Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Yes I agree that I should tell her. But as to whether it is better for her or not is not proven either way.
I would agree with this if you could 100% guarantee that she would never know - but in all likelihood it will come out and you know it will with the will written as you say it is.

Honestly imagine how your ED is going to feel when you die. She is going to be grieving for the loss of her father. Then when she finds out she has a half sister, she is going to question everything and is then going to grieve the man she thought you were. And then when she finds out her mother knew...poor girl.

But as to whether it is better for her or not is not proven either way.

Do you really need to wonder this?

You have one chance to do something halfway honourable here OP and that is to tell your daughter she has a sister. It is not up to you or your wife to withhold that information from her. If you conceal from her what she should know you are denying her due process and that is fundamentally wrong, I for one would find that very hard to forgive.

I'm not suggesting you are a person of limited understanding, but perhaps you have difficulty in identifying rights and wrongs within a relationship.

You are going to run out of excuses for your position as it stands at the moment, and it would go better for you if you could prepare yourself for what is to come in an adult way.

You should not have promised your wife that you wouldn't tell your daughter. You chose to buy your wife's loyalty to your marriage at the price of having to lie to your daughter.

You need to renegotiate. The terms agreed are insupportable long term.

OK thanks all. I think I get the drift of the comments!

My intention is to go to counselling and see if that helps me clarify what I should do.

IF the result of that is that telling my ED seems the right thing to do then I first of all need to have that very difficult conversation with my wife, as I agreed with her that I would not to tell my ED!

All of that will take a few weeks and give some time to think things through. There isn't any urgency in the matter because at the moment there is zero chance of any contact with my PD due to the PM not wanting any contact.

In the meantime I shall focus on trying to see if the PM can be persuaded to take the maintenance payments and to visit my PD or at least chat with her on video chat.

Thanks again everyone. Very kind of you all to comment.

Ted may I suggest that if the decision is to tell your ED, that it's a conversation you may want to have with your counselor present to mediate between you and your wife?

It's much easier to stay on topic and refrain from emotional language or outbursts that way. Also it appears to me that your wife either bullies or controls you. Having your counselor there may allow you to speak more freely and without fear of being shouted down or threatened.

Talk to your counselor about it once you've worked it through.

This whole fucking thread is about YOU OP. So incredibly self indulgent and, yes, super whiney.

You say that your eldest daughter will find out when your will is read. The only difference is that you won't have to deal with any fallout. It's about protecting YOUR feelings.
Taking that choice from her so it's easier for YOU is beyond the pale.

The damage you are, and will cause your younger daughter, is simply collateral damage of YOU making things easier for YOU.

But hey, as long as YOU get to live out YOUR life with as little drama as you can possible can, that's what counts right? Fuck anyone else, they can deal after you're gone and don't have to bear the consequences.

^^ THIS. Will bells on

I am confused when you say my younger daughter? Do you mean my Polish daughter?

IF you do mean my Polish daughter then can you suggest how I can persuade the Polish mother to allow me contact? Because I don't have a solution.

AcrossthePond55. Good idea. Though persuading my wife to go to a meeting might be a problem. I can only ask.

For information. I haven't decided to tell or not tell my English daughter. I am waiting until after some counselling sessions. I don't think I am in a fit place emotionally to make big decisions at the moment.

Thanks again everyone.

All the best

Of course your polish daughter is your "younger daughter". I'm not quite sure why you keep referred her as the "polish daughter".

I agree that counselling is best. But I feel you're doing it to be TOLD what you should do by a professional, which they won't do. You need counselling to get to the root of your self esteem issues

Why do you think the mother of your younger/Polish/raised by a single parent daughter will not allow contact? Is it because you have not acknowledged her to your family in Britain, or because of something to do with you, personally? What have you done to address the situation since you broke the news to your wife?

As you can see from the thread she is upset because I wanted a second DNA test (which MANY on this forum were suggesting I do!!) and that my wife controls all communications and maintenance payments.

That seems to have caused her to not want any contact or maintenance payments. Though that is only speculation because she will not contact me.

Sorry but I was responding to this comment from SpareASquare:

The damage you are, and will cause your younger daughter, is simply collateral damage of YOU making things easier for YOU.

As I keep saying the Polish mother will not respond to any communication so I cannot see how I can resolve the matter? I would love to be part of my Polish daughter's life. But if her mother won't let me then what can I do?

All sensible suggestions are welcome.

I wonder what conversations your wife and the Polish woman have had about the situation? Would your wife have taken the opportunity to tell her to get lost? Is your wife lying to you about not receiving any communication from the Polish woman? It must be very hard for your wife to act as go-between when her instinct is to never speak about any of it again.

^But if her mother won't let me then what can I do?Y

You know what to do. Posters on this thread have already told you. You do what every other decent father does when he being denied access to his child.

Look I think in his situation the only thing you can do is be totally honest with everyone involved. You made this mess and you now have to live with the consequences. You have to tell your English daughter about the polish one. If she finds out another way she will never forgive you and if she finds out after you have died, that could scar her for the rest of her life. At least if you tell her the whole truth now you have a chance of saving your relationship with her. If your wife chooses not to forgive you for telling her, I'm afraid that's just the price you will have to pay. You seem to have a lot of excuses and you put yourself down a lot. What I get from reading this thread is you seem to be quite selfish and only really worried about the impact on you. Your actions have negatively impacted on your wife, both your daughters and the polish mum. It's comes across as you only seem to be worried about how it's impacted you. Do you really love your wife so much and are afraid to lose her, or do you just not want to be alone at your age. As a pp has said, you seem to ignore all the messages that don't say what you want to hear and pick on the one post that does. TBH the relationship that happens between the two daughter is irrelevant. Your English daughter has the right to know she has a sibling so she can make her own decision if she wants a relationship or not. She deserves to hear it from you. How do you think she would feel knowing that the polish girl knew about her all along? It's obvious from the many post you have written that you do want to tell your daughter.

Fairenuff. What?

I honestly have no idea what you are suggesting I should do.

It seems to me that you just want to be cruel to me but not to offer any helpful suggestions.

So please tell me. What can I do ? Bearing in mind that the Polish mother will not communicate with me.

MsWannaBanana But how ? I don't actually see a mechanism for my ED meeting or contacting my PD because as I keep repeating the PM will not communicate with me.

My DH's uncle discovered after his father died that he had a "love child" as well as two children within his marriage. His regret wasn't that his father hadn't told him (this all thirty years ago, and I think secrecy was expected; also the father died quite suddenly in his 50s). It was that his older brother found out first, after the adult daughter contacted him, and "lost" all of her contact details.

I think it would be best not to tell your English daughter right now, this very second, primarily because your first responsibility is to your wife, and she's asked you not to. Going against her wishes after you've already had an affair and another child, and just told her about it, seems needlessly provocative and unkind to me, and this seems to be your own sense too.

But I hope you can tell your ED at some point, once the dust has settled and you are clearer about what kind of relationship you're going to be allowed/ able to have with your younger daughter. It isn't, after all, as if your ED is going to be able to have any kind of relationship with her sibling as things stand, is it? So the possibility that she might regret NOT pursuing the relationship doesn't arise (as it might if, for example, an adult living close by turned out to be her sister). In that case, the information is merely a not very pleasant fact about you -- which she will I imagine learn at some point, and which will be hurtful. But I agree with you that there's no urgency about it, and think your wife's strong, immediate feelings should come first.

There's 2 daughters. Eldest and youngest..
I'm not sure what all this English and polish business is about

Your youngest daughters mother (although angry atm) does seem to have been quite reasonable and patient over the years so i suspect she will budge on the no contact situation. Just keep the lines of communication open - keep emailing. Ask about the child, don't make everything about YOU.

And please learn the language. It's ridiculous that you haven't in 5 years. I can tell you that it might be cute and ok to Google translate with her Now, but in the future it will mean no meaningful relationship and bond can form.

Fairenuff. What?

I honestly have no idea what you are suggesting I should do

Come on, OP, stop being so obtuse.

Fairenuff Sun 07-May-17 12:16:38
Access could be sorted through the courts if that's what you decide you want.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 08-May-17 17:33:19
Actually, you don't. I'm sure there are legal avenues in Poland to pursue court ordered visits. You really need to stop painting yourself as a victim-martyr. You can't do XX because of your wife. You can't do YY because of the Polish Mum. And in all of this you are forgetting the true victims in all of this: both of your daughters.

MusterMark Mon 26-Jun-17 00:45:30

'I can't see how to convince the PM to let me visit my Polish daughter'

I think you would be best off consulting a qualified professional specialising in family law, in Poland, rather than a forum.

HTH

I am confused when you say my younger daughter? Do you mean my Polish daughter?

Why were you confused about this? Do you have another daughter?

hopsalong

Thanks for being so understanding. That does seem a very rational response to the situation.

Thanks again

The reason I was confused about which daughter was being referred to was because I have no means of communicating with her. And hence the comment that I wasn't doing enough seemed pointless. If I cannot even contact her then how can I do anything?

Regarding the legal route. As I have already said it seems a rather unkind and mean spirited thing to do to the Polish mother. She has enough problems without me dragging her through the courts.

I personally don't see that as a very kind way to proceed. I gather you do.

It's unkind to your daughter though isn't it. To just abandon her.