DH hitting 13-year-old boy

[worriedmw]

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

I agree with the comments other posters have made re: hitting, but this also stood out to me:

Says things like 'If you are like this I can't have you any more. let social services claim you...Go somewhere else to live...'

This is emotional abuse. It's giving the child the impression that fairly ordinary misbehaviour or disagreements are so terrible that their own parent doesn't want them. Yes, everyone gets frustrated with children at times, but comments like this over everyday things are completely unacceptable.

I don't doubt your DH loves the children OP but that doesn't mean this situation is good for them. I grew up with a parent who was great most of the time but when they lost it, they really lost it including being violent. It was terrifying walking on eggshells all the time.

Somehow we made it through and I love them despite all their flaws but it has had lasting damage on me and my siblings. I am very aware that I have the same temper and have to work very hard to control it - one of my siblings has been unable to do so and is very aggressive when challenged on anything. They've basically grown into said parent.

One day your son will be old and big enough to hit his dad back - then what? Your son shouldn't have to live like this in his home, you know that. If you've been here before, you'll be here again. I am sorry.

This is not your kids decision to make. It is your responsibility.

You don't have to leave your husband. But he has to make permanent change. Starting from now.

You need to do whatever you can to make sure your sons are safe and not threatened.

The bottom line is your son has already been damaged by this emotionally and physically abusive bully. His life must be an absolute misery. His father abuses him and his mother stands by and doesn't defend him. The people he should be able to trust most in the world. Please don't be a bystander, you know this isn't right.

You don't need to involve SS he could just leave, or they could end in care because of your poor choices, and you get to keep your husband all to yourself.

He not only loves me but also loves the DC. I am sure of that.

Maybe, but he abuses them. He's had police and social services intervention before, he's done a parenting course, you all stood by him... and he still does it.

Your 13 year old shouldn't be making the decision here. It's normal for him to be beaten now, he justifies it being okay because it didn't hurt 'that much'! It shouldn't hurt at all. It shouldn't have happened the first time, let alone every single time since.

You can't let your children decide whether to continue getting beaten or split the family up. Your husband needs to leave and it's needs to be your decision, not theirs. Maybe it won't be the end of your marriage, but his failure to change last time suggests it might. But if you let this carry on, it'll almost certainly be the end of your parenting when your children are old enough not to need you as much, whatever they say now. I've been there. I left home at 17 with a fractured eye socket (no, she didn't mean to hit me that hard, but it doesn't matter. One bad hit is all it takes) and I haven't seen any of my parents since. My mum for her violence, my dad for standing by and letting it happen. He was angry and sad too, but he was spineless. He didn't protect us so he doesn't deserve to know us.

You've done nothing for long enough.

Your H has physically and emotionally abused your DS (affecting other DC too) over many years, and you have not protected him.

This made me feel very sad to read. I was suprised at the use of the word 'boy' rather than 'son' in the thread title and I wonder if this is because you are detaching from the situation? Your son needs your help and you must be find some strength to do the right thing.

Please seek help urgently before the situation escalates. You must protect your children and I think for now that means you seek immediate help (police and social services) and your dh needs to leave.

Ffs! Your son doesn't want his family broken up. This is all he knows, this is what he thinks family and love is. He is not mature enough to know what is best for him and his siblings. Are you for real?!

If I defend the kids at the time, it'll always make things worse.

Firstly Id never put my kids in a situation where they needed defending from physical violence, but if they did I'd be in there like and shot and dh would be out without a second thought.

Sorry but your kids will push and push at this age and you need to prioritise them over an adult who will not (as it is a choice he makes of his own free will) control his temper with a child and physically assaults them. Either tell him to get out or accept you are not currently able to make the right decisions for your children and get SS back in and involved to help you ensure they are protected.

Your children are so much more important than your shame and you can still act now and not fail them.

Why not kick him out and enjoy life without fear or a beating?

It's just not that simple for most. He knows where they live, where the kids go to school, where his wife works. All their friends are shared, their families intertwined, their finances too. I watched that 'Murdered By My Boyfriend' programme and it really brought it home to me just how difficult it is to get away from an abusive partner.

I agree that OP needs to take steps to remove her H from the family home, but what's she supposed to do, change the locks and ignore him from this moment on?

Your judgment in involving the DC in YOUR decision was poor: their safety is your responsibility.

Emotionally damaging to them to discuss "options" with them.

You are the adult and the parent. It is utterly unacceptable for you to ask the children to make this choice. I could cry for your children reading your posts. And the 'choice' you gave them was so loaded that they were never going to give any answer other than the one they knew you wanted to hear.
I'm sorry that you are in this relationship but you are failing your children. And will lose them when it all comes out. If they say anything at school then SS will, rightly, be contacted.

As you are not able to protect your children can I suggest you tell all your dc that when they return to school they tell an adult there. That way they no longer have to rely on you to protect them as you're not able to.

You should never ever resort to violence and you should never try to force feed a child,weather that's by physical violence,force feeding or refusing the child any other food for a long time any child psychologist worth they're Doctorate will tell you that!

Your Husband is losing control Worried and that's not safe around any of your DC,he needs to get some help with how he responds to whats going on at home.

There are parenting classes that you can sign upto,they're not all as condecending as the name suggests,some classes are for situations just like yours,they offer real support and you'll meet other families that are going through the same kind of thing,it's a good way to find a support group of people that understand what your going through and that won't judge.

As well as getting your DH some help and support and for you as well have you spoken to anyone about your son's issues with food?
It's more common than most people realize sadly but there is lots of help out there and alot more understanding amongst the medical community now when it comes to refusal of food by a child.

We've been through the same ourselves with 2 of our DC(we have 5DC)our DS and DD are both asd,it took a while but we were very patient and we kept things very calm around meal times and it's taken a few years with DS15 but he actually enjoys food now and has a very varied diet.

I was actively anorexic myself from the age of 7-16,I've seen the struggling to eat anything/having a dangerously limited diet from both sides as a child and as a parent.

You must all feel like your living inside a pressure cooker which can't be a happy place for any of you and going and getting some help is never going to be a bad thing.

I hope you all get some help with whats going on at home,I know how hard it can be.

this thread has angered me. I grew up in a house where I heard the same things your DC do. I was hit. I have had to deal with it and trust me it is a long and painful road. Some days are better than others but it still hurts to know that adults who were supposed to protect me as a child didn't. I look at my DC now and could never even imagine doing that to them. You have put the burden of the choice on your children. That is disgusting. YOU are the parent. Do what a parent is supposed to do and protect them.

Your child is being physically an emotionally abused. Your DH has already been on one parenting course, do you really think another would make a difference? Does he hit poeple at work? If not then he is able to not his children but he is choosing to physical and emotional abuse this children.

You need to protect your child, you can contact the police, NSPCC or women's aid. It does not matter who you speak to first but you must do something.

Your husband threatens them with social services and you give them that as one of the 2 options, wow, are you really surprised they 'chose' option 1.

Poor kids, it's time for you to start taking responsibilities and protect them.

It is YOUR job to protect your children, do not put the onus on them.

I have no advice for you except to say that nothing is easy especially parenting and relationships. I feel deeply for you. This is clearly effecting you and your family deeply and I think you should definitely get some help and advice for professionals. Just a thought but he could seek help away from you and the family but still be a part of your lives. Be honest whilst talking to him and explain your worries and as a father he should understand your concerns for your children.

I really hope this situation gets resolved and you end up with a happy solution!

Your husband is beating your children. Physical abuse. And you think he loves them? You think he is a good man? You stay there and watch a grown man beating your children? And you stay?

He is an evil son of a bitch. But you, you are not. You know this is wrong. So sort your fucking shit out and do something to protect your children. Like calling SS, police, and kicking him out.

'If you are like this I can't have you any more. let social services claim you...Go somewhere else to live...'

we have a choice: one is to give Dad another chance and we all talk tonight; the other is to call SS and let them intervene

Are you sure your DS isn't getting the message from you, "Give Dad another chance or SS will come in and take you away"?

How can you hear "It doesn't hurt that much" without it breaking your heart? :(

I would not live with a man who abused my children like this,..
OP you are complicit in allowing this,

So, you give your children the choice of

a) forgiving him
b) going to SS where they probably think they be put into care?

And it's totally cool to stay because he doesn't hit them that hard?

And you don't intervene? You enable this?

You're as bad as he is.