

I agree with Maz; it’s so easy to pressure yourself and sometimes you just have to take some time.

I do remember it, it felt more free, my time was my own, slept more, had more sex, no responsibilities etc... but I wouldn't be without them, they are amazing. It felt like I had a lot of time to fill before and now it's filled to the brim. It felt like things were fun when we were first a couple but then days out became boring, now they are always fun again with kids.

We hardly argued in our first 6 years before kids, we have argued quite a lot since... and DP does so much so it's not resentment.. just tiredness, stress and disagreeing over parenting methods sometimes. So even when you have an equally contributing partner it really affects you. It's like a bomb in your relationship! But somehow we are stronger and closer and know the small child phase will be over one day.

Basically for me, kids make life a lot harder and a lot less pleasurable in some ways, but at the same time make it amazing, fulfilling, fun. It's difficult to explain! Definitely would have still done it had I know what it was like.

Miss my pre baby stomach and get jealous of ladies with no stretch marks!! But baby makes it all worth it!

I had my DC in my thirties, so I'd done a bit of living beforehand. Good degrees, good job etc. Loved my sleep and curling up with a book. I'd never considered myself maternal and mostly wanted children on an intellectual level. I remember freaking out a week before giving birth that I did not feel prepared to be a parent.

Now that DC is four years old, my DH and I are still amazed every day at how much joy, love and blessing he has brought to our lives. We had NO IDEA about how wonderful it is to have a child - well, to have our child. We think back at our old lives and all the inefficiently spent time and our anxieties and shake our head at disbelief. I feel so much more grounded, and in the right place, with DC.

This is also against the background of an extremely shitty time while DC was a baby. I was massively sleep deprived and resented DH greatly for not pulling his weight. I remember thinking that I am condemned to live in prison of misery for the rest of my life, and mourning what I had given up. Thankfully, we've obviously overcome that!

If you and your partner have developed better habits than us prior to having a baby, in terms of being good at working hard and being considerate and good at communication, you will be in a better starting position. We had still lived too much like students to be honest, compounded by having settled in those habits over many years, so it was a painful adjustment to having to grow up in many senses.

Totally agree. If you have established good communication and sharing of the load before having children it's a bit easier.
It is a shock to go from just thinking about yourselves to life being dominated by a tiny baby - there's no getting away from it. And some people find the difference harder than others and value their previous freedom and me time more than others. And when you're in the baby and then toddler (possibly with another baby too....aargh) then it can feel like a life sentence that will never end. But it's all just phases and tiny babies go to school and you gradually get back a bit more control and independence.....plus all the benefits which are too hard to describe and make it worthwhile.
I still say the first 6 months of first DC life were the worst 6 months of mine. It's sad, but true. However, to avoid that awful phase, I wouldn't choose to be without DC now....the awfulness was worth it.

There are a few photos of my with my eldest as a baby that I've come across recently and that was when I was at my happiest ever. When my daughter was born I felt that my life was complete. Me, my husband, our healthy, happy, contented baby girl. Life was utterly perfect.
If there was a time I could go back it would be then. Now my kids are 8 and 5 and it's a constant move from one place to the next - they are both at school now so the nursery run has gone but I do have after school activities for them three days of the five weekends and hubby takes them to sports on sat morning so it is all about routine, being organised, getting one not to interrupt the other when speaking. Balancing both sets of school work and generally feeling that I'm not giving either of them enough (and I'm a SAHM who doesn't have work to juggle) I am in awe of those mums who breeze through it all when juggling work life as well and often more than two. Supermums are everywhere.
I am sure you will be just fine, you might have to juggle a little bit around sleep and feeds, and then more so as they get older but you just adapt. Life changes, it doens't end though, don't let people freak you out :D

that should read 'three days of the five weekdays' (as in Mon-Fri) plus sport at the weekend with their dad. Not paying attention to what I'm typing....

The lack of sleep has been the hardest thing for me. You think you have a bad night’s sleep once in a while pre baby and that you’re so tired and hard done by then. Now I realise I didn’t know the meaning of tired! Lack of sleep night after night for months on end takes its toll coupled with having a tiny screaming human to take care of and keep safe in amongst all that tired fog on top of that. Once I’m sleeping again I’ll happily go to any after school activities and all of the rest. It’s the first year i‘m finding hard but things are improving and a lot better than they were 6 months ago! Taking care of baby is the easy part ; it’s the sleep for me!