Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? (title edited by MNHQ)

[tedrekasta]

I have an English daughter aged 32. She has 2 children.

Shamefully, I had an affair 6 years ago with a Polish woman who I met abroad whilst working which (accidentally) resulted in another daughter. She lives in Poland with her mother (and elder Polish half sister).

I have never told my English daughter about her half sister in Poland.

Historically, my English daughter always yearned for a sister and my wife and I regret not having any more children. We are in our 60's. I am 68.

I have to tell terrible lies to both my wife and my English daughter in order to go and visit my daughter in Poland. Which I do about every 2 months.

I miss my Polish daughter, now 5, very much. But I love my English daughter so much and don't want to hurt her. And I love my wife very much and don't want to hurt her.

I just don't know what to do.

Should I tell my English daughter that she has a very young half sister living in Poland?

I am deeply upset and ashamed of myself. But want the best for my wife, my English daughter and my Polish daughter.

I would love any advice. Especially from anyone who has been through such a situation or similar situation.

Thank you for any help.

Check out this thread Ted

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2964547-Imagine-you-were-like-40-or-something-and-someone-popped-up-claiming-to-be-your-half-sib-that-you-never-knew-existed

Not here to give you a hard time but wanted to give my perspective on a similar-ish situation.
I haven't had any contact with my biological father since I was 2. My stepdad has always just been Dad to me.
I know bio father remarried quickly and has multiple other children that I have never met, do not even know their names or genders.
If I see my maiden name pop up on FB I am always wondering if these people are siblings of mine. I have no idea what their relationship with my bio father is like (he was a bastard to my mum, but he may have morphed into dad of the year for them. Who knows). I can openly say I'm very bitter about the entire thing.
I would have been happier not knowing about them, but then again I have no relationship with my bio father, unlike your daughter.
I'm not going to offer advice to you OP as I have absolutely no idea what to suggest, but that's been my experience of having siblings that I didn't know existed and have never met. Hope you work this out for the sake of everyone involved.

Thanks sproutish . That was interesting.

debbs77. Thank you. It seems that not everyone is interested in their half sibling if there is a big age gap. Which makes me think that telling my English daughter would be a bad idea.

Smitff.

But several people have expressed the view that it would be a bad idea. And on another thread it seems that when there is a big age gap between the half siblings then they are not that interested in forming a relationship.

My main reason for telling my English daughter would be for her to meet and get to know her half sister. But it just doesn't seem likely to work like that. Hence it would not be a good idea to tell her because all it will do is cause a lot of upset.

I saw more than half the people on that thread saying they wished they had known sooner.

My main reason for telling my English daughter would be for her to meet and get to know her half sister.

No. That is where, in my opinion, you are fundamentally wrong. You are saying that you will only tell your DD if you are sure she will respond in the way that you want her to. Which is deeply unfair and manipulative.
IMO, the only reason for telling your DD is to be honest with her and give her all the facts so that she can choose how she wants to respond. You have to trust her to do what is best for her with that information. Not withhold the information because you do not trust her to do what you think is best.

PerpicaciaTick

But if the result of me telling my English daughter is that:
a) She doesn't want to meet me ever again
and
b) Doesn't want to have anything to do with my Polish daughter

Then it will be pointless. Because all I will have achieved is making her miserable and making me miserable and also destroying my relationship with my English daughter and grand children.

And alienating my wife even more - seeing as I agreed not to tell my English daughter.

And even if I do tell her and she does want to meet her half sister it can't happen because the Polish mother wants nothing to do with me.

It would literally achieve nothing good telling my English daughter.

As for her finding out when I am on my death bed then it may well be the case that she would prefer that instead of having a broken relationship with me for the next x years, depending on how long i live for.

So you get to decide that you deserve an ongoing relationship with your DD and her children and you get to lie to achieve that goal? Your DD has literally no say at all about whether she would choose to have a relationship with her father in these circumstances?
I think that you and your wife are infantilising your adult daughter and making her an unknowing pawn in your marriage.
What do you think it will do to her relationship with her mother if/when she finds out that both her mother and father were complicit in lying to her?

Perspicacia is thinking along the same lines as I am.

The bottom line is that you are taking your ED's choice away from her for your own selfish desires. You have no right to make that decision for her. No right at all. Again, you are manipulating things and people's words to justify doing what makes life easier for you.

I'm sure that at some point in my babyhood my parents probably thought it would be 'easier' for them not to tell me I was adopted. And I'm sure they could have convinced themselves that it was the 'right thing to do' rather than being the selfish thing it would have been. But they DID tell me. They didn't take my choices away from me as far as looking for my bio family. I never wanted to but the fact remains that it was something I could have done if I had wanted to. Your ED deserves no less in her situation than I deserved in mine.

And I can guarantee that if they had not told me, and I had found out later that I was adopted, it would have destroyed my relationship with my parents forever. It would have been too big a breech of trust to truly ever forgive. Are you willing to risk that?

Telling will not be 'pointless' to your ED. It's only 'pointless' to you because you don't want to face the reality that telling ED is the right thing to do.

Your dd is going to be hurt either way. You can do it now with the chance of rebuilding a relationship with her or you can let her find out after your death which will hurt her even more and make her question her whole relationship with you.

Obviously the selfish choice is for you not to tell her and that's the option that you really want others to recommend to you.

Your ED is going to find out sometime - fact, even if it is after your death, but probably sooner with social media. PD is old enough to remember you and can find you as soon as she learns about social media! Maybe in the next 5 or 6 years. She won't care about any trail of destruction. She will react like a child does, from the heart.

This is going to cause hurt - fact.

Why does your wife's need to keep quiet trump your daughters right to know, so that she can make her own decisions? I see it that they all have equal rights.
So far it is in the best interests of you, PD and ED for it all to be out in the open. It is in the best interests for your wife for it not to be.

3 for telling ED, 1 against.
Do the honorable thing and tell the truth.

Your wife won't leave you anyway, despite her bluster. She likes the security of being married as you are already leading separate lives and have no emotional connection She wants to save face and she will be horrified to let the world know you are divorcing. All she will want to do then is persuade your ED not to let the whole works know.

Ted, every single time people offer you opinion you ALWAYS grab on to the ONE comment that agrrmees with you and means you don't tell your ED.

Even of 99 people said tell her, the 1 person that says don't is the one opinion you want to hear. So I don't know why you are asking.

If I was your ED and I found out AFTER you died, I would never ever forgive you

But there are many people who have said it wouldn't be the best thing. And I know of one woman who says it ruined her life when she discovered that she had a much younger half sibling. So the evidence isn't all one way.

Also the trust between me and my wife would be broken forever. She made a deal with me in which we both gave up 'red lines'. Part of that agreement was that I don't tell our English daughter.

I don't want to cause more distress the my wife now. And I have no reason to believe she will stay with me if I do tell our English daughter.

So I have conflicting opinions from this thread. And I have evidence from someone I know that it ruined her life and she wishes she hadn't been told.

On top of that as I said it is highly unlikely that my ED and my PD will become best of buddies due to the age difference and the geographic distance AND because the PM doesn't want anything to do with me.

It seems to me that my focus at the moment should be to try and find a way to resolve things with the PM in order to get visitation rights.

Yes, I could go down the legal route. But that seems cruel and stressful for her and I don't want to be unreasonable. So I have no idea how I can resolve things with her. But I really want to see my PD. And for me to be part of her life.

As for social media. My ED barely uses it. In fact I just this instant searched for her on both FB and T. Couldn't find her. So, I am not convinced that my PD will contact my ED. And on top of that maybe the PM will not even tell our daughter my name and contact details? She is obviously very angry and determined.

I should say that I have NOT decided to not tell my ED. I just want to spend time thinking about it and waiting until I have had some counselling sessions. That may help me come to a conclusion.

But thanks for all of your posts. I can see that you think I am doing the wrong thing but I am not certain. And once it's done it's done. So I must tread carefully.

Final point. I do think that if I do not tell my ED and as a result I continue to have a good relationship with her and my grand children that seems a worthwhile lie to me. And as I say it may seem like that to her too when she is older and I am on my deathbed. Who knows?

In reality there isn't a solution.

I should add that in my heart I desperately want to tell my ED .

So you intend to lie low for the rest of your days OP? It's likely that your daughters will discover the truth when you have passed away and are no longer there to either explain your actions or to bear the consequences. Your legacy to them will be that they will think the less of you for that, believing that in life you were selfish, deceitful and content to live with lies.

I think your actions have been self-centred to such a degree that your only course if you wish to make good the mess is to act honestly from now on by telling your English daughter what has happened. I don't think that there is a professional counsellor who would suggest that you otherwise. Your daughter's reaction may not be exactly what you predict since she must know your character.

Yes, while some people have said it ruined their life by finding out, but there are also many many more that have said they wish they had known.

How do you think your ED will feel finding out when you die? Everything she has ever thought about you will feel like a lie. And you are taking away all of her choices here.....choices that she should be able to make as an adult!!!! You're assuming you will lose her and grandchildren. You don't know that.

At the beginning of this thread you didn't want to tell your wife. You did and it hasn't been a bed of roses has it? But at least it's not eating away at you on the inside and you are dealing with the consequences, however horrible they are.
But it's still eating you up on the inside about telling the truth to your ED. You can't move on from a mental health POV until that is out too. You are not coping and the drinking is a result of this.

Get the truth out there. You will cope, especially if you have counselling. But how can you move on healthily if you are still in the middle of a web of lies and deceit?

Or take the easy route, not say anything.

I have rtft.

You were never going to tell your ED were you? You're too selfish, and are not going to listen to any of the advice you have been given. Which is overwhelmingly stating that that is the right things to do.

I pity both your daughters and your wife to have a husband and father who is too selfish to clean up his own mess. You are going to cause a hell of a lot of pain and difficulty when you die for your daughters. And you don't give a shit. Because if you did, you would do the right thing. But all you are going to do is sit and whine about poor you and how difficult it is for you to be a cheat and a liar.

Do everyone a favour and tell the truth and pay the consequences. Which may well be that no one wants to see you, at least for a while.

Honestly imagine how your ED is going to feel when you die. She is going to be grieving for the loss of her father. Then when she finds out she has a half sister, she is going to question everything and is then going to grieve the man she thought you were. And then when she finds out her mother knew...poor girl. That's your doing. I hope you put a tidy some away to cover the therapy your daughters is going to need.

Stop perpetuating the lie. Stop thinking only of yourself. And don't pretend that you are thinking of your wife. You are only following her rules because you don't want to be alone.

My wife does not want me to tell my English daughter.

And I don't want to hurt her anymore.

You say that some wish that they had known about their half siblings earlier. But it doesn't seem to have worked out well for the majority of them.

There isn't exactly a huge list of people claiming that they are so happy they discovered they had a half sibling who is dramatically younger than them.

In fact there doesn't seem to be any real evidence to support the idea that my English daughter would prefer to know about her Polish half sister.

Most of the comments are based on unfounded speculation.

Yes I agree that I should tell her. But as to whether it is better for her or not is not proven either way.

Anyway, as I keep saying. It looks like the Polish mother will never allow any contact between the two sisters.

I'm fairly certain she would prefer not to be lied to by her parents - even if she then doesn't want to develop a relationship with her sibling.

Your daughter is an adult. She has a right to know. The choice shouldn't be up to you OR your wife. Just tell her and deal with the fallout. Yes it's going to be hard all round. But that's the consequence of your actions. Tough

But during 'negotiations' I promised my wife that I wouldn't tell our English daughter.

You also promised not to cheat on her and lie through your teeth for years. How did that work out? I guarantee that people finding out they had half siblings is because they actually realised their parents weren't the heroes we often see them as.

You know what you need to do and what is the right thing. You refuse to do it. So stop wasting everyone's time with your self pity.

You won't do the right thing. You know it. We all know it. Stop pretending you think it's 'for the best'. You could have a gun held to your head and you would still take the selfish way out.

Your poor children.

And things have moved on!! Your poor daughter. She will be devastated by the actions of both her parents WHEN she found out

I think it's about time you told your ED, you have already taken most of the shit for coming clean in the first place

Get the last bit out in the open face to face with your daughter when your wife isn't there , she'll go mad, think about it, talk to your wife, go mad again, then hopefully after it's all out in the open speak to you again and appreciate you having the balls to tell her face to face