Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

To be honest you are not doing too bad, ted, with trying to be a DF to your Polish daughter.

I know two situations where guys got somebody pregnant against their (guys')wills - one was assured the lady was on the pill(she actually calculated her ovulating date), the other assumed the lady was infertile - but everyone including herself thought she was infertile after 18 years of childless marriage behind her.

The one who got the "infertile" girl pregnant was furious, he wasn't on the birth certificate and didn't want anything to do with the child or money support, but she pursued him through legal channels (they were colleagues). In the end no-one judged him for not getting involved in the child's life, and the child's mother was pleased enough to get any maintenance at all.

The other case - too long a story and revealing but the consensus was that nobody really, knowing the circumstances, expected more than basic money support and anything else was seen as a bonus. And these guys were single! They didn't betray their partners. If they were married to anyone at the time, I'd imagine the expectations from anyone for them to be involved with these DCs (all examples I can think of are DDs funnily enough) would be lowest of the low.

Ted has been trying to do far more than the minimum already with his DD2 in quite difficult circumstances, however you look at it.

Well it is clear to everyone that for DD1 to find out the truth via the will would be horrible, but hopefully, esp if you stop drinking, tedrekasta, that's still decades ahead, and your DW would mellow down and see light and you would achieve some sort of compromise, I'm sure she'd agree that for DD1 to find out at reading the will would be worse than her or you telling her at some point. Just give her time, it's really hasn't been that long since she found out...

Hey Ted, I got cbt through the NHS, actually I did it as a self referral so didn't have to see my GP. if you look up IAPT that's normally the name of the service and just see if you can self refer. Often a really long waiting list but worth getting the ball rolling I'd say.

But ted do you realize the level of betrayal your ED (EnglishDaughter) is going to feel when she finds out about your PD (Polish Daughter) after you have died? She will feel that the her relationship with you has been a complete lie. And you won't even be around to explain your motives or even to hear her rant at you, something she is very entitled to do. I'm sorry, but it's cowardice on your part of the rankest kind. I feel so sorry for ED. Sorry for the level of betrayal and pain she will feel.

Don't you think ED deserves better? How can you say you love her and yet be willing to subject ED to such heartrending pain? Simply because you are too much of a coward to be a real father to her and accept the responsibility of your actions.

I think if your dd has any conception of the state of your lacking-affection, sexless marriage and has witnessed her mother deriding you...then after your passing and your wife tells her or she reads of Polish dd's existence she will be shocked, not approving but it will be understood. I still don't think she'll want anything to do with the Polish dd because she'll have her mother to support. Maybe after both your passing and there are no dutiful ties and guilt restricting her, she might make contact with her half-sibling. Or she might not. Doing so when you're alive involves a choosing of sides. Of confrontation. Of irrevocable breaches.

My father was perpetually unfaithful to my mother - so not your circumstances at all. My mother is no longer alive so if any half siblings suddenly emerged out of the woodwork I'd be curious & interested to meet them. Were my mother alive my support of her trumps all else. Does that make sense?

If the Polish mother is refusing to take money that does not revoke your rights to access but given the international aspect it makes it problematic. I would write to her and tell her that your wife knows of Polish dd's existence and naturally is hurt and angry. She wants to see all communications and needs to have some control as she is afraid you will desert her. Because you have no wish to compound the hurt to your wife and there has to be transparency going forward you have allowed it. You would ask that she accept the money for Polish dd because it is hers to have. You also want to continue to see dd so she knows her father. You offer no threat to her way of life with Polish mother in Poland.

I would put aside the money for your Polish dd come what may. It is hers to have, whether that is when Polish mother thaws or if she doesn't then when your dd is an adult.

Sorry, i do realise my viewpoint counters the previous post and you are already confused about what to do. And to be clear I don't castigate or criticise you - you made a mistake. And I speak as a betrayed wife so you'd think I'd identify with your wife but tbh she has had her own part to play in this unhappy scenario.

My stance is this: truth is good but not all truths are kind. Kindness must always temper truth.

You've had some good advice too about seeking help with your horrendously abusive childhood. It clearly affects you to this day and therefore it is never too late to seek help in addressing that hurt. You describe yourself as weak & passive & very afraid of confrontation. The latter is very understandable; it's been hard-wired into you from the beatings & compounded by your marriage & choice of life-partner. But you are also guilty of constructing that narrative about yourself. And that's not the true narrative. That is why counselling & CBT could be beneficial.

jellyspoons. Thank you that is most interesting. I looked at the site but couldn't see how to self refer myself for CBT. Could you please help me with a direct link as I would very much like to go ahead with some CBT.

Nodowntime. Thanks for being kind and supportive.

I was feeling rather low after some of the responses I got on this thread - not that the people concerned weren't genuine. It's just that helping is better than simply criticising, which achieves nothing. As I already know I am a bad person.

So thanks for helping. I do love my Polish daughter and am actively trying to find a way to visit her. Or at least have a phone chat with her.

Thanks again.

It isn't about criticising you. It's frustration

I must admit I find this whole situation disgusting. What kind of 43 old woman (she was 43 at the time I assume) goes after are 63 old man (as you said she's 20 yrs younger) and then conceives at that age when she's all alone, no support? Weird that she wasn't married/ had DCS. I smell a rat. Especially if the DNA was done in Poland

And you, OP, need to tell your wife and daughter. Was you did was wrong on every level and you're making it even worse EVERY SINGLE DAY. What will you do when you'll retire? Now you can justify your guilt trips in Poland, but when you retire? Eh?

I do feel for the poor little girl, she has no fault her mom's fucking nuts.

Ted, I've followed your story from the beginning, and despite the obvious hurdles you've had to overcome this year, I am pleased for you that at this point you now have confirmation of your polish daughter's paternity, and that your wife is now fully aware of the situation.

The sticking point to me, seems to be the issue of telling your English daughter about her half-sibling. I want to make it clear that my personal viewpoint is that you should be telling your English daughter as soon as possible. My reasoning is as follows:

Your polish daughter is already aware of her half sibling. You say that your wife does not believe in the possibility of her searching for your English daughter on social media in the next 6 or so years (I would say that regardless of social media rules and parenting ideals, that age 11 could likely be the age that she would be starting to use such platforms), and I wonder if this is because your wife and yourself are of an older generation who really minimise the idea of the social media prevalence in today's youth. Regardless of whether your English daughter currently uses social media or not, the facility to attempt contact will continue to be there, and I believe it would be far more distressing for your English daughter to find out in such a shocking way.

You have absolutely no idea as to how your English daughter will react to the news. Yes, it is possible that she will be furious with you for having an affair/ side with her mother/ refuse contact with you. However, your daughter is not an emotional teenager. She is a grown woman with 2 children of her own. Her maternal instinct to her own children, really should allow her some insight into your reasons for wanting to continue your relationship with your polish daughter. She knows the overwhelming love for a child, she knows the feelings of duty and responsibility that all parents should hold, and should eventually come to terms with the fact that regardless of your polish daughter's conception, you should be and continue to be involved as any proper up- standing father should be. It may take time for her to deal with her emotions after receiving such news, but you are her father/ have been there for her throughout her life, and you will not stop being her father just because of the decision you took 6 years ago. Her love for you and her lifetime of history with you, should not be wiped away, purely because of this. If my father had done this, I would be angry/ go through stages of upset and anger, but would come out the other side in a stronger place of knowing I was fully in charge of the facts, and could make my own informed decisions about attempting to create a relationship with my new half-sibling if I chose to do so.

Currently, your English daughter is unaware of the issue, but has obviously noticed your distancing yourself from her, and a level of secrecy and odd atmosphere between her Mum and Dad. Right now, she could be imagining all sorts of scenarios, with either you or your wife scared to tell her of a terminal diagnosis, or severe money worries, or anything. The turmoil that you could be unwittingly creating in your English daughter is completely unfair and avoidable. Family secrets such as these do immense damage, and should not be kept for everyone's sake- honesty is always the best policy, regardless of the short-term upset they will undoubtedly cause.

On the other hand, as you do not know how your daughter will react to the news, you do not know where her anger and frustration will be pointed towards. If I was to find out on my father's death bed that he had fathered another child, after I had processed the hurt and anger at his actions, if I then discovered that despite his longing to tell me, my own mother had refused his requests, I would be absolutely furious at my mother for creating a lifetime of deception, and for denying me the possibility of forging any relationship with that sibling. You and your wife have a duty towards your English daughter to furnish her with the truth right now. The possibility that your daughter could be more angry towards your wife's continued deception until your death/ will-reading, is a very real possibility, and I am sure you do not want to irrevocably damage their relationship.

On the subject of age-gaps, the younger your polish daughter is when she starts communicating with your English daughter, the better. Children are more adaptable, more resilient, more open and loving, the younger they are when they start to form relationships with adult family members. Your English daughter would have far more chance at creating a loving sibling bond with her sister at this age, than she would when they are both adults. Your daughter even has the experience of understanding her own children of a similar age- their likes/ dislikes/ fads & behaviours- she would be more in-tune with this half-sibling now, then at any other point in the future.

In my personal life, I have a DSS who will be 20 this year, and who lives 5 hours away from us. He has a wonderful, loving relationship with his younger half siblings (17, 15, 7, and 1) who live with us, which has been built and maintained over the years via 3 or 4 yearly trips either way/ regular Skype or WhatsApp or phone calls/ social media with the older ones/ inclusion in family events/ random letters and pictures and jokes sent through the post either way. 3 months can go by between real-life visits, and our 7 year old still runs to him and plays with him, as though they were never apart. Despite the distance, sibling relationships can flourish if all the adults involved put the effort in.

And on another point in my personal life, 15 years ago when I met and began a relationship with my DP, he had my 2 DSDs with his ex-partner, then aged 5 months and 2 years of age. Plus he also had my DSS, then aged 4 years of age, who lived at the other end of the country. My DP and the 2 mother's of his 3 children had, had their children very young in their teenage years, and for one immature reason or another, my DP had gone along with a request from the mother of his 2 daughter's, to not tell them of their half-sibling's existence. Absolute idiocy and stupidity I felt, which within a year of our relationship became a deal-breaker for me, as I felt I would be unable to continue a relationship with a man who I felt was not putting the emotional needs and future lives of all his children first. This decision of my DP could have been a red flag, but we were all very young and immature back then.
The fall-out of defying his ex-partner's request to keep his son a secret until his daughters were teenagers was immense- withheld contact/ damaged civil relationship etc, but it was absolutely the right thing to do. Within a few years, amicable relationships resumed, and now 15 years on, the relationship that all 3 of my DSC enjoy with each other as near adults is solid/ unwavering/ supportive/ loving and will hopefully last a lifetime. I dread to think of how damaged their relationships with each other or indeed their parents would have been, had the ridiculous secret been maintained throughout their childhoods.

This is just my perspective- one of many that you have read on your post, but I truly believe that once you have told your english daughter, once the dust has settled and your daughter forgives you and moves on, once your wife has chosen to stay or leave; the polish mother will know that your intentions and long-term hopes for a relationship with your polish daughter are more clear and obvious, and will open up the contact arrangements again. Her request for a sibling relationship has not been fulfilled, but if you take that step, she will know you are serious about her daughter being in your life long-term.

The limbo that you are living in, is unhealthy and damaging to your own health, let alone your polish daughter's emotional and mental well-being at growing up knowing she is a secret, let alone your English's daughter's right to a choice in her life and her possible worries about what on earth is bothering her parents, let alone your wife's mental well-being with holding this secret inside herself as well. It is indeed unfortunate that you intially agreed to your wife's request to never tell your English daughter, but realistically this request cannot be adhered to. Swallow your fear and calmly inform your wife that you will be telling your daughter as it is the only option available for everyone's sake.

Take the step to a better life- emotionally, mentally, and honestly, for the sakes of all your family members.
Tell your daughter.

Kitty,
Despite the distance, sibling relationships can flourish if all the adults involved put the effort in.

It's not the situation where the adults involved would rush to put the effort in, is it?
Also there's no true sibling relationship with such an age gap, though it could still be some time of family relationship.

However, there is a language barrier there, and with the distance and the language barrier any kind of relationship is quite unrealistic at this stage. So I cannot see what the rush is.
The wife asked not to reveal the child's existence to their DD, she's still shocked by the revelations. To go pointedly against her request right now, what for? Who will gain from it? But if ted is patient and makes his point to his DW kindly about DD finding out one day one way or the other, it's likely will not take too long for the DW to change her mind and decide not to brush all the secrets under the carpet, though maybe it is not just about saving face for her, maybe she herself is afraid that her feminist DD might put the pressure on her to LTB after such revelations, who knows? And she doesn't want to LTB and justify her decision to her DD....

But I'm sure time will heal and she'll see that it is for the best to not keep it a secret, she just needs to work out for herself the best way to present the info to DD.
To just go behind her back and tell DD would be immensely disrespectful, and waiting for a few months /a year is not going to make it suddenly worse than keeping it a secret for all the previous years.

some type of family relationship

He isn't going to do it though. He revels in his cowardice and takes every opportunity to espouse how weak and pathetic he is. He loves it.

This thread is just fuelling his ego.

ted in no way do I think you are a 'bad person'. I reserve that for people who truly go out of their way to cause pain and I don't think that's what you did.

I think you are a weak man who chose not to resist temptation, and I think you are a cowardly man who will not live up to the responsibilities created by that choice. But that can be said of many people.

You know what the right thing to do is, you just refuse to do it. You refuse to do it because you are selfish. You say 'I' don't want to lose my wife, 'I' don't want to lose PD. 'I' don't want to face ED. 'I' don't want to disrupt my life. I, I, I, I!! What about them?

ted my DH is pretty much your age (early 60s). And for all his faults, he is an honourable man. I can guarantee you that if he'd found himself in this mess he would have 'stood up and taken it like a man'. He would tell me the truth and if I divorced him in order to live my life out with some happiness he would have felt it the price he paid for his foolishness. He would tell our sons that they have a 1/2 sister and if they cut him out he would have again felt it was the price he had to pay. In return he would have been a free man in his conscience and in his ability to live the rest of his life in an honourable way.

So much of this burden you are carrying is because you refuse to be an honourable man. You can be, you choose not to be.

Nodowntime,
I do agree with you that "time will heal and she'll see that it is for the best to not keep it a secret", and that "a few months /a year is not going to make it suddenly worse", but it has been 5 months since the OP admitted his infidelity to his wife.

Nearly half a year, which although short enough for the wife to still be coming to terms with things, is still long enough for the polish daughter to be losing her relationship with her father, the OP to be missing out on experiencing and hearing of his daughter's achievements and life changes, the English daughter to be fretting over her father's distancing from herself and the odd behaviour between her parents, and the polish mother's patience to be running out with the stilted contact and decreased maintenance and allegations of deceit. Plus it is long enough for the OPs mental health to be suffering, and for him to have turned to and now thankfully begin his recovery from alcohol issues. Not to mention, long enough for the wife to be rebuilding her life on the premise that this will be kept a secret forever, only for the OP to continually bring up the subject over the years due to his longing, and eventually resentment will grow between the pair of them.

I did not suggest that OP should "Just go behind her back and tell DD", as I agree that this would be immensely disrespectful.
The wife has made her choice to stay with her husband in full knowledge of his infidelity, and I think it would be unfair for her to soldier forwards in the belief that the current status quo of secrecy can continue indefinitely. OP needs to discuss with his wife that for the sake of their daughters, the English daughter must and will be told within say the next 2 months. This should give them time as parents to decide and prepare for how they will support their English daughter to deal with the shocking news, and for the wife to decide if she will be staying or leaving.

I think you are probably right in that "Also there's no true sibling relationship with such an age gap, though it could still be some type of family relationship", but that family relationship could still be loving and strong given the chance. My own personal experience of 19 years between siblings, or friends with similar age-gaps between their own children or their own siblings, have luckily all been wonderfully positive, although I realise that a lot of this is down to luck/ time/ commitment/ open-ness of all family involvement. But there is a chance and a possibility here that should be acted on- life is far too short for "what if's" and regrets.

I slightly disagree with "It's not the situation where the adults involved would rush to put the effort in, is it?"
The adults involved are the OP, who clearly wishes for his daughters to attempt a sibling relationship, and has the facility and means to provide his English daughter, should she want them, with the postal address for letters/gifts, the email and Skype addresses for photos/ face-to-face, and the money towards his daughters' travels should the English daughter decide to overcome her dislike of travelling if her urge was great enough, or for the Polish daughter to travel should her mother allow it in time.

The next adult is the polish mother, who has continually requested that the OP make his English daughter aware of her sibling's existence, and most recently requested that "subject to the result of the DNA test, the two half sisters to know each other - either by whatsapp video or skype or meeting!!"
I believe that the polish mother appears to be acting in her daughter's best interests, and would facilitate and put the effort into allowing and encouraging a relationship between the sisters.

The next adult is the English daughter. Once furnished with the truth, and once she has dealt with the anger/ disappointment/ pain of knowing of her father's infidelity, she may or may not wish to attempt a relationship with the child. But that would be her choice/ her right/ her decision either way.

The last involved adult is the wife. Her choice to stay or leave the OP, once he has made it clear that the English daughter will be told, is a tricky one in regard to her daughter's choice to be involved with the child of her husband's affair. But no-one knows how she or they would react- it could be that the English daughter chooses not to be involved for the sake of loyalty to her mother, or that the wife encourages her daughter's choice to be involved with the child for the sake of her daughter's wishes.

Your point about the wife being worried/ unsure of her feminist daughter's reactions are completely valid, but the limbo that they are currently all living in would surely be better once the truth was out, and all parties involved could make their own choices. Someone upthread used a "slowly removed sticking plaster" analogy, which seems very apt, but the longer and slower this plaster is removed will just create further and deeper rifts in all the relationships involved.

Thanks again everyone.

I have taken some time to reply because I was trying to understand all of the different points of view I have had on this thread. Not just over the past few days.

I have re-read the whole thread a couple of times. I particularly looked at people who had actually been involved in such a situation or a similar situation. It seems that their real life experience is valuable in that it provides real evidence of the consequences of what I have done and what I should do in the future.

Concluding all of that is difficult because there are such polarised views from you all.

This is the current 'state of play' :

1. Tell my wife. Done.

1. Start a separate bank account to pay money into for the maintenance payments that the Polish mother is refusing. I had a savings bank account that I no longer use so I have persuaded my wife to set up a direct debit into that. As she handles all of the money now in the household. Done.

1. Send a couple of emails, via my wife (I have to as she has changed the password) explaining, again, that I really want to keep visiting my Polish daughter and at least for the time being speak to her on the phone. No reply yet. I also contacted the person I know in Poland to ask if they can help. Done, but no result.

1. Talked with my wife about telling our English daughter. She was adamant that in our agreement to save our marriage I had agreed to not telling our English daughter. Which is true. I put it to her that maybe she could give it some thought and that at some time in the future she may change her mind. But she said, no. She also said she was sick of the whole thing and doesn't really want to discuss it at all, ever. She also begrudges me sending so many emails to the Polish mother. She sees it as a sign of me being affectionate towards her. Not true of course. But I understand her worries. Tried and failed.

1. Maintenance payments. My wife demanded that they should all still be done via her. And she doesn't want to raise them back to what they were before I told her about my Polish daughter. However, she did relent a bit and agreed to raise them to almost what they were. These are the payments that are now going into the deposit account for my Polish daughter. Sort of done on one out of two counts. One am saving the maintenance payments for the Polish mother/daughter. Two failed to yet persuade PM to accept them.

So the big three issues are still: telling my English daughter, persuading PM to accept the maintenance payments and for the PM to allow me to visit our Polish daughter.

KittyConCarne. Thank you for spending so much time writing such a fulsome response. It must have taken ages. Just a couple of points. My wife and I have not really had much of a relationship for years/decades. The physical side of things is more or less non existent - literally. Though I should add, as previously mentioned, this doesn't really bother me, I seem to have a very low libido. And we sit in separate rooms when home. So I don't think our English daughter would notice anything strange in that. And she knows we sleep separately for example. You make a VERY good point about my English daughter perhaps finding it easier to form a relationship with my Polish daughter now rather than when they are both adults. However, to counter that there is the language barrier and the distance barrier. As well as the PM not wanting any contact. I was interested in your DSS being 20 and having a good relationship with his half siblings. Even with such age gaps. That was heartening. You are right that the 'limbo' I am living is damaging my health. Especially my mental health.

Nodowntime. You make a very good point that having waited this long, waiting a bit longer whilst hopefully my wife perhaps softens her views might well be a good idea. Though when I did talk to her she was still very adamant. And angry.

Acrossthepond55. As I said I have been a coward all my life. That's just the truth. And I am so old now that I suspect I cannot easily change into being like your DH and 'take it like a man'. I admire your DH though, and wish I could be more like him. And you make a good point about me whining about 'I' all the time. But the reason I have so many problems in this situation is that I DON'T want to hurt anyone. It's because I love them all - Polish D, English D, my wife. I don't love the Polish mother but I do feel for her. I'm not sure that is being selfish. Anyway, my life is a total misery.

In conclusion:

1. I can't see how to convince the PM to take the money.
2. I can't see how to convince the PM to let me visit my Polish daughter.
3. I did agree with my wife not to tell our English daughter and so I am reluctant at the moment to tell her. As suggested a period of time MAY help my wife come to terms with telling our English daughter. I hope so.

Thank you again all of you. So kind. Really kind.

ProphetofDoom
I am fully intending to get some counselling. CBT. If I can get it free on the NHS.
Thanks for your post.

1. I can't see how to convince the PM to take the money.

Keep it in trust, worst case is the Polish daughter inherits it after your death, or has it available for university, or whatever.

1. I can't see how to convince the PM to let me visit my Polish daughter.

I think you would be best off consulting a qualified professional specialising in family law, in Poland, rather than a forum.

1. I did agree with my wife not to tell our English daughter and so I am reluctant at the moment to tell her.

Step back from this one for now. Resolve the access problem first.

I think you ought to make the trust legal now via lawyer in Poland. Set everything up, let PM know about your decision with details of the lawyer etc.

1. You're scared of your English daughter hating you. You're not protecting her, because you don't know how she's going to react. You're also scared of your wife going ballistic when you tell your English daughter (you know she won't leave you, because she hasn't yet and she would lose too much face if she did. You know, 100%, that there will be a period of absolute awfulness but your wife and English daughter will keep this to themselves and punish you forever onwards in private, just so long as your secret doesn't come out. That's the bed you made, now you need to lie in it).

As such, you're being a pussy. Your English daughter deserves to know, you deserve to feel her wrath for what you've done to her mother and to her, and you need to take it on the chin.

1. You keep funding the account for your Polish daughter. You give a young lawyer, local to your Polish daughter, power of attorney and instruct that upon the earlier of your death and your Polish daughter's maturity she is to receive all that money (held in trust for her if she inherits as a child). Once she's adult, her mother can only exert emotional pressure on her to refuse it. If your Polish daughter still doesn't accept the money within - say - 5 years of maturity, it goes to a local orphanage.

The way you deal with this in your twilight years could be the making of you. It's not too late. You've fucked up, and as such the only and best thing you can do is take responsibility for your errors and carry EVERYBODY's burden alone.

Yours is a salutary tale which should be told to young men the world over. What a fucking waste of time and energy. Stick two fingers up at your own dad and ACT LIKE THE MAN AND FATHER HE NEVER WAS. Don't be the coward he was.

Ted, as I've mentioned before, my DH and I are just about your age. Younger people may buy the 'can't teach an old dog new tricks' but, if you are honest, you and I know better.

You can change and become the man that both of your daughters deserve as a father. It won't be easy and will take professional help. But you will be a much happier man without this burden you are carrying.

Thank you all of you.

I am sorry to have not replied more promptly.

As I said I am already saving the money for my Polish daughter.

I have decided to wait until I have had some counselling before finally deciding what to do about telling my daughter and negotiating this with my wife. I am not in a healthy state of mind at the moment and so need time to decide what to do. And I also need to be able to think it through clearly.

I obviously feel confused. And many of you have expressed the opinion that I shouldn't tell my English daughter because no good will come of it.

Several of you say she has a right to know. Not wholly convinced. But it's certainly the case that I know people who would have preferred NOT to know about some things they were told.

Anyway thank you all again. You've been very kind with your time.

Today for some unknown reason I feel particularly low and just feel that the best thing to do is never visit my Polish daughter and never tell my daughter. I am sure these emotions will pass. Especially after counselling.

No counselor worth his/her salt will tell you what to do. You shouldn't look to counseling for answers. At best, you can look to it as the start of a process by which you can work out for yourself what to do. You still have to make the decision.

Not telling your English daughter, and allowing her to find out when you're no longer around to deal with the fallout, is denying her the chance to express her feelings to you. That would be utterly selfish. But no doubt very tempting.

the best thing to do is never visit my Polish daughter and never tell my daughter

Yep, those would definitely be the easiest options for you.