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Original poster

DH hitting 13-year-old boy

278 replies

worriedmw · 16/02/2017 11:10

Getting worried for these moments when DH loses his temper. I lose mine sometimes too but wouldn't use force on kids. At a loss where to turn. It happened again last night over dinner when DS refused the food served and demanded cup noodles instead. Frustrating scenario but he has been fussy over food since toddler. I would just give in as he is old enough to make his own choice on what to eat. And it's not that he has cup noodles every day. It's half term after all. Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious. Did send him a text at work this morning.

I am worried that their relationship is going downhill and parenting getting harder. I am more worried that some serious injuries may happen. Puts so much strain in a family. I wonder if DS's behaviour is normal or indeed if DH just over reacted. What can I do in the middle??

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 16/02/2017 11:55

Sounds more like your husband wants to hit someone and is looking for excuses to do so.

Noodles, FFS? Who cares if a 13 year old eats noodles instead of a dinner he may or may not enjoy. I a 13 year old DS, they like noodles. It's not a big deal.

LittleBoat · 16/02/2017 11:56

You can talk to SS again.

Though I agree with others that he needs to leave. You should be putting your sons wellbeing first.

Your husband needs to sort himself out. You've shown him how to do this in the past, so it's up to him now.

Highlove · 16/02/2017 12:02

If you're son tells his school, you know SS will be back? And rightly so. Bollocks to courses; you need to get your children away from that violent bully. This IS already damaging them. Only you can stop it going any further. Are you afraid to leave? Do you have family you could go to?

Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 12:02

That's child abuse.

Highlove · 16/02/2017 12:03

*your

Trifleorbust · 16/02/2017 12:05

He hit your 13 year old son to make him eat his dinner? Get away from him.

TheOnlyColditz · 16/02/2017 12:06

...I don't think future parenting problems are going to be an issue. They'd probably be better of in foster care than with a long term abusive family.

You're husband is a cunt and you are being seriously pathetic about it.

Chillyegg · 16/02/2017 12:06

I am sorry everyone is being very kind and measured towards you. But fucking hell woman you're poor children are being failed! Ffs who the fuck hits a child because it wont eat its tea!?? You cant defend the kids because itll make it worse? Your poor poor poor son.
Fucking leave this cunt of a man hes abusing your children and your allowing it.i know its hard i was a victim of DV so i know how hard it is to leave but bloody hell woman! This is not ok. A course wont fix it. Hes already been on one and bloody keepa doing it, i bet youd ring the police if a male neighbour hit your son or Dh.

Quills · 16/02/2017 12:07

OP, please listen. YOU WILL LOSE YOUR CHILDREN. Even if social services don't get involved, every time you stand aside and do nothing whilst your husband abuses them, you push them further away from you. They notice, and they will be hurting. By doing nothing you are enabling the abuse to continue, and believe me, as soon as they're old enough to be able to, those children will get as far away from the pair of you as they can.

There's plenty of help out there to get away from men like him. Please let this be the time that makes you reach out for it and show your children that they and their emotional/mental health are more important than anything else, before the cycle continues.

Snifftest · 16/02/2017 12:08

Your husband is abusing your children and you let him?

Why haven't you left him, to protect your kids? How is this normal for you?

Yes your sons will grow up to be violent men. The only role model they have is a violent man and a woman who does nothing about it.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 16/02/2017 12:08

Listen to your shame. It's telling you what needs to change.

My litmus test for parenting and safeguarding is always 'would I be happy for my child to stand up at a party and tell everyone there about this?'

And if the answer is no, it's not okay.

StarlingMurderation · 16/02/2017 12:09

My mum never stopped my dad hurting me, verbally or physically, and it just made me lose all respect for her. I didn't think she didn't love me, or stop loving her, I just thought she was weak because she wouldn't defend me.

thegreylady · 16/02/2017 12:09

Is your dh the children's birth father?

Hellochicken · 16/02/2017 12:09

In child protection training we are taught physical abuse often escalates at this age, particularly for boys, as 13 yr old starts to get more independent and less "controlled".

The problem is that when your DH is stressed/frustrated he is acting in anger. I think hitting him is a complete overreaction.

Didn't say any of this out loud at the time because that would make dh even more furious this is a bit concerning.

Honestly do you all have to "tread carefully" with DH - maybe he needs parenting class refresh.

Original poster
worriedmw · 16/02/2017 12:11

Some of your replies brought out tears... I just talked to the kids. They knew how upset I was. I said now we have a choice: one is to give Dad another chance and we all talk tonight; the other is to call SS and let them intervene and wetalk tell Dad tonight. DS1 said he wanted the first one. I asked, 'but aren't you afraid of Dad hitting you again?' He said"no it didn't hurt that much".

I am torn. Lots of other parents urge me to leave my husband. But having gone through so much (well have been married for 20 years next year), I don't have the heart to break our marriage. He not only loves me but also loves the DC. I am sure of that.

If there is a Christian out there reading this, do pray for us.

OP posts:
Megatherium · 16/02/2017 12:13

How often is he hitting them, and how hard? I'm massively concerned that his temper and lack of control is such that you don't dare to say anything for fear of worse repercussions. I can't see how an anger management course would help; for most parents the previous involvement of social services would be a massive shock and wake-up call, and clearly that hasn't been the case for your husband.

There is no doubt that at some point your children are going to tell an adult about this, and when they do will certainly be taken into care because you will be seen as incapable of protecting them from violence. Your husband really has to move out, immediately.

bummymummy77 · 16/02/2017 12:15

Please don't put the burden of this choice on your children!

You need to leave him.

Not make any choice something they could feel wrong or guilty about down the line.

Children will chose to stay with a parent that's horrifically abusive, giving them a choice is very unfair.

Hellochicken · 16/02/2017 12:16

I will pray for you.

But it is also normal for children who are physically abused (or other types of abuse) to love the abusive parent.

If they were awful all the time you would not still all live together. Your DH is being awful some of the time, and that isnt good enough for any child.

Chillyegg · 16/02/2017 12:16

Oh ffs fucking don't be stupid of course your sons gonna say the first one because the second sounds scary!! He doesn't want to upset you and to worry you.
He doesnt love you or your children you dont hit the ones you love.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 16/02/2017 12:16

He loves them, and you, but he's no good for your family. I cannot tell you how much this is going to affect the man your son grows into.

What if when he had kids he hits them? Loses his temper over a cup of noodles and whacks his son? What would you think of him? Would you be proud?

What about if he gives his future partner a slap when she doesn't do what he wants, or doesn't do it quick enough?

I don't want to make you cry, but you need to think about this, because it could be reality.

You need to gather all the strength you have and make a change. Of course your son will say he wants to talk to Dad - he loves him. He thinks this is normal. It's all he's ever known. Do you not see how sad that is?

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/02/2017 12:17

You let your kids have a choice on how best you deal with this?

They were hardly going to say yes we want him to leave

I'm sorry op you have put the onus on them and therefor the guilt if it all goes wrong again
Seriously kick the animal out and protect your kids like you are supposed to do.

They are learning very destructive lessons through the both of you

GarrulousGrimoire · 16/02/2017 12:17

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Cherryskypie · 16/02/2017 12:17

Stop abdicating responsibility and be a parent. Protect your children.

thisgirlrides · 16/02/2017 12:17

Why is it stay & put up with the abuse talk about it or get ss involved? Why not kick him out and enjoy life without fear or a beating?

Megatherium · 16/02/2017 12:17

I very much fear that your children, particularly your son, are saying what you want to hear. It's telling that the only options you put to them were their father staying or calling in social services. Why did you not put a third option of their father moving out, even if initially on a temporary basis?

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