Anyone for a new high needs baby support thread?

[PterodactylTeaParty]

There used to be some high needs baby support threads on here, but they fizzled out a few years ago. So, does this sound like your baby?

1. Feeds frequently daytime
2. Feeds frequently nighttime
3. Needs to be constantly held
4. Won't sleep alone
5. Hates the car seat/pram
6. Short naps

Ever laugh bitterly at the phrase "drowsy but awake"? Find yourself staring in envy at the babies at baby group who lie happily in their prams gurgling at toys? Wanted to punch the oh-so-helpful person who mentioned making a rod for your own back while you paced up and down with your unputdownable velcro baby? If so, roll up and join in!

Dr Sears on 12 features of high needs babies: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/12-features-high-need-baby

And 20 survival tips for parents: www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/high-need-baby/parent-parent-20-survival-tips-parents-high-need-children

Bah, links.

12 features of high needs babies

20 survival tips for parents

My DD is 9 months old now and has grown out of some aspects - she no longer screams bloody murder in the pram, and now she can crawl and climb will actually be put down to explore quite happily sometimes. It does get better.

She is still such hard work though. We met up with some friends and their gorgeous 4mo recently, and their baby was napping in her cot, happy to sit in bouncy chair and watch the world go by, woke up from nap and just cooed to herself for a while, and it sounds pathetic but I just wanted to cry. Mine still won't do that!

You forgot to add a vital one in my opinion! A baby that cries alot!
My 15 month old dd has been high needs from birth and most of her little life she has been whinging and crying about something or other!
Great idea to start a thread.
Mine has usually been ok in car seat and pram and can sleep alone but ticks all the other dr sears categories.
Us mummy's to high needs babies have it so so tough and if we can support each other than that would be fantastic.
Sometimes you think you are the only one with high needs LO but there are lots of us out there.
I've posted endlessly about how difficult I have found it.

Can I join?

Our main problem is sleep. 10 months and hardly ever slept for longer than a 2 hour stretch.

Not much crying but more constant fussing. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and no idea how to cope.

We've just started trying to night-wean in the hope of more sleep, but it's not going well.

When I see people strolling round town with sleeping babies in buggies I want to cry! Why didn't I get one like that?

Tychos poor you that sounds really really tough.
And I've had those exact same feelings. Still makes me so sad when I see mummy's and their content babies. Mine has cried fusses whined moaned so much and I've always been the one trying to jig and bounce the baby and calm it down. It's been so exhausting.
Dd is slowly slowly getting better and it was only when I went back to work and dd went to nursery that i started to feel a bit more normal.
I was on the brink of losing my mind trying to keep her happy all day long.

I'm in! DD hates the car seat, to the point I dread going out on my own with her and facing the backseat melt downs. Also, when meeting up with other mums and babies, I am always the one dealing with a crying and grumpy baby whilst others sit or play nicely, their mothers giving me quizzical looks. DD hates to be put down and doesn't really tolerate the pram for more than about 10 minutes. I'm desperately hoping this will all pass as she gets older, but feel bad for wishing the time away...

Chickz - so difficult when you're the only one to do the soothing.
Tall - totally agree about feeling bad about wishing the time away. I just want to enjoy my baby but I find myself dreaming of when he becomes more independent.

Thanks for the thread! I just read about high needs babies yesterday and the Dr Sears article and suddenly clicked into place that my 12 week old DD is textbook! Currently writing this bobbing under the extractor fan with DD in sling hoping against hope for a nap that lasts longer than 35 minutes.. She will only sleep at night attached to me. Those of you with more experience: what have you found that works? I was wondering whether to embark on dreaded sleep training of some sort, but now not sure whether it would work with a high needs baby anyway??

I'm in too! My DS is 17 months and only this week started playing on his own! Still wakes 3/4 times a night for reassurance and a cuddle! We tried sleep training but he ended up waking every half an hour and getting besides himself and getting sick I'm at a point where I can't imagine another baby in the mix and I really REALLY want to beat people up whith their stupid opinions

Oh, I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling guilty for wishing the time away sometimes. She is such a wonderful baby in so many ways, but she's such hard work. I'm ill at the moment and on my knees with exhaustion, and I long for the day when she lets her dad put her to bed or sleeps all night long (although right now I would settle for only waking up once or twice, that would be bliss).

It is reassuring to hear from other people dealing with the same things, though. In the early weeks I thought that all babies were like this, and I was just terrible at parenting - it took a while before it clicked that some babies actually will sleep peacefully in Moses baskets, travel in prams without screaming, and lie happily in baby gyms so you don't have to eat in shifts!

maymow, the kinds of sleep training that involve leaving babies to cry for a bit don't seem to work too well on high needs babies as a whole, and 12 weeks would be a bit young for that anyway, but maybe some gentle No Cry Sleep Solution stuff? I'm working on getting mine to nap in her cot with the No Cry Nap Solution book at the moment - early days and slow going, but I live in hope. Mine pretty much lived in the Moby at that age, and the best way I found for sleep was to be outside walking with her (bloody exhausting for me though) and/or have a white noise app on my phone which we still use.

Checking in...I have 6 month old ds, still up several times a night, spent the first 4 months of his life screaming due to severe silent reflux, doesn't nap for more than 15 mins, now spends all day due to teething, hard to feed, hates the carseat and pram but also hates slings.

Miserable wee boy really, he also currently had a chest infection so extra night wakings and extra hard to feed.

to you all, I'm only 6months in and ready for the hills, I also have a 3yo to contend with.

Wow, just wow. This describes my 2 boys. I wish there was a thread like this when they were little! They're 2 and 4 now. If it's any consolation, things are great now, even if it was hell for the first year of both their lives! I still marvel at babies asleep in their prams!

Thanks Pterodactyl, will take a look at the No Cry solution. I take solace in a way that she's too young for all the training stuff, though I also am bracing myself for all the people who keep saying to me that at 12 weeks everything will 'click' into place and the baby will start sleeping through the night etc

And thank goodness for slings - what on earth did our own mums do when they weren't commonly around? The builders at the end of our road chuckle when they see me coming, kangaroo-like with baby strapped in under my huge hoodie in for another sleep inducing walk yet again...

Relieved to hear things are great for you now Star but EEK you had two HNBs?! I hoped the deal was that you only get one!!

I definitely find myself thinking 'why didn't I get one like that'. Is it also quite common to think 'where did I go wrong'...?

Maymow I had two aswell although my dd definitely wasn't just as bad as ds, and I thought she was hard going at the time!
My solace is that she is the most wonderful, well behaved and chilled out little girl, has never tantrumed like you see some toddlers/preschoolers do and is just a complete joy. I hope ds is just like her in that respect too.
The baby stage is so tough, I hate wishing him to be older but I know that is when it will improve.

Is it also quite common to think 'where did I go wrong'...?

I hope so, because I did a lot of that especially in the early days. I have more confidence now that she just is who she is (and apparently I was the same as a baby). But it is hard, when you're flooded with one-size-fits-all advice and everyone else's baby you know seems to respond well to it!

I remember when she was about 3 months and I was grumbling about sleep at a baby group - wouldn't sleep alone, wouldn't settle for the night till gone 11pm - and another mother said "Have you tried just putting her in her cot awake at 7 o'clock?" Totally useless advice, but actually kind of reassuring because that's when it started to click that maybe the only thing other people were doing differently was to have different babies, not be better at parenting.

(Although I am still going to scream if one particular FB friend posts one more thing about her baby who's slept 10 hours a night since it was tiny. We haven't even had it that bad with sleep compared to some, but God I'm shattered.)

Mine cried so much of the day. I used to google baby crying and tick them all off the list - she'd been fed, she was nice and warm, clean nappy, had been winded, had a nap etc. but she was still crying and crying. It was so tough. It was only over time that I realised it was her personality- she doesn't like being a baby and also was so sensitive to the environment. A stranger saying a mere 'hello' would send her into a screaming fit. Walking into a busy coffee shop would send her into a screaming fit. Over time she has got a little better but she's still so sensitive and still cries a lot but not as much as she used to.

Ooh please can I join? Our DD is 6months old. Breastfed to sleep and naps but is attached to my boob all night and will only sleep on me for naps. Cries/screams a lot. Won't be put down. My back is done in from 'slinging' her for hours. Will spend about 5 mins on her playmat with toys before she's screaming. Won't have a dummy. Hates her car seat, nearly makes herself sick so we don't go out much with her now

It's only these past couple of nights she's slept on her tummy and I could have my boob back. They are usually so sore from the non stop sucking. This is huge progress and last night DP and I managed to get down on our bedroom floor for a cuddle together. Fingers crossed it looks like she might do 3-4 hours in one go at night now which is massive progress. DP and I both look like bloody zombies with the broken sleep.

All the well meaning advice does my head in. Latest from grandparents was "don't give in to her you know, you should let her cry sometimes". Piss off. She's a baby, not a thing who's spirit and will I want to break.

DD won't have any of it, being left to cry though. I'm sure the neighbours would ring ss as she's that loud.

Sigh. It's so hard. I thought all babies were like ours. When I speak to others who's babies are so different to ours I think why? I used to think it was something we'd done but now I realise that's how she is.

Found its best not to tell people too much as they always want to solve the problem for you but tbh, it feels like we've tried everything and the best way forward is to go along with what little Tipsy needs.

Ah thank you so much, that was extremely cathartic. Just to pat everyone on the back who also has a high needs baby. We're all doing a brilliant job with these little monsters and when you makes a tiny bit of progress, I think that lifts your spirits a bit.

Hi everyone, great support thread.
DD is 8 months and I think very very very tentatively that things are beginning to look up (don't want to count my chickens etc!).
Over the last 8 months it's been;

• Screams in the car seat, unless someone is sitting in the back with her

• Screamed in the pram carry cot, a little better in the pushchair unit but not for huge amounts of time

• Screams in the bath, getting out of the bath, getting dry and getting dressed

• Pretty much hates all getting dressed, getting coats on, generally being "fussed" with clothes

• Screams if anyone other than me (and sometimes DH) holds her but equally hates being put down

• Naps for 20 minutes at a time, usually on me

• Bf to sleep then wakes every two hours for feeds or cuddles, usually ending up co sleeping at some point through the night

• Will not sleep in a travel cot when visiting family

• Sits unsupported very well but at 8 months does not roll (not keen on lying on her back, hates tummy time), no signs of crawling, pulling herself up etc

Her saving grace has been that she loves the sling so when she was tiny I carried her around in stretchy Moby and now she's bigger I have an Ergo.

However, as I said I feel like things have slightly begun to turn a corner... (DD has literally just woken from a 25 minute nap so hope I'm not speaking too soon). She has started doing a new longer stretches in her cot at night- some 4, 5 and even 6 hour stretches over the last week in the early part of the night (and then co sleeping later in the night!). She will spend increasing amounts of time with my mum, my sister etc while I shower or something. She is much better in the car, and I usually try to time longer journeys with when she is tired and she will fall asleep (before she would have just screamed). She is much better in the bath and even enjoys splashing around a bit although she still hates getting out, getting dried and dressed. She seems to like weaning (BLW) and is enjoying trying different foods (something different to keep her occupied!).

It is very helpful to read similar experiences from people. I know a few people who have babies with high needs in different areas, e.g. hates the pram but good sleeper, but DD seems to be all at once! I have one lady in my NCT group who seems to have a wonder baby. One time I was telling her about how when DD wakes from a nap or in the night she doesn't just wake and start cooing etc, she immediately starts screaming (no chance of self soothing!). Her advice was- why not try putting a few toys in the cot so that when she wakes she can just occupy herself playing with them rather than calling out for you? I looked at her like WTF!? And said "Errrr yeah thanks!" Some people have no idea what it's like!

I have to add- DD is also wonderful, fun and very smiley- lots of people out and about comment on her smile (provided she's being held by me! ) I used to be beside myself with "why isn't my baby like that?" and crying a lot. I hate/hated people saying to me "she'll get there".

When DD was around 5 months I saw a relative (not a close one, my mum's cousin's daughter) who had a 2 week old DD. She looked a bit shell shocked and jokingly asked me "Does it get easier?", obviously expecting some reassurance from me as a "more experienced" parent a few months on. I was up to my eyeballs in sleepless nights, screaming etc and I said, completely humourlessly "No, it gets harder"

Yesterday, DH and I were sitting in a cafe with DD in a highchair. While she happily munched on some cucumber, rice cakes and cheese we managed to both have a sandwich and a drink AT THE SAME TIME AS EACH OTHER! The people at the next table laughed and smiled at DD and commented on what a happy baby she was, what a good girl. I looked around at my little family and for the first time I felt "maybe it really does get better..."

JuniorMint at 'it gets harder'. Sadly very true!

Also at you and DH managing to have something to eat and drink together

We have to ram our food down like we've never eaten while one of us entertains whinging DD.

Can people honestly leave a baby in a bouncer chair while they eat?! I don't think it's possible

Been thinking a lot about this although there probably isn't a way to find out scientifically.

I had a long and traumatic labour, syntocin drip with no epidural, episiotomy and ventouse. Just wondering if there may be a link between the delivery being traumatic for baby and thus making them 'high needs'?

Yes and mine is 16mo. I really thought they grew out of it!!

Tipsy McStaggers- I'm afraid I had a straightforward birth so that goes against your theory. I did have quite a long early latent phase at home but then had a water birth with gas and air and no stitches. DD did have a low birth weight of 5lb 7oz, on the 9th centile but she's quadrupled and now on the 75th.

My high needs baby is now a teenager!! Reading this thread brings it all back as he did everything listed on the thread! I had a playmat that was never used, and I used to stand in the garden on my own with him screaming when we went to people's houses. There was no Mumsnet and I had no support , so it is so wonderful today to have a resource like this to share stories so you don't feel alone.

Sorry, I have no tips to help anyone. I think the best advice is to go with your instinct and don't blame yourself for any of it. My MIL said that it was my fault he was like this because he was sensing I was so tense! But she did not realise that when you have a baby like this you do feel tense a lot of the time!!

My baby turned into a difficult toddler, but then became a lot easier as time went on. It made me really appreciate little things, like the first time he went in a soft play without me, his first swimming lesson, the first birthday party he left my lap and joined in.... and he is now a well behaved, easy, lovely, helpful teenager!!

I am currently lying in bed with my 16mo high needs DS waiting patiently for him to go to sleep... It's so nice to know I'm not alone and that he will grow out of this :)
But on the other hand ladies I keep reminding myself how lovely it is that he needs me and that he is happy when I'm close by im hoping this will turn into a unbreakable bond when he is older! :)