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Original poster

DH hitting 13-year-old boy

278 replies

worriedmw · 16/02/2017 11:10

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 17/02/2017 11:18

I said now we have a choice: one is to give Dad another chance and we all talk tonight; the other is to call SS and let them intervene and wetalk tell Dad tonight. DS1 said he wanted the first one. I asked, 'but aren't you afraid of Dad hitting you again?' He said"no it didn't hurt that much". He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear, because he has been conditioned to. He sees how you are when your dh starts, and he now knows how awful it makes you feel..so he isn't going to want to add to that for you, he is going to try an protect you by not actually telling you the truth!!

Can't just simply ditch something precious and start again. Your marriage, I assume? You do realise you are putting your marriage above your children, don't you?

He loses temper sometimes but isn't abusive. Hitting a child is abusive

He needs help clearly but would be shocked to be called abuser and bully But he had help, you called the police, SS got involved, he did a course...and he is bck to his "old" behaviour again. How many second chances does he get?

She said in this case it's not for them to get involved. I don't believe that for one minute, especially not since you have already had SS involvement in your life, and your dh has done parenting courses (that obviously haven't worked) in the past. Did you tell her that you have had SS involvement prior to this??

Can't remember when he physically disciplined kids last time.

Mamia15 · 17/02/2017 12:04

Your children are PRECIOUS - your marriage should not come before them.

artiface · 17/02/2017 12:56

Perhaps a family meeting? Get in pizza and chocolate and sit round a table.
Rules that everyone agrees on.
Things like: for DS; trying a new food 12 times before deciding he desn't like it, but he will try it with no comment.
For you; not instantly supplying a replacement meal, that if they don't like it they have to have 12 (?) mouthfuls and then they can stop, but not have a replacement
For H; to leave the room if he feels he is becoming irritated and that no one follows him, he can return, without any comment, when he feels so inclined

MrsDustyBusty · 17/02/2017 13:00

Don't take the advice above. It's terrible, designed to empower the abuser and force your child to accept blame for being abused.

bummymummy77 · 17/02/2017 13:00

Art- Jesus Christ. Return without comment. He's an adult. Hitting a child. Poor Daddy and his poor temper.

skerrywind · 17/02/2017 13:23

Perhaps a family meeting? Get in pizza and chocolate and sit round a table.
Rules that everyone agrees on.
Things like: for DS; trying a new food 12 times before deciding he desn't like it, but he will try it with no comment.
For you; not instantly supplying a replacement meal, that if they don't like it they have to have 12 (?) mouthfuls and then they can stop, but not have a replacement
For H; to leave the room if he feels he is becoming irritated and that no one follows him, he can return, without any comment, when he feels so inclined

WTF????

This sounds horrible.

Would you like to be forced to eat a new food 12 times that you don't like tho look of?

For H; to leave the room if he feels he is becoming irritated and that no one follows him, he can return, without any comment, when he feels so inclined

Who wants to live like this? Walking on eggshells, no one allowed to speak to or follow this many- what in case he lashes out.

Christ, this isn't normal family you are describing here- it sounds like Guantanamo bay.

Families and home life is supposed to be fun, not places where you are force fed or live in fear of someone losing their temper.

Artiface's " solution" sounds horrific.

artiface · 17/02/2017 13:53

Not intending to cause problems - just echoes of things in my own past. Sometimes its easy to be hurt and things can be perceived differently. If H is feeling terrible about what happened and OP also gets frustrated it sounded as though a big conversation might be called for, rather than potentially breaking a family apart. Pizza and chocolate may sound trite, but throwing a curve ball and changing expectations ('we're going to argue again') can be a turning point.
The trying something 12 times is a studywww.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20541572
Genuinely not trying to make problems for anyone

Topseyt · 17/02/2017 13:55

Terrible and unrealistic advice there, artifact, sorry.

This is an abusive relationship we are talking about. No place for chocolate and pizza there.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/02/2017 14:06

Artiface, the problem is that you are offering a solution to the wrong problem. The problem everyone else sees as foremost is the violent, abusive father. The problem you're trying to solve is a kid who would rather have a different dinner.

It doesn't matter what triggers violence from the father. If it's not food it'll be something else. The solution is not to change the child's behaviour to appease someone who lashes out.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 17/02/2017 14:27

OP please don't take artiface's advice, sit and talk by all means but those are probably the most stupid rules i have ever read.

He shows care and love as a normal Dad. So did my Dad. When he wasn't beating me he was actually a really good Dad, he was even involved with loads of clubs and church youth group, drove me and my friends round, played stupid games, read to me every night, taught Sunday school etc. That didn't make his punches any softer. Didn't stop me believing SS would take me. Didn't stop me believing i was worthless. Didn't stop the broken bones. Your husband might never go as far as my Dad did, i pray for your children's sake he doesn't, but that one little shove or one badly aimed slap could be enough, his words are what will cause the real damage though, his words and you not putting your children first.

I have scars, pins in my jaw and wrist and missing teeth but do you know what it is that i cry about at night? that causes the nightmares and the depression? it's not Dad hitting me, it's not even my injuries, it's that having had my own children they are my entire world, i would do anything for them and would stop at nothing to protect them and yet my mother didn't love me enough to even try.

BastardGoDarkly · 17/02/2017 15:06

Oh Sparkly lovely, I'm so sorry for the childhood you had, I bet you're an amazing mum Flowers

CommonBurdock · 17/02/2017 15:21

I've had very similar issues with DS now 11.5 and XH. This isn't about pot noodles, it's about longstanding control battles and pushing of boundaries on both sides. I had to get solicitor's letter in my case because DCs resident with XH but it worked. It was a shock to XH and DS realised it wasn't all one-way, he's no angel and that he needed to change his attitude. Although he is still a massive PITA when it comes to food. The kid needs to learn respect and the dad needs to keep hands off. Police probably not helpful if your DH has already realised that.

bloodyteenagers · 17/02/2017 15:24

I would advise anyone in a violent household to ignore what Artiface has said. Sometimes its easy to be hurt and things can be perceived differently. How can anyone perceive being violent differently? A punch is a punch. A shove on the door so violently it knocks another adult to the floor is violent. You may think this is acceptable and look for meaning in this, but no it's not. How can you perceive these actions differently.

If the H was so sorry about hitting his children he would have stopped years ago. He would have stopped when he had the first lot of anger management and when SS first became involved with the family. He wouldn't be doing this now because his child had the tenacity to want noodles. He wouldn't be laying blame on the children for getting hit. This behaviour is in the abusers 'handbook'. They lay the blame with others because they are not responsible for their own actions. Everyone else is to blame. When in reality it's all them.

If the family split then the ONLY person at fault is the abuser. It's certainly NOT the children's fault. Its not the ops fault either to want to protect her family. There is no reasoning with an abuser, and it is dangerous advice to tell victims to remain in the house with such a person.

MrsDustyBusty · 17/02/2017 15:43

This isn't about pot noodles, it's about longstanding control battles and pushing of boundaries on both sides.

No, it's not about pot noodles. It's not faults on both sides. It's perfectly normal boundary testing by a child and an out if control, abusive adult.

OP, resist these attempts to push the responsibility for any of this on to your son.

SparklyUnicornPoo · 17/02/2017 17:37

Thanks Bastard I think I'm doing alright.

OliviaStabler · 17/02/2017 19:37

She said in this case it's not for them to get involved.

I call BS. You didn't tell her the whole truth, did you?

I strongly dislike people like you OP. You don't want your life changed in any way, happy with the comfort you have, you won't face and handle the hard facts and decisions before you so you force your DC to go through an awful time every single day.

You say you love them, well one day you will find they will go no contact with you if you don't start growing a spine.

I feel very sorry for your DC.

twattymctwatterson · 18/02/2017 01:35

Op I don't believe you have called SS - either that or you have minimised your DHs behaviour so much that it's unrecognisable from your op. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are in an abusive relationship and aren't ready to see this yet. Your husband is an abuser- he's both emotionally and physically abusive to your DC and DS1 in particular. You are enabling his abuse by prioritising yourself and your marriage over your DC's physical and emotional wellbeing. What this means is that you are also abusing your children and it's likely that if SS do become involved you will lose custody. Approaching your children and giving them responsibility for what happens to their father is really terrible parenting- it's manipulative and frankly despicable. This could be a defining moment in your relationship with your children but I think your husband is more important to you than they are.

Original poster
worriedmw · 19/02/2017 13:07

To those accusing me of hiding things from SS, I just feel numb. When I come here and read your replies, I can't help but defend. Don't know why. But in real life, I have turned cold towards husband. Not talking much. Obviously he apologised. But I just feel numb, wounded and confused. Watch my children as they play and have fun and life goes on. My last time turning to an online forum for help.

OP posts:
Birdsbeesandtrees · 19/02/2017 13:09

You've been given plenty of advice and help. You just don't like it and would prefer an easy life so have chosen to ignore it.

bummymummy77 · 19/02/2017 13:40

People are being harsh because they are worried for your children.

HCantThinkOfAUsername · 19/02/2017 14:53

I know it seems people are being harsh but it seems you've been trying to minimise & everyone are just concerned for the safety of your DC & yourself. Do you have any RL support?

MrsDustyBusty · 19/02/2017 22:19

If I had posted what you posted and got the responses you got, OP, I'd find them harsh as well. But you see the problem is not that you are choosing to stay in an abusive relationship yourself, it's that you are forcing your children to live in it and it feels like you simply refuse to accept that. Everyone who has posted is concerned for your children's wellbeing and trying to shake you out of inaction.

Megatherium · 20/02/2017 01:51

Your children may be playing and having fun now, but were they having fun when he hit your son? Will they next time he does that? And how do you feel about the fact that you won't be able to watch them if or when they are taken into care?

CondensedMilkSarnies · 20/02/2017 01:59

Please protect your children Op.

Graphista · 20/02/2017 02:39

You need URGENTLY to contact women's aid, your religious leader, your parents or ideally ss again this time telling the truth. No way they'd have ignored if you had.

Psalm 11:5

5 The Lord tests the righteous,
but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence.

Proverbs 3:31

31 Do not envy a man of violence
and do not choose any of his ways

James 1:26

If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.