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Original poster

DH hitting 13-year-old boy

278 replies

worriedmw · 16/02/2017 11:10

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

OP posts:
hairypaws · 16/02/2017 13:14

This is awful. You are standing by and letting your husband verbally and physically abuse your child. Btw the verbal abuse is just as damaging, please do not underestimate the damage this does. I also cannot believe you gave your son the choice of talking it through or reporting. That's your job as a mother, what was your son supposed to say to that. You need to protect your child. Make no mistake, when he's older he will hold you equally responsible as you stood back and did nothing. I am speaking from bitter experience. You still can turn this around.

harrypotternerd · 16/02/2017 13:14

your husband is emotionally and physically abusive. Look it up and think about the things you have told us in this thread. There are more important things than a family being together. A child does not need a father who is abusing him.

MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 13:14

There's nothing grosses to worry about here, worry implies that there is a choice with no right answer. But that's not the case. Your husband is a physical and emotional abuser and you are also emotionally abusing your children.

This is a time for action to protect your children, not hand wringing.

iloveeverykindofcat · 16/02/2017 13:15

A time for reflection.

Whilst your kid continues to be abused. Nice.

Praying to Jesus and asking your CHILD to make that kind of choice are just ways for you to try and avoid taking responsibility for what you are doing, which is colluding in child abuse. Some things ARE black and white. Get the abuser out and protect your kids. This 'reflection' bullshit is just trying to avoid responsibility again.

OliviaStabler · 16/02/2017 13:15

He loses temper sometimes but isn't abusive.

Yes he is!

Original poster
worriedmw · 16/02/2017 13:16

I'll make sure he understands it tonight: that if this happens again, he'll lose the kids. We'll move out.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 16/02/2017 13:16

Your DH does not love his DC's - if he did he wouldn't be abusing them.

BurningBridges · 16/02/2017 13:17

BTW can we just acknowledge MeadowHay's - realise you are trying to be helpful but this is emotional and physical abuse, just because you are ok now doesn't mean its ok for the OP to continue to expose her kids to this.

FetchezLaVache · 16/02/2017 13:17

Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious

So, you're afraid of him. Because of this, you are abdicating your responsibility to a higher being who may or may not exist.

Your husband is abusive and you are an enabler.

MrsDustyBusty · 16/02/2017 13:18

How could he not understand this already? He's has SS involvement! He understands, he doesn't care and you loading a ypung teen with the responsibility for keeping the family afloat rather than deal with it is poor.

Poorlybabysickday · 16/02/2017 13:20

Does he ever hit your daughter, or get angry with her? Or is it all directed at your son? Sad

Miserylovescompany2 · 16/02/2017 13:22

He isn't abusive? I would look very closely at the definition of both physical and emotional abuse.

Take off your blinkers OP.

You are making excuses now. So it's OK to hit/beat a child if it's only sometimes. It's OK to turn the other way, stick your fingers in your ears and your head up your arse because its for the good of your (dysfunctional) family...

Nobody NEEDS an abuser.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/02/2017 13:23

that if this happens again, he'll lose the kids

that horse has already bolted. he's had the 999 call, social services involvement and the parenting course yet he still chooses to physically abuse a defenceless child. Defenceless because his own mum cant step in and save him.

Will you keep giving him these chances until you because another shocking story of a mum who allowed her partner to abuse her child in the news?

NanooCov · 16/02/2017 13:25

If you don't defend your Children and speak up they will think this is normal behaviour and it's their fault.

I'd be telling your husband to move out. Your kids don't deserve to live in fear, especially over frigging noodles.

UltimateIdiot · 16/02/2017 13:27

Aaaaand the trend continues.

Shocking number of threads popping up since the 'Moorside' documentary.

All detailing an abusive or dodgy father, a mother who is initially angry and upset. Who then gradually switches to defending the abuse/inappropriate behaviour.

It's almost like Karen Matthews has become an inspiration for those who dwell below.

Highlove · 16/02/2017 13:28

Yes he is abusive. Your husband is a child abuser and the child he is abusing is your son.

Original poster
worriedmw · 16/02/2017 13:28

DCs are our children. We are their biological parents. It was a shock what happened last night. It's not like it happens all the time. All these sounds like excuses...

OP posts:
diddl · 16/02/2017 13:28

He doesn't love any of you imo.

I also wouldn't have let anyone have instant noodles when there's a meal on the table.

xStefx · 16/02/2017 13:28

Op I don't think you understand what people are saying here, that child needs to be taken away from both of you . it's not dependant on a nice chat with your DH tonight , you are helping him abuse your son plain and simple

P1nkP0ppy · 16/02/2017 13:28

So The most precious thing is for my family to be together...? So that's ok for your DH to carry on abusing your DS?
Just wtf has to happen before you see what's happening right in front of your eyes?
As for asking for prayers, that's the epitome of hypocrisy if ever was. I presume to you that makes it alright.
Utterly disgusting.

Highlove · 16/02/2017 13:29

And you are complicit. You are complicit in and enabling child abuse. Proud of yourself?

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 16/02/2017 13:30

Your one job in life as a mother is to protect your kids.
When they grow up they will remember you letting dad hit them

several times. and not stopping him

They will say they want dad to stay as they don't want the responsibility of the family splitting up. They are kids how could they possibly make that decision. The only person splitting up the family is him because of his behaviour.
You just have to try and work out away forward that is best for you and the kids.
I swear to you this situation will not get any better As your boy grows up and becomes stronger the physical altercations get worse.
Your son will feel trapped and unsupported because he said he didn't want his dad to leave This is an adult decision to make not a child's
Please do right by your kids and protect them.
Your their mum they only have one mum and you need to do right by them

Jaysis · 16/02/2017 13:30

My parents hit us. And it all came to a head in our teens when we got punished for something. School got wind of it or a neighbour - anyway, Social Services got notified.

It was the shock and an embarrassment to be told that their parenting/disciplining was outdated and abusive and they were offered parenting courses.

Like you, my parents were committed to their marriage and loving parents and deeply devout to boot. We were good, polite, well behaved kids but we were teens so obviously would push boundaries like extra screen time or asking to stay out later than agreed- all perfectly normal teen stuff.

They did the course and took on board everything taught. Of course they were skeptical of it all, it was a product of their rearing too. But they put it all into practice and never raised their hand to any of us again. They talked to us and we would communicate and we would get grounded or disciplined in a non-physical or emotional way.

Therein lies the key - my parents, when faced with other adults telling them what they were doing was wrong, committed fully to changing their parenting. You seem willing, but your husband does not. It will only work if your husband works at it. And since he does not want to make the effort to be a parent when it gets tough, you have a stark choice to make.

NanooCov · 16/02/2017 13:30

Your excuses (they don't just sound like excuses, they are excuses) are abominable. You are the adult - why would you put the burden of such a difficult decision on your children rather than being a good parent and protecting them?? I am deeply sorry that your children have to live with an abusive parent and an enabler.

Meeep · 16/02/2017 13:32

Pray to stop being a coward OP.