DH hitting 13-year-old boy

[worriedmw]

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

Hitting him is unacceptable.

Equally, if I or another adult had cooked food I wouldn't accept it being refused and then having something else (assuming it wasn't food that I knew he hated). It would be the offered food or nothing.

Do you and DH talk about it?
How does that scenario lead to hitting?
Is DH violent in other ways?

What would you do if he hit another adult?

Your brother or dad?

You'd call the police. Hopefully your poor DS can speak to someone at school about this.

DH isn't violent towards me. He is getting more and more frustrated by kids not listening. Says things like 'If you are like this I can't have you any more. let social services claim you...Go somewhere else to live...' After hitting, 'keep away from me. Don't want to see you. Don't want to hit you.'

Kids don't always listen. Teenagers push boundaries. If his response is violence and emotionally abusive language, he needs to move out because the kids have the right to grow up not exposed to abusive behaviour and a man blaming them for his anger.

What's your husband going to do when your teenager actually does something quite serious? Maim him?

DH just replied by text saying he regretted about what had happened. He wanted to talk tonight.

This isn't the first time. I am worried about my DC's emotional development. What if they grow up to be angry men?

All kids can be annoying at times. But they have their lovely and sweet sides too. DH isn't a reasonable man. He just loses his head I guess at the heat of the moment.

He hit him??! What sort of hit?

I don't know how you can be so calm?!

He needs to make changes, and quick. On what you've said, he has hit more than once and isn't relating to his sons(?) at all.

Is he open to change? Can you consider family counselling/parenting courses? Doing it together will have more impact and your sons need to be involved in the change process too.

You sound scared of him, how do you think your kids feel? Kick him out ffs

DH and I do discuss these things. He so wants to be in control of the situation. With DS1 becoming a teenage, I can foresee many challenges ahead. Is there an anger management course or something similar that we can do?

Christ, get your kids away from him, he's abusing them.

If he'd hit you, everyone would he saying ltb. I'm not sure what else to advise but report to police and ltb.

I'm guessing you're very careful not to antagonise him so he doesnt hit you. Your son hasn't learnt those skills properly yet.

Erm, if anyone had hit my child, let alone someone who is supposed to love and protect them, I wouldn't be posting about it on here, I'd be packing their things and contacting the police.

What's he going to do when DS hits back?
He is being both physically and emotionally abusive from what you've said.
Is he scared of DS becoming a man? He wants to be careful he doesn't turn into a man who abuses him in return.

I understand your concern. The physical and emotional abuse (let SS take you etc) is likely to have serious impact on your son's development.

It's good your H wants to talk, but the problem with people like this IME is that they're modelling the way they were parented - 'never did me any harm'. Except it obviously did untold harm, because the cycle of abuse is continuing.

I think you're in a tough spot, but in your shoes I would ask H to leave. This can be the straw that broke the camel's back, because if not this, then what? When he seriously injures your son? When someone else notices the violence and reports it to school or SS? When your son speaks out himself to someone he trusts?

You are your son's protector. Protect him.

There are lots of parenting / Anger Management Courses, but you need to speak to someone to ensure you're tackling this properly and with support.

Social Services are a good place to ask for help and will support you through it.

Thanks so much for all your replies. I don't know how to reply to individual messages.

I am not afraid of speaking up but I do have to be careful so as to be helpful though. If I defend the kids at the time, it'll always make things worse. DH will blame me for siding with them and I would be the source of all kinds of parenting difficulties. He will be more angry too. If I lose my temper too, it'll be like unbearable for my DC. I feel for them. I hate to see any fear and confusion on their faces.

When the kids were younger, things at one time were not good at all. We had issues in the marriage and when DH hit DS1 (always it's this boy who gets picked somehow) I once called 999. Social Services did get involved for a bit. DH did parenting course. I did a course with DS1. All of these helped. But now that DC are much older, I can't think of anywhere to talk to. Feel such a failure, and ashamed too.

The children will remember that you never side with them when he hits them.

Your 13 year old child fancied noodles rather than dinner and for that a grown man (your 'D' husband) hit him? And you want to find a course for him, rather than getting your kids the fuck away?

Do people suggest courses when a woman gets hit? Not to mention he's already done a course.
Op, I think sadly your ds and any other children you have are already damaged by living like this. It's not normal. You do have a choice though which your children do not.

Some thoughts that are probably swirling around your children's heads right now:
"Dad hits me and mum doesn't defend me, so I must deserve it"
"Other mums would surely defend their children so I must be a terrible person and maybe mum doesn't love me"
"How can I make mum love me so she stops dad hitting me?"

Etc.

Does he punch therm? Smack bottoms? Slap? What?

This has been going on since they were little

Just an inflection in your language are you from a non UK cultural background? One that accepts this more readily?

He's abusing your kids, and bullying one in particular, you have to seek help again and leave or when your children are old enough they will learn to hate you for "allowing" it and possibly turn into abusers themselves.