Can you remember life before the kids came?

[Kitkat369]

Hi, I’m ttc at moment my first and thinking about something my SIL said to me recently about her first where she mentioned she couldn’t remember life prior to daughter coming along. Made me wonder if these is common thing?

I have to say it did freak me out a bit as I do love my selfish independence just hubby and I but then I do get those pangs for wanting to be a mum.

Also how did it affect your relationship with OH once baby came?

I miss the quiet. I have 3 DC who all love to chat/cry/whinge and I'm a bit of an introvert. I also miss my flat tummy however I wouldn't change them for the world (maybe apart from making the sleep more).

I found having kids really changed my perspective on everything. I used to be so polished and 'done', now I wear minimal make up, tie my hair in a bun or pony tail and live in jeans and baggy tops (hides the gut). I may look worse but I prefer it. I feel so much more comfortable in myself and couldn't care less if my hair gets wet

I am happier with kids. It's tough and my relationship with DH only got back on track after our second (it's now better than before kids....probably because we never have time to converse😜). however I think my life before was more materialistic and I definitely appreciate the smaller things in life now. I am less judgemental about other people and myself, so I think on the whole I am definitely happier.

I think I'm incredibly fortunate. We never planned to have kids and therefore had 5 years married and 8 years in total together before DS came along. During that time we did loads of travelling, lived overseas, went out for meals, had afternoon sex etc etc. I remember it very fondly but actually, despite the initial misgivings, I've enjoyed having children. I hated the baby and toddler age but since they were about 4 it's been fun.

It's had its moments of hideousness but I am fortunate - I have a better figure than I did pre-children (not as a result of having them but as a result of finding exercise and self-control!), I earn a (far) larger salary, I have a lovely relationship with my DH (although I really do miss the afternoon sex - I'm generally too knackered in the evening) and I have these amazing two people that have come into my life.

I do miss not worrying constantly about them though.....! So yes, I remember life pre-children but I don't miss them as much as I thought I would!

Wow, thanks everyone for your input and yes it is scary reading!!! I have to admit though, my husband and I aren’t big socialites as we use to be and more relaxed with each other and box sets, 8yrs of bliss but I think since seeing my niece and SIL, “the connection”, it’s lovely and very touching, and that’s when I get that “pang”. I hope if I’m lucky enough to experience being a mother I hope I do as good a job as I’ve read

Plleeease, blow baby dust my way

The thing is,nth ere are lots of phases of being a parent.....its not just one, and different people find different phases great or hard.

Personally I didn't like the baby phase. It is a shock to go from adult freedom to the restriction and having to put a very needy little person first all of the time 24/7. I found it relentless. This spurred my drive to have babies sleep through the night ASAP as I desperately felt I needed an 8 hour or 12 hour break - it was the feeding every couple of hours that I found exhausting. And it passed.

Now with teenagers, life is very different. They are great company and funny and have a level of independence. I can go out for a couple of hours in the day or evening and it's okay. They can stay at school late if I can't get the and of course they manage their washing and toileting, getting up,mooing to bed and even food sometimes too. They have more independence and so do I.

Some people love the tiny baby phase and their neediness and love to have a sling and keep them close 24/7. Some dislike the teenage phase.

It's certainly a change, but you rarely meet someone who wishes they hadn't bothered. Our lives are enriched by having these babies join our family and we build lifetimes of shared memories from them growing up with us. On balance,nits marvellous.

I had so much more time to do things I wanted to do when I became a parent. I spent so much more time with my OH, going from ships that pass in the night to an actual family. Everything became easier. My body clock shifted. I ate better. I slept better. I had time to spend with old friends and lots of chances to meet new ones. I started new hobbies, went to new places, travelled so much more. My time spent at home with young children also benefited my working life and increased my earning potential.

Aside from the stretch marks I don’t see a downside at all.

Yes I can. I loved it but I also have loved being a mum. We were married 4 yrs and together 8 before DC so had lots of time alone and holidays etc so we were ready to make the sacrifice. It was exhausting and wonderful. We now have teens and have more time together again as they need us less and that is nice. Enjoy those 10 yrs or so when you are the centre of your DC's lives, We miss that.

There are many, many things that are difficult and many, many things that change when you become a parent.

I think your relationship with your OH ( if you have one ) changes forever, as you now have someone who is more important to you than that person is.

The good news is, is that life with a kid or kids becomes your normality, and your routine. I think there is something in human nature that makes you just get on with it. I think the weight of responsibility you carry with you as a parent could smother you if it didn't become your 'normal'.

The one practical thing I miss the most about being parent, is knowing that - even with a grandparent looking after them, even when they are grown up - I will never again have a totally relaxing weeks holiday as I will be missing them or worrying about them.

Children can become a huge bond for couples - it doesn't have to signify the end to closeness. As someone said upthread,mpsrenting is a shared experience and something special between the 2 of you,mdrawing you together, from the fact you made the child together, to you see the child grow up together.
It's disappointing to read about the men who don't pull their weight and show little interest in their kids. I think a lot of this is down to what is established in the early days and both parents need to see that parenting isn't just a mum thing....women need to give their DH time with the children and also time when they aren't there,mso they too can learn to look after them and build confidence and a relationship. Being at work all day doesn't mean that when men get home it's their 'time off' in the sense it might have been pre-children. I think sometimes men find the change harder and allow themselves or are allowed to still be like men without kids. Of course, no one is saying they shouldn't get time to themselves, but the women need this too and importantly time needs to be spent together as a family to build closeness. Those early years are hard and for many it does feel like survival, but being kind to each other is really important, as is not allowing a baby to become the sole focus - the relationship is important too and a child will gain from having close parents.

How to manage this in practical terms? If EBF it's hard in the early days,mbut there's scope to be out altogether doing something or at home doing something. And once the baby is a little bigger, even with EBF it's possible for the Dad to go to a cafe for an hour with baby or Mum to go to a cafe for an hour with baby. Men who get home late in the week can do bath time at weekends and make the food and feed the weaning foods.

Well I can't even remember this morning.

I don’t remember life before I had my dc. But me and my oh get on better now she’s a bit old. For 3 years it was tough but we got through it by being forgiving and understanding that things were tough and we were stressed. We did split twice, more of a break really but we realised we love each other and can’t live apart!

older parent, but expected a big change as have seen so many friends & relatives go through it. I'm sure there used to be more hours in the day, and I spent a lot more of them sleeping as well!

Not being ill all the sodding time and having sodding kids to look after when ill so unable to lie in bed getting better! No one warned me how often children get ill ... and then give it to you!

And get a bit fed up with all the planning / organisation

But that's it really ...

I’ve found it tiring in my thirties and sometimes wonder if it would have been easier and less tiring if I was in my twenties. I felt much more energetic then. However there are women in their forties who do it but I know personally I need to finish having babies by the time i’m 35.

We were married almost 6 years before DD came along. And I'd been out of college, so we were in the same city, for 18 months before the wedding (having got together a couple of years before that again).

I can DEFINITELY remember what life was like before DD came along. Much more freedom to stay late at work, or both go for drinks on a Friday night with our separate work colleagues without planning ahead. I saw movies. Some more disposable income. Sleep was a possibility, as was a Sunday afternoon nap if we fancied it. And we could both spend time on hobbies of our own, if we wanted, rather than totally focusing on her hobbies and needs.

However, DD is now 12. We are getting freedom back over the past few years, we've found local babysitters, DD lets herself in after school, and I've got back involved in Scouting because of her (and learned a lot about sailing and powerboating because of that too!). As we have been promoted, and the economy has recovered, and afterschool care costs reduced, we are getting disposable income back again.

So while there are still things I'd like to go back to (like meeting colleagues on a Friday night or having plenty of sleep), there are lots of things that I wouldn't change either.

I certainly remember what life was like pre child, but I don’t remember the feeling of it, or at least I’ve adapted to my reality now so I don’t constantly battle against it. So while I remember meeting DH in the pub on a Friday after work, meeting up with friends, deciding to go have some food, wake up late on Saturday, go out into town shopping and if we fancied settling down in a pub and staying for as long as we might want, I don’t remember how it felt to have that as an option iyswim. I’m lucky to have family who are great to do childcare and some sleepovers, so I can go out in the evening, but it’s the feeling of “this could go anywhere!” That’s gone, we will have reservations, a plan, a set time to be home etc. That’s the main change.

Holding down a full time job with a child is a thing nightmares are made of. I have a partner who does as much at home as I do but it’s really hard.

I think the thing which makes it hard is we don’t have much family support. I have a friend with young 3 kids and two sets of grandparents each less than half a mile away who will babysit at the drop of a hat. They are there to help with birthday parties, Christmas, general shopping, anything in fact. We, on the other hand, are lucky (due to circumstances not because family aren’t great) to get a couple of nights off from our DD a year.

If you have family who want to babysit, helps organise parties, etc then you will be laughing. If not, then it is difficult. A good support system makes a massive difference.

Oh and I was so much Happier before DD. Of course I love her to bits but my old life was great and I miss it.

Yes I do. I love my children but there are many aspects of my life that I really, really miss. Freedom being the main one. Freedom of will, mind, thoughts etc

Sorry posted too soon. My relationship with my husband has taken a huge hit and I have recently discovered he has had an affair. Which, is not the children’s fault of course, but a classic ‘eyes off the ball’ scenario (I mean coupled with him being a huge fucking wanker). The children are also tying me to him for life, regardless of what we do moving forward and that is very, very hard to think about.

Sleep sleep sleep... and being able to apply for any job I wanted. With no family support it is incredibly hard, and if you do end up leaving work to look after children, that's it. You just have to scrape odd bits and pieces together from then on.

I loved life pre children. I really enjoyed and appreciated it.

I absolutely adore my children and wouldn't wish anything different, but I'm glad I didn't rush and had plenty of time for ourselves and as a couple.

Cram in those holidays and lazy weekends now while you are ttc!

My DD is 3 months old & it feels like she’s been here forever. I had a lovely life before, but I’ve got an even better one now! She is the best thing to ever happen to me

I miss the quiet times between 4pm and 7pm, before DC I used to lie on the settee with a cup of tea and watch Flog it, or perhaps I read the newspaper..now it's bedlam between these times what with club pick ups, tea time, bath and bedtime routines!

I miss having a wee in peace. It’s like a magnet to them. They’re teens now and they still talk to me through the door.
Leisurely soaks in the bath. They were all under 8, I think, I’d disappeared for a soak in the bath. Firstly, having removed a billion bath toys I relaxed. Less than ten mins later I had that feeling I was being watched. I opened my eyes to see all three peering over the bath. Whatya doing? Hiding from you obviously. Can we get in, er no. Bathroom door had a lock fitted the next day.
I miss shopping being two steaks and a bottle of wine or meeting at the pub for dinner after a long day at work. My shopping with teens looks like I’m buying for an arctic expedition.
Would I swap my life, hell no. Will I miss eldest when he’s off to uni. Well I cried at toy story 3 so I guess you know the answer to that.