Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Great minds, Fairenuff.

I do feel for your wife, does she have to listen to these excuses everyday?

What was a stupid mistake? The repeatedly having sex and cheating on your wife, the decision not to use contraceptives, or the lying to your wife about it?

If you read the relationship boards, you will see that 'a mistake' is not an acceptable reason for cheating. You didn't trip over and fall, penis first, into her vagina. You made each and every decision that took you there.

Cheaters only call it a mistake when they regret it.

I didn't decide anything I was too frightened . So I just did nothing.

That's still a decision.

Wow Bob you seem so full of anger. I only wish I could be as perfect as you clearly think you are.

What is it you want? Just to come onto this forum and abuse me? Because believe me I feel cr*p enough about myself without you helping me feel worse.

How about some positive help? Some positive suggestions. Or are you one of those strange people that get pleasure from being unpleasant??

Fairenuff. You are right I am a terrible person. And I shall never get over what I did. But you aren't exactly helping me which is why I came on here.

At least some other posters have offered kind words or their own experiences which help me enormously. In a way it seems pointless to just come and say negative things about me. Because I already know that I am a bad person. What do you want? To make me more unhappy than I already am? Why do you post? Please tell us.

I've read the thread from the start from last time.

You constantly agree with people that reinforce your own view. So if one person says that you shouldn't tell your English daughter because similar happened to them, then you grasp hols of that and ignore (for example) the other 10 people that say that when they went through similar that they wish they knew.

You are taking other people's choices away. Your daughter is an adult and you aren't giving her a choice.

And now you need to be told what steps to take? Did the polish woman tell you steps too?

1 undo your trousers
2 take them off
3 get into bed with me
Etc etc
9 tell lies to everyone you love for many years

YOU know the steps you can take. You just won't take them.

Why do you post? Please tell us.

Why don't you answer my questions first?

Bob is not being aggressive or angry or expecting anyone to be perfect. Stop being so passive aggressive.

You are coming across as manipulative and whiney.

Ted, I read your thread way back at the beginning and have just seen this again. Well done for stopping drinking.

You ask what you could possible achieve by telling your English daughter about your Polish daughter. It's true, you can't be sure that she will want to know. But what you will achieve is a release from the feeling of being desperate to tell her the truth! That is worth more than any 'result'. And you never know. I have a good friend who discovered she had a younger sister (literally only weeks younger) from a secret family that her father had started, and they are very close as adults and happy to know each other. So it is by no means sure that she won't want to know. Also, by telling the truth, you are giving her the opportunity to decide for herself, which she wouldn't have had otherwise.

I feel for your wife, I feel for the Polish mother, and I feel for you. It is a difficult situation for all of you. What's done is done, though the bit that you can control is the present. Not everybody will be happy but you can do what you decide is right, and the most important person in that is your Polish daughter because she is your responsibility, and because she is a child.

OK then. There, there. How do you cope with all of these dreadful women in your life? Tricking you into sex, and not being over the moon when you announce a surprise daughter. Your wife is totally unreasonable not to facilitate your previous secret trips.

Why don't you buy a holiday home in Poland with your retirement fund? Its a win-win situation, you get to see your daughter, your wife gets the retirement she's always dreamed of. Maybe if you buy a big enough place, your older daughter and you GC can come over. Everyone will get along famously and be so pleased that you brought everyone together.

I'm not angry with you. I just think it'd ironic that you've lied to the most important women and girls in your life and you come and ask random women to sort it all out for you.

BDB as I thought. No helpful suggestions. Just bile.

I've often wondered how you were getting onTed.

One observation: the Polish mother to your child came on to you, you had unprotected sex over a week, she got pg and she chose to have the child. She is not blameless or an innocent victim. She went into this knowingly. And goodness knows her motives. A child with a guy not around? One who would provide £? But her pulling up the drawbridge now is because your wife is involved and her conduct looks...cheap? Tawdry? That's why she's pissed off. Volatile people do cut their noses off to spite their faces/or in this case your dd2.

What prompted this whole thread was telling your dd1. But I have to agree with recent advice. I can't see that in any way going well. You dd1's loyalty will be to her betrayed mother. The OW & the child will be a symbol of all her mother's hurt. There will be no relationship between then because she will not wish it and it will hurt her mother if she ever did. Sometimes a secret is best left being that.

NotmyPenguin

Thanks. You know it's so confusing for me. I hear what you say. But then earlier I had a reply advocating the opposite.

I do agree with you that it would make ME feel better if I told my daughter . But I don't know if it would make her feel better. There is such a big age gap and as another poster said she didn't form a relationship with her much younger sister.

Which leaves me as confused as ever. But thanks for your post.

ProphetofDoom

Thanks. That's a very sensible post. I am leaning towards it being a bad idea to tell my daughter.

As for the Polish mother 'cutting her nose off to spite her face' I think you may be right. My response to that is that I should find a way to send her the maintenance money regardless.

Thanks for your post which was helpful. As you perhaps noticed I've had some unpleasant, but possibly well meaning, posts recently.

All the best

Fairenuff. Strangely both my wife and the Polish mother have accused me of being 'whiney'. So, if you have spotted it too then I suppose it must be true.

Also, in my workplace my ex-manager accused me of whining. She was quite angry about it. Which I still don't understand.

Most of all though, the Polish mother used to often have a real go at me. Or did, in the days when she spoke to me. Often accusing me of whining or being weak or not being manly. Rather sexist of course!

Hey Ted. I've read your thread from the start and wondered if you've ever tried any CBT techniques to help you, rather than alcohol. Maybe now is a good time to think about other ways of coping, cos you've been off booze for 5 days so should have a clear head at the moment.
Seems like the drinking may be to combat your self destructive and self hating thoughts. I'm feeling OK at the moment but in my past have felt low and had low self esteem which then made all problems harder to work out what to do.
I've found this website helpful for trying to work on self esteem, if you're interested have a look
www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47

In terms of the situation I feel sorry for everyone caught up in it. I always have the instinct that being honest is best, but in your situation I'm not sure that being honest with your English daughter right now is for the best. Your wife is very hurt and still adjusting to this situation. Your English daughter I think should know about her half sister, but I'd think it might be better to wait a few more months before telling her, so your wife can have more time to process things.

And for me, I'd say getting to spend time and have a relationship with your Polish daughter seems more important than your English daughter knowing right now. What do you think between those two priorities?

I don't have any relevant personal experience though, so can't speak from experience. Good luck.

If my dad had a child/ren from his affairs then I would want to know

I've read the thread and the most concerning thing is still the aspect of your will.

It's a very passive aggressive way of letting your elder daughter know without you having to deal with any fallout.

I won't comment on any other aspects of your posts as they have been addressed by other posters.

My gut is that you are willing to go along with your wife's mandate of not telling as you know you have a plan where it will all come out in the open - when you don't have to deal with the consequences.

I think this is very disrespectful to your elder daughter. I think your wife would agree - but I'm guessing she doesn't know about the will...

You sound like a very troubled person, so I've been far more gentle in my post that I would wish because I think anything else would be counter productive.

If you intend to leave money to your younger daughter then you need to tell your elder. You owe her the opportunity to decide how she feels and give her the opportunity to ask questions.

In my own family we had a similar situation and the "revelation" came when the father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and left everyone not just dealing with that but all the massive revelations. It was hell.

If my dad had a child/ren from his affairs then I would want to know

Even if your mother was alive and you knew felt beyond humiliated and begged him not to tell you? You'd think that your right to know about other chlid/ren out there trumps your mother's right to some respect, given that ultimately she was betrayed, not you?

I understand if the mother was out of the picture, or didn't mind people knowing, I'd think telling the English daughter then would be the right thing to do, even if Ted risked her losing respect for him....though who knows she might look at him with fresh eyes thinking DF wasn't as predictable as everyone thought!

I think your English daughter needs to know at some point (maybe not right now). It is clearly eating you alive and it would be awful if she found out some other way. I think however it is very VERY unlikely that your English daughter would want to be friends with your Polish daughter. I expect she'll never want to know her, please prepare yourself for that eventuality if you do tell her.

Also, please please find a way to visit your Polish daughter. It is heartbreaking to think that she might believe she is not important to you. It is unreasonable for anyone to prevent you from seeing her, be it your wife or Polish mother. Fight for her, I think you will massively regret it if you don't.

I disagree - I don't the think the rights of the mother top trump the rights of a child to know they have a half sibling.

DarthMaiden,

I'm pretty sure ted intends to make a separate arrangement which is not going to be part of his will. (is such thing allowed? I'm sure it can be arranged, separate savings account in Polish DD name or something).

Perhaps NO

I generally feel that this secret is destructive to all concerned and the sooner it's in the open the better.

In my own family the revelation came far too late. Im probably biased by that I admit.

jellyspoons. Many thanks . A kind and thoughtful post.

I tend to agree with you. Not tell my English daughter yet. And try and at least get some money to the Polish mother and hopefully have a video chat with my Polish daughter. Though a visit would be better but I can't imagine PM agreeing to that. I can't imagine her even agreeing to speak to me at the moment.

It's interesting that you suggested CBT to me. A couple of years ago it was suggested to me that I should look into CBT but it was very expensive.

I am seeing my doctor again soon and shall see if it is possible on the NHS.

Thanks for the link. I shall try and work through that. Very helpful of you.

Many thanks

I can't believe that most people just seem to brush off the feelings of ted's wife who is the most devastated person in this situation. It doesn't matter whether it's right or wrong of her to ask ted not to tell their DD. Surely he owes her some respect after a lifetime partnership and shouldn't just break her heart even further, if I was his DD I wouldn't thank him for the info at the cost of trampling my mother in the dirt (if it was perceived by DM like that).

There is a good chance DM might come around eventually and would tell their DD herself. It should be left to her to deal with it the way she feels would minimise the damage to HER. Or if she died first then Ted should tell his DD1 and explain why he couldn't tell when DW was alive, surely she'd respect that and understand?

I think - stand to be corrected by a lawyer - that in my will I must acknowledge my Polish daughter. Otherwise the will can be challenged. So I must leave her something.

Having said that, I obviously do want to leave her something.